Donate

Even Fox News Can't Make Finland Trump-Shits Smell Like Roses :(


'Who took that giant crap on the floor?' said Cavuto and Varney, rising from a squat and pulling up their pants.

And now for some very serious TUT TUTTING! It's time again for Republicans to make sad words about President Treason McTraitorpants selling out the country. This time they are seriously concerned, nay even deeply troubled, that Donald Trump would stand next to Vladimir Putin and pretend the Russians didn't hack the 2016 election. These patriotic Republicans are shocked, SHOCKED! Well, not, like, upset enough to do anything about it -- not with a fascist carpooler to jam into the Supreme Court. But they've got tweets, so it's all good!

Keep reading... Show less

Republicans Love Their Russian Puppet President Trump

The president's probably a traitor, but what can you do?

Republicans are in a pickle. Midterms are coming up and the party in the White House usually loses seats in those elections. It doesn't help their chances that their guy Donald Trump frolics through fields holding hands with self-made Russian dictator and coincidental poisoner Vladimir Putin, who our own justice department believes attacked our mostly free elections and our true national monument, the Internet.

If you're as old as I am, you'll recall that back in the 1980s, the whole Republican brand involved not trusting the Ruskies, and they were especially disappointed when Kevin Costner turned out to be one in No Way Out. Now, the current Republican president is talking like some kind of crazy commie lib, bashing the FBI and giving the benefit of the doubt to a former KGB agent. During an interview Sunday where he wore a hat with "USA" in big letters on it, presumably so someone could easily return him if he got lost on the field trip, Trump went so far as to call the European Union a "foe" of his country, which if you believe his hat is supposedly the United States not Russia.

Keep reading... Show less

Trey Gowdy Almost To Trump-Russia Breaking Point. Almost.

The House Freedom Caucus is at it again, and this time they're taking aim at fellow Republican Rod Rosenstein. Politico reported Friday that Mark Meadows (R-Cackalacky) and Jim Jordan (R-Coverup) are ginning up support to impeach the deputy attorney general. See, Rosenstein is in BIG TROUBLE MISTER for refusing to turning over all the DOJ's confidential source material on the Russia investigation so that the GOP treason weasels can selectively leak it to their pals at Fox.

Rod Rosenstein does not have time for this shit -- he's busy right now indicting all those Russian military officials for hacking our election!

Keep reading... Show less

Trump's Big Meeting With His KGB Handler Going Just GREAT

Wouldn't you agree that everything is JUST GREAT right now? On Friday, special counsel Robert Mueller indicted 12 Russian officers of the GRU, also known as Russian military intelligence, for alleged election hacking offenses. President Vladimir Putin of course personally ordered that operation. We're not sure if he ordered all the recent poisoning attacks in the UK, or whether he let one of his underlings sign off on them, but that is a thing that's been happening. Also on Friday, Dan Coats, the director of national intelligence, said out loud that the lights are "blinking red" on incoming Russian cyberattacks on the upcoming midterms, and just on America in general. He compared it to the warning signs our intel community got before 9/11, you know, the ones that were ignored. So of course, Donald Trump has just finished an All By Myself meeting with Putin, who is probably literally his handler.

Wanna see what Trump looks like when he's really nervous and excited and terrified and awestruck? Wanna see what he looks like when he knows he's sitting next to DADDY? Check out this video of the pool spray Putin and Trump did with reporters before they retired to their private quarters:

Keep reading... Show less

White Woman Looks So Sad She Got Caught Being 'Racially Charged'

We used to live in economically anxious times. It was why that rock-solid base of support for Donald Trump, the white working class, would occasionally dabble in recreational racism to distract themselves from their meth addictions or unrealistic obsessions with a way of life that had long since vanished (in part because of technology and also because they voted for people like Trump). But all that's over now. Trump fixed everything. We know because he told us, and you should always trust the primary source. So, why are white people still so racist?

Let's take the Wonkejette to Ohio, where the New York Times tells us you can find an endless supply of mainstream American values, so much so that in Toledo, those value were smeared over the front of someone's house.

Toledo police arrested Patricia Edelen for spray painting racial slurs on her neighbor's home Friday night. [...]

The police report lists the charges as "ethnic intimidation by reason of race, color, religion or national origin, criminal mischief, and criminal damaging/endangering property to cause/create substantial risk of physical harm."

The police report says Edelen spray painted "N" (word) stay out" "Hail Trump" and a Swastika on her neighbor's home.

What was Edelen arrested for, local ABC station? Oh, we guess being "racially charged."

Keep reading... Show less
Russia

WHAT THE HOLY MOTHERFUCKING FUCK WAS THAT TRUMP-PUTIN PRESS CONFERENCE?

On the bright side, Putin gave Trump a soccer ball that probably has a listening device in it. That's pretty cool, right?

We feel like we say this a lot during these dark days of the Trump era, but WHAT IN THE HOLY MOTHERFUCKING FUCK DID WE JUST WATCH? And how in the hell can anyone who claims to give a shit about this country be OK with the public tongue-bath Donald Trump just gave Vladimir Putin on live TV?

The reviews are starting to roll in:

Keep reading... Show less
popular

Elon Musk, Space Trash Cowboy

Silicon Valley's most arrogant asswipe is not a baby, he just pays people to wipe his ass.

STOP THE FUCKING PRESSES! Elon Musk has been wronged! Newspapers, throw away your front pages! TV talking heads, scrap your A and B bloc! Someone change the tickers in Times Square!

BREAKING NEWS: MAN CALLS ELON MUSK AN ASSHOLE!

When Vern Unsworth, the British cave explorer who helped rescue the trapped Thai soccer team, told CNN that Musk's mini-sub was a "PR Stunt" that had "absolutely no chance of working," he clearly wounded Musk's delicate constitution. But then Unsworth had to go a step further and tell Musk to "stick his submarine where it hurts."

Musk responded like a fucking adult by Tweeting that he never saw Unsworth when he flew to Thailand to personally deliver his mini-sub last week, adding, "Sorry Pedo guy, you really did ask for it."

"Pedo" -- short for "pedophile" -- seems a bit harsh and also a tiny bit libelous. This caused the Twitterverse to lose their minds and criticize Musk for being an asshole (again). Since Elon Musk is a gazillionaire with tons of free tweetin' time on his hands, he responded to his critics by doubling-down, "Bet ya a signed dollar it's true."

Musk later deleted the tweets and retreated to the relative safety of his secret moon base. Unsworth is now threatening to sue Musk, telling a Australian news outlet, "This is not finished. I think people realize what sort of guy he is."

The whole ordeal started started when Musk posted an unnecessarily dramatic video of a small submarine built out of a fuel pod used in one of the Space X rockets. The idea of stuffing a child in a tiny metal tube sounded amazing to fanboys, but a number of people immediately wondered if the hastily assembled claustrophobia simulator was ambi-turner.

Maybe Musk is just butthurt over all that money he was caught donating to Republican pacs? Maybe he's just venting after the NLRB said Musk violated labor laws when he discouraged Tesla workers from unionizing? Maybe we should change those front pages once again!

BREAKING NEWS: ELON MUSK STILL A BIG ASSHOLE.

[WSJ / NBC News / BBC / Business Insider]

Wonkette is ad-free and reader supported, and thinks Elon Musk should STFU.

Post-Racial America

Hey, What's Up With Trump And This Wanktwat Tommy Robinson?

Meet this knucklehead.

While Donald Trump went to make fart noises at America's foes in the EU and shit all over our traditional enemy, the United Kingdom, it seems his administration had some tough talk for those darned Britons or English or Ukies -- they have many names! -- about the UK's oppression of religious minorities. Or at least the oppression of one guy: Tommy Robinson, the founder of the far-right anti-Muslim English Defence League, and his religious freedom to violate a court order, Reuters reports.

Keep reading... Show less
News

Trey Gowdy Almost To Trump-Russia Breaking Point. Almost.

The Revolution Eats Its Own

The House Freedom Caucus is at it again, and this time they're taking aim at fellow Republican Rod Rosenstein. Politico reported Friday that Mark Meadows (R-Cackalacky) and Jim Jordan (R-Coverup) are ginning up support to impeach the deputy attorney general. See, Rosenstein is in BIG TROUBLE MISTER for refusing to turning over all the DOJ's confidential source material on the Russia investigation so that the GOP treason weasels can selectively leak it to their pals at Fox.

Rod Rosenstein does not have time for this shit -- he's busy right now indicting all those Russian military officials for hacking our election!

Keep reading... Show less
Post-Racial America

Judge Rules Family Separation Causes Unconstitutional Trauma. You Don't Say.

What part of 'illegal' doesn't Trump understand?

A federal judge in Connecticut has ruled Donald Trump's order to take children away from their parents at the border violated the children's constitutional rights. In Friday's ruling, US District Court Judge Victor A. Bolden ordered the government to produce two children's parents to a hearing scheduled for July 18, and said the government had denied the children's rights by removing them from their parents without a hearing or even any notification. This is the first time a federal court has said the family separation policy violates children's rights, not just the rights of parents. No reaction from the White House yet; we expect Donald Trump to blame Democrats for inventing "rights" for people who aren't even from the right America.

Keep reading... Show less
Russia

Trump's Big Meeting With His KGB Handler Going Just GREAT

What a fun day to be an American!

Wouldn't you agree that everything is JUST GREAT right now? On Friday, special counsel Robert Mueller indicted 12 Russian officers of the GRU, also known as Russian military intelligence, for alleged election hacking offenses. President Vladimir Putin of course personally ordered that operation. We're not sure if he ordered all the recent poisoning attacks in the UK, or whether he let one of his underlings sign off on them, but that is a thing that's been happening. Also on Friday, Dan Coats, the director of national intelligence, said out loud that the lights are "blinking red" on incoming Russian cyberattacks on the upcoming midterms, and just on America in general. He compared it to the warning signs our intel community got before 9/11, you know, the ones that were ignored. So of course, Donald Trump has just finished an All By Myself meeting with Putin, who is probably literally his handler.

Wanna see what Trump looks like when he's really nervous and excited and terrified and awestruck? Wanna see what he looks like when he knows he's sitting next to DADDY? Check out this video of the pool spray Putin and Trump did with reporters before they retired to their private quarters:

Keep reading... Show less
Post-Racial America

White Woman Looks So Sad She Got Caught Being 'Racially Charged'

Racism still not fully ended

We used to live in economically anxious times. It was why that rock-solid base of support for Donald Trump, the white working class, would occasionally dabble in recreational racism to distract themselves from their meth addictions or unrealistic obsessions with a way of life that had long since vanished (in part because of technology and also because they voted for people like Trump). But all that's over now. Trump fixed everything. We know because he told us, and you should always trust the primary source. So, why are white people still so racist?

Let's take the Wonkejette to Ohio, where the New York Times tells us you can find an endless supply of mainstream American values, so much so that in Toledo, those value were smeared over the front of someone's house.

Toledo police arrested Patricia Edelen for spray painting racial slurs on her neighbor's home Friday night. [...]

The police report lists the charges as "ethnic intimidation by reason of race, color, religion or national origin, criminal mischief, and criminal damaging/endangering property to cause/create substantial risk of physical harm."

The police report says Edelen spray painted "N" (word) stay out" "Hail Trump" and a Swastika on her neighbor's home.

What was Edelen arrested for, local ABC station? Oh, we guess being "racially charged."

Keep reading... Show less
popular

Bought And Sold. Wonkagenda For Mon., July 16, 2018

Trump meets with Putin (again), baby jails are run like prisons for babies, and Sacha Baron Cohen trolls gun fetishists. Your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

Keep reading... Show less
popular

Deleted Comments: We Gave God The Banhammer

The Commentczar's In Town

Yr Wonkette has been getting quite a few visits from trolls lately, although most of the infestations have been incredibly tiresome and not at all worth discussing here. We're talking, like, not even as good as ol' Turgid Love Muscle Guy. Come to think of it, we haven't seen him in a while; hope he's OK. At least health-wise.

Keep reading... Show less
Culture Wars

We Owe Pennsylvania's Bob Casey Eternal Gratitude For Wiping Out Rick Santorum

And yet Santorum keeps squeezing onto CNN

In 2006, Bob Casey Jr., then the Pennsylvania state treasurer, defeated Rick Santorum and took his seat in the US Senate; presumably only after having it steam cleaned. Not that Casey wanted anything much to do with Dan Savage, the columnist who had helpfully made the alternative definition of "Santorum" one of the best demonstrations of the power of trolling for the prior three years. But in '06, Casey's campaign actually declined a donation from Savage; Casey's finance director thanked him, but suggested maybe Savage could give the money to a group working against Santorum so Casey wouldn't get flak for taking the donation. That was back when Dems were happy to talk about civil unions but frightened of gay marriage, and Casey just plain wussed out on the chance to bring a "weeks-long debate about feces, lube, and assfucking" to the Senate race, as then-Wonket Dave Weigel put it. But Bob Casey has come rather a long way since then, and he now supports marriage equality. He might still be a bit shy about a full-on embrace of buttsechs talk, however.

Keep reading... Show less
Culture

Dickish Trump Is Even A Dick To That Nice Old Lady From 'The Crown'

Can you believe this guy?

We all know, unfortunately, that Donald Trump can't do anything normal and human because he's a blight on all that is good in the world. The president met the queen of England and The Beatles yesterday and it went as horribly as you might expect.

The British public does not appear amused with President Donald Trump walking in front of Queen Elizabeth II on Friday, with one royal commentator describing the awkward stroll as reminiscent of "wandering up and down a golf course."

Trump ruffled feathers on social media after momentarily walking in front of the Queen during a reviewing of the troops at Windsor Castle.In the encounter, Elizabeth appears to gesture Trump forward before he walks ahead and promptly puts on the brakes -- forcing the monarch to do an awkward sidestep around him.

I had better sense when I was 10 and was asked to walk Deacon Crowley's 107-year-old maiden aunt Miss Gretchen down to her pew at Sunday Homecoming service. Just look at this idiot.

Keep reading... Show less
Culture

Can We Talk About The Utter Sadness Of Breitbart's Melania Fashion Coverage?

Obvious propaganda is obvious.

Despite having actually been a former fashion model, Poor Melanie Trump just can't get any love from fashion media. Mostly because she is married to a monster and no one likes her enough to give a damn what kind of shoes she is wearing. This is a thing that low-key irks the fuck out of many conservatives, particularly because of all the attention and coverage Michelle Obama got for her fashion sense.

Keep reading... Show less
popular

Arizona State Rep. Can't Drive 55 Because MAGA Jesus Said So

KEEP YOUR LAWS OFF HIS BODY!

Arizona Republican state Rep. Paul Mosley got busted doing 97mph in a 55mph zone, bragged to the officer about going 140 mph, and claimed political office gives him immunity from prosecution. Who does he think he is, Donald Trump? PPFFFFT.

Keep reading... Show less
popular

Who Wants To Watch A Creepy White Guy Rap About Scientology?

This goes out to all of you SPs

It is probably not so easy to be a Scientology recruiter these days. In this post-Leah Remini defection world, there are scant few people out there who haven't at least heard something about how they are a destructive (and incredibly expensive) cult. Unless you are Amish, in which case you have your own shit going on. Everyone else is going to say "Yeah, no, I'd really prefer to not give you all of my money and then maybe end up in that weird detention camp where you are maybe keeping Shelley Miscavige!"

Keep reading... Show less
popular

Your Weekly Top Ten Is Still Tired From Liveblogging Peter Strzok

YOU COME READ YOUR TOP TEN STORIES RIGHT NOW!

Howdy, it is the weekend, and we are still ZZZZZZZ from liveblogging Peter Strzok Out With His Cock Out for 10 solid hours. Appropriately, that is the top story of the week! Shall we do this top ten countdown even faster than ever before so we can all go back to bed? WE SHALL.

Stories chosen by Beyoncé, as per usual:

1. Peter Strzok Is A Fucking Badass. Let's Liveblog His All-Day Testimony!

2. Just Look At This Asshole: Trump Official's Wife So Sad She Can't Use Racial Slurs

3. Michael Avenatti Can Tortiously Interfere With Us Anytime, Wait What Are We Talking About?

4. Look At These Dumb 'Jeopardy' Stupidheads Who Can't Even Say Answers Right

5. Another Day, Another Batshit Rally With President Fuck-Bonkers

6. Jim Jordan Having Hard Time Pretending He Didn't Know Those Kids Got Molested

7. 'Denaturalization Task Force' Bad News, Even If It Does Deport Melanie

8. Judge Gives Paul Manafort Justice He RICHLY DESERVES

9. Oh Hey, Trump! We Found The Collusion! It Was Right In Front Of Our Faces This Whole Time!

10. Chicago Protesters Close Major Highway. Sorry, Not Sorry.

So there you go. Those are your top ten most clicked upon stories, according to Beyoncé. They are very good stories!

OH HEY, one more thing. Know how Wonkette is fully funded by readers like you, like we mentioned above, and that's how we have salaries and servers and healthcare and liquor? If you want Wonkette to be here FOREVER, you gotta help us out, so won't you click here to do a $10 donation, or even better, a monthly subscription? WE LOVE YOU, YOU PAY OUR RENT.

OK that's all.

Yours in baby Jesus,

Wonkette

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

Wonkette salaries and servers are fully paid for by YOU! Please pay our salaries.

popular

Where In The World Is Michael Avenatti? He Is In London Having Tea With The Queen!

Go away Donald Trump, or he shall TAUNT YOU AGAIN!

Jesus Christ playing croquet with the Queen of England, what in the fuck is this bollocks? It seems beautiful man lawyer Michael Avenatti got on his own plane and rode the tailwinds of Air Force One, so he could go bother Donald Trump in London.

But it's OK, because he's not touching Trump, so Trump can't get mad. NOT TOUCHING! CAN'T GET MAD!

You'll be fucking shocked to hear he found a TV camera to seduce with his lips and his eyes during the London protests:

Keep reading... Show less
Donate

SINGLE & MONTHLY DONATIONS

SUPPORT THE CAUSE - PAYPAL DONATION

PAYPAL RECURRING DONATIONS

Old News

©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc