twilight
When will middle-aged GOP Christian white working-class people embrace the billionaire Mormon elitist Mitt Romney? When teen-aged girls realize Mitt is “just like them,” and not until! That’s why Mittens went on the Today Show to let any teens who already dropped out of high school know that he loves “silly stuff” like the sexy [...]
Hollywood movies, Playstation 3, “life skills” classes, Skyping, book-learning, foosball: This is the stuff of ultimate pleasure, and the basic ingredients one needs to create their American dream. So why are the detainees at Guantanamo Bay and their scary beards now enjoying these fruits of USA! USA! innovation and delight? They deserve only AIM and [...]
Somebody tell Charlie Rose to get his ass to Hot Topic: Maureen Dowd wants to make sexytime with a vampire. Imagine, for a moment, that you are M. Dowd. Your journaliturgical home, the New York Times, reaches millions of humans around the world via print and the Internets. Now let us also imagine that it [...]
BREAKING: KAGAN REFUSES TO TAKE POSITION ON MORMON VAMPIRE-WEREWOLF SEXING CONTROVERSY: Your morning editor is too cheap to buy cable and too terrified of spontaneous eye-bleeding to try to seek out the Kagan hearings on the Internets, but hero tipster “WindbagCity” has caught what will surely be the most important exchange of the day: “Amy [...]
Twilight heart-throb and South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford loved his Argentine Firecracker soul-mate so much that he abandoned his wife, kids and that annoying job (Republican leader of a slave state) just to pile up frequent-flier miles and bang his mistress with romance. But now the mean twerps at the state’s “ethics panel” have examined [...]
VAMPIRES ARE A LIBERAL TERRORIST SEX PLOT: Bram Stoker never imagined that his story of a seductive count who necks with young virgins at night might be interpreted as something sexual, but now that dirty-minded liberals have gotten their paws on the vampire story, the terrorists have won. “I’m all for multiculturalism, but this is [...]
