DONALD TRUMP DOES NOT NEED A BABYSITTER YOU NEED A BABYSITTER

Donald Trump is spectacularly mad about a Fake News, everyone.

It was reported earlier this week that because of That Thing That Happened -- you know, when he had dinner with the literal Nazi and the other literal Nazi and oh my goodness, we imagine Wonkette will have some Updates On All That later today! -- they would be beefing up security procedures at Mar-a-Lago and giving Trump a personal babysitter from the campaign to make sure bad things do not happen again.

You know how it is. You're just hanging out at your south Florida trash palace pissing your pants about new special counsel, and before you know it, there's all these Nazis at your poolside dinner table saying things like "Please pass the wall ketchup" and "Awwww, look at Eric in his floaties!"

Trump Gets Round-The-Clock Babysitters To Make Sure He Doesn't Invite Any More Nazis To Dinner

Trump Seems Terrified Of New Special Counsel, Happy Holidays, MFer!

Kanye Goes Too Nazi For Alex Jones, So That Happened

Trump needs a babysitter, because he cannot possibly be trusted to make dinnertime decisions for himself. As he said on Fox News the other day, it's a damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don't situation, deciding whether or not to have dinner with Kanye and pals. "If you see him, the fake news media will create a problem," he said. "If you don’t see him, the fake news media will claim I’m a racist." Yes, he's worried the fake news will cancel him for racism, for refusing to dine with Kanye West.

But anyway, the point is that NONE OF THIS IS TRUE and WEAK AND DISCREDITED ASSOCIATED PRESS and FAKE NEWS.

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Uh Oh, Florida Didn't Mean To Ban Chanukah From Schools! They Were Targeting Entirely Different Minorities!

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis's "Don't Say Gay" and "No CRT" bills are working out exactly as planned — which is to say that schools are now censoring minority viewpoints to comply with a deliberately vague statute imposing onerous penalties for running afoul of it. Great job, Ron!

Florida Politics reports that New Port Richey parent Rachel Long, who has made annual Chanukah presentations in each of her children's classrooms, was initially rebuffed this year because Pasco County Schools were trying to comply with the so-called "Parents Bill of Rights Law."

“As per discussions with the team and Admin, the new Parent Bill of Rights (sic) obligates us to follow the 5th Grade Standards as written,” the teacher told Long. “At this time, a Chanukah presentation is not in our standards.”

Later, the principal explained that if they let Jews talk about their holidays, they'd have to talk about Kwanzaa and Diwali, and you know we can't have that!

To which Long replied: "Then, I assume, no Christmas activities will be done?”

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Elon Musk Offers To Take Morning Off From Sh*tposting To Put Chip In Your Brain

Good morning! Elon Musk wants to surgically implant an iPhone in your brain.

Hey, wait! Where are you going? This is going to be the best thing since sliced Wonder Bread. Would Uncle Elon ever steer you wrong?

Yesterday the tech CEO hosted a "show and tell" event at the headquarters of his Neuralink company. He assembled the crowd to tout plans to seek FDA approval to implant microchips in the brains of IRL human beings within the next six months, based on supposed success in monkeys. Because who wouldn't want to get brain surgery after watching a primate playing pong using only the power of its brain?

Behold the future!


Hello, world!Screengrab CNET livestream


Electrodes you can tape to your head so you can "think" text into your computer tower will surely top everyone's Christmas list!

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OF COURSE Marjorie Taylor Greene Denounces Nick Fuentes. OF COURSE.

Here is a video of Marjorie Taylor Greene condemning Nick Fuentes for being a disgusting incel Nazi.


We guess she is just keeping her friends close and her enemies even closer.

Anyway, HAHA, just kidding. That was not Greene denouncing Fuentes. That is her being all chummy with Fuentes during the same year we are in right now. More on that in a second.

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popular

Wonkette Movie Night: Dr. Strangelove

Protect your precious bodily fluids!

Dr. Strangelove is available to stream on Amazon prime for $2.99. Enjoy!

Religion

'Alpha Male' Revives Six-Year-Old Starbucks Boycott In Bid To Win War On Christmas

They've already lost.

Hey! So, remember all the way back in 2016 when then-unknown internet evangelist/complete Joshua Feuerstein went on a rant on Facebook about how Starbucks was attacking Christianity because the plain red holiday cups they came out with that year were not sufficiently festive? And how rather than call for a boycott, Feuerstein went the traditional right-wing route of actually encouraging his followers to go out and buy Starbucks ... and then "trick" the baristas into being forced to wish them a Merry Christmas by telling them that their name is Merry Christmas so they would write it on the cup?

Well, some other dude is stealing his schtick now. Nick Adams, whose whole deal is loving Donald Trump, claiming to be an alpha male and encouraging parents to take their children to Hooters (while of course being very upset about how drag queen brunches supposedly "sexualize" children), is now calling for a boycott of Starbucks over the plain red cups that they actually do not have this year.

I cannot wrap my head around the fact that this is somehow not a parody. And a poorly done parody at that!

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The Internet

Evil Conspiracy Violated James Woods' Right To Put Hunter Biden's Dick On Twitter

Do we even HAVE free speech in this country?

For the past couple years, there has been a certain contingent of people who have really, truly believed in their heart of hearts that the Hunter Biden laptop story was the ultimate gotcha — the ultimate proof of an unfair conspiracy between Democratic elites and big tech to secure the election for Joe Biden by "censoring" the New York Post's story on Twitter and Facebook just because it had not yet been confirmed to be true.

The whole drama was ridiculous to begin with. At the time made absolute sense to hold off on a story like that for a variety of reasons — to this day, there are questions about the reliability of the laptop's chain of custody, whether people who were not Hunter Biden could have slipped things in there, etc. etc. That being said, it has been thoroughly searched and nothing on it was found to implicate Joe Biden in anything illegal or untoward. The story was supposed to be that Hunter Biden "leveraged" his father's name to earn more money at his job and promised meetings with him to his Burisma business partners, but there's no evidence that Joe Biden actually ever did meet with them. The most anyone ever even alleged was that he briefly stopped by a dinner that was possibly also attended by Burisma advisor Vadym Pozharsky, though no one remembers Pozharsky being there.

The big, controversial things on the laptop that were provably true were largely nude pictures of Hunter Biden smoking crack — which he had already admitted to doing. I don't personally know why anyone would have a laptop full of pictures of themselves smoking crack in the nude, but to each their own.

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