We’ve been so consumed with the Death of America this past week that we haven’t much focused on… the Death of the Tea Party Convention! Everyone who signed up is pulling out — including, most recently, wacky old Michele Bachmann. Teabaggers have been furious that tickets are going for $549, the profits from which will go towards some white trash con-man’s bank account. So far, Sarah Palin is still set to speak for her $100,000 fee. Let’s pray for riots. Many… many… riots. [Star Tribune]

Oh ho ho ho, all those Teabaggers with their “Where’s MY bailout?” signs will have to climb out of their microtards and STFU because President Obama is going to save Main Street, finally, now that Main Street has foolishly elected a naked Republican with clamshelled daughters because everyone is so distressed with Wall Street. So: how will President Obama “help the middle class”? TAXCUTSTAXCUTSTAXCUTS. MORE »

We assume that guest editor Josh Fruhlinger knew all along, ever since he wrote this post about some mean and very very naked state senator three years ago, that this same asshole would sooner or later win Ted Kennedy’s (and John F. Kennedy’s before him) Massachusetts Senate seat after the legend’s death, severely endangering the passage of the popular first black President’s signature, year-in-the-making comprehensive health care reform bill — the elusive holy grail of Ted Kennedy and the Democrats’ legislative agenda for the past half-century — and that on his election night he would literally try to auction off his daughters to a foaming mob of drunk Teabaggers. Well, maybe he never foresaw the whole Teabagger thing, but otherwise, yeah. [YouTube]

Are you feeling nostalgic for Election Night 2008? This is almost exactly like that night, with a few small differences. For one, it’s again illegal to be black in America, so go back to Socialism-land, Rahm! Also, Andrew Sullivan may move back to Canada, he’s so bummed. There’s also a very good chance the beloved Health Care Reform will be passed. But still, SO SAD, right? MARTHA COAKLEY IS AMERICA’S BIGGEST LOSER. Let’s enjoy the final liveblog of the final night of the final election of Soviet America, because life is going to be awesome once the Republicans use their complete control of the White House and Congress to send you back to prison, hippie. MORE »

Look these teabaggers are just like actual Republicans, what with drawing up contracts and the young black (or navy blue) people dancing, for hipness and hopness! Here we have the “Contract From America,” which appears to be precisely what it sounds like, with exactly as many opportunities for reader-participation as you were hoping. MORE »

John Kerry, who polls suggest is one of only a handful of Democrats remaining in Massachusetts, is furious over the Naked Republican’s insurgent campaign, calling his supporters “tea baggers” and all. He’s already rolled up one sleeve, don’t make him roll up the second! Because then… well then he might have to write a principled letter to the Washington Post — FOR PUBLICATION. Boom. [Boston Globe]

Naked Massachusetts person Scott Brown is flyin’ high, and is almost certain to defeat Martha Coakley in the state’s special Senate election next Tuesday, since he is only losing by five or eight percentage points. Were he to pull off a victory, he would almost certainly switch to the Democratic party within seventeen seconds, because he would be a REPUBLICAN FROM MASSACHUSETTS — that most untenable of positions, what with Republicans demanding 100% racism and homophobia and violence around the clock. Well, maybe not, but at least he’s aware enough of his anachronistic political status to claim no knowledge of this hilarious “Tea Party Movement” that might be his only basis for existence right now. MORE »

This sure is queer. Sarah Palin has announced that she will speak at the upcoming National Tea Party Convention but will not speak at or even attend its sudden rival, CPAC. You could argue that it’s because the older, more established CPAC will probably not be quite as insane a “National Tea Party Convention,” but let’s not split hairs: they’ll both be magnificently nightmarish spectacles of torture and sadness. (The friggin John Birch Society is co-sponsoring CPAC this year, remember?) What could it be then? Hmm, long-shot here, but maybe Palin’s particular convention choices have something to do with the fact that the Tea Partiers will pay her a $100,000 fee, while CPAC does not pay any fees — or as their spokesperson calls them, “honorariums.” Who knew CPAC was so Soviet? [Washington Independent]

One of these days, this furious backwards-faxing immigration goblin is going to set aside his rage for a few seconds to learn how to load a piece of paper into a fax machine properly, and from then on he will no longer have to press his magic marker hard enough for it to bleed legibly onto the opposite side, as a hedge, to make sure Hill Staffers understand his comical ultimatums. Just kidding, he will never learn how to do these things. (The goblin could be a she, of course, but it just doesn’t seem like that’s the case, for whatever reason, does it?). Page two after the jump. It’s similar to page one! MORE »

Political perfection has been attained: A Paultard somewhere loaned his VHS recording of Peter Jackson’s Misty Mountain Hop from the TNT basic-cable channel to a Teabagger with a big idea: Somehow, hobbits is about Obama, the black person. Merry fucking christmas. [YouTube via "Rev. Peter"]

A super-angry teabagger sent four hand-scrawled pages, including this one, to a House office today — all fed into the fax machine upside down, but thanks to extremely crazy pressure on the Sharpie, we can read the whole message backwards! MORE »

Oh golly a new RNC web ad. Who cares? Well, it is part of Michael Steele’s new post-Scuzzlebutt RNC strategy so kidnap all the teabaggers and make them Honest Republican canvassing slaves: “At a press conference yesterday, RNC Chair Michael Steele announced plans to tell all of America how hard his party is working to prevent the Democrats from passing health care reform… But, the other audience Steele addressed was a little closer to home. Tea partiers, Steele said, it’s time to come back to the Republican Party.” Tea partiers, however, remain terrified of this African ACORN person telling them to do things. Isn’t one Obama enough? [TPM]

Ha ha hooray! Dick Armey is FURIOUS! Apparently our 10,000th post about how terrible the teabaggers are really struck a nerve with one Tabitha Hale, who is some kinda muckamuck in teabaggery? It was classless to make mean jokes about these people, the ones who are going to pretend to die in the Senate office buildings to promote their lie that the government is taking over all aspects of health care, just so it can make everyone wait in long lines and die at doctors’ offices. You’re spreading poison, Tabitha. Cut the shit. [Parcbench]

It has been over a month since Teabaggers from across the nation visited Capitol Hill to tear up physical copies of legislation and sit around Nancy Pelosi’s office like schmucks, because of her plans to create another Dachau. But next Tuesday it will be the Senate’s turn! Folks’ll walk into Senate office buildings and pretend to die, because they’re pussies, and won’t die for real. MORE »