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The 'God's Not Dead' People Made A Movie About Abortion, And Boy Is It Ever Full Of Lies.

In no way should this surprise you.

The producers of your favorite live-action Jack Chick pamphlet, "God's Not Dead" -- you know, the one where the Hercules dude plays an evil philosophy professor who tells all of his students on the first day that they are no longer allowed to believe in god? As all secular professors do? -- have come out with a thrilling new movie, all about how abortion is bad or whatever.

The movie tells the "true" story of Abby Johnson, a former Planned Parenthood clinic worker turned professional anti-choicer. Johnson has been a darling of the forced birth circuit ever since she made up ridiculous and provably false reasons for quitting the Planned Parenthood that was about to fire her for being bad at her job.

Basically, she claims that Planned Parenthood was pushing her to make more abortions happen so they could reel in more dough, and also that she witnessed (for the first time ever!) an ultrasound-guided abortion and saw the baby move from the light and then immediately realized that what she was doing was wrong.

The thing is, however -- no ultrasound-guided abortions were performed on the day she said it happened, and the only reason there was an uptick in abortions at her clinic was because they started offering the abortion pill on a daily basis (and had previously only been performing surgical abortions every other Saturday).

As you may have guessed, the movie does not address any of these things. It also looks very, very bad.

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RBG Went To Work Yesterday, But That Won't Convince The Geniuses Who Think She Is Dead

And yes, it's a QAnon people thing.

Ever since Ruth Bader Ginsburg successfully underwent surgery for lung cancer, conservative sites and message boards have been trafficking in a ridiculous theory that she is actually dead and that there is some kind of Weekend at Bernie's-esque conspiracy to pretend she is still alive.

Now, one would think that her recent public appearance at a concert held in her honor would have put this to rest. Alas, it did not. Rather, the "researchers" (as they hilariously call themselves) determined that the concert was actually her funeral.

No. Really. That was a thing.

I admit that I gave this a lot more thought than I should have. Like, how did they think this would go? How long did they imagine this would go on for? Why would they risk having a full on funeral concert, open to the press? Wouldn't they just have not bothered to have a funeral at all? And what did these people think was going to happen when it was announced that she died for real? Or did they think that we were going to pretend that she is immortal and thus never announce her death? It's so confusing!

Being very up to date on the "RBG is secretly dead!" nonsense, I was very curious about which way the "anons" would go with this when they announced her return to work on Friday. They did not disappoint!

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Did Two Syphilitic Raccoons Just F*ck Each Other To Death In The Rose Garden, Or Was That Just Trump's Brain?

OMG everyone, Donald Trump has announced for the first time, after several months of sitting on his thumbs and whining, that there's a NATIONAL EMERGY at the border, so quick! Everybody wave your hands around like something is happening!

Trump, as expected, made the announcement in the Rose Garden this morning, because this is his only play left after Nancy Pelosi kicked his ass multiple times, he shut down the government for 35 days, and then even congressional Republicans told him to fuck off, because nobody cares about the hysterical hallucinations that emanate from the president's asshole and tell him he needs WALL. Will his NATIONAL EMERGY declaration work? Who knows, maybe, probably not. (Wonkette explored that here!)

But let us just say that Trump's news conference this morning was batshit, even for him. It was like two old raccoons with syphilis engaged in a mating dance to the death, except wait NOPE, that was just the president's brain, which seems more broken than usual today. Thank God he's flying to Mar-a-Lago this afternoon to get some rest, relaxation and tee time, you know, because that's what presidents do during NATIONAL EMERGIES.

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BREAKING: Trump Dumber Than Dry Dogsh*t, Jeff Sessions Racist As F*ck

Hola, Wonkers! It is time for more details from fired acting FBI director Andrew McCabe's very angry and wonderful book, The Threat: How The FBI Protects America In The Age Of Terror And Trump! We reminded you everything you need to remember about McCabe on Thursday, so we won't rehash it here. If you have forgotten already, you are very forgetful and you probably left your coffee pot on too when you left the house this morning, OH SHIT! (Relax. Unless your coffee pot was made during the Carter administration, it turns itself off.)

Anyway, let's look at the Washington Post review, which gives us yet another hilarious and horrifying example of how Donald Trump, the president of the United States, is both dumber than dogshit, and also clearly so far up Vladimir Putin's ass he's chewing on last night's borscht:

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Sports Shop Owner Kaepernicks Himself Right Out Of Business

Updated*

Hoisted by his own petard. This is a phrase that will come in handy in the near future when hordes of MAGA-Americans finally begin shedding their Trump-fueled psychosis, and start to take stock of the damage they have done to their own lives. For the last several years we have seen the Right engaged in games of brinkmanship, gaslighting, and the ever present and always pernicious "self owns to own the libs." That is what Stephen Martin did when he decided to rid himself of all Nike merchandise because the brand used former football player and current social justice and anti-police-violence activist Colin Kaepernick as the face of its "Just do it" campaign. In a series of wild and erratic moves that border on the ridiculous, Martin went from owner of "Prime Time Sports" and patriotic American to a sad and shameful self-owned spectacle. You see, Martin got it in his head that kneeling for the National Anthem is disrespectful to our flag and our soldiers, so when Nike hired Kaepernick, he went spiraling out of control like Michael Douglas in Falling Down. And it's all Nike's fault. Because.

Truthfully, kneeling doesn't disrespect the flag or veterans; it's the most respectful dissent possible. And before Kapaernick started kneeling -- when he was still sitting grumpily -- patriotic Americans demanded he be respectful ... and show his dissent by kneeling. Then Fox News happened. And Facebook too. And we all know what that inevitably leads to, right? Propaganda, Group-think, and something I like to call "The Patriotism of Fools" takes over the debate, leading folks to do wilder and wilder shit in the name of patriotism, until they ultimately flame out in an ugly and desperate way.

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popular

Aurora Shooter Had A History Of Violence Against Women, Because Of Course He Did.

What the hell was that guy doing with a gun?

Yesterday afternoon, 45-year-old Gary Martin of Aurora, Illinois was let go from his job at the Henry Pratt Company, a factory that manufactures water valves. In response, he took out a pistol with a laser scope and began shooting at random. He killed five people and injured six others who were just trying to make it through the day at the water valve factory, and then the police killed him.

His mother said he was "stressed out." He "seemed fine" according to the clerk at the Circle K where he bought his cigars that morning. His neighbor thought he was a nice guy. Some people were surprised, others were not.

This kind of thing used to be shocking, but it's a story we're used to now. It gets repeated at least once a month. It's just what happens now, and we can't do anything about it because we can't do anything about gun control. This is, the Right has decided, just the price we all have to pay so they can stockpile guns for funsies, and take sexy pictures of guns shoved in their pants. This is the blood that waters their special tree of liberty.

It's fucking exhausting. And stupid. We shouldn't have to live this way. No one should have to live this way. But we do. Why? Because some day some yahoos might want to overthrow the government, which is (of course) a completely legal thing to do, and their "right" to do that must be protected. So it's literally just never, ever going to stop.

Gary Martin, like most other mass shooters, also had a history of violence against women. In 1994, in Mississippi, he was convicted for stabbing one. He should not have been able to get a gun after that. I would like to know how and why he was able to get that pistol with the laser scope that he killed five people with yesterday afternoon. Maybe someone gave it to him. Maybe he bought it somehow. Maybe someone forgot to do a background check. Maybe he bought it from someone who didn't have to do a background check.

I am so goddamned tired of writing this article. I am out of things to say.

UPDATE:

Martin apparently bought the gun after successfully applying for an Illinois state Firearms ID. That license was revoked after he applied for a concealed carry license and was rejected due to his prior felony conviction in Mississippi, but no one bothered to see if he still had a gun.

Via USA Today:

"During the fingerprinting and background process it was discovered that he had a felony conviction for aggravated assault out of Mississippi," [Police Chief Kristen] Ziman said. "It should be noted that this conviction would not have shown up on a criminal background check conducted for an FOID card."

That seems like it might be a problem, no?

It has also since been revealed that Martin had a domestic battery arrest in 2008 in Aurora.

[Sun-Times]

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popular

Your Weekly Top Ten Is AT THE BEACH! The MEXICO BEACH!

YOU COME READ YOUR TOP TEN STORIES RIGHT NOW!

That's right, Wonkers, while we're all up here in America dealing with the terribleness, your Editrix and her fambly are in MEXICO AT THE BEACH, where they will probably stay for a little while longer or maybe they're never coming back SHRUGGIE EMOTICON. But that's OK, they deserve some time to be AT THE BEACH in MEXICO, oh no, don't get NATIONAL EMERGY CARAVANNED!

Yeah, so it's time to count down your top ten stories of the week, like we do on Saturday mornings. Shall we? WE SHALL.

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News

Trump Own Goals The Libs On Twitter. Again.

You're supposed to OWN the libs, IDIOT.

Donald Trump's day of abject failure continues apace!

After eating his own farts for almost an hour in the Rose Garden this morning, as he declared a NATIONAL EMERGY and then accidentally admitted in public that actually he didn't need to declare a NATIONAL EMERGY, Trump went back into the White House to, we guess, do more Executive Time. By the time you read this he may be wheels up to Mar-a-Lago -- where the real Executive Time happens, especially in times of crisis like the one he announced this morning -- but we guess he had some spare time this afternoon for Twitter.

So it was that he tweeted this VERY LEGAL AND VERY COOL video to OWN THE LIBS that somebody made for him. Now here's what we're gonna need you to do, if you're a lib. You're going to need to watch the video, and then cry a lot about how OWNED you are. If you are a conservative reading this, OMG THE MEXICAN CARAVANS ARE BEHIND YOU RIGHT NOW, HIDE UNDER THE TABLE!

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Mommyblogging

SOCIALISTS COMING FOR YOUR FAMILY VALUES, EVERYBODY PANIC!

Hey, what if we REALLY acted like children are the future?

We actually have a genuine Nice Time for you today -- none of that mixed-blessing stuff like a story of a good person who got horribly discriminated against but then had the last laugh. Nope, this is just a terrific idea about reshaping a part of the economy to fit human needs and make everyone's life better, except of course for the lives of greedheads, but they're all miserable anyway because of all the Greed.

The nonprofit People's Policy Project has a nifty proposal for a national family policy that would put economic equality behind the notion of "family values" and address the decidedly non-family-friendly realities of capitalism. They call the thing the "Family Fun Pack," and you better bet they're deliberately playing off the silly advertise-y tone of that slogan. Heck, why use that name for discount tickets to a water park when we could make actual families' lives better?

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Science

Chuck Schumer Going On Offense On Climate Change? Be Still Our Hearts!

Time for Republicans to decide whether science is real.

Yesterday, Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer welcomed Mitch McConnell's decision to bring the Green New Deal resolution to the floor for a vote, although Schumer noted that McConnell's intent was far from a good-faith effort to address climate change. On Tuesday, McConnell announced he wanted a vote on the resolution, hoping maybe such a vote would somehow reveal DEEP RIFTS among Senate Democrats, especially the thousand or so running for president. Schumer essentially said great, we know this can't pass in a Republican-controlled Senate, but we're happy to call your bluff, Mitch. Now, how about you guys get on the record that you reject the international scientific consensus that Earth is getting warmer, that humans are causing it, and that we need to take action?

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Hot Mess

Jeff Bezos's Dick: A Cautionary Tale

Seriously, boys, think with the big head!

What the hell is the richest man in the world doing with this pack of Jerry Springer rejects? We're just a simple East Coast elitist, but we cannot fathom why a guy who can buy a Renoir with his lunch money would get mixed up with the Trash Twins in this tabloid shit. But we do appreciate the break from President Sundowner and the downfall of democracy, so double glove it, kids -- WE'RE GOIN' IN!

Since Jeff Bezos dropped his Medium post accusing the National Enquirer of trying to sextort him, possibly at the behest of Saudi Arabia, the Amazon CEO has been largely silent. His girlfriend Lauren Sanchez has also had the sense to keep her mouth shut. But her brother, Trump-loving "talent" agent Michael Sanchez -- call now to book such luminaries as Carter Page and Scottie Nell Hughes! -- will not shut the fuck up.

According to Sanchez, Bezos has two trusted advisers: international security expert Gavin de Becker and ... Michael Sanchez, talent agent to the dopes! Because OBVIOUSLY. While de Becker counseled his client to use discretion to protect himself, Sanchez advocated playing ball with The Enquirer.

"Lauren calls it a cockfight," Sanchez told Vanity Fair's Gabe Sherman:

Over the last year, he said, he served as an unofficial adviser to the couple as they discussed what would happen if their love affair leaked. "They were talking marriage," he told me. "The three of us had discussed before that, at some point, this was going to be a scandal. My advice was, let's get to the other side. Our analogy was always that they were landing a 747. I told them, 'You're both pilots and you've never landed a 747, but that's what we're trying to do here.'"

Jeff Bezos is ... Ted Striker? And Lauren Sanchez is ... Elaine? OH NO, THEY'RE GONNA HAVE TO BLOW ROC!

Airplane 2 - She's gonna have to blow the computer. Guess what: the computer likes it! www.youtube.com

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Post-Racial America

Did Two Syphilitic Raccoons Just F*ck Each Other To Death In The Rose Garden, Or Was That Just Trump's Brain?

'I didn't need to do this,' said the president, about the NATIONAL EMERGY he just declared.

OMG everyone, Donald Trump has announced for the first time, after several months of sitting on his thumbs and whining, that there's a NATIONAL EMERGY at the border, so quick! Everybody wave your hands around like something is happening!

Trump, as expected, made the announcement in the Rose Garden this morning, because this is his only play left after Nancy Pelosi kicked his ass multiple times, he shut down the government for 35 days, and then even congressional Republicans told him to fuck off, because nobody cares about the hysterical hallucinations that emanate from the president's asshole and tell him he needs WALL. Will his NATIONAL EMERGY declaration work? Who knows, maybe, probably not. (Wonkette explored that here!)

But let us just say that Trump's news conference this morning was batshit, even for him. It was like two old raccoons with syphilis engaged in a mating dance to the death, except wait NOPE, that was just the president's brain, which seems more broken than usual today. Thank God he's flying to Mar-a-Lago this afternoon to get some rest, relaxation and tee time, you know, because that's what presidents do during NATIONAL EMERGIES.

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Elections

Howard Schultz, Who Everyone Hates, Promises He'll Drop Out If Dems Nominate 'Centrist' No One Will Like

What a venti-sized ass.

Howard Schultz has a challenge for Democrats worried that his vanity campaign for president might help re-elect Donald Trump. While visiting The Washington Post Thursday -- presumably because their office security is lax -- the former Starbucks CEO claims his potential candidacy is only viable if Democrats nominate some radical "far-left" Democrat so far outside the mainstream they might as well be Justin Trudeau. However, if Democrats are responsible and nominate a nice, squishy "moderate," that would change everything.

SCHULTZ: I would reassess the situation if the numbers change as a result of a centrist Democrat winning the nomination.

It's unclear how Schultz defines "centrist Democrat." The names Joe Biden and Mike Bloomberg, who isn't an actual Democrat, were mentioned, and they are certainly white men. MSNBC recently aired a graphic of "2020 Democrats To Watch" that were entirely white men, because that's obviously what this campaign is missing. But Schultz doesn't "see color," so we know he's only talking about policies. Based on his broadsides so far against Democrats, especially Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and Elizabeth Warren, his ideal "centrist" candidate would not raise taxes on "people of means" like himself, expand Medicare, or support the Green New Deal. So ... basically Mitt Romney. He wants us to nominate "varmint killer" Romney and then he promises to go away and count his money. When guys like Schultz say we need a "centrist Democratic nominee," they really just want a polite Republican.

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Post-Racial America

CAN HE DO THAT? A Wallsplainer!

Long story short ... eh?

YEAH, HE CAN PROBABLY DO IT. He's probably going to raid funds set aside for military construction and housing to build his stupid Fuck You Mexico monument. Our best hope is to tie this shit up in the courts until 2021, when we send his flabby ass packing off to Florida permanently, God willing and the crick don't rise. Sorry it's not better news.

OMG, What Is Even Happening?

Well, earlier this week, Congress hammered out a compromise budget and crossed their fingers hoping that Sean Hannity would sign off on it and not shut the government down again. Looks like that goat they sacrificed in the Senate cloakroom must have done the trick, because the government will remain open. But everything has a price, and President Couch Potato refused to sign unless Mitch McConnell agreed to support a national emergency declaration for WALL. So Yertle inched back to the Senate where he interrupted a pissed-off Chuck Grassley to announce the joyous news that their party had WON! Or, you know, "won." Not only did they get their budget blessed by the Dear Leader, they also were getting a shiny new usurpation of congressional authority, HOORAY! Literally no one was fooled -- they all knew McConnell had gotten played, and they were about to be yanked ever deeper into the cold abyss. Which is what happens when you lash your party to a giant sea demon racing toward the bottom of an ocean of corruption. You pays your money, and you takes your chances.

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Russia

BREAKING: Trump Dumber Than Dry Dogsh*t, Jeff Sessions Racist As F*ck

Yay, it's time for more pissed off Andy McCabe BOOK!

Hola, Wonkers! It is time for more details from fired acting FBI director Andrew McCabe's very angry and wonderful book, The Threat: How The FBI Protects America In The Age Of Terror And Trump! We reminded you everything you need to remember about McCabe on Thursday, so we won't rehash it here. If you have forgotten already, you are very forgetful and you probably left your coffee pot on too when you left the house this morning, OH SHIT! (Relax. Unless your coffee pot was made during the Carter administration, it turns itself off.)

Anyway, let's look at the Washington Post review, which gives us yet another hilarious and horrifying example of how Donald Trump, the president of the United States, is both dumber than dogshit, and also clearly so far up Vladimir Putin's ass he's chewing on last night's borscht:

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Healthcare

Montana's Medicaid Expansion Is Getting Weird

Something about Medicaid recipients being a lot like radishes. Wut?

In 2015, Montana legislators finally voted to accept the dirty federal money that came with Medicaid expansion. The program expanded in 2016 and has been a big success, with 95,000 people now getting healthcare who had previously gone without. However, because Montana Republicans are assholes for Jesus, there's a built-in time limit: The Medicaid expansion will expire June 30 unless the Lege votes to renew the program. That's inspired Montana Republicans to "improve" the state's Medicaid program by insisting any re-up of Medicaid add "work requirements," which are all the rage in wingnut-run states these days. To make sure people aren't slacking, poor Montanans would also have to pay higher premiums to even use Medicaid.

Oh, yes, and a George Washington University study released Wednesday estimated the combination of higher premiums and work requirements would kick between 31,000 and 43,000 low-income Montanans off Medicaid. That's one hell of a reform, eliminating a third to nearly half of the number who gained coverage just three years ago. But you see, Republicans are very worried that the poor may just stubbornly insist on not getting rich fast enough, so yanking healthcare away from tens of thousands of people will surely force them all to go get rich, which they would otherwise not care to do.

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Post-Racial America

Sports Shop Owner Kaepernicks Himself Right Out Of Business

Nike's a bitch.

Updated*

Hoisted by his own petard. This is a phrase that will come in handy in the near future when hordes of MAGA-Americans finally begin shedding their Trump-fueled psychosis, and start to take stock of the damage they have done to their own lives. For the last several years we have seen the Right engaged in games of brinkmanship, gaslighting, and the ever present and always pernicious "self owns to own the libs." That is what Stephen Martin did when he decided to rid himself of all Nike merchandise because the brand used former football player and current social justice and anti-police-violence activist Colin Kaepernick as the face of its "Just do it" campaign. In a series of wild and erratic moves that border on the ridiculous, Martin went from owner of "Prime Time Sports" and patriotic American to a sad and shameful self-owned spectacle. You see, Martin got it in his head that kneeling for the National Anthem is disrespectful to our flag and our soldiers, so when Nike hired Kaepernick, he went spiraling out of control like Michael Douglas in Falling Down. And it's all Nike's fault. Because.

Truthfully, kneeling doesn't disrespect the flag or veterans; it's the most respectful dissent possible. And before Kapaernick started kneeling -- when he was still sitting grumpily -- patriotic Americans demanded he be respectful ... and show his dissent by kneeling. Then Fox News happened. And Facebook too. And we all know what that inevitably leads to, right? Propaganda, Group-think, and something I like to call "The Patriotism of Fools" takes over the debate, leading folks to do wilder and wilder shit in the name of patriotism, until they ultimately flame out in an ugly and desperate way.

Keep reading... Show less
Trade War

EMERGENCY! ACHTUNG! Wonkagenda For Fri., Feb. 15, 2019

Trump to steal $8 billion for WALL, the TVA goes green, and Adam Schiff takes on Facebook's anti-vaxxer problem. Your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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SCOTUS

Checkmate, Libs: 7 Morons From Kansas Decide Gay People Are A Religion!

Which by their rules mean gay people can do ANYTHING? But ... not?

It has been over three-and-a-half years since the Supreme Court found, in Obergefell v. Hodges, that gay people have the right to marry. Most people who were opposed to this, we thought, have since gotten their divorces (because of how unspecial their marriages feel now) and moved on to yelling at trans people for going to the bathroom. And yet there are still a few holdouts, searching in the shadows for a perfect, unassailable legal argument that will reverse everything and make everything go back to the way it used to be. Back when they could look themselves in the mirror and say, "Look at you! You may not be smart, or funny, or talented in any way -- but you are legally better than an entire group of people! The law says you are special!"

Or, you know, whatever the hell is they got out of it, I don't know.

Anyway, some lawmakers in Kansas think they've finally created a bill with a genius legal argument that would not only allow them to ban same-sex marriage again, but also make it legal to discriminate against all LGBTQ people, keep trans people out of bathrooms, eliminate any government funding for gender-affirming medical treatment, and keep drag queens out of library story time. That legal argument is that LGBTQ people are actually a religion, and that by giving them the same rights as everyone else, the United States is violating the establishment clause of the First Amendment. Strange, given that people of their ilk usually deny that such a clause even exists. Plus the fact that they usually believe (and a rightwing Supreme Court has agreed) that "religion" usually means you can do whatever the hell you want. We are going out on a limb that these people are not great "thinkers."

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Russia

Trump Murdering Election Security Task Forces, Because ... Oh No Reason!

You can't secure an election with WALL!

A couple weeks back, Donald Trump's handpicked security chiefs sat before the Senate Intelligence Committee and reaffirmed that Russia fucked with the 2016 election, that it tried again in 2018, and that it will come back stronger than ever in the 2020 presidential election. They also said that other bad foreign actors like China are exceedingly likely to get in the game. They did not provide a status report on whether all of New Jersey's 400-pound election hackers have been rounded up and sent off to Gitmo, but don't you interpret their silence as inaction. We bet they're on that too, or at least they've lied to Trump's face and said they are.

Fast forward to now, and the Daily Beast reports that Trump's Department of Homeland Security is fingerbanging out of existence the very task forces assembled to, you know, protect election security in this here Homeland of ours.

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Trump

The Week In The World's Most Garbagey Man, Donald Trump Jr.

50 Shades of Asshole!

Donald Trump Jr., the president's first born and likely first indicted, boasts the incompetence and idiocy of Fredo Corleone but without the goodnatured amiability. Movies don't usually feature characters like Trump Jr. because they'd just be two-dimensional assholes, and there's no art in that. We're still searching in fact for Trump Jr.'s second dimension.

This week had several examples of why everyone hates Junior, including his own father and whoever came in contact with him last. It's only Thursday and God knows what he might do tomorrow, but we have only so much space.

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