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And Now, Sarah Huckabee Sanders With A Dramatic Reading Of The Day's Events

TEARS!

Sarah Huckabee Sanders is having feelings, everyone. They are real person feelings about how the Mueller report (she hasn't read) totally proves that Donald Trump is not a Russian agent, which is notable because it is a thing the Barr letter about the Mueller report (which she hasn't read) doesn't remotely address.

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Not So Fast, Wingers! There Are Still One Or A Thousand Pending Investigations.

BREAKING! The guy who sent Trump a letter saying, "Presidents are kings who can't obstruct justice, hire me!" has found that the president didn't obstruct justice! Thanks, Bill Barr -- you're a hell of a wingman.

While we await the release of the REAL Mueller report, as opposed to the Barr whitewash letter, let's take a moment to remind ourselves that the president's legal troubles are in no way at an end. He might well get away with playing footsie with the Russians, winking and nodding about sanctions and gratefully accepting the massive electoral boost from Putin's pet hackers, but he's not getting away with all of it. So here's a helpful list of the pending legal threats to the Trumpland gangsters.

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What Part Of 'Does Not Exonerate' Don't Republicans Understand?

Now that William Barr has carefully explained that the Mueller report didn't find enough evidence to prosecute Donald Trump for conspiracy, Republicans are all about proclaiming the Trump 2020 campaign slogan: WELL SHORT OF A FELONY!! Also, please never mind that part where even Barr admitted the report doesn't exonerate Trump of obstruction of justice, because why would anyone care about any other crimes?

Of course, if you want to get all factual about it, not even Barr's letter says Mueller found no evidence of wrongdoing -- just that he couldn't make a criminal case that could be proven beyond a reasonable doubt, as Roll Call explains. Thin though that is, and regardless of what's in the actual report, Trump allies are over the moon and ready to move on to the important business of putting Hillary Clinton in jail forever. Let's watch the Premature Victory Parade!

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Cool Mueller Letter From Guy Hired To Exonerate Trump, Now GIVE US THE F*CKING REPORT

It's time for another round of "Goofus and Gallant," starring the New York Times and the Washington Post! See if you can guess who is who.

One of those is more correcter than the other! So yes, of course, the New York Times is Goofus, because it always is. But wait, what is this, a twist in the plot?

OH MY GOD, THEY BOTH WENT FULL GOOFUS. YOU NEVER GO FULL GOOFUS.

It might seem like quibbling, but it isn't. Attorney General William Barr sent a brief letter to Congress Sunday explaining that he had read all the pages of Robert Mueller's long report, and that it determined beyond a shadow of a doubt -- as we knew, from Mueller's indictments -- that the Russian government engaged in a concerted campaign to hack the election to hurt Hillary Clinton. However Barr reports -- not Mueller, Barr -- NO COLLUSION by any members of the Trump campaign or by the president himself (at least not "knowingly"). The letter says Mueller recommended no more indictments, and that there are no more sealed indictments, but doesn't say Mueller didn't kick anything to other jurisdictions that we don't yet know about. Finally, Barr writes that Mueller presented evidence on both sides of the question of whether Trump committed obstruction of justice, but came to no conclusion, therefore he was not accusing the president of a crime, but he wasn't exonerating him either. But Barr -- we guess because of his professional expertise in covering up Iran-Contra -- was able to determine that also NO OBSTRUCTION, therefore story over, the end, do not pass go, Rachel Maddow must now go to jail!

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Guns

Sandy Hook, Parkland Still Claiming Lives

1-800-273-8255 or suicidepreventionlifeline.org. Keep them handy.

The mass murders at Sandy Hook Elementary in Newtown, Connecticut, and at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida, are still killing people. Two survivors of Parkland killed themselves in the past week, and this morning, the body of the father of one of the Sandy Hook children was found in Newtown. And something like 35,800 guns will be sold today, if 2019 stats are comparable to 2018 sales figures. But cheer up -- without Barack Obama scaring everyone with his promise to take all the guns, that's down 16 percent from the highest gun sales in history in 2016. Then again, despite the lower gun sales, there were nearly 40,000 deaths caused with firearms in 2018. It was the third record year in a row. We're Number One.

The news has been just horrifying. On March 17, Sydney Aiello, 19, who'd been on campus at Stoneman Douglas the day of the 2018 massacre, killed herself. She'd been a close friend of one of the girls who died in the shooting, and had been diagnosed with PTSD, according to her mother. She had started college but found it hard to just to sit in classrooms because of her fears that a gunman might burst in. Then, this weekend, another Stoneman Douglas student, a male sophomore, as yet unidentified, killed himself -- like Ms. Aiello, with a gun.

Today, police in Newtown found the body of Jeremy Richman, a neuropharmacologist and the father of Avielle Richman, who was only 6 years old when she was one of the 20 children and six adults murdered at Sandy Hook in 2012. Richman and his wife, Jennifer Hensel, had founded a nonprofit to research the neurological problems that might lead to violent behavior. The foundation had an office in the complex where Richman's body was found. The couple were also among the Sandy Hook parents suing Alex Jones for spreading the false conspiracy theory that the Sandy Hook massacre was faked as part of a plot to take all the precious guns away.

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Courts

DOJ Exonerates Antifa! Thanks DOJ!

The end of another witch hunt!

The government earlier this month advised a federal judge that it was dropping its investigation into protests at Donald Trump's 2017 inauguration, and said it would no longer pursue any charges in the case. After arresting hundreds of people and accusing the whole lot of them with being violent nasty vandals, the Justice Department only managed to get 21 people to plead guilty, and didn't win a single conviction at trial. But it sure wasn't for lack of trying!

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Russia

Not So Fast, Wingers! There Are Still One Or A Thousand Pending Investigations.

Not for nothing, but this isn't over.

BREAKING! The guy who sent Trump a letter saying, "Presidents are kings who can't obstruct justice, hire me!" has found that the president didn't obstruct justice! Thanks, Bill Barr -- you're a hell of a wingman.

While we await the release of the REAL Mueller report, as opposed to the Barr whitewash letter, let's take a moment to remind ourselves that the president's legal troubles are in no way at an end. He might well get away with playing footsie with the Russians, winking and nodding about sanctions and gratefully accepting the massive electoral boost from Putin's pet hackers, but he's not getting away with all of it. So here's a helpful list of the pending legal threats to the Trumpland gangsters.

Keep reading... Show less
Science

Top Three Trump-Level Crazy Science Stories Of Last Month!

Science, you do fucking love it?

Guys!

Last

month

was

crazy!

First, NASA sent its last message to the Mars Opportunity rover! THEN scientists said that all the insects are dying but not the human-looking ones in the GOP. As if THAT wasn't enough, some brave pendejos with grandes cojones are going to try and get seafloor creatures from under a giant ice shelf in the ANTARCTIC!

So, yeah, all three of those stories happened last month. Let's cover each in a science lightning round.

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News

Judges Keep Slapping Down Poor Betsy DeVos!

Sad.

Education Secretary Betsy DeVos is terrible at her job. Her objectives and overall mission are evil, but if it's any consolation she can't effectively implement them. After buying her Cabinet position at Sotheby's, DeVos has spent the past two years trying to roll back Obama-era policies designed to protect and actually educate students. Unfortunately for her evil schemes, federal courts keep smacking down her slimy efforts. It's getting embarrassing.

DeVos recently had to cancel $150 million in student loan debt after courts said her attempts to stop the "borrow defense" regulations from taking effect were in fact illegal. Last week, she was forced to instruct colleges to follow the Obama rule barring mandatory arbitration agreements. She got kicked in the teeth earlier this month when a federal judge ruled she'd acted illegally ... again. This time, DeVos tried to delay an Obama-era guideline that required states to address racial disparities in their special education programs. Judge Tanya S. Chutkan called the delay "arbitrary" and "capricious."

The rule, drafted under the Individuals With Disabilities Education Act, would require states to identify districts with "significant disproportionality" in the number of minority students channeled into special education services, segregated in restrictive classroom settings or disciplined.

OK, so what was the "education" secretary's issue with this rule? We want to imagine there's some rationale we're not seeing and DeVos is more than just some yacht-collecting monster.

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Russia

What Part Of 'Does Not Exonerate' Don't Republicans Understand?

Any of it, Katie!

Now that William Barr has carefully explained that the Mueller report didn't find enough evidence to prosecute Donald Trump for conspiracy, Republicans are all about proclaiming the Trump 2020 campaign slogan: WELL SHORT OF A FELONY!! Also, please never mind that part where even Barr admitted the report doesn't exonerate Trump of obstruction of justice, because why would anyone care about any other crimes?

Of course, if you want to get all factual about it, not even Barr's letter says Mueller found no evidence of wrongdoing -- just that he couldn't make a criminal case that could be proven beyond a reasonable doubt, as Roll Call explains. Thin though that is, and regardless of what's in the actual report, Trump allies are over the moon and ready to move on to the important business of putting Hillary Clinton in jail forever. Let's watch the Premature Victory Parade!

Keep reading... Show less
Russia

Cool Mueller Letter From Guy Hired To Exonerate Trump, Now GIVE US THE F*CKING REPORT

All of it. Full stop. Right the fuck now.

It's time for another round of "Goofus and Gallant," starring the New York Times and the Washington Post! See if you can guess who is who.

One of those is more correcter than the other! So yes, of course, the New York Times is Goofus, because it always is. But wait, what is this, a twist in the plot?

OH MY GOD, THEY BOTH WENT FULL GOOFUS. YOU NEVER GO FULL GOOFUS.

It might seem like quibbling, but it isn't. Attorney General William Barr sent a brief letter to Congress Sunday explaining that he had read all the pages of Robert Mueller's long report, and that it determined beyond a shadow of a doubt -- as we knew, from Mueller's indictments -- that the Russian government engaged in a concerted campaign to hack the election to hurt Hillary Clinton. However Barr reports -- not Mueller, Barr -- NO COLLUSION by any members of the Trump campaign or by the president himself (at least not "knowingly"). The letter says Mueller recommended no more indictments, and that there are no more sealed indictments, but doesn't say Mueller didn't kick anything to other jurisdictions that we don't yet know about. Finally, Barr writes that Mueller presented evidence on both sides of the question of whether Trump committed obstruction of justice, but came to no conclusion, therefore he was not accusing the president of a crime, but he wasn't exonerating him either. But Barr -- we guess because of his professional expertise in covering up Iran-Contra -- was able to determine that also NO OBSTRUCTION, therefore story over, the end, do not pass go, Rachel Maddow must now go to jail!

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popular

Catch Me, If You Can! Wonkagenda For Mon., March 25, 2019

Robert Mueller turned in his homework, and Trump World ate it. Your morning news brief.

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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News

Stop Fretting Over The Mueller Report And Have Some Nice Things!

An inspiring refugee kid, book chat, a nifty 1902 movie made in 'color,' and the inevitable reading recommendations!

Bet you guys could do with some nice things about now, huh? So let's take a break from the usual grind of horrors and nastiness and look at some less miserable stuff for a while, shall we? Oh indeed we shall.

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popular

Forced Birth Enthusiasts Claim Vaccines Are Immunizing Us All To Their Prayers

Well, it's just science.

I don't quite know how to tell you this, but a group of anti-abortion lunatics are currently urging people to stop immunizing their children on account of the fact that they believe that because some vaccines were made using cell lines from two aborted fetuses back in the 1960s, said vaccines are not only immunizing the world against disease, but against their prayers as well. They claim that were it not for these vaccines unfairly intervening with their plans, they would have overturned Roe v. Wade by now.

The group calls themselves Intercessors for America, and their whole deal is basically that they think prayers are literal magic and that if they pray super hard for leaders to do what they want, all of their wishes will come true. They send out a newsletter filled with extremely specific prayers for various politicians based on what they are doing that day and also have an "interactive prayer wall" on their site, which is actually just a Facebook comment section of some kind where a bunch of people are posting their prayers.

No, I did not press send. Though I was tempted.

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Guns

Oh, Fun: Research Says Mass Shootings Make Insecure Dopes Feel 'Empowered' By Guns

Obvious, but also horrifying.

Have you ever looked at a person armed to the hilt with assault rifles, yelling about how the Second Amendment gives them the right to overthrow the government or posing sexily with a gun shoved down their pants and thought "Wow! What a fabulously secure individual!" Probably not. And according to a new study, your instincts there would be correct.

According to new research published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, people who feel "disempowered" are likely to respond to a mass shooting by feeling more willing to shoot someone themselves and more likely to express violent ideas after hearing about one.

This seems like it might be a pretty dangerous phenomenon that could lead to some pretty bad stuff. It also explains why obviously insecure people always respond to mass shootings by saying "No, we actually need more guns."

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popular

​Georgia On My ​Uterus: State Becomes Seventh This Year To Pretty Much Ban Abortion

Well that's just peachy.

Before I start in on this one, I'd like you all to take a moment and consider the last time someone smugly told you (or perhaps the last time you, yourself, smugly said) "They're not ever actually going to make abortion illegal, you know."

Oh, we've been told this for lots of reasons. Because it would never get through the Supreme Court, because if they outlawed abortion, Republicans wouldn't have anything left to run on. As an excuse to not make being pro-choice a "litmus test" for Democrats running for office. As a reason for why it's not worth worrying our pretty little heads about things so much and take things so seriously. As someone's bad excuse for how they can be "pro-choice" but vote Republican anyway.

Well. Here we are, in March of 2019 and as of yesterday, seven states have passed laws effectively banning abortion. Yesterday, Georgia became the latest state to do so, with its Senate passing a bill backed by Gov. Brian Kemp that would outlaw abortions after six weeks. Mississippi did it the day before. And before that, Arkansas, Tennessee, Ohio, Missouri, Kentucky all passed similar bills.

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popular

Your Weekly Top Ten Is PRESIDENT OF PRESCHOOL

YOU COME READ YOUR TOP TEN STORIES RIGHT NOW!

As usual, when we say "your weekly top ten" with that kind of headline, we are talking about Wonkette Toddler, can you believe she is in preschool now? She is like a full grown adult, with an emphasis on learning shapes, because we guess the other three to five year olds still need to do that!

Anyway, it is time for your top ten list, where we count down the top ten stories and you give us money, because we are fully 100 percent reader-supported and cannot keep the lights on without you. You should probably do that first, to get it out of the way.

All done? Hooray!

Shall we count down the top ten stories? Yes, we shall.

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Russia

BREAKING: ROBERT MUELLER DID THE THING

ACCORDING TO SOURCES, IT WAS DEFINITELY A THING.

BREAKING ACHTUNG EVERYBODY CRY AND PANIC AND HAVE ROLLICKING SEXUAL INTERCOURSE, BECAUSE ROBERT MUELLER DID THE THING.

We don't know what the thing means yet, but we know that he gave the thing to Attorney General Bill Barr, who is presumably looking at the thing right now. Donald Trump is at Mar-a-Lago, so he does not have the thing, because NO THING FOR ILLEGITIMATE PRESIDENTS. Studies show that according to sources close to the investigation who may or may not be close to the investigation, we might have some real information on what is inside the thing sometime this weekend.

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News

TFW You're Trying To Give Kim Jong Un A Reacharound But Mnuchin Won't Get Off Your Jock

Just another Foreign Policy Friday, brought to you by the Underpants King of Mar-a-Lago!

Whatcha doin' down there at Mar-a-Lago, Mister Normal President Of America?

OK ... huh?

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