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​KING TRUMP HEREBY ORDERS Hahahahahahahahahahaha Shut Up

And when they had platted a crown of thorns, they put it upon his head, and a reed in his right hand: and they bowed the knee before him, and mocked him, saying, Hail, King of the Jews! (Matthew 27:29-30 KJV)

President Chosen One is having a day. You probably don't want to look at your 401K right now, because China just announced $75 billion in retaliatory tariffs meant to hit Trump right where it hurts (on his ego, and also on his base), which started the markets off fucked this morning. This made Orange Shithole Jesus very angry, and when Orange Shithole Jesus is very angry, he summons all the powers in his tiny little hamster paws, and starts screaming at the world on Twitter. Of course, in so doing, he said something that made all of America and the rest of the Twitter-connected world keel over laughing at him, and not with him:


Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha LOLOLOLOLOLOL go fuck yourself.

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The DOJ Sent An Anti-Semitic Rant From A White Nationalist Site To Every Immigration Court Worker In America

Imagine you're an immigration judge. You've just had your coffee and are going about your business on a Monday morning, checking your inbox, when you see your daily news briefing email from the Department of Justice. You click on it, and you see a link to what turns out to be a completely batshit anti-Semitic article about, well, immigration judges like yourself, from a notorious white nationalist site. That would be pretty weird, right?

Well, that is what happened Monday.

BuzzFeed reports that the Justice Department's Executive Office for Immigration Review (EOIR) sent out an email to all immigration court employees that included an article from VDare (archived link), a white nationalist site where they scream about immigrants all day long. The site is named for Virginia Dare, the first English child born in the Americas, to a woman in the Roanoke Colony, and its mission is to protect white people from disappearing, just like the lost colony of Roanoke did. CROATOAN!

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Overstock Dude Says He Only Pretended To Bone Russian Spy Maria Butina For Love Of Country

GO HOME 2019, YOU ARE DRUNK! The country cannot take another batshit news cycle with an insane, libertarian CEO waving around his wizened wiener, shouting that the evil Deep State made him bone Russian spy Maria Butina. We are all so, so tired. And yet, here we are, having to learn about Overstock.com owner Patrick Byrne, the looniest corporate titan on the block since the feds picked up John McAfee.

Okay, fine. Glove up, kids, we're going in.

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Who Put The Dumbass Greenland Idea In Trump's Head? This Dumbass Did.

NOW WE KNOW WHO THE ASSHOLE IS.

When it was first reported that Donald Trump was waddling around the White House begging to write letters to Santa so he could say he's been a very good boy this year, therefore can he pretty please have Greenland, Rachel Maddow exhorted the people who surround Donald Trump not to play such cruel pranks on the president, filling his tiny little brain with ideas like this. Everybody knows by this point that if you tell Trump some hilarious bullshit, especially hilarious bullshit that could inflate his false sense of importance, he will take to it like a puppy with a bone or a full-grown dog showing lipstick, and he will not. let. it. go. Thus, Greenland.

Hell, the news came out, and it turned out Trump was so addicted to the idea, and soooooooo very not in on the joke, that he actually had a temper tantrum and canceled his upcoming trip state visit to Denmark when he found out he would not be allowed to close escrow on Greenland.

And now we know how he got that idea. The trouble is that the person who gave him the idea is at least as stupid as he is, so it feels a little bit cruel to tell Arkansas Senator Tom Cotton not to play jokes like this on the president, since he's probably not in on the joke either.

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Guns

Tomi Lahren Debuts Athleisure Line For The Woman Who Wants Yoga Pants That DON'T Hate America

This is a real thing that is happening, I am sorry to say.

Of the many difficulties that conservative Republican women face in America, perhaps purchasing yoga pants and sports bras is the most fraught of all. These days, it is practically impossible to find a pair of leggings without "FUCK AMERICA" or a hammer and sickle emblazoned on them somewhere. But Tomi Lahren is here to save the day with her very own pro-America, pro-Second Amendment athleisure line.

Now, Tomi knows that some people might say she is "controversial" to have an athleisure line, because people are often thinking about who is and is not allowed to have an athleisure line. But she will show them! She will show them all! She made some leggings and she does not care who knows it. AMERICA. FREEDOM. UNATTRACTIVE STRETCH PANTS IN UGLY PATTERNS.



Behold! There is also a video:

Freedom by Tomi Lahren youtu.be

In this video, which is pure gold, Tomi rages against the well-established liberal domination of the leggings industry:

"I think there are a lot of young girls out there that don't really feel like they have a brand that represents their freedom, they don't feel like they have a brand that represents their rights. It's kind of been taken over by a certain group of people. And I wanted my fans, my followers, my friends to have a line that they could wear and feel proud to be an American, proud of freedom, proud of the country that they live in. And that's really what this line represents." [...]

""It's not just a pair of leggings and a sports bra, this is saying that somebody like me has a place in this industry, whereas we might often be locked out of it. That's what Alexo is, that's what Freedom by Tomi Lahren is, it's a community, it's a friendship, it's a following of people that wanna wear something and support, also being able to get into an area where people tell us we shouldn't be able to get into."

Are people keeping Tomi Lahren out of the leggings industry because she's a conservative or because she is not actually very good at designing clothes? It is so hard to tell!

So far, her design comes in two America-loving patterns, American stars and camouflage — but like, pink camouflage because she "likes to be a little bit unconventional" — and can be bought from on the Alexo Athletica website for way the hell too much money. For me anyway. The last pair of yoga pants I bought, I bought at Marshall's for $9.00. But probably they were commie liberal leggings that hate America, unlike Tomi Lahren's unapologetically capitalist $89 leggings.


The high price tag of course, is for the sheer originality of leggings with liberty stars on them or pink camouflage sports bras, concepts no one before has ever been brave — or pro-America enough — to try.

As the line's founder, Amy Robbins, explains in the video, Alexo is a pro-Second Amendment athleisure brand featuring leggings and running shorts with extremely unsafe-looking gun holsters.

I remain slightly unconvinced that right-wingers have been cruelly frozen out of the fashion industry due to liberal bias alone, rather than because they tend to be so bad at art that they think pink camo is "unconventional" and daring. After all, Coco Chanel was pretty much a Nazi and she managed to do OK.

Anyway, this is now your open thread! Go and be fashionable!

[YouTube]

Hey Wonkette readers, you gonna spend $89 on Freedom Leggings, or are you going to donate to Wonkette?

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popular

Sure Seems Like This Ridiculous Racist Lady Shouldn't Be Teaching Law At Penn

Meet Amy Wax! And then regret it immediately!

Today, the New Yorker ran an excessively long interview with America's Most Fanciest Racist, tenured Penn Law Professor Amy Wax, a woman who is famous exclusively for popping out of the woodwork at least once a year and publicly saying something so appalling that Penn has to issue a statement about how they don't agree with whatever appalling thing she recently said and then consign her to teaching electives or give her a "paid vacation."

You may recall the time, back in 2017, when she made the demonstrably false claim that she had never seen a black student graduate in the top quarter of their class at University of Pennsylvania. Or the time when she suggested that even if Dr. Christine Blasey Ford's allegations against Brett Kavanaugh were true, she shouldn't be "bitching" about them now, because "basic dignity and fairness" say that it is now too late for that. Or the time a couple months ago when she started going off about how we should only allow white European immigrants into America, on account of how immigrants from other areas of the world are loud and prone to littering.

Oh, how I wish I were making any of this shit up. I am not.

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News

​KING TRUMP HEREBY ORDERS Hahahahahahahahahahaha Shut Up

President Chosen One is having a day, y'all.

And when they had platted a crown of thorns, they put it upon his head, and a reed in his right hand: and they bowed the knee before him, and mocked him, saying, Hail, King of the Jews! (Matthew 27:29-30 KJV)

President Chosen One is having a day. You probably don't want to look at your 401K right now, because China just announced $75 billion in retaliatory tariffs meant to hit Trump right where it hurts (on his ego, and also on his base), which started the markets off fucked this morning. This made Orange Shithole Jesus very angry, and when Orange Shithole Jesus is very angry, he summons all the powers in his tiny little hamster paws, and starts screaming at the world on Twitter. Of course, in so doing, he said something that made all of America and the rest of the Twitter-connected world keel over laughing at him, and not with him:


Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha LOLOLOLOLOLOL go fuck yourself.

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Class War

Yr Wonkette Says Only Good Things About The Dead. David Koch Is Dead. Good.

In which we speak ill of the dead. He earned it.

David Koch, the billionaire who along with his brother Charles funneled vast wealth into building the infrastructure of the modern right wing, is dead at the age of 79. He had retired from (or was forced out of) his family's politics-and-money business last year. We're supposed to be impressed that he donated a great big $1.3 billion of his massive $42.2 billion fortune to philanthropic causes, but let's not fool ourselves: the man was an American oligarch who helped remake America's politics and economy to serve his own ends, and our only regret at his passing is that as far as we know, Rod Serling will not be constructing a personal hell for him where he will personally experience the less charming effects of unrestrained capitalism, like watching his child die because he can't afford insurance, or perhaps being a Banglasdeshi whose entire family is wiped out by coastal flooding due to global warming.

Instead, his defunct meat will be buried in a grave somewhere that decent people won't even be allowed to piss on, and where's the justice in THAT?

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US of America News

The Three Stupidest Things Fox News Said Yesterday (Only Most Of Them Were Brian Kilmeade)

Fox News would be a goddamned national treasure if it wasn't destroying America.

Before you say "hey Wonkette, why are you telling us the worst things that happened on Fox News yesterday?" let us tell you. Friday is not over yet, for one thing. Secondly, while Fox News is very interesting so far today, like it always is, and is sharing so much vital factual information with its viewers, yesterday was just kinda sorta special. Also it is Friday and we are Wonkette-By-Numbers-ing the shit out of this shit, so maybe you should go eat worms.

Bobby Lewis from Media Matters has of course live-tweeted all of it, so for the sake of "thorough," here are your top stories from "Fox & Friends" this morning, so you don't feel like you're out of the loop when you go to the MENSA meeting later:

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2020 presidential election

All These Democrat Criminal Justice Reform Plans Is A COP!

Just teasing, lots of good ideas in here!

In the last week, both Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren released plans for criminal justice reform, joining a big crowd of Democratic candidates with proposals to fix our dysfunctional justice system. Whoever gets the nomination, there's no shortage of good ideas that deserve action if WHEN Dems take back the White House and Senate in 2020. The Warren and Sanders plans join similarly ambitious calls for remaking criminal justice from Joe Biden, Cory Booker, and Amy Klobuchar. (it's a priority for Kamala Harris too, but she hasn't yet released a full policy paper.) On the whole, the plans emphasize reducing incarceration for low-level offenses (especially nonviolent drug charges), orienting prisons toward rehabilitation and reducing re-offense rates, and reforming institutional structures to address the worst crimes, as opposed to just routinely locking up the poor, black and brown people, and people with mental illnesses.

We appreciate a good epigraph as much as anyone, and for this topic, it would be hard to top the quote that leads off the Sanders plan. It's from Nelson Mandela, who knew a thing or 27 years about prison: "It is said that no one truly knows a nation until one has been inside its jails."

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White House

New Sarah Huckabee Sanders Has History Of Plagiarism And DUIs, She Sounds #BeBest

Almost anyone would be an improvement over Sarah Huckabee Sanders, and we guess Stephanie Grisham is technically 'almost anyone.'

We told you yesterday that horrible person Sarah Huckabee Sanders has a sweet new deal at Fox News, where she will lie shamelessly for money. It's not a big stretch from what Sanders did previously as White House press secretary, a once noble position she disgraced. We'd consider almost anyone who replaced her an improvement, and Stephanie Grisham is almost anyone, so we shouldn't complain that Grisham doesn't actually do her job. The White House hasn't held a press briefing since Sanders told a bunch of lies on March 11, and Grisham claims press briefings are passé because Donald Trump is "so accessible" and "that's good enough." It so isn't. Trump tweets bigoted garbage and yells lies at reporters while standing near a rotored conveyance he helpfully identifies as a helicopter. Even if he was effectively communicating to the American people like a functioning mammal, why is Grisham trying to downsize herself two months into the job?

According to profile in the New York Times, this new gig is supposedly the realization of a lifelong dream for Grisham.

"I've always had a picture of the White House and it would always sit right in front of my desk" in the Arizona Capitol, Ms. Grisham told a local television interviewer from the state shortly after joining the administration. "Whenever I was having a hard day I could look at it and remember what my goal was."

This makes sense if her goal was to someday visit the White House or even just walk past it on the way to one of DC's finer restaurants. Pretty much anyone can do at least one of those things. She should've aimed higher and framed a photo of the Oval Office specifically or the war room or someplace they don't show you on the standard tour.

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popular

The DOJ Sent An Anti-Semitic Rant From A White Nationalist Site To Every Immigration Court Worker In America

How awkward for Donald Trump, 'King of Israel!'

Imagine you're an immigration judge. You've just had your coffee and are going about your business on a Monday morning, checking your inbox, when you see your daily news briefing email from the Department of Justice. You click on it, and you see a link to what turns out to be a completely batshit anti-Semitic article about, well, immigration judges like yourself, from a notorious white nationalist site. That would be pretty weird, right?

Well, that is what happened Monday.

BuzzFeed reports that the Justice Department's Executive Office for Immigration Review (EOIR) sent out an email to all immigration court employees that included an article from VDare (archived link), a white nationalist site where they scream about immigrants all day long. The site is named for Virginia Dare, the first English child born in the Americas, to a woman in the Roanoke Colony, and its mission is to protect white people from disappearing, just like the lost colony of Roanoke did. CROATOAN!

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Russia

Overstock Dude Says He Only Pretended To Bone Russian Spy Maria Butina For Love Of Country

Why are you like this, 2019?

GO HOME 2019, YOU ARE DRUNK! The country cannot take another batshit news cycle with an insane, libertarian CEO waving around his wizened wiener, shouting that the evil Deep State made him bone Russian spy Maria Butina. We are all so, so tired. And yet, here we are, having to learn about Overstock.com owner Patrick Byrne, the looniest corporate titan on the block since the feds picked up John McAfee.

Okay, fine. Glove up, kids, we're going in.

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popular

'Remain Calm!' Wonkagenda For Friday, August 23, 2019

Trade wars, gun humping, and global warming. Your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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News

Sarah Huckabee Sanders Hired By Father Of (Trump's) Lies

So that's on brand.

Donald Trump is the king of lies, a sad and weak little man who lies so much that if his mouth slit is even minimally open, you can be pretty sure he is lying. And Sarah Huckabee Sanders, when she was his press secretary, was the most disgusting asshole liar ever to stand in the White House press briefing room and collect a paycheck for lying on behalf of a lying liar.

But before there was Donald Trump the liar, and before there was Sarah Huckabee Sanders the White House Press Liar, there was Fox News, which has seeded many if not most of the lies Trump and Shuckafuck have told in their time in the public eye. Way back when Trump was just a cranky white supremacist conspiracy theorist grandpa on Twitter, he was obsessed with Fox News. (Now he is a cranky white supremacist conspiracy theorist grandpa on Twitter who also lost the people's vote by three million who is obsessed with Fox News. So we guess we're saying he's even less of a man than he used to be, which is remarkable.) One might even say Fox News is the father of Donald Trump's lies.

So it follows, and is completely expected, that now that Sarah Huckabee Sanders has destroyed the White House press briefing and fucked off to Arkansas to get out of our face, that she would choose to get back in our face and demand cheese plates so she could collect a paycheck for lying on Fox News, the father of Donald Trump's lies.

That's right we Shithole Sanders is officially going to work for the Father of Lies. But hasn't she been this whole time, really?

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popular

I Ate The Melon So Delicious It Maybe Killed A Pope One Time

SPOILER: I am not dead!

Once upon a time, though I don't recall exactly when or where, I read that Pope Paul II maybe died from eating too many melons.

Sure! There were other theories about his death. That it was merely a heart attack, or that he actually died while shtupping a pageboy. But it is the melon story that has stuck with me, haunted me, even. I had so many questions! What kind of melons were they? How many melons is too many melons? I love melons! Am I at risk?

And so at least once a year, I fall into an internet hole trying to find answers to these questions, and only come out of it more confused than I was previously.

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Environment

The Amazon Is On Fire. Bummer If You're A Fan Of Oxygen.

Thank God Brazil's president has a conspiracy theory to explain it.

We would hate to sound like alarmists, but it's probably a very bad thing that massive wildfires are destroying huge swaths of the Amazon rainforest. The Amazon has seen enormous rates of deforestation since rightwing president Jair Bolsonaro took office January 1, and Bolsonaro's response so far has been 1) to accuse the government agency that measures the deforestation of lying and being the tool of evil international NGOs trying to make him look bad; 2) to fire the head of that agency when he pushed back, and 3) to blame the fires on his political enemies. As of yet, Bolsonaro hasn't yet argued that someone needs to be raking the forests more carefully, but we imagine he'll get there. Perhaps he could blame fish, or maybe abortion, too.

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News

Very Shocking New Poll Shows Anti-Abortion A-Holes Mostly Just Hate Women

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?

You are never going to believe this, but it turns out that, according to a new poll from Supermajority/PerryUndem, people who are against abortion actually don't seem all that concerned about unborned babies. If you are shocked, you have not been paying attention. We and many others have been saying for years that if these people actually gave a shit about fetuses, they'd support policies that actually reduce the need for abortion, as opposed to trying to criminalize the women who need them and the doctors who provide them. But no, it's about control, and it's about punishment.

The entire poll, which is called "Gender Equality, the Status of Women and the 2020 Elections," is worth a look-see, but we are most interested in the part about the correlation between people's views on abortion and how they feel about other gender equality issues. SURPRISE, but so-called "pro-lifers" mostly just hate women.

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popular

Right-Wing Meme Site Fast Becoming Premier Destination For Would-Be Abortion Clinic Bombers

This is the worst of all possible trend pieces.

They say, in journalism and elsewhere, that "one is an example, two is a coincidence and three is a trend" — and once there's a trend, you can write a "trend piece." This is a trend piece! Unfortunately, this is not a trend piece about a whimsical new fad or hair accessory, but a trend piece about misogynistic murder threats. Because for the third time in a month, a young man has been arrested for threatening to shoot up an abortion clinic on iFunny, a social media meme site favored by white supremacists and the far right in general.

On August 13th, in response to something said by another commenter, 20-year-old Jacob Cooper of Clarksville, Tennessee, wrote, "Make sure you tell them about how I plan to shoot up a planned parenthood facility in Washington D.C., on August 19th at 3pm." [sic obviously] Fortunately for Planned Parenthood and unfortunately for Cooper, he now faces five years in jail for sending interstate threats, which is a federal offense.

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News

Moscow Mitch Writes Love Song To All The Senate Norms He's F*cked Before

McConnell writes NYT op-ed begging Democrats not to nuke filibuster. Sounds like he's scared.

The New York Times published a work of fiction today from Mitch McConnell. The tortoise who wrecked the Senate passionately defended the legislative filibuster, which he argues plays a "crucial role in our Constitutional order." McConnell isn't just a singularly graceless liar. He also thinks you're stupid.

This is how his fairy tale begins:

" You'll regret this, and you may regret this a lot sooner than you think."

That was my warning to Senate Democrats in November 2013.

Don't you just love a story that kicks off with someone's straight-up gangster declaration? The Godfather at least opened with a wedding. McConnell likes to cast former Democratic leader Harry Reid as the villain who blew up Senate norms so Barack Obama could pack the courts with Castro clones. This isn't what happened. The Republican Senate minority blocked countless Obama executive branch appointments. They were not "controversial," as McConnell claims -- they just weren't right wing hacks. Republicans also used the filibuster to "negotiate" legislative concessions. They were close to demanding protection money from Obama, so Reid went nuclear. McConnell, naturally, takes no responsibility for this. He repeatedly broke his word to Reid and refused to honor previous commitments.

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