BREAKING: The Absolutely FILTHY Investigation Into The Trump Russia Investigation Filthier Than We Ever Knew!

BREAKING: John Durham and Bill Barr are some of the corruptest sumbitches ever to wander the streets of DC. Must credit Wonkette!

LOL, and also holy shit! The New York Times has a story (Wonkette gift link) on the brazen corruption baked in to the appointment of Special Counsel John Durham to INVESTIGATE THE INVESTIGATORS and browned to crispy, golden perfection as the two tried every which way to prove that the inquiry into the Trump campaign's ties to Russia was somehow inappropriate and illegal.

"[T]he main thrust of the Durham inquiry was marked by some of the very same flaws — including a strained justification for opening it and its role in fueling partisan conspiracy theories that would never be charged in court — that Trump allies claim characterized the Russia investigation," writes the New York Times, in what has to be the understatement of the year. In fact, the Durham investigation was an uncanny mirror of every corrupt thing Trump and his allies accused the FBI of doing. Because if there's one thing we've learned in the past seven years, it's that every single Trump accusation is a confession — or at least an announcement of crimes they intend to commit real soon.

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Civil Rights Lawyer Ben Crump Might Take Ron DeSantis To AP 'Sue Your Ass' Class Over Black History Course

Florida Republican Gov. Ron DeSantis is getting significant pushback for his administration's rejection last week of an Advanced Placement course in African American studies. Yesterday, African American state lawmakers, educators, and others rallied in the Florida Capitol in Tallahassee to call for the AP course to be offered in Florida high schools. Civil rights attorney Benjamin Crump said at the rally that if DeSantis refuses to make the class available, Crump will sue the state on the behalf of three high school honors students from Leon County who want to take the course.

“If the governor allows the College Board to present AP African American studies in classrooms across the state of Florida, then we will feel no need to file this historic lawsuit,” Crump told reporters at the Capitol. “However, if he rejects the free flow of ideas and suppresses African American studies, then we’re prepared to take this controversy all the way to the United States Supreme Court.”

It's just the latest effort to fight back against DeSantis's ongoing agenda of using culture war issues to build rightwing support nationwide as he plans a likely 2024 presidential run. DeSantis has claimed that the AP course, currently being taught as a pilot before being rolled out nationwide, is tainted by unnecessary political elements like queer theory, because no Black people have ever been LGBTQ as long as you exclude Audre Lorde, James Baldwin, Bayard Rustin, and others who were not Martin Luther King, the only Black leader DeSantis pretends to admire.

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Are You Dying From The COVID-19 Vaccine? Sure, We All Are.

The anti-COVID-19 vaccine "documentary" Died Suddenly features a clip of Austrian Broadcasting Corporation reporter Rosa Lyon collapsing on live TV. She was apparently yet another victim of that deadly vaccine. Dr. Anthony Fauci, Bill Gates, and Hitler's cousin's nephew say the vaccine is safe, but what they can’t deny is that everyone who's been vaccinated will eventually die.

An Instagram user shared the clip with the dire warning, "THEY'RE DROPPING LIKE FLIES." Another user claimed that the video proved Lyon had suffered from “VAIDS,” short for “vaccine acquired immunodeficiency syndrome.”That sounds scary, but fortunately, "VAIDS" is not a real condition. It's more like the "Boogie Woogie Flu," but not as catchy.

Lyon is still alive. She just fainted. Also, the video was from 2019, which is two years before they approved the COVID-19 vaccine, a modern miracle this confederacy of dunces has rejected.

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Booby Magazines Discovered In Mike Pence's Room, Haha JK It Was Classified Documents

We are guessing everybody who has ever served as president or vice president or official White House balloon animal clown is checking their house right now to make sure they don't have any classified shit.

Mike Pence's lawyers found about a dozen classified shits at his house in Carmel, Indiana, last week. Gave 'em to the FBI. CNN notes that Pence has been saying a whole bunch that he doesn't have any classified documents. Some things he's said in the recent past about taking classified documents:

  • "No, not to my knowledge."
  • "I did not."
  • “Well, there’d be no reason to have classified documents, particularly if they were in an unprotected area."

Guess he did. And guess new House Oversight Committee Chair James Comer might have been a wee bit wrong when he explained Mike Pence is no common evil Joe Biden because Joe Biden is a big common evil liar.

Not sure what they were. Maybe classified secrets for how to escape if you accidentally end up in a room alone with a woman who isn't your wife, whom you call "Mother,"

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Recipe Hub

Welcome To Wonkette Happy Hour, With This Week's Cocktail, The Sazerac!

You shouldn't wait until Mardi Gras to visit Nawlins.

Greetings, Wonketeers! I’m Hooper, your bartender. I lucked into a really nice bottle this week. It’s not easy to get Sazerac Rye here in Ohio, so I leapt at the chance to scoop this one up. Now that I have it, I thought I’d share the classic New Orleans cocktail that carries the same name as the whiskey. Laissez le bon temps rouler, we’re making a Sazerac. Here’s the recipe:

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Congressional Florida Man Gives Out Dummy Grenades To Fellow Republican Dummies

Okay cool.

Rep. Cory Mills (R-Florida), one of the fun new Trump-endorsed members of Congress who actually won in the midterms, did his best to make a memorable impression on his new colleagues by handing out grenades (the kind fired by a grenade launcher, not the kind you throw) to other members of Congress, along with a note saying that the grenades were products of the Sunshine and Bath Salts State. It was just his way of saying how pleased he was to be on the House Armed Services Committee, you see.

Nothing to fear, kids; the letter noted that the grenades were inert, much like Kevin McCarthy's future. (Haha, we added that.) You know, just in case the GOP elephant logo printed on the grenades didn't make that clear.

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PSA: Tylenol Does Not Cause Autism (Or ADHD)

Advertisements for a class action lawsuit are taking over social media.

"Was your child diagnosed with autism? Did you take Acetaminophen during pregnancy?"

These are the questions asked in an advertisement that has been making the rounds on social media for the past few weeks, encouraging parents of autistic children to join a class action lawsuit against Tylenol, citing "studies" that found a link between autism and ADHD and acetaminophen.

Social media ad: Taking acetaminophen during pregnancy has been related to autism. Was your child diagnosed with autism? Did you take Acetaminophen during pregnancy? Learn more with a free case evaluation

It will probably not surprise you, however, to find that while these studies were widely reported a few years back, they did not actually prove that taking Tylenol during pregnancy could cause autism or ADHD. There were correlations, but these correlations largely only exist because Tylenol is the only pain medication that pregnant people can take, so of course some people who took Tylenol while pregnant ended up having children with autism or ADHD. It's literally just a numbers game.

This is like saying that only three percent of children with autism or ADHD have blonde hair without acknowledging the fact that only three percent of all human beings have blonde hair.

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