war on xmas gift guide
Fashionable American daughters of the revolution, do you covet accessories that will please God and the Invisible Hand? Are your crucifix pendants and American flag pins not enough? Then maybe you should pick up a pair of these beautiful, sterling-silver tea bag dingle-dangle earrings and a matching pin, Made in the USA by the metallurgists [...]
Wonkette artistic contributor (and Chicago Reader staffer, yay!) Lauri Apple has a special War On Xmas Eve present to bless all of you, everyone: It’s the Talking Thomas Friedman Doll, direct from a business-class flight from some exotic foreign destination with Pizza Huts and golf courses! He’s so full of crap, your dogs will try [...]
We just received a crucial telegram from the COMICS CURMUDGEON, subject line: “EMERGENCY WAR ON CHRISTMAS GIFT GUIDE ADDITION.” This is what we live for, as Journalists. A company is selling creepy human-head-statue urns, for the ashes of your loved ones. (Or maybe for you?) You can get the head designed to look like deceased [...]
So sad, this Christmastime. Last year, we could still sort of laugh. That fancy Barack Obama had won the presidency, after all. Maybe we would, uhh, weather the storm? Come back stronger?! Well, sorry about that. But it’s the Season of Xmas, and we’ve got a super special selection of cheap-ass unwanted “America-themed” old-pantyhose stuffers [...]
The Freedom Tray is America’s Favorite New War On Xmas Fad! Wonkette artistic contributor Lauri Apple made this beautiful representation of Jesus himself enjoying all the fruits of Amerikkka, in His own Laz-E-Boy porta potty. And legitimate newspaper the News-Observer has published a lovely history of the Freedom Tray, which was created by a team [...]
Do you have a hard time balancing a lap-full of bacon burgers and grease tacos while you drive around slurping caramel-coffee ice cream shakes and 172-oz. buckets of Mr. Pibb? Did foreigners steal your job? Wondering why your teen-aged daughter has so many middle-aged male friends from the MySpace showing up at all hours? What [...]
Here’s a great War On Xmas gift for that kid on your list who cannot read and will never need those fancy elitism skills, anyway: a shitty “children’s book” about how Sarah Palin and her sack of dildos saves this plague rat from these dumb urchins. You know, because liberals are ruining this country! Jesus [...]
Oh look what your editor stumbled upon, yesterday, while researching the George W. Bush Jr. Xmas Gift Guide: It’s Florida Erection, the cult-classic homosexual pornography telling of the 2000 recount in Florida! Here, from the cover copy: “Hundreds of cum-drenched ballots are ignored by Florida Secretary of State Harris (Lana Luster) when she declares George [...]
FIVE-DOLLAR GEORGE W. BUSH GIFT GUIDE: “Nothing says Kwanzaa, or ‘good will,’ like choosing a cheap, mean George W. Bush-themed trinket for your idiot relatives who actually voted for that clown.” [AOL Political Machine]
Well isn’t this beautiful? No? Right, it’s a design disaster. Maybe Photoshop should require an Operator’s License with annual testing. That would create jobs! Anyway, here is your latest Wonkette War On Xmas gift suggestion, this terrible fucking plate, which looks like it should be the hubcap of a blinged-out compact car with those gay [...]
Friends and enemies, it is time to put aside our irrevocable partisan differences and unite in the pursuit of inexpensive yet offensive X-mas/Kwanzaa/Ramadan/Channukah/Jedi gifts for our few friends and many enemies. In these troubled times of National Doom, you want a present that is a) cheap, and b) either wonderful or truly horrific. But the [...]
