(Also: Sarah, you idiot, when do you plan to give up your Twitter name AKGovSarahPalin? Because, you know, you just quit being governor ….)

It is unwise to dwell on the past or be obsessed with an unknown future, but we should all appreciate the wonderful present — a present in which Sarah Palin is nothing more than a punchline. Because, had things gone very differently in November, this dangerous delusional numbskull would’ve been just an Ambien overdose away from the presidency.

Thank you, America, for steering clear of the Sarah Palin disaster.

So, after crazily quitting her elected position as governor of Alaska, via an alarming backyard last-minute press conference void of any explanation , at the classic 4 p.m. hour of the Friday-Holiday news dump, Sarah Palin is now twatting on the twitter about how her Anchorage attorneys are going to SUE THE AMERICAN MEDIA, for saying “WTF?”

Honestly, this is what Sarah Palin twatted on Saturday Night, July 4th, Independence Day, in America.

Her link goes to (of course) Scientologist nut and sub-literate weirdo Greta Van Susteren’s blog on FoxNews.com, where Greta has helpfully (?) posted seven pages of legal threats from Palin’s lawyers, although you can’t actually read beyond the first vague page of whining bullshit, because Greta/Fox can’t figure out how to operate the Internet.

But, from other websites, we gather Palin’s lawyers plan lawsuits against MSNBC, the New York Times, the Huffington Post, the Washington Post, individual bloggers in Alaska, and other such anti-Palin forces such as “rain on your wedding day” and static cling.

Just go read this entire Anchorage Daily News article, which is hilarious.

Sarah Palin, a snowbilly grifter who spent her entire adult life desperately trying to become a Public Figure, apparently wants her attorneys to stupidly and pointlessly threaten American practitioners of free speech regarding our public figures and elected officials.

Happy fourth of July, you daft racist moron!

• Andrea Mitchell’s sources say Sarah Palin is not running for anything, ever, and that she’s “out of politics for good.” But who will fill the other half of the Santelli 2012 ticket?
• Sarah Palin (or somebody!) is pregnant again! CNN’s Rick Sanchez suggested this “why not?” reason.
• Palin’s nutball spokeswoman, “Meg,” denies Andrea Mitchell’s account, and says that Palin will actually be going “outside government,” which, uhm, is not actually a denial at all, right? DailyKos commenter bluedonkey08 says in response, “You know, sometimes I think it’s not worth trying to understand what she says. Your sanity will appreciate it.” Noted.
• Palin’s brother called the cable news to give his own theory, based on some conversation with Sister Sarah at a ski resort somewhere, two months ago. According to this relative, Palin has been spending “80% of her time defending herself” from the Media. You know, because it’s super important to yell at David Letterman for weeks at a time, for being a teevee comic who makes jokes about politicians. (Sarah Palin apparently spends the remaining 20% of her time at ski resorts.)
• Mean old Washington Post beltway neocon Charles Krauthammer said the other day on Fox News that Palin is “not a serious candidate” for Republicans. Did Krauthammer make emo Sarah cry and quit?
• She’s just plain crazy and you’re just wasting your time trying to make sense of her erratic behavior. This is the theory suggested by CBS News, which described her speech as “rambling and sometimes confusing.”

The New York Observer reports:

As promised, the folks at Sentinel, the conservative imprint of Penguin, have come to a decision about South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford’s book on fiscal conservatism. According to a statement sent out just now by associate publisher Will Weisser, Sentinel has “agreed to release” Governor Sanford from his contract in light of the scandal that brought his promising political career in the Republican party to an end last week. The brief statement called it a “mutual decision.”

Okay, so exactly nine (9) people would’ve bought Mark Sanford’s boring-ass book about “fiscal conservatism,” because Mark who? But the rumors were that Sanford would “rejigger” the manuscript into a sexy adulterous family-hating Argentine-fucking line-crossing literary tour de force, the Southern Gothic Emo-Yacht Club-Preppie Le Scaphandre et le Papillon of our time.

The conservative publisher wanted no part of this Latin Sexytime. Mark Sanford will have to fall in love with an 11-year-old urchin boy if he wants to sell his sex memoirs to Republicans.

When our beloved Labor Department reported a 9.4 percent unemployment rate in May, people high-fived each other in the streets because it seemed we had reached the true pinnacle of unemployment success. Who would have thought we’d be able to do ourselves one smidge better? And yet!

The American economy shed 467,000 jobs last month, and the unemployment rate rose to 9.5 percent from 9.4 percent, the Labor Department reported on Thursday. Job losses were widespread among the construction, manufacturing and business and professional services sectors.

The losses were sharply higher than economists’ expectations of 365,000 lost jobs.

Two things to note. Number one, economists all agree that jobs are a lagging indicator, which is to say, employers tend to wait until the economy’s been better for a while before they start hiring again.

We may expect employment statistics [to] look poor well past the trough of consumer spending that may occur in late 2009 and 2010. As always, savvy economic observers and investors should disregard this lagging indicator in forecasting economic direction.

Number two, Barack Obama has been in office for five whole months of this 20-month recession, so clearly the dismal job numbers are all his fault.

Job Losses Rise in June as Unemployment Reaches 9.5% [New York Times]

Now, you are probably saying to yourself, “Duh, this is the same story every year, because Americans are just gargantuan, repulsive blobs.”

While the last part of your statement is medically correct, the first part is COMPLETELY WRONG. Last year, “only” 37 states got more obese, while the fat rate was steady in the other 13 states.

Once again, the relatively healthy folk of Colorado have the nation’s lowest rate of obesity, with “only” 18.9% of its residents meeting the medical definition of Obesity — the rate was 16.9% just three years ago and was probably 1% in the 1930s, the last time we had a Depression.

Tell me about a memorable run during the campaign that really stands out.
Oh, my gosh, the one that really stands out I’m embarrassed to death to repeat. I went for a run at John McCain’s ranch a couple of days before the debate with Joe Biden. [...] I fell coming down a hill and was so stinkin’ embarrassed that a golf cart full of Secret Service guys had to pull up beside me. My hands just got torn up and I was dripping blood. …

I don’t remember news reports about it?
Heck no! I made those guys swear to secrecy. [...]

So the Secret Service guys kept silent?
They did! And I have this great respect for them that they’ve kept silent all these months later.

Wow. See that right there is a pretty explosive secret! Wouldn’t want that kind of information to fall into the wrong hands!

Sarah Palin is INSANE.

I’M A RUNNER: SARAH PALIN [Runner's World]