Supreme Court To Trump: You Are So Screwed, Eventually!

Finally, it's here! At long last, the Supreme Court has issued a ruling in the Trump tax cases. Chief Justice John Roberts, Kegstand, and Gorsuch joined the four liberal justices in two 7-2 decisions. Hooray! We must have won, right?

Well ... that depends.

If your definition of a "win" is preserving a legal system where the president is not above the law, then yes, we won. If you were hoping that before the election we'd get to see whatever it is that Trump has been fighting so hard to keep hidden, not so much. On the plus side, Trump's chances of retaining the White House look worse by the day, and the court just enshrined protections for a future President Biden (God willing!) against harassment by a future Republican Congress (God forbid!). And that's a really fucking good thing!

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Trump Can't Always Get What He Wants, Not Even From Gorsuch And Kegstand :(

The Supreme Court just dropped its season finale rulings in the cases we had been most anticipating, on Donald Trump's taxes and financials, and we are going to call them WINS. Why? Well for one thing, because they are. Also, Trump seems to know he lost, because he sure is rage-screaming!

We screengrabbed this one because GOT CAIGHT is our new favorite presidential typo:

The full, reposted thread is here. There were also these:

You hate to see it.

However, don't pop the champagne just yet, because we probably won't be reading Trump's taxes and financials on the internet anytime soon, at least not before the election.

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Tucker Carlson Has 14 Words For Tammy Duckworth

Tucker Carlson devoted chunks of his Fox News Paranoia Hour Monday and Tuesday night to accusing Sen. Tammy Duckworth (D-Illinois) of all sorts of terrible things: hating America, wanting to tear down all statues of George Washington, and of course wanting to impose socialist totalitarianism, after which she'll no doubt take away your MyPillows, too. It's the usual bullshit from Carlson and Fox, but before we get into it, we really need to lay out a tasty truth sandwich for you, to make clear just how unhinged and substance-free Tucker's Two Nights Hate really was. Like, even less substantial than usual.

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When Trump And Fox News Love Each Other Very Much, Sometimes They Lie Down Together And ...

Yesterday was weird. (Evergreen statement!)

Donald Trump HEREBY ANNOUNCED early in the morning on Twitter that he was very mad at the CDC's recommendations for how schools across America should handle the question of reopening. This came after a Tuesday event when he was very insistent that the kids must go back to school NOW RIGHT NOW, and if a few kindergarten teachers keel over dead, well, they probably forgot to take their hydroxychloroquine that morning.

And then in the afternoon, unbelievably but not unbelievably, the CDC announced through Mike Pence — sure, why not! — that it would be changing its school reopening recs, to lighten them up and make sure the schools don't do anything CRAZY like stay closed, which could hurt Trump's chances at re-election. We guess the only thing worse than a kid dying of coronavirus is a kid who dies of coronavirus in a world where Donald Trump is not president.

It got us to wonderin', as we are wont to do, what might have happened in the 24 hours leading up to Pence's announcement and the CDC's abrupt change. Did the president read a new scholarly article that strongly suggested the CDC was overreacting? Yes, that's what happened, the president read something.

Or maybe he just watched a shitload of Fox News, like he always does.

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Grown-Ass President Wants A Cookie For Wearing A Mask In Public

Trump manages to put on mask without strangling himself, so where’s his Nobel Prize?

Donald Trump finally wore a mask in public Saturday during a visit with wounded service members at Walter Reed National Military Medical Center. He said it “wasn't hard” -- yeah, that's a real quote -- and the average 10-year-old who wears a mask without complaint would agree.

From CNN:

"I'll probably have a mask if you must know. I'll probably have a mask. I think when you're in a hospital especially in that particular setting, where you are talking to a lot of soldiers, people that in some cases just got off the operating table. I think it's a great thing to wear a mask. I've never been against masks but I do believe they have a time and a place," Trump told reporters ahead of his visit.

Joe Biden's spokesman Andrew Bates correctly pointed out that Trump has whined like a baby for months about masks.

BATES: Donald Trump spent months ignoring the advice of medical experts and politicizing wearing a mask, one of the most important things we can do to prevent the spread of the virus. Rather than taking responsibility and leading, he wasted four months that Americans have been making sacrifices by stoking divisions and actively discouraging people from taking a very basic step to protect each other.

First Lady Melania Trump released a hostage video PSA urging people to wear masks in April. Trump continued to have his face hanging out during his coronavirus task force briefings. He accused a reporter of being “politically correct" because he wouldn't take off his mask while speaking into a dirty ass microphone. Trump's Disney villain sidekick, White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany, said it was “peculiar" that Biden didn't wear a mask at home, where he's in quarantine, but wears one outside, where random people roam around. She's an idiot.

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Cops Behaving Badly

Fired North Carolina Cop Explains That His Super Racist Comments Were Actually His Religious Beliefs

Well that's certainly a familiar refrain.

James "Brian" Gilmore, one of the officers fired from the Wilmington, North Carolina police force this June for making some absurdly racist statements about the Black Lives Matter protests, is claiming that the racist things he was recorded saying were not in fact racist, but rather an expression of his religious beliefs.


In a letter written to the Wilmington Civil Service Board, Gilmore explained that he believes he should not have been fired, because his comments were not motivated by racism, but rather by his personal religious beliefs about idolatry. His concern, he explains, was that people he did not know in videos he saw on the internet were violating the tenets of his religion by "worshiping" black people. The letter did not mention the statements from the other officers, which included such gems as "we are just going to go out and start slaughtering them (racial slurs)."

Below are the comments that got Gilmore canned, via Port City Daily:

Gilmore, who had parked beside [Piner's] patrol car, said the department was only concerned with "kneeling down with the black folks," according to a report summarizing the internal investigation in explicit detail. During a May 31 protest that resulted in multiple rounds of tear gas, stun grenades, and rubber bullets fired almost entirely by deputies from the New Hanover and Brunswick Sheriff's offices, WPD officers were applauded for kneeling with protestors.

Gilmore then said he watched a video posted on social media showing white people bowing down on their knees and "worshipping blacks."

"How many times have I told you it's almost like they think they're their own god?" Gilmore asks Piner.
He then tells Piner about another video he had seen where a "fine-looking white girl and this punk little pretty boy bowing down and kissing their toes."
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Trump Commutes Sentence Of Super Best Friend Roger Stone

When you're best buds with the President, you can do all the crimes you want.

We have officially reached the point in this simulation where our absolute caricature of a corrupt president has commuted the prison sentence of his buddy, the actual personification of a cartoon villain.

And I would just like to say to the demon in charge that WE FUCKING SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING, MICHAEL.

Late last night, the White House made a shocking statement that surprised absolutely no one: Trump had ensured that his best crime-buddy, Roger Stone, would not be going to prison for his crimes.

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