terror
What in the living hell? WHAT IS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE? Who is this ominous creep smoking into our faces as he strangles our children? Why won’t Herman Cain do his own “dirty work”? [YouTube, ugh, via Wonkette operative "Benjamin G."]
Have you heard about that no-big-deal falling six-ton bus-sized satellite that wasn’t really a risk for the United States? Well, NASA just changed its story, and now the U.S. is in the path of destruction. The satellite will fall out of space in a few hours. It might break up into pieces that mostly slam [...]
Nobody knows what’s really going on in Oslo or at the holiday camp island in Norway where a bombing and a shooting have left many people dead, but it’s always safe for American Idiots on the Internet to jump in with a suspect (“Muslims”) and a verdict (“guilty”) and a list of co-conspirators (“Obama and [...]
Happy March 15, a day of disaster made famous by the haunting line “beware the Ides of March” — from one of Shakespeare’s most revered works, The Muppet Christmas Carol. (SPOILER: Caesar ignores this prophetic warning and then gets foreclosed on by Fozzie Bear.) Anyway, you’ve probably already heard about that third, devastating explosion at [...]
The Wonkbot was just kicking it old-style at its tacky lakefront tract McMansion up in some snowbilly suburb by the Taco Bell and Big Lots! and Home Depot and army recruiting strip mall shop and then the Wonkbot thought, “People somewhere are doing a Jew Blood Libel on me!” So here is the “state of [...]
It’s a good thing America “calmed down” after the weekend massacres! Now we can get back to worrying about snow, dead animals everywhere, exploding BMWs around the Pentagon/CIA, flooding in Australia, and more massacres. The Terror Threat Alert Level is “super dooper high” and our guest presenter “The Snooki” was going to illustrate this with [...]
Whoa what even happened in the House of Representatives today? Those dudes are trying to prove they can read? Very fancy. Our special U.S. GOP Terror Threat Alert Robot can also read, with her mind, which is a computer chip from a spaceship. And the Wonkbot TSA-1138 has now been programmed to read the Facebook [...]
How bad are things out there this evening, terror-wise? Super bad! In Florida, there is an orange alligator loose. Who would make such a monster? No god we know, that is for sure. Not in America. Also, in the most American fast food place (Baja Fresh) in some mall in some Arizona turd town, a [...]
Navy ship lesbian/homosexual videos, iPhone alarm problems and terrifying meteor showers are the topics of today’s Important National Terror Threat Robot Warning.
That parcel-terror plot apparently involved explosives being mailed to a couple of Chicago synagogues. You know, because Chicago synagogues are very much responsible for the Iraq and Afghanistan wars and whatever else (everything) now included in the War Upon the Terror. President Obama says he’s “very concerned” and will “keep using robot death drones to [...]
The video historians at Media Matters for America got the attention of radical patriot Glenn Beck for spreading around a movie showing him shooting the shizz with Imam Feisal Abdul Rauf — the doom-force behind Manhattan’s proposed Cordoba House not-mosque — and teevee lady Diane Sawyer about why it’s annoying how Islamic radicals get so [...]
Bedbugs! They’re destroying Freedom & Liberty even faster than Debbie Riddle and terror babies combined. In Ohio and several other states, the critters have become so unruly that local governments are calling on the feds — including the Department of Defense — to help find a solution.
Texas state house representative Debbie Riddle went on CNN to talk to Anderson Cooper about “ill-iggles” immigrating here unlawfully, and brought up the latest threat to America: the TERROR BABIES. Terror babies are even more terrifying than standard-issue anchor babies, because their foreigner moms come here to America specifically to birth them, haul them back [...]
The muckrakers at the Center for Public Integrity teamed up with Disney News to uncover a TERRIBLE, FRIGHTENING THING: electronic parts for our fancy new e-passports are being assembled in Thailand, a nation of “killer” pad thai and also TERRORISM. Why aren’t our e-passports made right here in the safe and secure, chillin’ and grillin’, [...]
If you thought Afghanistan was only profitable for opium wholesalers and the defense industry, think again! According to some convenient new geological study of the mountainous, wild land that has broken the backs of so many empires, the whole place is chock full of precious metals — $1 trillion in reserves, maybe, including “huge veins [...]
