Thanks to Jackie Kennedy being hott that one time she lived there, the White House is supposed to be a place of well-decorated holiday majesty at this time of year. But the Obamas are ruining it by hanging out with singing asthmatic white college guys and forcing everyone around to worship their horrifyingly faceless dog, [...]
Michelle Obama is so bored right now. Last week, she completely eradicated obesity, forever, and now there’s nothing to do but hide out in the East Wing, where she doesn’t have to hear the constant whine of the Garden State soundtrack coming from Emo Obama’s side of the house. But our FLOTUS is not one [...]
Democrats in Congress were too afraid even to try to pass an extension of the Bush tax cuts for the middle class before the election, because Republicans saying anything at all about Democrats and taxes is very scary! Of course, Republicans still used this anyway, because they have no problem turning anything and everything into [...]
Barack Obama had a Very Tough Week, in that he was still the president and the first black chief executive of these United States and a hero to millions around the world and brilliant and handsome and also, fuck you, he gave you health insurance and saved your stupid auto industry. But whatevs, people in [...]
When the war is over, in the wee small hours, when your tie is loosened and you just want to have a cigarette and bullshit on the phone with another brother who likes his smokes, that’s when you open the last bottle and put Kind of Blue on the stereo and accidentally call John Boehner, [...]
Our sassy FLOTUS stirred up some controversy last week when she stopped on the South Side of Chicago to cast an early vote, and then whispered to a bunch of people that they better vote Democrat, or else. This made some people angry, because they thought maybe it violated an Illinois state law (or not),) [...]
After thinking long and hard about the best way to hate America, Barack Obama has finally decided on “reinstalling Jimmy Carter’s solar panels.” How many thousands of offshore oil drillers lost their jobs today? Too many thousands to even begin to count: After appearing to pooh-pooh White House solar panels a few weeks ago, the [...]
America needs blue balls, not red balls, according to this new video the White House put up today featuring new Obama economic bro Austan Goolsbee. According to their blog, this whiteboard video approach is something they’re going to do from now on, because Americans are dumb and visual aids are the only thing they can [...]
Bob Woodward’s new book, This Obama Guy Did 9/11, will be that thing everybody in Washington buys on Monday even though they read all the sad dirt today in the newspapers. Obama’s own supporters just bitched at him for 10 hours on Monday during a tragic town hall. The economy is probably going to be [...]
When French first lady Carla Bruni spoke with our first lady Michelle Obama in March, demonic secrets were exchanged.
Since the eighth year A.N.E. (After 9/11), Elizabeth Warren has been maybe going to be appointed director of the new Consumer Financial Protection Bureau. But is she going to be appointed it now? Or… now? Probably… now. No, she’s definitely going to be appointed it riiiiight… now. NO. RIGHT NOW. The latest case came this [...]
L’shanah tovah, bitches! Happy Jew Year and all that jazz. Even though it is Rosh Hashish-nah and not Yom Kippur, my estranged lover, Official White House Videographer Arun Chaudhary, has enacted a Day of Atonement. Today, he’s made a giant gesture to get back into my good graces. He put up my beloved pornographic serial [...]
In mere moments, the hated failure known as Barack Obama will limp out to his lectern and face a hungry, brain-dead press corps(e). How will he prove he loves 9/11 enough to fix the economy when he’s still, quite obviously, a brown person — especially when angry white unemployed underwater midterm voters know in their [...]
Going on vacation is the best time to have one of the rooms in your house redecorated! Putting those words in that order is your key to enraging Americans everywhere, because Americans can not afford “redecoration” or “homes” or “rooms.” But elitist Barack Obama decided that his little trip to Gaysachusetts Island was the perfect [...]
