Wonkette

OMG Obama’s first general election ad. In case the reality of this election hasn’t fully sunk in for you yet, this ad should do it: every second of the next 4.5 months will be Barack Obama trying to convince old white Democratic-leaning voters in western Pennsylvania that he doesn’t want to blow up their houses in the name of Allah and/or O.J. Simpson. This election will literally be about that and nothing else. [YouTube]

People who go to Tanning Salons are poor white trash, according to some dingbat website we’ve never encountered before just now. Elitists say the tanning craze was briefly “in” with the wealthy people in like 1958 and again in spring of 1992, but that was all, ever, and throughout history having a “suntan” just meant you spent all your time outside doing hard labor. “There is no easier way to tell that someone is white trash than by whether he or she has a tan,” some self-proclaimed Beauty Expert told this website. What other ways do poor, bitter people broadcast their socio-economic status to their Elitist Betters? The answers might surprise you! MORE »

When God decided that fundamentalist Christians would have to be poor and obese, he gave them a consolation prize: Their churches could have tacky letterboard signs out front, just like those equipment rental warehouses out on the frontage road or county highway. These signs are used to share comical slogans with the heathens who race by in their fancy foreign cars with “airbags” and “valid registrations.” One such church in South Carolina recently put up this great message: OBAMA OSAMA HUMM ARE THEY BROTHERS, apparently meaning it to say, “Obama and Osama — Hmm, are they brothers?” MORE »

With about a thousand votes counted, Barack Obama is the DESTROYER OF WORLDS with 71% of the vote, followed by Hillary/Bill with 21% and Sad John Edwards with like fourteen votes. What will we learn from all of this? How multi-cultural and bi-racial will the coalition become and what should we make of the dominant African-American electorate and the more diversity compared to … Whoops, sorry, we suddenly just started transcribing whatever horseshit they’re jabbering on Wonkette. Congratulations, South Carolinians! You people are so disenfranchised that only 1% of your vote counts!
Obama Victorious In S.C. [The State]

Hey, Andy Rooney’s not dead! Who knew? Also, he’s not happy with the all these ethnic-sounding people running for president. Barack Obama, Rudy Giuliani … jeez, this is supposed to be America, not the freakin’ Rainbow Coalition. You know who had a good, white-sounding name? Adolph Hitler, that’s who.

Slot-machine addict and very white ex-Reagan Administration loser Bill Bennett was on CNN a little while ago, bravely praising the winner of the Iowa Democratic Caucus for not acting all negro. MORE »

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“The nation’s first family tree is about to gain a new branch,” the Washington Post reveals today. “The future in-laws, it turns out, are not unlike the Bushes.”

Really?! That is news. While many Americans expected Jenna Bush to eventually shack up with a meth dealer in a Florida trailer park, it turns out her “background” and “pedigree” sort of determined long ago that she would marry another rich white douche from another rich and powerful family that makes billions of dollars on something that kills poor brown people — in Jenna’s case, that industry is oil and war, while in Henry Hager’s case, that industry is tobacco. MORE »

Yeah, yeah, we say we’re done with them every goddamn time we write about them, but this was too appalling to pass up. It is re. the lovely Angela Valdez, City Paper staff writer, with whom we got far, far too drunk last night. MORE »