Matt Gaetz Allegedly Snorted Coke With Escort On County Payroll, Very Classy If True!

Did Matt Gaetz snort coke with a prostitute in a hotel room paid for with campaign dollars? Dunno! But it's a safe bet federal investigators have a pretty good idea. And maybe the rest of us will get the deets soon, since Matt Gaetz's former wingman Joel Greenberg is pleading guilty in a Florida courtroom this morning.

The latest PeenerGaetz update from the Daily Beast's Jose Pagliery and Roger Sollenberger has got us no closer to understanding what exactly an "amateur Instagram model" does at work — sounds kind of porny, maybe! But they did supply us with a shitload of salacious details about "paid escort and amateur Instagram model" Megan Zalonka and her relationship with Greenberg and Gaetz, so we'll forgive the omission.

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Montana GOP AG Still Wants To Pin ‘Sex Offender’ Label On Man Jailed For Gay Sex

Randall Menges has had to live as a registered sex offender for more than 20 years. The status has cost him jobs and friendships. He's even considered suicide. You're probably tempted to assume Menges deserves his fate. After all, sex offenders are terrible people who exploit minors and sometimes willingly associate with Matt Gaetz. However, Menges's situation is more complicated.

In 1993, when he was 18, Menges had consensual sex with two other teenage boys at a camp in Idaho. It was like that one time at band camp, and the gayness was apparently the only “crime."

From the New York Times:

In 1993, Mr. Menges was living in a foster program at a ranch in Gem County and stayed on as an employee when he turned 18. Two months later, the police learned that he had had sex with two other teenagers, both 16, at the ranch. The age of consent in the state was 16.

State prosecutors charged Menges with "crimes against nature," an over-the-top term for engaging in sodomy and oral sex. The Supreme Court ruled sodomy laws unconstitutional in 2003, but Menges was sentenced to seven years in prison. Once he was released, he was placed on the sex offender registry in Idaho and Montana, where he eventually moved.

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Scott Baio Not Charles In Charge Of Knowing What A Publicly Traded Company Is

Well, it was just a very wild weekend for 1980s "Teen Bop" centerfolds turned sad right-wing shills. After Ricky Schroder, the "Silver Spoons" kid, made an ass out of himself by sharing a video of himself on Facebook berating a Costco employee for saying he had to wear a mask in the store just because it was the law in California, Scott Baio, TV's Chachi/Charles in Charge swooped in and came to his defense.

Baio, who played lawyer Bob Loblaw on "Arrested Development," tweeted, "The Costco manager/employee said 'it's a law to wear the mask' IT IS NOT A LAW. IT IS A MANDATE FROM THE DICTATORS!", as if to suggest it was therefore unenforceable and the employee was in the wrong for not allowing Schroder in.

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Marjorie Taylor Greene Stalking Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Is Big Inconvenience For Meghan McCain

Marjorie Taylor Greene, who's somehow a member of Congress, obsessively stalks and harasses Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, but apparently the true victim here is ... Meghan McCain. "The View" host — a relative of late Senator John McCain, we think? — shared her frustration with Greene's antics last week on Twitter.

Twitter

McCain said:

You're behaving like an animal — harassing @AOC like this only gives democrats what they want which is to paint all of us like we're psychotic barbarians! Aside from the fact that this is just abusive and abhorrent behavior from anyone, let alone a sitting member of Congress.
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POTUS

Biden Issues Presidential Proclamation, It Is VROOM VROOM BEEP BEEP!

Better than anything the last loser ever said.

Joe Biden is the president of the United States, and he is such a self-proclaimed "car guy" that The Onion has been making gabillions of dollars selling shirtless posters of him washing his Trans Am for years. (Shut up, Wonkette, we don't know how The Onion makes its money.)

And that guy went to Michigan today to tell the American people that fuck you, shut up, don't tell me I can't drive anymore just because I'm the president, you shut your mouth with that malarkey, I'll fuck you up, VROOM VROOM BEEP BEEP, God bless America. (OK, maybe that is neither an exact quote nor a presidential proclamation. But it should be.)

Look at this guy test-driving the new electric Ford F-150.

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2022 midterms

Rep. Val Demings Ready To Beat Marco Rubio With His Own Water Bottle

BRING IT ON.

Look out, Lil' Marco! Drink your water fast, because Sheriff Demings is coming to arrest your sorry behind.

Well, probably not literally. But this morning, Orlando Rep. Val Demings all but confirmed that she's running for the US Senate in 2022 to put Marco Rubio out of Florida's misery.

Good luck running the RADICAL SOCIALISTS DEFUNDING COPS play on a 27-year law enforcement veteran who was the first woman to head the Orlando Police Department. But no one has ever accused Marco Rubio of being a fast learner.

"While Democrats are flailing to find their next candidate to advance their radical agenda, Senator Rubio is focused on delivering wins for the people of Florida," his spokesman huffed in response to Demings's announcement.

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justice department

Why Was Bill Barr's DOJ Fighting Devin Nunes's Barnyard Cow Battles For Him?

You know why.

What if we told you the Trump Justice Department, under the leadership of Bill "Dumpy Roy Cohn" Barr, used good time and resources to go after and try to "unmask" a fake Twitter account that hurt GOP Rep. Devin Nunes's feelings? That's right, it's not just about the congressman filing lawsuits against imaginary cows, this was OFFICIAL BSNS.

In case you did not just hear us, we just said THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION USED THE FORCE OF BILL BARR'S JUSTICE DEPARTMENT TO TRY TO UNMASK A FAKE TWITTER ACCOUNT FOR HURTING DEVIN NUNES'S FEELINGS. Was this at Devin Nunes's direct behest, or ... who? Who wanted this? WHO?

Or should we say ... moo?

You know, because unmasking is BAD when it involves Obama administration officials catching Trump associates doing improper things with Russian officials and spies, but it is GOOD when it's getting to the bottom of which Twitter accounts are making Devin feel like less of a man that day.

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