the moon
Were you lucky enough to have a real, live astronaut visit your elementary school back when public schools still existed? Bet the kids were so so super excited!!! We definitely were, because, of course, even a low- to middle-tier astronaut is several orders of magnitude cooler than anyone who hasn’t been weightless in Outer Space. [...]
Okay, wise guys, Bill O’Reilly heard the Internet snickering when he debuted his “Tide Goes In, Tide Goes Out” catchphrase last month, showing the world he doesn’t know how ocean tides happen. Alright, so you think the Moon is doing this. O’Reilly has a response: “How da Moon get dere?” AIRTIGHT ARGUMENT, SIR.
The Moon: it’s America’s moon! We put our flag there, and thus according to the international legal principles of “firsties” and “fuck off, we’re using it,” it is OURS. But according to NASA, the Moon is shrinking. SHUT UP, NASA. Our moon is fine. Every country we’ve ever shown it to says so. You know, [...]
Not even Elmo, Sesame Street’s pusher extraordinaire, is capable of peddling broccoli to little children. [Matt Yglesias] Jonah Goldberg impresses the entire world with his 5th-grade Latin (“I likeus Star Trekius”). [The Corner] Fourteen dudes and Sofia Coppola were arrested for being terrible mobsters. [Daily Intel] Hundreds of military generals are flipping out because if [...]
HEY YOU GUYS: Please DO NOT FORGET to say “goodbye forever” to the moon tonight. Tomorrow at like six in the morning NASA will bomb it to death. Recall the moon’s distinguished history: It has orbited around our planet, America, for the last ~2009 years, when Jesus Christ gifted all the celestial bodies, which he [...]
