tsa
Navy ship lesbian/homosexual videos, iPhone alarm problems and terrifying meteor showers are the topics of today’s Important National Terror Threat Robot Warning.
From the noble Brownstones of Brooklyn to the hilltop villas of Malibu that fall onto incoming traffic whenever there’s a mudslide, America is full of architectural gems. So it’s rather worrisome that New Orleans officials are planning to rid their city of the last remaining FEMA trailers — national treasures which are widely recognized as [...]
Christmas Eve is a very exciting travel day because it’s one of the busiest, most insane times to attempt to get on a plane. Plus, the weather is guaranteed to be pretty horrible because it’s winter. Also, there’s horrific stress as millions of people try to get across the country at the last possible minute [...]
Do you love to watch hot dudes — like, all sweaty and fat and flustered — with their latex-gloved hands groping random old people? Then Santa will be bringing you hot loads of multiple orgasms in the form of this website, The Daily Patdown. Thrill to the photo of this one bro who’s all, “I [...]
For the love of Joseph and Mary’s unsullied maidenhead: When will Joe Miller stop smelling his own farts and accept the fact that he is a loser? “Probably never,” according to everyone. “He’s a hopeless dick.” Miller is still peddling the same sad legal argument — “voter intent” is in violation of what Joe Miller [...]
Millions of Americans went to airports last week for Thanksgiving travel and to stare down the gossipy new machines that show people pictures of travelers’ naked bodies. This was supposed to be an ACTUAL reenactment of the Boston Tea Party, as hurried Thanksgiving airport visitors were supposed to take these scanners and throw them into [...]
On this Holy Day of going to the Big Box stores and outlet malls to use up whatever’s left of the American Consumer’s shrinking credit line, as a permanent jobless/starving class approaches one-fourth of the entire population and constant economic fear is the standard emotion for all but the richest 5%, what are Washington’s concerns? [...]
A brave iReporter in the land of Rapelay uploaded this shocking TSA grope video from one of their teevee comedy shows, which is basically SNL but funnier because it’s in moon-language and Tim Meadows is nowhere in sight. It’s a great distraction from preparing your fresh vending machine crabs for your Thanksgiving Cherry Blossom Hello-Kitty [...]
National Opt-Out Day is finally here! Thousands of men, women, children and stray cats are expected to refuse a TSA naked cancer chamber scan, choosing instead to be gate raped by career failures. Chief TSA Pedobear “John Pistole” says that people who love getting cancer shouldn’t opt-out, because then you won’t get cancer and also [...]
The Homeland Security Department is proposing to discontinue the color-coded terror alert system that became a symbol of the country’s post-9/11 jitters and the butt of late-night talk show jokes. The 8-year-old system, with its rainbow of five colors – from green, signifying a low threat, to red, meaning severe – became a fixture in [...]
An annoying child on a Southwest Airlines flight from Burbank to Phoenix was rummaging around in a seat pocket and knocked a loaded gun magazine onto the floor. Hooray! Thank God we have those kajillion-dollar voyeur tubes to save us from weapons appearing on our airplanes! Flight attendants were given the clip, and when the [...]
If you can figure out how to order a pizza and then get the pizza out of the box and into your gut, then you’ve got all the mental skills necessary to be a TSA groper and iPhone thief: Our former sister site Consumerist writes: The ad, touting a “career where x-ray vision and federal [...]
Relax, terrorists!
Oh look, somebody sent us this “fact sheet” so you can Know Before You Go at the airport! Here are the people who should not get in the cancer tube naked-picture machines, according to science and the U.S. Airline Pilots Association: 1. Travelers over 65. 2. Women with high risk of breast cancer 3. HIV [...]
You might think a nationwide workforce so well-trained in stealing iPods and loose change would be able to withstand a few “nah I don’t want to get cancer” opt-outs, but that is not the case! The government’s finest child-molesting force is so fragile and worthless that “just one or two recalcitrant passengers at an airport [...]
