terrorism
Al Qaeda in the Arabian Peninsula — the same folks who brought you Printer Cartridge Bombs — flirted briefly with the idea of POISONING SALAD BARS at hotels and restaurants, according to U.S. officials! Yes, this plot would have killed millions of diabetic, salad-loving Americans. Every motel lobby would have been littered with obese corpses, [...]
While standing (or riding a Rascal) in line at WalMart behind a massive shopping cart full of huge novelty popcorn containers and corn syrup buckets this holiday season, America’s defeated shoppers will get a very special message from the nice lady at Homeland Security. Apparently stung by criticism that she’s only dedicated to humiliation and [...]
Thus far, the WikiLeaks cables have provided the world much needed Sarkozy and Putin gossip items, but has their appeal been broad enough to the public? Look no further: There’s a list of “pipelines, communication and transport hubs” the U.S. secretly hopes won’t be attacked, because that would destroy us all. WikiLeaks has now reached [...]
America loves fighting terrorists so much, it likes to create as many as it can so it can keep on fighting. And that is annoying American Muslims, who cannot go about their day worshipping God without being annoyed by at least one FBI agent trying to lure them into joining jihad. One such agent, Craig [...]
Some sneaky Jew-Jew-Yamaka snuck a Star of David onto the roof of the Iran Air headquarters and Allah is PISSED. [Winston's Cat] Angelina Jolie is a BITCH because she hates America (but mostly because she is a woman). [Debbie Schlussel] Breitbart’s Greg Gutfield went to East Germany to learn about one of the most socially [...]
Millions of Americans went to airports last week for Thanksgiving travel and to stare down the gossipy new machines that show people pictures of travelers’ naked bodies. This was supposed to be an ACTUAL reenactment of the Boston Tea Party, as hurried Thanksgiving airport visitors were supposed to take these scanners and throw them into [...]
Mohamed Osman Mohamud, a 19-year-old U.S. citizen, was arrested this weekend for plotting to detonate a bomb at a downtown Portland, Oregon tree-lighting celebration. So that’s good, right? Americans appreciate not getting blown up. But the thing is, Mohamud was never a member of a terrorist group. The FBI provided him a fake bomb and [...]
An annoying child on a Southwest Airlines flight from Burbank to Phoenix was rummaging around in a seat pocket and knocked a loaded gun magazine onto the floor. Hooray! Thank God we have those kajillion-dollar voyeur tubes to save us from weapons appearing on our airplanes! Flight attendants were given the clip, and when the [...]
Relax, terrorists!
Oh look, somebody sent us this “fact sheet” so you can Know Before You Go at the airport! Here are the people who should not get in the cancer tube naked-picture machines, according to science and the U.S. Airline Pilots Association: 1. Travelers over 65. 2. Women with high risk of breast cancer 3. HIV [...]
You might think a nationwide workforce so well-trained in stealing iPods and loose change would be able to withstand a few “nah I don’t want to get cancer” opt-outs, but that is not the case! The government’s finest child-molesting force is so fragile and worthless that “just one or two recalcitrant passengers at an airport [...]
Inspire, which is Al-Qaeda’s English-language magazine, but, going by its name, sounds like it should be sitting next to Oprah’s magazine at the checkout counter, has claimed responsibility for a recent, failed plot to explode printer cartridges on cargo planes. First of all, is there anything lamer than this magazine? This thing is more childish [...]
That “dry-run” terrorist bomb that put Europe on high alert the past week? It was made by your grandma: A dummy bomb that sparked an international terror alert was made by an 80-year-old woman in California and ended up discarded in a Namibia airport because of “a boo-boo,” NBC News reported Friday. [...] It remains [...]
Ahmed Khalfan Ghailani, the first Guantanamo Bay prisoner to be tried in a civil court, was acquitted yesterday on all but one of the 285 charges against him, so this nation was that close to having a freed terrorist walking through our culs-de-sac, stealing our children’s bikes out of front yards and strapping bombs to [...]
