sexytime
Here’s some Public Service Announcement sent to your editor. Look how the happy, pretty girl totally scowls when your “helicopter” puts the condom on your “Washington Monument.” Gah, condoms! Don’t ruin another “sexy weekend in D.C.” by unrolling some gross old condom. Playas don’t need a raincoat!
Is Bill Clinton still America’s creepiest old horndog? Maybe not! Some gal who was a 17-year-old masseuse/sex slave for Democratic bigshot Jeffrey Epstein says she was not “lent out” to Bill Clinton. So that’s something! Then again, she’s a trim little surfer gal with blonde hair, and that isn’t really Bill Clinton’s type. Gawker website [...]
For some reason, the New York Times employs a weird boy-child who is utterly obsessed with the sex he never gets to have — and this guilt-plagued onanist writes his embarrassing tripe on the op-ed page, where adults are supposed to write about World Events or whatever. (Why do we subscribe to the NYT, again? [...]
Harry Reid made a special cameo appearance in Carson City yesterday, where he spoke to the Nevada legislature and “an audience that included a legal brothel owner, legal prostitutes and the legal industry’s state lobbyist.” How did Harry Reid win over his whore-loving audience? Perhaps he flattered them with his world-famous compliments? (“It’s a great [...]
Will this be the last President’s Day/George Washington/Sorta Lincoln holiday in America? Depends how the violent insurrections and crushing poverty and societal collapse go, over these next 12 months! So let’s remember our nation’s “First Dude” by compiling a listicle of 10 Sexy Tips To Drive George Washington Wild In Bed (“3: Somehow make him [...]
Salaam, and a very merry DAY OF RAGE to you! Did you forget to buy your girlfriend something nice for this Day of Rage? (Of course not, because who has a girlfriend?) That’s okay, just burn down a police station, in honor of how much you dislike Libya’s weirdo sorta-king thingy, Muammar Gaddafi. Yes! Libyan [...]
It’s Valentine’s Day, everybody — otherwise known as “the saddest day at National Review Online.” But NRO editor Kathryn Jean Lopez isn’t one to hide behind her sadness and resignation and Jonah Goldberg screensaver (when he was young and kind of cute). Instead, K-Lo asked a “marriage expert” to explain why she cannot seem to [...]
St. Valentine’s Day — the Christian holiday for masturbating alone in your room while you cry — is fast approaching! But who knows, maybe you will meet your soul mate/a naked person on ChatRoulette tonight? Maybe! Either way, you should send one of these electronic RNC Valentine’s Day cards to someone that you hate with [...]
Weirdo Republican House Rep. Chris Lee of New York’s 26th District was actually trying to hook up with ladies on the Internet, which is so not the way the GOP rolls, so he has already resigned in shame, the end. Honestly, that’s the end to this dumb, quick, embarrassing story. He really can spend more [...]
Oh what is this weird thing we just found in the archives from, uh, 2007? Answers at the bottom. If you’re the kind of DC gal who loves douchesack Young Republicans and you trawl Craigslist for fuck buddies yet you’re still too stupid to find a basic Ronald Reagan biography online, then have we ever [...]
America’s favorite newspaper, the National Enquirer, has another gross scoop about political celebrities boning people they aren’t married to — this time it’s “first dude” Todd Palin, who is accused of repeatedly banging a hooker who was then arrested for being a prostitute. How will Sarah Palin turn this to her advantage? Easy: Everything is [...]
The 168 members of the Republican National Committee will cast their secret ballots today to decide who gets to be the next RNC Chair, and exit polls already suggest that Michael Steele lost by a million secret racial slurs. Will the white lady from Missouri win? Or maybe the white guy with the funny name? [...]
It’s a good thing America “calmed down” after the weekend massacres! Now we can get back to worrying about snow, dead animals everywhere, exploding BMWs around the Pentagon/CIA, flooding in Australia, and more massacres. The Terror Threat Alert Level is “super dooper high” and our guest presenter “The Snooki” was going to illustrate this with [...]
Remember when fragile Australian War Criminal Julian Assange allegedly raped two Swedish ladies? We confidently assumed these so-called ladies were actually just CIA drag queens causing mischief, but the Facts suggest otherwise: Julian Assange joyously finger-banged these two Swedes — and it was awesome and totally consensual — but Julian forgot to wear condoms on [...]
Down in the dumps about the election? Looking for an escape from our National Jobs & Politics Sadness via the wonder of books? Do you crave Teabagger erotica about a small-town Texan sheriff who leads a dramatic insurrection against the degenerate rulers of Amerika, leaving a trail of dead and maimed illegal immigrants in his [...]
