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Relax, Everyone: Donald Trump Is Still A F*cking Criminal

WTF does tonight's special message from Robert Mueller tell us? Wonkette tries to answer that question!

HOLY ACHTUNG TWITTER IS FREAKING OUT! Special Counsel Robert Mueller's office (SCO) has issued a statement, almost 24 full hours after Buzzfeed's story on Donald Trump ordering Michael Cohen to lie to Congress about the failed Trump Tower Moscow deal started blowing everybody's minds. Mueller's spokesman says actually BuzzFeed got it a bit wrong. This is significant because 1) Mueller's office NEVER talks, and B) well, they're not actually saying BuzzFeed got it WRONG wrong. Just, you know, kinda wrong.

Wow, that statement is lawyered as fuck. BuzzFeed described "specific statements" wrong, and its "characterization of documents and testimony" was just an eensy bit off, and maybe if BuzzFeed moved this sofa over here it would take advantage of more natural light in the room, and honestly, BuzzFeed should trim up this one paragraph of its article, because those sentences DO NOT SPARK MARIE KONDO'S JOY.

Otherwise, it's great!

First of all, we want everybody to relax. Donald Trump is still a criminal.

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Trump Idiots 'Debunk' Michael Cohen Story By Shrieking HAW HAW BUZZFEED SUX!

Meanwhile, the president responded to the revelation he suborned perjury by tampering with the witness some more. Totally normal!

It's been a joy watching the reactions come in from TrumpWorld about the news that Donald Trump has committed YET ANOTHER CRIME, in this case suborning perjury by instructing his former lawyer thug fixer Michael Cohen to lie to Congress. How many other people did he do that with? WE DUNNO! But that's not what this post is about.

First of all, let's see what the big guy himself did. As with all presidential statements from the un-president, it happened on Twitter:

Oh wait, that's (grapes) not it. Here it is:

That's right, the president of the United States reacted to a bombshell news report exposing that he had tampered with a witness by suborning perjury by ... tampering with that witness some more in public, by threatening his father-in-law! (To be fair, Trump has been trying to intimidate the witness by encouraging the feds to investigate Cohen's father-in-law for a hot minute now. It's one of his things, like tweeting and pooping at the same time and comparing WALL to WHEEL.)

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Nancy Pelosi Was Going To Go To Afghanistan Anyway, But Trump F*cked That Up Too

On Thursday, Donald Trump finally retaliated against Nancy Pelosi for canceling his stupid gross State of the Union address, by canceling her CODEL to Brussels and Afghanistan, literally while she and the delegation were on the way to the airport. Because you can do a lot of things during a government shutdown, but you definitely can't go visit the troops! "FUCK NANCY PELOSI and FUCK THE TROOPS," Trump seemed to be saying. In his letter, he said Pelosi and her delegation were, of course, free to fly commercially to Afghanistan if they wanted to. We guess he thought he was being cute.

The speaker of the House is not supposed to fly commercially for things like this. That change was made after 9/11, for security reasons, because the speaker is second in line to the presidency. But they have some leeway on when and if they want to use military jets and when they don't, and after Trump's announcement yesterday, Pelosi took him up on his dare. That's right, they were going to go anyway, because eat shit, Mister President, trips like this aren't "public relations events" or "excursions," they are vital for national security, at least when nobody named "Trump" is on the trip. (Don't worry, they didn't just spend their airline miles on a Delta flight to Kabul. They were chartering a plane.)

But according to Pelosi's deputy chief of staff Drew Hammill, they had to scrap those plans too, because Trump leaked them, thereby endangering their security and potentially putting the troops in Afghanistan in danger, all because President BabyShits HAD A UPSET.

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Trump Told Michael Cohen To Lie To Congress. Is That Bad?

Everybody knows Donald Trump is a shady dumpsterfuck mobster wannabe, and we've always assumed we would eventually find out he tampered with and threatened witnesses in the Russia investigation, because he's a shady dumpsterfuck mobster wannabe. So in that way, last night's breaking news from BuzzFeed isn't surprising at all -- that Trump literally told Michael Cohen to lie to Congress about the Moscow Trump Tower project he was pursuing during the 2016 campaign, while lying repeatedly to the public and saying he had no business in Russia, NO RUSSIA, NO RUSSIA, YOU ARE THE RUSSIA.

If you need a recap, Michael Cohen pleaded guilty to lying to Congress about a deal Trump was pursuing to build a Trump Tower in Moscow, a deal that in and of itself raises many questions about whether it was part of the quid pro quo for Russia helping Trump steal the White House. Cohen told Congress that negotiations for the project had ended long before the campaign really got going, specifically before the Iowa caucuses; that Trump only ever discussed the deal with him three little tiny times and that he himself had only barely mentioned it to the kids; that he never considered going to Russia to work on the deal during the campaign, and that moreover, Trump had also never considered going to Russia to meet Putin about the deal during the campaign; and that he had only had limited contacts with the Kremlin about the deal after January of 2016.

All of this was lies.

The project was ongoing during the campaign, Trump's family was in on it, there was all kinds of talk of Cohen and Trump going to Moscow, and the Kremlin was heavily involved, specifically Kremlin figure Dmitry Peskov, Putin's right-hand man, all the way up to at least summer of 2016, when things started to fall apart for some reason. (Peskov also shows up in the Steele Dossier as the person who allegedly held the keys to the kingdom when it came to the Kremlin's plan to ratfuck the 2016 election against Hillary Clinton.)

Oh yeah, and remember how the Trumps were going to give Vladimir Putin the $50 million penthouse in the tower, as a bribe to pay down part of their loan as a very normal gift?

BuzzFeed is reporting that Trump was looped in on this entire process, that he and Cohen met at least TEN TIMES about the project, and that Trump literally directed Cohen to tell those lies to Congress, which is called suborning perjury, which is in any sane world an impeachable offense. Wingnuts on the internet and Rudy Giuliani are already saying, "OH YEAH, U GON BELIEVE A KNOWN LAHR LIKE MICHAEL COHEN?" This is because they are commenting on the article before reading the article, in which BuzzFeed specifically says its sources are "two federal law enforcement officials involved in an investigation of the matter" and that they have texts and emails.

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Trump To Pelosi: I KNOW YOU ARE BUT WHAT IF I STEP ON MY OWN DICK AND EAT IT AT THE SAME TIME?

Moments after we published our last piece, on how Nancy Pelosi is the true boss of President Whiny Ass Titty Baby, and how she utterly shivved him when she canceled his State of the Union address, Trump finally responded. We knew he would, because he is a thin-skinned manchild whose entire self is crushed by every perceived slight, but we never knew how pathetic his response would be.

Pelosi had been scheduled to leave this afternoon on a overseas CODEL (congressional delegation) to Afghanistan, a trip that was supposed to be a secret, because all trips like that are supposed to be a secret, especially when you're dealing with the person second in line to the presidency flying into war zones. Trump might know this, because he secretly went to Iraq over Christmas during the shutdown, after he was shamed into it, and he complained about how dark it was on Air Force One, because they had to keep it dark for security reasons.

But now Trump has CANCELED NANCY PELOSI'S TRIP, because TAKE THAT, NANCY. And to show just what a dick he is, Trump canceled the trip after the bus carrying the delegation, which also included Reps. Adam Schiff, Mark Takano, Stephen Lynch and others, had already left for the airport.

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Culture Wars

Trump: Me, Impeached? LOOK, A TERRORIST PRAYER RUG!

His head's still stuck in A) 2014 and B) his ass.

President Grampa took to the Twitter Machine to again make the case that we need WALL to protect us from all the scary terrorists streaming into our country, repeating a completely hearsay story from the rightwing Washington Examiner about a rancher in New Mexico who says she has personally seen a lot of "Muslim prayer rugs" discarded in the desert. It's simply logic: Scary Muslim terrists are secretly infiltrating our country through the southern border, and we can tell because they casually cast aside their extremist Muslim religious accoutrements for any rando to find. That suggests either terribly lax operational security on the part of the terrists, or maybe just proves how brazen they are, leaving their jihad rugs right out for anyone to see.

There's a third possibility, which is that people are repeating some serious bullshit fresh from the border panic of 2014, and insisting any random scrap of fabric in the desert is a "prayer rug." But come on, that's surely a stretch. Errebody knows Obama allowed ISIS to operate "22 training camps" right here in the USA, and how else would all those terrists get here if not by sneaking up from the border, except not very sneakily?

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popular

Anti-Choicers, Ben Shapiro March For Their Own Stunning Lack Of Self-Awareness

The ignorance is strong here.

Today, a large group of people who care about children in literally no other contexts are taking to the streets of Washington DC to demand that women be forced to give birth against their will. They call it the March for Life, and this year it's packed with even more irony and less self-awareness than usual. Get this -- their theme this year is SCIENCE.

In the spirit of the march, Mitch McConnell, who has been missing for days and has claimed it would be pointless to vote on any bill during the government shutdown, who has refused to even hear any bills to reopen the government, finally decided to make his way to the Senate floor to cast a pointless, symbolic vote to make the Hyde Amendment permanent. You know the Hyde Amendment. It's the extremely gross one that makes it so those who get their healthcare from the federal government -- those on Medicare/Medicaid, veterans and those currently in the military, federal employees, Native Americans, and those in the Peace Corps -- cannot have any part of their abortions covered by their health care. This is something the Republicans do each year, and each year it doesn't happen. This year, it also did not happen. The bill, which would need 60 votes to pass, got only 47.

OI' Turtleface does not give a flying shit about all the federal workers who are going without pay -- many of whom probably even have babies -- but he will sure as hell show up for a bullshit vote to show the anti-choice crowd how excited he is about making sure the poors are denied access to basic reproductive care. Nice!

As mentioned, the theme of this year's march is SCIENCE and how being anti-choice is totally not at odds with SCIENCE. You know, even though they keep having to make up their own SCIENCE in order to make it harder to obtain abortions. They have to make shit up like "fetal pain" being a thing that can possibly even exist at 20 weeks gestation, that abortion is unsafe, that abortions can be reversed, etc. etc.

Thus, to kick things off at the march, Ben "Facts Don't Care About Your Feelings" Shapiro gave a speech that many are describing as "five commercials for products sponsoring his podcast."

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Russia

Trump AG Nominee Bill Barr Should Have Kept His Big Mouth Shut About Obstruction Of Justice

Too late now, Chatty Cathy!

HOW YOU LIVIN', BILL BARR? Still glad you sent that memo to the president's lawyers saying there's no obstruction unless the president actually suborns perjury? Still psyched for your fancy new DOJ job? Or are you maybe thinking you should have kept your fat mouth shut and not opined on a prosecution you didn't know anything about, because now you're totally boxed in between that rabid dog in the Oval and congressional Democrats who got you to own your shit on the record?

Let's rewind the tape to June 2018, when former Bush Attorney General Bill Barr sends an unsolicited memo to Rod Rosenstein and Donald Trump's lawyers expounding his theory of the case in the Mueller investigation. Because Barr is a good samaritan, see, not at all because he's trying to get the AG job for himself. Without knowing any details of the case, Bill Barr is certain that it was opened because Donald Trump fired James Comey, and for no other reason. (IT WASN'T.) And because the president has the right to fire the FBI director, he can't possibly be obstructing justice when he does it. Ipso facto ergo hence, the entire investigation is illegitimate. And PS, NO COLLUSION.

The President, as far as I know, is not being accused of engaging in any wrongful act of evidence impairment. Instead, Mueller is proposing an unprecedented expansion of obstruction law so as to reach facially-lawful actions taken by the President in exercising the discretion vested in him by the Constitution.

Those Bushies have such a raging hard on for their theory of the unitary executive as a President God King. Like they didn't preside over the wholesale destabilization of the Middle East based on an obvious lie about "weapons of mass destruction" and then fuck up the 9-11 prosecutions by torturing all the witnesses at black sites. But we digress.

Samaritan Barr was so sure of his uninformed conjecture about the Mueller predicate that he helpfully laid out examples of what REAL OBSTRUCTION would look like. Because obviously Donald Trump would never encourage a witness to lie like a common Clinton or Nixon, right?

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popular

Cardi B: Obamacare Helped Get Your P*ssy Checked!

She also explains how the wall WON'T help you get your p*ssy checked.

The government of the United States has been shut the hell down for a cool minute now. It's so bad that cracks are finally beginning to show even amongst Trump's broke ass farmers, while even people who HAVE money, like Cardi B, are becoming concerned as hell about government workers not getting paid. For 28 days (and counting) our president has been bumbling around DC in utter and complete failmode. With Nancy Pelosi busy at the moment trying to keep Trump from siccing actual terrorists on her, Cardi B decided to step up and try her hand at the Democratic Party pastime of completely owning Trump.

In her minute-long rant, she hits important topics in politics like: Obama and previous shutdowns, Trump and racism, economic anxiety and social justice; healthcare topics like high blood pressure, and most important of all? How much easier it is to get your p*ssy checked out under Obamacare than it was before. She can tell you better than I can, let's watch.

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Post-Racial America

Missouri Rep. Demands California Rep. 'Go Back To Puerto Rico,' Where He Is Not From

It is possible Steve King wasn't the only racist in the GOP.

It's been an embarrassing week for Republicans and the voters who pretend they aren't racist. The House voted Tuesday to reprimand relative-of-abolitionists Steve King for his latest in a long series of racist remarks. Concerned op-eds were written about how these racist incidents were distracting from the GOP's platform of starving people of all races. Then came Thursday and a Republican made another "racially charged" comment on the House floor. "Racially charged" is the media's favorite euphemism for "racist," because racism is actually the electric current powering the modern GOP.

Missouri Rep. Jason Smith shouted, "Go back to Puerto Rico" at Democratic Rep. Tony Cárdenas, who was at the podium waiting to speak during a voice vote on a continuing resolution to reopen the government. Cárdenas is a representative from California, which is not in Puerto Rico. We checked.

"I was shocked, because I often heard those kinds of comments when I was a kid growing up in Pacoima, California, where I was born and raised," Cárdenas said in an email.

House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer noted the outburst and said, "I'm not sure what's going on, but I object." (This is also a common form of pillow talk from Mike Pence.)

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News

Nancy Pelosi Was Going To Go To Afghanistan Anyway, But Trump F*cked That Up Too

Oh look, he was trying to put Pelosi AND the troops in Afghanistan in danger!

On Thursday, Donald Trump finally retaliated against Nancy Pelosi for canceling his stupid gross State of the Union address, by canceling her CODEL to Brussels and Afghanistan, literally while she and the delegation were on the way to the airport. Because you can do a lot of things during a government shutdown, but you definitely can't go visit the troops! "FUCK NANCY PELOSI and FUCK THE TROOPS," Trump seemed to be saying. In his letter, he said Pelosi and her delegation were, of course, free to fly commercially to Afghanistan if they wanted to. We guess he thought he was being cute.

The speaker of the House is not supposed to fly commercially for things like this. That change was made after 9/11, for security reasons, because the speaker is second in line to the presidency. But they have some leeway on when and if they want to use military jets and when they don't, and after Trump's announcement yesterday, Pelosi took him up on his dare. That's right, they were going to go anyway, because eat shit, Mister President, trips like this aren't "public relations events" or "excursions," they are vital for national security, at least when nobody named "Trump" is on the trip. (Don't worry, they didn't just spend their airline miles on a Delta flight to Kabul. They were chartering a plane.)

But according to Pelosi's deputy chief of staff Drew Hammill, they had to scrap those plans too, because Trump leaked them, thereby endangering their security and potentially putting the troops in Afghanistan in danger, all because President BabyShits HAD A UPSET.

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Culture Wars

Mike Huckabee Brings The Sex

And a longing for the sweet release of death.

If you're the sort of reader who enjoys the comedic Twitter Stylings of Mike Huckabee, you'll be delighted that some guy on Twitter called attention this week to the hilariously funny content on Huckabee's talk show on cable backwater TBN, gilded-toilet home of the Crouches. It's just like reading the failed presidential candidate's Twitter feed for an hour, only with a house band.

Huckabee's show has been around since 2017, but we only watched the current episode thanks to the thread from some socialist calling himself "Endless Bummer," in which we're treated to some prime examples of great bland comedy. So of course we watched a recent full episode of the show for the week of January 12, 2019, although the look and feel is more late-night chat from 1992.

Huckabee kicked off with a touching, sincere monologue about how most Americans are nice people wanting to go good, and isn't it sad too many of us get caught up in politics and partisanship? Then Huck -- please, call him Huck! -- moved to his desk and condemned crazy Democrats for wanting to impeach a duly elected president over nothing. Nobody seemed to notice the instant shift in tone, because why would they? He interviewed Alan Dershowitz, who's flogging a book about how impeachment might actually be illegal. Weirdly, the split-screen parts of the remote interview were framed over a looping video of clouds rolling by, as if Huck and Dershowitz were at 35,000 feet.

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popular

Impotent Mosquitos Could Help End Malaria, Insert Bob Dole Viagra Joke My God We're So Old

You Fucking Love Science!

Someone who contracts malaria can typically expect a complete recovery with proper and timely medical intervention. However, even with that being the case, malaria still kills over 400,000 worldwide and infects over 200 million people a year. There are efforts from multiple organizations to bring these numbers down, and progress IS happening. In the year 2000, the WHO estimates that 985,000 people died, so in just under 20 years we've managed to knock deaths down 60%. Looking at the chart below, you can see it's a combination of both knocking down the incidence and the mortality. The former seems to be attributed to a massive campaign to provide insecticide-treated nets to areas where malaria occurs and the latter to making treatments more easily available.

Percherie - CHU de Rouen - Paludisme en Amérique CHU de Rouen - Paludisme en Afrique CHU de Rouen - Paludisme en Asie

While treatments are effective, getting them to patients in the poor countries where most malaria cases occur can be a challenge. Preventing the infection in the first place has an obvious advantage, but while vaccine projects are active, there are no effective ones yet. Physical barriers like nets and programs to bring mosquito populations down have obviously been successful, but now, the smarties at Target Malaria have a cool new approach that might wipe the nasty disease off the face of the Earth.

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Russia

Trump Told Michael Cohen To Lie To Congress. Is That Bad?

Individual 1 been berry berry bad.

Everybody knows Donald Trump is a shady dumpsterfuck mobster wannabe, and we've always assumed we would eventually find out he tampered with and threatened witnesses in the Russia investigation, because he's a shady dumpsterfuck mobster wannabe. So in that way, last night's breaking news from BuzzFeed isn't surprising at all -- that Trump literally told Michael Cohen to lie to Congress about the Moscow Trump Tower project he was pursuing during the 2016 campaign, while lying repeatedly to the public and saying he had no business in Russia, NO RUSSIA, NO RUSSIA, YOU ARE THE RUSSIA.

If you need a recap, Michael Cohen pleaded guilty to lying to Congress about a deal Trump was pursuing to build a Trump Tower in Moscow, a deal that in and of itself raises many questions about whether it was part of the quid pro quo for Russia helping Trump steal the White House. Cohen told Congress that negotiations for the project had ended long before the campaign really got going, specifically before the Iowa caucuses; that Trump only ever discussed the deal with him three little tiny times and that he himself had only barely mentioned it to the kids; that he never considered going to Russia to work on the deal during the campaign, and that moreover, Trump had also never considered going to Russia to meet Putin about the deal during the campaign; and that he had only had limited contacts with the Kremlin about the deal after January of 2016.

All of this was lies.

The project was ongoing during the campaign, Trump's family was in on it, there was all kinds of talk of Cohen and Trump going to Moscow, and the Kremlin was heavily involved, specifically Kremlin figure Dmitry Peskov, Putin's right-hand man, all the way up to at least summer of 2016, when things started to fall apart for some reason. (Peskov also shows up in the Steele Dossier as the person who allegedly held the keys to the kingdom when it came to the Kremlin's plan to ratfuck the 2016 election against Hillary Clinton.)

Oh yeah, and remember how the Trumps were going to give Vladimir Putin the $50 million penthouse in the tower, as a bribe to pay down part of their loan as a very normal gift?

BuzzFeed is reporting that Trump was looped in on this entire process, that he and Cohen met at least TEN TIMES about the project, and that Trump literally directed Cohen to tell those lies to Congress, which is called suborning perjury, which is in any sane world an impeachable offense. Wingnuts on the internet and Rudy Giuliani are already saying, "OH YEAH, U GON BELIEVE A KNOWN LAHR LIKE MICHAEL COHEN?" This is because they are commenting on the article before reading the article, in which BuzzFeed specifically says its sources are "two federal law enforcement officials involved in an investigation of the matter" and that they have texts and emails.

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Post-Racial America

THOUSANDS More Kids Were Taken From Parents Than U.S. Admitted. So, Um, Good Job?

Jesus Christ these people.

With the government shut down for the sake of Donald Trump's wet dream WALL, it only makes sense we'd get another reminder of just HOW GOOD Team Trump is at cruelty toward undocumented migrants. The Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) yesterday released a report by its Inspector General, finding that oops, actually the number of children taken from their parents at the border is probably thousands more than the government originally counted. And no, nobody has a very clear idea of whether they were actually reunited, because the only court case demanding family reunification didn't include families separated prior to the official "Zero Tolerance" policy. Look, they BROKE THE LAW, so Jesus said America could do whatever it wants to them.

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Russia

'Make It Happen.' Wonkagenda For Fri., Jan. 18, 2019

Trump's shutdown enters day 28, and Michael Cohen was ordered to lie to Congress. Your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today!

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News

Trump To Pelosi: I KNOW YOU ARE BUT WHAT IF I STEP ON MY OWN DICK AND EAT IT AT THE SAME TIME?

Well played, Trump! Or, you know, the opposite of that.

Moments after we published our last piece, on how Nancy Pelosi is the true boss of President Whiny Ass Titty Baby, and how she utterly shivved him when she canceled his State of the Union address, Trump finally responded. We knew he would, because he is a thin-skinned manchild whose entire self is crushed by every perceived slight, but we never knew how pathetic his response would be.

Pelosi had been scheduled to leave this afternoon on a overseas CODEL (congressional delegation) to Afghanistan, a trip that was supposed to be a secret, because all trips like that are supposed to be a secret, especially when you're dealing with the person second in line to the presidency flying into war zones. Trump might know this, because he secretly went to Iraq over Christmas during the shutdown, after he was shamed into it, and he complained about how dark it was on Air Force One, because they had to keep it dark for security reasons.

But now Trump has CANCELED NANCY PELOSI'S TRIP, because TAKE THAT, NANCY. And to show just what a dick he is, Trump canceled the trip after the bus carrying the delegation, which also included Reps. Adam Schiff, Mark Takano, Stephen Lynch and others, had already left for the airport.

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Post-Racial America

Wingnuts Spend Day Thinking About Lindsey Graham Naked, Blame Muslim Congresslady

The wingers only have one play, and they run it over and over and over.

Your Wonkette DGAF what Lindsey Graham does with his nasty bits. We have to write about all the ladies That Orange Idiot bumped his uglies with for work, and the last thing in the world we want to think about is the sex lives of any more evil, old Republicans. Clearly Senator Graham's sexual orientation is HIGHEST BIDDER, and that's all we have to say on the topic.

But we do care if Lindsey Graham's abrupt about-face on Donald Trump came about due to outside influence. Because in 2016, Lindsey Graham knew Donald Trump was a pathetic conman.

But the 2019 version pretends that the president's demented driblings are inspirational sermons and his dogged destruction of the post-war alliances that kept us out of a world war for 75 years is part of a grand strategic vision worthy of Churchill. FFS, yesterday Lindsey Graham voted in favor of allowing Oleg Deripaska's aluminum company to come off the sanctions list. Something's not right here.

So when new Congresswoman Ilhan Omar says, "They got to him," we're thinking she's not that far off the mark.

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Media/Entertainment

So Are We Just Gonna Let Bustle CEO Bryan Goldberg Ruin The Internet?

He's relaunching both Gawker and Mic.

Once upon a time, in 2013, Bryan Goldberg, owner of Bleacher Report, made an announcement. He, a man, was going to invent the world's very first website for women. Sure! There was already Jezebel, XOJane, The Toast, Bitch, Bust, The Hairpin, The Frisky, Slate's XX, Autostraddle, Refinery29, Feministe, Feministing, Clutch, Crunk Feminist Collective and approximately 25,000 other women's sites out there at the time, but he had never heard of any of those. So he was going to make the first women's site ever. Particularly the first ever site that combined both politics and fashion tips.

Isn't it time for a women's publication that puts world news and politics alongside beauty tips? What about a site that takes an introspective look at the celebrity world, while also having a lot of fun covering it? How about a site that offers career advice and book reviews, while also reporting on fashion trends and popular memes?

Oh wow, what an amazing brand new idea he had! And following that were reports that he did not intend to pay writers very much, as well as later reports that the writers were making very little for the amount of work they were expected to do. There was that time there was a picture in the New Yorker of Goldberg using a female employee's legs as a desk. Oh! And read this bit from a former employee who helped him find women to write for the site:

"We had a big database with hundreds of names of potential writers. He specifically wanted ones from small towns who would work for less than people based in SF or NY... he asked me to search for talented writers in Poughkeepsie or Pittsburgh or "other crappy cities that begin with P." In one of our meetings we went through some of the writers I picked... some from Jezebel, HelloGiggles, xoJane, etc. He had them up on the projector and we went to their sites and rated them on a 1-5 scale. There was a list of criteria — 'good grammar,' 'frequently updates blog.' Then there were qualities he didn't want — i.e. 'angry,' 'man-hating.' And everyone was rated on this scale. He told me not to contact so many "smart" writers (I think he meant something very specific by "smart") and that many of the ones I liked seemed to have big chips on their shoulders. He'd never heard of Bitch or xoJane, and I don't think he knew about Bust magazine before I told him about it... I told him about Bitch and he snarked on the name and said 'advertisers must love that.'"

Are you screaming now?

Late last year, Goldberg acquired Gawker -- a site that had continually reported on his awfulness throughout the years -- and is now relaunching it. He also acquired Mic, immediately firing everyone on its unionized staff. Nice!

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News

Trump Grappling With Painful Realization That Nancy Pelosi Is His Real Dad

Vladimir Putin, you've been replaced! Haha just kidding, no you haven't.

Donald Trump is super chill right now, you guys. That's what the White House is telling us. He's cool and calm and collected over how he's losing his WALL fight, and hard, and he's totally easy breezy about Nancy Pelosi canceling his State of the Union lie-fest, just light as a feather, it's like Folgers in his cup and he can't believe it's not butter and

"Countrty."

Anything else?

There it is. Is Schumer groveling? Not that we can tell. But Trump isn't all that scared of Schumer, so let's all project our pant-shitting rage fear on to him!

Trump is scared of Nancy Pelosi, though. Oh damn, he is terrified, and he's got all kinds of excuses for why he's not attacking her, all of which are intended to deflect from how he hasn't quite processed yet that Nancy Pelosi is the boss of him (JUST LIKE WE SAID SHE WOULD BE).

A woman? THE BOSS OF HIM? The fuck you say!

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popular

Meet Pam! Pam Is A Competent Trump Official Who ... Oh Wait She Just Quit, GOODBYE PAM!

Now it's just Crazy Ben and the Nincompoops.

Time for another farewell to another government official who bucked the Trump system by being annoyingly competent. The Washington Post brings us the story of Pam Patenaude, who until today served as deputy secretary of the Department of Housing and Urban Development. She was also one of the few people in top leadership who seemed to know a damn thing about HUD's mission and actually helping poor people get housing.

The WaPo story is kind of amazing. A whole bunch of current and former HUD insiders paint Patenaude as the one competent person in the agency fighting to do good work while surrounded by nincompoops. But Patenaude, ever the loyal political appointee, insisted in an interview that she's leaving to spend more time with her family and no, no, she certainly has no issues with the administration or the leadership of HUD Secretary Ben Carson, who has filled HUD with partisan hacks, suck-ups, and Trump campaign cast-offs who know nothing about HUD but needed well-paid government jobs. Ah, but we repeat ourselves.

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