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Stephen Miller Had AWESOME Plan For 'Blitz' Against Immigrants But Kirstjen Nielsen Said No :(

Don't worry -- she was just worried about the logistics.

Shortly before they were fired in that huge purge of the Department of Homeland Security earlier this year, DHS Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen and acting Immigration and Customs Enforcement Director Ron Vitiello really pissed off Donald Trump by opposing a brilliant administration plan that would have arrested "thousands of parents and children in a blitz operation against migrants in 10 major U.S. cities," according to the Washington Post. The idea was that ICE would swoop in and arrest a whole lot of families in a "show of force," thus scaring all potential migrants and asylum seekers from ever wanting to come to the US ever again. As we all know, previous shows of force, like taking children from their parents at the border, worked like a charm, or would have, if only they'd been a little more brutal.

According to "seven current and former" DHS officials who spoke to the post, the plan had been put forward in September of last year, and would have fast-tracked immigration court cases against families who'd come to the US after the end of last year's family separation policy, so they could be deported quickly. People who lost their sped-up cases or who failed to show up for hearings would be the targets, to shock and awe anyone who might think of trying to come to the US. The mass arrests "would have required coordinated raids against parents with children in their homes and neighborhoods."

But darn it, Nielsen and Vitiello were just no fun at all. They put the kibosh on the plan because they were

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Let's Have A War! Wonkagenda For Tues., May 14, 2019

If Trump's trade war doesn't drag us to hell, John Bolton will drags us all into a war with Iran. Your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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Go-Fund-Me-WALL Guy Brian Kolfage MAYBE Robbed You Bigots Blind

Back in December, when Nancy Pelosi told Donald Trump in words of three syllables or less that he was never, ever getting a WALL, Brian Kolfage stepped forward to offer "illegal"-hating patriots the honor of funding Trump's WALL themselves. All Kolfage asked for in return was every penny these fools contributed.

See, it's now the middle of May and there's still no WALL -- not even a couple bricks and a bag of cement. Kolfage bilked gullible xenophobes for $22 million and counting. That won't build much of a WALL, but he should have more to show for his hard-swindled dollars. The WALL donors, technically known as "marks," dreamed of crying migrant children banging their bleeding hands against a barrier representing cutting-edge Middle Ages technology. Now, they're demanding proof of racist concept.

She's, like, so disappointed. Twitter

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Bathrobe-y McRageClown Turns On FBI Director Christopher Wray

The president of the United States is on a Twitter bender again, because he's lonely, unloved, and his hands and brain are idle, as usual. By our latest count, he has tweeted or retweeted 37 times in the last 24 hours, which is really an unfair count, because it neglects all his Sunday morning tweeting that was technically more than 24 hours ago now.

But late last night, he started quote-tweeting one of his conspiracy-theory-mongering shitbats and took square aim at a guy we all knew he'd eventually train his sights on like a common Jeff Sessions, because this particular guy just seems a bit too sane for the Trump administration. We, of course, refer to FBI director Christopher Wray.

And then he quote-tweeted another conspiracy-theory-mongering shitbat who happened to be appearing on the TV program hosted by the first conspiracy-theory-mongering shitbat:

Wow! Bathrobe-y McRageClown was LIT last night, y'all!

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News

Trump And Orbán Sittin' In A Tree, Pissing On Democracy!

SING ALONG!

Authoritarian Hungarian Prime MInister Viktor Orbán is at the White House today for a playdate with Donald Trump. This is very exciting for our unelected bumblefuck president, as Orbán is what Trump would be if he both applied himself, and also if he met a witch in a forest who cast a spell on him that gave him a working brain. Neither of these things is likely to happen any time soon, or ever.

David Cornstein, the Trump crony serving as ambassador to Hungary, told The Atlantic recently that Trump "would love to have the situation" in America "that Viktor Orbán has" in Hungary, but that alas, "he doesn't." He was talking about Orbán's concept of "illiberal democracy," the fascist-lite system of government Orbán has been working to diligently install in Hungary for almost a decade. And what the fuck is "illiberal democracy"? Vox shares Orbán's own description, from a speech he gave in July of 2017:

Christian democracy is, by definition, not liberal: it is, if you like, illiberal. And we can specifically say this in connection with a few important issues — say, three great issues. Liberal democracy is in favor of multiculturalism, while Christian democracy gives priority to Christian culture; this is an illiberal concept. Liberal democracy is pro-immigration, while Christian democracy is anti-immigration; this is again a genuinely illiberal concept. And liberal democracy sides with adaptable family models, while Christian democracy rests on the foundations of the Christian family model; once more, this is an illiberal concept.

Basically it's a white Christian supremacist society where all citizens are free, as long as they are white Christian supremacists. (And you were wondering why Mike Pence is so dick-deep in being Trump's ambassador to the white Christian supremacists. Silly you!)

Today Trump and Orbán did that Oval Office thing, where Trump makes goo-goo eyes at a dictator and the dictator sits there grinning, probably a little bit in disbelief that an American president is treating them so nicely.

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2020 presidential election

Elizabeth Warren Raises A Ruckus On Opioids, Wins Over West Virginia

Fighting drugs might involve more than scary ads.

Elizabeth Warren visited Kermit, West Virginia, Friday to talk about her plan to fight opioid addiction in America. Yes, of course she has a policy paper, too. Even though more than 80 percent of voters in Kermit (population 360) voted for Donald Trump, she received a warm welcome and lots of applause -- even from some people wearing Trump stickers to her town hall. Kermit became notorious in 2016 when the Charleston Gazette-Mail won a Pulitzer Prize for reporting on a local pharmacy that received over nine million hydrocodone pills in a two-year period. The Warren town hall took place in a fire station just a few blocks away from the now-closed pharmacy. When Warren asked members of the audience to raise their hands if they knew anyone affected by addiction, nearly every hand went up.

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Culture Wars

F*ck Mike Pence And The Cross He Rode In On

Mike Pence told Liberty University grads what happens to kids who grow up to be gay-hatin' fascist crapsacks like Mike Pence.

Mike Pence spoke for the convocation at Liberty University this weekend, where a stunning 21,000 graduates are being released into the world with degrees that, while they might technically be valid, may not be worth the paper they're printed on in a lot of fields. And unto the 8,000 who attended the convocation he didst deliver a rousing message! Sure, it wasn't Oh, the Places You'll Go! but if you're a brainwashed snowflake-y gay-hatin' Bible beater, it landed well.

But it was more than that, though. Pence just wanted those kids to know that they are going to be persecuted to death for their beliefs, because there is nothing more whiny-ass than a white fundamentalist Christian who doesn't understand why the entire world hasn't conformed to what they believe is God's image.

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Trump

Go-Fund-Me-WALL Guy Brian Kolfage MAYBE Robbed You Bigots Blind

This is our look of total surprise.

Back in December, when Nancy Pelosi told Donald Trump in words of three syllables or less that he was never, ever getting a WALL, Brian Kolfage stepped forward to offer "illegal"-hating patriots the honor of funding Trump's WALL themselves. All Kolfage asked for in return was every penny these fools contributed.

See, it's now the middle of May and there's still no WALL -- not even a couple bricks and a bag of cement. Kolfage bilked gullible xenophobes for $22 million and counting. That won't build much of a WALL, but he should have more to show for his hard-swindled dollars. The WALL donors, technically known as "marks," dreamed of crying migrant children banging their bleeding hands against a barrier representing cutting-edge Middle Ages technology. Now, they're demanding proof of racist concept.

She's, like, so disappointed. Twitter

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Crime

If Extortion And Death Threats Are Wrong, Washington Militia Dude Doesn't Want To Be Right!

We can't wait for the cable miniseries.

A militia leader from Washington state was arrested last week in West Virginia and will be extradited back to Washington after allegedly trying to extort money from members of his own little band of patriots. James "Russell" Bolton was arrested by West Virginia state police Thursday at his parents' home in Princeton, West Virginia, after a Washington judge signed a warrant on five counts of extortion and one of attempted theft. Bolton had allegedly left letters outside some of his militia pals' homes, threatening dire consequences if the victims didn't come up with large amounts of cash. The letters implied the threats were from Mexican drug cartels, which as we all know regularly target goofball militia dipshits.

Gee, who ever would have thought anyone in the wingnut militia movement would do something like that? Before you get all judgey of Mr. Bolton, keep in mind It's all probably a plot by the New World Order and international bankers to make patriots look unstable.

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Russia

Kevin McCarthy Can Wait ... For A Constitutional Crisis

It's your Sunday Show Rundown!

We focus today on House Minority Leader and second most ineptly dangerous McCarthy, behind "Anti-Vax" Jenny, Kevin McCarthy. Appearing on CBS's "Face The Nation" with Margaret Brennan, McCarthy first tried to make a case for why Donald Trump Jr. should not have been subpoenaed by the Senate Intelligence Committee:

BRENNAN: But, leader, let's-- let's talk about one of the things that we laid out there in the open, which is this decision to ask Donald Trump Jr. to come back to answer questions related to previous answers he had given to the Senate Intelligence Committee. You've said it's time to move on. But, if Congress hasn't finished its own investigation, how can you say that?

MCCARTHY: But, they have-- they have finished the investigation.

BRENNAN
: The Senate Intelligence Committee hasn't finished its work.

MCCARTHY:
But think about why the Senate is doing this. Donald Trump Jr. has spent 27 hours already testifying. They're requesting him back based upon something that Cohen has said, when he is in jail for lying to Congress. But Cohen was talking about a meeting he wasn't even at. So that is why I believe we should move on. And if the Senate hasn't finished--

McCarthy seems to be confused as to why Cohen LIED to Congress. He lied on behalf of "Individual One" who was clearly identified as Donald Trump by the Southern District of New York. The lies were specifically about a deal for Trump Tower Moscow continuing while he was running for president and Russia was escalating election sabotage in 2016. So the insistence of McCarthy and others in the GOP on using Cohen's lying as a way to exonerate Trump is woefully misguided. Of course this should not be very surprising for McCarthy:

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Russia

Bathrobe-y McRageClown Turns On FBI Director Christopher Wray

Uh oh, Christopher Wray, you're next!

The president of the United States is on a Twitter bender again, because he's lonely, unloved, and his hands and brain are idle, as usual. By our latest count, he has tweeted or retweeted 37 times in the last 24 hours, which is really an unfair count, because it neglects all his Sunday morning tweeting that was technically more than 24 hours ago now.

But late last night, he started quote-tweeting one of his conspiracy-theory-mongering shitbats and took square aim at a guy we all knew he'd eventually train his sights on like a common Jeff Sessions, because this particular guy just seems a bit too sane for the Trump administration. We, of course, refer to FBI director Christopher Wray.

And then he quote-tweeted another conspiracy-theory-mongering shitbat who happened to be appearing on the TV program hosted by the first conspiracy-theory-mongering shitbat:

Wow! Bathrobe-y McRageClown was LIT last night, y'all!

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Russia

Derpsplaining (AGAIN!) Rudy Giuliani's Joe Biden Hitpiece, Ukrainium One

Learn up, it's gonna be a thing!

Is Rudy Giuliani drinking that Just for Men hair dye? What is going on with Grandpa America's Mayor's hair? And what nonsense is he dogwhistling through his lockjaw now?

I've decided I'm not going to go to the Ukraine. I'm not going to go because I've decided I'm walking into a group of people who are enemies of the president. In some cases enemies of the United States. In one case, an already convicted person who has been found to be involved in assisting with the 2016 election.

JFC, he's really putting all his chips on the PAUL MANAFORT WUZ FRAMED argument. An American jury sent Paul Manafort to jail for bringing in millions of untaxed dollars from Ukrainian oligarchs, but somehow it is no fair for Ukrainians to publicize Manafort's grift. Ipso facto hocus pocus, the Mueller investigation was illegal? Plus, also, somethingsomething Joe Biden. Clearly we picked the wrong day to quit snorting Poligrip. Unlike Rudy Giuliani!

Okay, let's see if we can derpsplain it all together, since this Ukrainium One lie isn't going away.

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popular

Lies. Wonkagenda For Mon., May 13

Trump's losing his trade war, and 2020 gets interesting, and Facebook's go problems. Your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today that have nothing to magical dragons and their war crimes.

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Nice Time

All These Nice Things Rock Like A Mother

BABY FOX BABIES, and some longreads and stuff

Happy Mother's Day, Wonkers! It's time for your weekly escape from the awful news of the week, which will still be there when you're ready to start paying attention to it again. Yr Dok Zoom is coming off a much-needed vacation since Wednesday, and wow did we ever need that chance to recharge our batteries. (Which involved shopping for a hybrid car; so hey, actual batteries.) So here we are, dragging our ass back to work and bringing you the Nice Things!

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popular

Raise Less Corn More Hell!

Mi mamacita communista

Here is your I am guessing "seventh" annual run of Mi Mamacita Communista, or Things My Mother Taught Me, which I first wrote for May Day 2008, when I was editor in chief of alt-weekly LACityBeat for five minutes, and three cover stories in a row had fallen through. That year, we'd go on to elect Obama, and think our country had finally rid itself of rule-by-loons. The future's a fucking trip huh?

We all are exhausted; we all are fried; we all have been running sprints AND marathons for two and a half years now. We didn't know electing an erudite black man would bring back the actual nazis.

We need each other. The analogy I like, from my secret group of middle-aged and elderly women bitching about media and Hillary, is a choir holding a note. When you need to take a moment to sip a quick breath, your brothers and sisters hold the note around you. It's okay if you need to stop watching news for a minute to fill your lungs. We'll be here when you get back. And you always lift us up too, with love notes and health care and bail money.

When I was 15, my mother took me to the Mother's Day protest at the Nevada Test Site and then WOULDN'T LET ME GET ARRESTED. Instead, she and I just made sandwiches for the hippies who did, getting off the bus in their sheriff-provided zip tie handcuffs. She wouldn't let me get arrested with her at Diablo Canyon either, under the nom de activism Emma Goldman. BOYCOTT MOM! UNFAIR TO TEENS!

I don't have much more in the way of intro: Thanks to you, who hired Robyn for me part-time, I take my little sip of breath every weekend, except for some bookkeeping and belated thank you notes. Just breathe where you have to, and cuddle and snuggle with us in our arms. Because FUCKIN RIGHT WE ARE MOM OF YOU. Or something like that. We love you.

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popular

'Prophetess' Running For Mayor Of Toledo Is Now Also A Wrestling Champion

Be still my heart.

Meet Opal Covey! Opal has been running for Mayor of Toledo, Ohio since 2012 and is a self-proclaimed prophetess with a flair for fashion and a dream to fill the city with amusement parks (and the potholes with asphalt). She claims that despite coming in last in all of these elections, she actually won them but all the votes were destroyed because "voter fraud" and that if the City of Toledo does not elect her, God will do a bunch of wrath to it.

And now she is a wrestling champion!

Yes, this Thursday, Opal made her wrestling debut on something called "Extreme Chaos Wrestling." But rather than spending the whole match doing wrestling stuff, Opal just ranted incoherently for seven minutes, until some guy named "Pain Train" showed up. Then some other guy hit Pain Train over the head with some kind of wooden stick, and Opal put her foot on his back and yelled triumphantly, the clear winner of this definitely real wrestling match.

Local "Politician" Opal Covey Takes on Local Indy wrestler. youtu.be

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Culture Wars

Equality Act Hit By Avalanche Of Brutally Stupid GOP Amendment Proposals

Godforbid they just let gay and trans people have some civil rights!

I was *this* close to titling this post "You Seriously Will Not Freakin' Believe The Stupid Shit Republicans Want To Add To The Equality Act" before realizing that I should not do that, on account of it being a very clickbait-sounding headline and we are above that here, but seriously... you will not freakin' believe this shit.

At least I didn't, and it's awfully hard to surprise me these days. Seriously, if I were on Family Feud, with an audience made up entirely of Congressional Republicans and the topic was "Our Terrible Ideas For Amendments To The Equality Act," I would fail miserably. I would go home with nothing.

I don't know, I guess I still have too much faith in people.

The Equality Act is supposed to be an amendment to the Civil Rights Act meant to prohibit discrimination based on sexual orientation and gender identity specifically. Theoretically, it should be as simple as that. But of course, not only do Republicans want to add a bunch of things in there meant to ensure that bigots can still discriminate against people based on their sexual orientation and gender identity, but they also want to throw in a bunch of shit in there about abortion and about prohibiting discrimination against people for their "political orientation." Because god forbid anyone judge anyone based on... the content of their character.

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Russia

Trump's Manic Saturday Morning Retweet Storms Fast Becoming A Dreaded Institution

Surely this is the sign of a healthy mind.

Last Saturday morning we all had the pleasure of waking up to the President of the United States retweeting a bunch of professional bigots complaining that Twitter was being mean to them and other professional bigots. That was weird, though not as weird as it would have been if anyone else were the President of the United States.

Despite all evidence to the contrary, he appears to think this went really well for him. Thus, he woke up and did the same thing early this morning, but without any kind of particular running theme. Some of the tweets were about Russia, some of them were about the same "Twitter is mean to bigots and that's not fair!" jag he was on last week, some were about abortion, one was a random year-old tweet from his large adult son.

He does not appear to be well.

This is from over a year ago.

JOE BIDEN WON'T EVEN LET US WATCH PEOPLE DIE! How is that fair?

There are, again, multiple places on the internet where people can say whatever they want. Gab, 4chan, Voat, etc. If that is what these people want, they are free to go to those places. Alas, no one wants to go to those places because they are gross Nazi cesspools. If Twitter was not moderated, it would turn into a gross Nazi cesspool and no one would want to be there anymore, including Laura Loomer, whom I have noticed has not made much use of her Gab profile. Because it's gross and terrible there.

Aw! They were BULLIED? Well, maybe they should stay the hell away from Planned Parenthood.

Again for those in the back, most drugs come through legal ports of entry. The stupid wall will not do anything to stop that.

These are not even all of them. It's not even half of them. Like dude just woke up this morning and started retweeting like a maniac. It's sort of sad that there is no one in his life that cares to check in on him and make sure he is OK. Or it would be, if he were not a monster. I know for a fact that if I appeared to be having some kind of episode on Twitter, someone I know would be like "Hey Robyn, are you OK? Maybe you should step away from the computer for a bit. Drink some water! Take an Ativan!," and for that I am grateful.

In fact, instead of focusing on how obnoxious all of these retweets are and how they are clearly a sign of some kind of mental instability, we should all take a moment and be grateful that if we were having a very public breakdown, someone would care enough about us to stop us before we continued.

[Donald Trump Twitter]

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popular

Your Weekly Top Ten Is Too Exhausted To Make A Clever Headline Right Now

YOU COME READ YOUR TOP TEN STORIES RIGHT NOW!

Hey Wonkers! Top Ten post! And more pictures of Wonkette Toddler!

We have literally nothing else to say, our brain is now dead. How dead? We wrote in a post this week that the governor of New York is Mario Cuomo, because apparently we have forgotten what decade we live in. If we refer to the governor of New York as "Rivers Cuomo" anytime soon, call the doctor.

Before we count down the top ten stories, your obligatory money beg, because if you love Wonkette, we need you to SUPPORT WONKETTE. Give us money to keep the lights on up in here! Better yet? SUBSCRIBE MONTHLY! Or up your subscription! Thank you, we love you, you pay our rent.

Ready to count down the top stories? Yes, you are.

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