Of Course Capitol Police Leaders Knew What The MAGA CHUDs Were Going To Do, Everyone Did

During the January 6 insurrection, it seemed like Capitol Police handled the mostly white MAGA mob a little differently from how the police usually manage protesters, even ones who aren't trying to overthrow the government. It turns out we weren't just paranoid, divisive, or somehow inciting violence by even suggesting racism exists. Capitol Police Assistant Inspector General Michael A. Bolton has released what the New York Times calls a “scathing new report" that reveals the Capitol Police knew well in advance that a potential attack was likely and that “Congress itself was a target" for violence. Yet, officers were instructed not to use their “most aggressive tactics" against the violent mob, which was good since it likely would've led to a bloodbath because the mob was heavily armed. Still, this clearly put the police at a disadvantage because “aggressive tactics" are their speciality. It's like telling Mick Jagger before a concert that he can't strut around the stage like a chicken. What's he supposed to do for two hours?

But once the mob breached the Capitol, it was only dumb luck that Congress members weren't killed.

In a 104-page document, the inspector general, Michael A. Bolton, criticized the way the Capitol Police prepared for and responded to the mob violence on Jan. 6. The report was reviewed by The New York Times and will be the subject of a Capitol Hill hearing on Thursday.

Mr. Bolton found that the agency's leaders failed to adequately prepare despite explicit warnings that pro-Trump extremists posed a threat to law enforcement and civilians and that the police used defective protective equipment. He also found that the leaders ordered their Civil Disturbance Unit to refrain from using its most powerful crowd-control tools — like stun grenades — to put down the onslaught.

The challenge for the Capitol Police was that the looming threat wasn't random Black people demanding that the police not kill them. If it's a Black Lives Matter rally, then it's stun grenades all around, even in Seattle. This time, the threat was the one-term loser's supporters who believed his whiny-ass lies that the election was stolen. Three days before the siege, Capitol Police were aware that the former White House squatter's droogs had posted a map of the Capitol's underground tunnel system on pro-MAGA message boards.

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Who Wanna Hear A Buncha 'Moderate' Republicans WHIIIIIIIIIIINE About Joe Biden?

Politico Playbook scoops the morning again! OK, just kidding, we are saying a sarcasm and intend zero actual praise for Playbook.

But they do have some reporting that will amuse you, if you like to hear GOP senators whiiiiiiiiining about unfaaaaaaaaaair. You see, President Joe Biden keeps just passing bills to help the American people, and he isn't even asking them if they'd like to water them down and fuck them up and then refuse to vote for them anyway.

It is a "fucking nightmare" trying to negotiate with Biden, according to a staffer to one of the "so-called G-10, the group of 10 Republican senators who insist they're itching to negotiate deals with the White House." Did you know there were 10 whole Republican senators who were ITCHING like that? They should see a dermatologist!

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George Floyd: Weak As Kitten, Also Strong As Entirely Different Kitten

Let's check in on the trial of Derek Chauvin for the cold-blooded murder of George Floyd. It's been a tough few days for the former Minneapolis police officer, though not nearly as uncomfortable as the final nine minutes and 29 seconds of Floyd's life.

Monday, cardiologist Dr. Jonathan Rich of Northwestern Memorial Hospital in Chicago testified that in his expert medical opinion derived from having eyes and a human soul, Floyd didn't die from a primary heart event, a drug overdose, or random voodoo spell. That last one's made up, but we shouldn't give the defense any ideas.

From NPR:

"Mr. George Floyd died from a cardiopulmonary arrest. It was caused by low oxygen levels. And those low oxygen levels were induced by the prone restraint and positional asphyxiation that he was subjected to," Rich said.

Well, duh.

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Sounds Like Matt Gaetz's Yucky 'Wingman' Has Been Cooperating For A Hot Minute Now!

Two big stories broke out of Matt Gaetz's pants last night, are you ready?

First of all, the New York Times says Joel Greenberg, Gaetz's wingman, the man who apparently looked up to Gaetz as a hero — how low on the ladder of life do you have to be to look UP and see Matt Gaetz? — is definitely absolutely cooperating with the feds. According to the Times, it's not he might be about to flip, like we thought it was the other day. It's not just "I am sure Matt Gaetz is not feeling very comfortable today," like Greenberg's lawyer said outside court last week. Sounds to us like Gaetz has probably had quite a few bad days lately.

If the Times is correct, Greenberg is already cooperating, and reportedly has been for quite a long time, and what's happening right now is that his plea deal is being finalized.

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National Politics

Raise Your Hand If You Want To Go To A Party With Matt Gaetz

Busy that night, sorry.

One more Gaetz for the day before we will have reached our limit.

Ever wonder what it's like to go to one of those parties Matt Gaetz went to? CNN did, so CNN found out! Oh no, did CNN go to a party with Matt Gaetz and go upstairs and do Picture This We Were Both Butt-Nakeds with Matt Gaetz?

No, they did not. (OR DID THEY?)

No.

But they got some reporting on what those little soirees were like.

First, they took your phone.

Or at least the women who attended these parties in greater Orlando with Gaetz and other gross Florida Man Republicans were asked to put their phones "away," because the gross Florida Man Republicans "did not want the night's activities documented."

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State/Local Politics

No, $12k Is Not Enough To Make Me Move Back to West Virginia

Don't take me home, country road.

West Virginia is desperate for people. It is the only state in the country that has seen its population decline over the last 70 years. It's about to lose one of its three congressional seats. And it has a particularly difficult time both keeping and attracting young, educated people.

Now, the state is trying a new way to get new residents: cash.

This week, the state announced a program called Ascend WV, which will give people who agree to move to West Virginia $12,000 cash. It also offers applicants other perks, including a year of passes to public hiking trails, rock climbing, and outdoor space with access to outdoor gear rentals, free access to a co-working space for a year, and continuing ed programs at WVU.

It's a pretty cool program! And West Virginia is an incredibly beautiful place, full of nature, mountains, rivers, great hiking and camping ... and some of the absolute worst politics in the country.

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Cops

Judge Rules Buffalo PD Shouldn’t Have Fired Actual Good Cop Cariol Horne

Horne intervened when fellow officer put a handcuffed man in a chokehold.

Hey, let's talk about a good cop for once! I know more than one tune. In 2006, Buffalo Police Officer Cariol Horne stopped fellow cop Gregory Kwiatkowski from choking a handcuffed Black man during an arrest. Here's how Horne, who is Black, described the scene at a domestic dispute inside the home of Neal Mack and his girlfriend.

Gregory Kwiatkowski turned Neal Mack around and started choking him so then I'm like, "Greg! You're choking him," because I thought whatever happened in the house he was still upset about so when he didn't stop choking him, I just grabbed his arm from around Neal Mack's neck.

That seemed reasonable, but Kwiatkowski punched her in the nose like a common Tom Buchanan. This required surgery, but Kwiatkowski considered himself the wounded party. He claimed she jumped on his back and struck him with her hands, obstructing his arrest. Kwiatkowski later filed a defamation suit against Horne for $65,000, which he won. He only collected $20,000, though. Buffalo's not that racist.

Horne was fired from the Buffalo PD in 2008, just a few months before she could receive her pension. She'd served on the force for 19 years, but it was determined she'd put her fellow officers in danger when she tried to prevent Kwiatkowski from strangling a suspect. Kwiatkowski was promoted to lieutenant later that year.

Oh, FUCK THE POLICE! Sorry, I really intended for this to be more “good cop" than actual cop story.

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