RUDY! GIULIANI! WILL! NOT! HAVE! KENNEDY! DEFAME! HIM! LIKE! THIS! ON! FOX! BUSINESS! HE! IS! SO! MAD! NOW!

We know, we know, we just finished saying nobody gives a fuck about Hunter Biden and we're not writing about him anymore. We said that about Hillary Clinton's emails too, and that story, stupid as it was, had one thousand times more credibility than this imaginary Hunter Biden laptop Rudy Giuliani found in an unmarked Russian van down by the (Volga) river, or Delaware, or something.

But this Rudy Giuliani interview on Fox Business with Kennedy, the former MTV VJ who now does a job with less journalistic credibility than "MTV VJ," is the funniest thing we have seen all week, and Rudy Giuliani is so mad at her now.

We're going to just spoiler the ending, because Kennedy said Giuliani is acting like a common Christopher Steele making a DOSSIER, and by Rudy's reaction you would have thought Kennedy had called him a pedophile. (Fun fact: In the interview, Giuliani continually insinuates that Hunter Biden is a pedophile, and then backs off every time he's asked a direct question about it.)

In the real world, Christopher Steele is a highly respected former spy and ally of the United States who compiled intel on Donald Trump, some of which has been verified, some of which appears to be Russian desinformatziya planted to distract from the real stuff, and some that's not been verifiable either way. But on Fox News, if you call somebody a DOSSIER MAKER, you better be ready to take this behind the gym after third period and get beat up! By Rudy Giuliani!

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Oh No The Trump Campaign Got Hacked How Terrible

Oh dear, there is terrible news.

President Donald Trump's campaign website appeared to fall victim to hackers Tuesday night.

Good heavens, tell us more!

"This site was seized," read a message that was briefly posted on a page at donaldjtrump.com. The "world has had enough of the fake news spreaded daily" by the president, it continued.

That's not incorrect.

The message said it had information that "discredits" the president and his family

These hackers must read the newspaper sometimes!

and it demanded cryptocurrency to either release or withhold the information.

Well, that is bad news.

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Trump Traps Thousands Of Freezing Nebraska Supporters In On-The-Nose Metaphor

Donald Trump held another of his huge superspreader picnics at Eppley Airfield outside Omaha, Nebraska, last night. Thousands showed up to wave Trump signs and shout droplets on each other. After the predictable lies about how Joe Biden will make decent white folks live next to Cory Booker and COVID-19 will just go away because it's afraid of Trump's manliness, the Great Man hopped back on Air Force One and flew back to DC.

And then the murders began.

Or at least the freezings began. Thanks to a logistical clusterfuck, thousands of people were stuck standing outside in freezing weather, waiting for buses to pick them up. But most buses couldn't reach the airport rally site because of snarled traffic. That left most of the rally attendees stuck in the cold, miles from the parking lots where they'd left their cars. Omaha Scanner, a local news Twitter feed, reported that at least seven people were taken to hospitals for hypothermia. It was, by all accounts, a confusing, frozen mess:

He was at least supposed to keep the buses running on time.

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The Top 10 Ways Hunter Biden Is Very Bad, Wonkette Reluctantly Admits

New York Times media columnist Ben Smith saw a tweet from a Daily Caller idiot and had an observation:

Uh oh sounds pretty bad. Hunter Biden traded off his family name, just like every other person with a recognizable name that isn't "Smith" and parents who are powerful. Better take Donald Trump's advice and go beg the elections commission to let us change our vote away from Hunter Biden now.

In that spirit, here are the Top 10 Bad Things About Hunter Biden that Wonkette is now willing to admit we were Fake Newsing about, because of how George Soros paid us to, obviously:

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White House

Your Boyfriend Hot Miles Is 'Anonymous,' And Now You Must Dump Him

It's been real.

Well well well. Well well well well well. WELL WELL WELL WELL WELL WELL WELL.

George Conway tweeted this thing earlier about how he had just talked to Anonymous, who wrote that article and book about how they were part of the resistance inside the Trump administration that was totally curbing Trump's "worst" instincts. "Ugh," we thought, "if we are about to find out it was Kellyanne this whole time, then fuck Anonymous."

It wasn't Kellyanne. It was your boyfriend Miles Taylor, the former Trump Department of Homeland Security chief of staff who resigned and then started spilling alllllllll the tea about what Trump is really like. It was him the whole time. Now he's just Miles, and we don't have to call him "Anonymous" anymore. Got it? He has a name, you guys, OK?

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News

Do We Finally Have Enough To Make A Negligent Homicide Charge Against Jared Kushner Stick?

Everything Kushner touches also dies.

Jared Kushner is the dumbest man who ever walked the Earth without stumbling into the mouth of a sleeping saber-toothed tiger. He might think he's smarter than all the Black people who've avoided marrying Ivanka Trump, but he's not. Unfortunately, his idiocy was a driving force in the Trump administration's disastrous COVID-19 response.

CNN reports that Donald Trump's useless son-in-law bragged to Bob Woodward in mid-April about how the president had “cut out the doctors and scientists" advising him on the pandemic. He told Woodward in a taped interview that Trump was “getting the country back from the doctors," and he referred to this process as “a negotiated settlement," because he's an asshole.

KUSHNER: There were three phases. There's the panic phase, the pain phase, and then the comeback phase.

Fuck you. We're talking about the coronavirus not Robert Downey Jr.'s career. This doesn't end with Iron Man.

KUSHNER: I do believe that last night symbolized kind of the beginning of the comeback phase.

Jerkoff Jared here was referring to that fateful day in April when Trump announced he was bored with the coronavirus and governors should just open their states up already. There was no plan and sure as hell nothing resembling the robust national testing strategy that could make this not a dumpster fire.

No, this wasn't the beginning of a “comeback phase" for America. It was more of a comeback for the coronavirus, but like Ms. Aretha Franklin, it had never gone away, girl.

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POTUS

Obama: OF COURSE Dictators Want Trump To Win, He's Their Very Own Remote-Controlled Idiot!

We continue to like Barack Obama's new job of dickslapping Trump while pointing and laughing.

Hooray, time for your daily Barack Obama Clowns On Trump And Kicks Him In Dick video!

This actually came from the rally Obama did yesterday in Orlando, where he made fun of Trump for being jealous of coronavirus's TV ratings and also made fun of Trump for running away crying into his bunker from Lesley Stahl and his "60 Minutes" interview.

Turns out Obama went at Trump over his fears of Lesley Stahl from a whole DIFFERENT direction during his speech in Orlando. Why didn't we see this part and tell you it yesterday? It was all part of our master plan to give you a new Obama video every day, by being really busy and missing things entirely!

The theme of this section was Obama saying that if Trump has to fall down the stairs into the bunker when Lesley Stahl scares him, he FOR SURE is going to roll over for dictators who flatter him. And because Trump has been president for almost four years, we know that's exactly what Trump does with dictators. He fawns all over them. He is jealous of their power. He thinks they are big men, and that they are REAL leaders, because they have total control, and that's what he wants to be. He wants to be a REAL BIG GUY LEADER.

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