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Herman Cain't Be On Federal Reserve :(

Nein Nein Nein.

Donald Trump announced on Twitter this afternoon that one of his choices for the Federal Reserve Board, pizza human and Pokemon enthusiast Herman Cain, has noped right out of contention for the position. Too bad! Cain, the sexually harassy former CEO of Godfather's Pizza, hasn't said why he changed his mind after vowing last week to walk on through the wind, walk on through the rain and do anything he could to keep Donald Trump happy with monetary policy. But don't worry -- this is the Trump administration, which never gives up on a bad idea, so just wait a few months and we'll be hearing about Herman Cain, Secretary of the Space Force or some damn thing.

Trump, for his part, was far more gracious to Cain for not taking a job in his administration than he is toward two thirds of those he actually appoints:

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Bullsh*tting About Science With Rep. Don Beyer, Cool F*cking Guy

Te Gusta la Ciencia!

Hey! We talked to Don Beyer, US Representative from Virginia, about Everything Science Committee. IT WAS A GOOD TALK. Let's go!

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And On The Fourth Day, The Mueller Report Liveblog Rose Again

HEY-O! Donald Trump thought we were gonna go do our Easter and Passover festivities and forget how Robert Mueller's report is still out there, and that it's really fuckin' bad for him. NOPE. We spent Thursday and Friday deep diving into the report, and as it turns out, if that's a one man job, then it's a three day job. So today, we're going to finish our deep dive into the report, and we're going to keep covering stories from the report and stories that develop from the report, because it's probably the most important political document of most of our lifetimes and it deserves this kind of look. Once we are done, it will be time to start impeachment proceedings.

Also because if you think you've heard all the stories from the report, you haven't, because there's just that much there. We'll be starting on page 90 of Volume Two and slamming through to the end today, and we hope you'll join us.

For the rest of our Mueller report liveblogs, click HERE and HERE and HERE.

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Bill Barr Drew Dicks All Over Mueller Report, But Let's Liveblog It Anyway!

Gonna be a long day, y'all, you ready to dive in? We should note at the outset that any of the questions about obstruction of justice are colored by the fact that Trump refused to sit for an interview with Robert Mueller. Guess that's part of why Robert Mueller refused to clear him! But anyway, we will have more time for thoughts as we read.

Let's read the Mueller Report!

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Liveblogging Bill Barr's Boot Scootin' MAGA Rally, We Mean Press Conference

Good morning, America! Attorney General Bill Barr is doing a presser at 9:30 AM EDT about the Mueller report, which nobody will be able to see until around noon or after, once Congress gets the redacted report on CDs. Seeing as that is bullshit, there's no reason to watch this thing, as journalists won't be able to ask him questions about a document they haven't seen. So ... go back to bed, everyone!

Ugh, fine, we guess we will do this, and that is because we care, even though we are quite certain HGTV is doing some kind of very important "Property Brothers" marathon that adds much more of value to the national discourse, and also covers it up with shiplap accent walls. Does Bill Barr do cover-ups with shiplap? No, because he doesn't have the good taste for that.

Reportedly, we are going to hear from Barr why certain things were redacted, including why he thinks certain facts are subject to executive privilege, which is funny because he is not the president and therefore cannot invoke executive privilege. But oh whatever! Details! Robert Mueller won't be there and none of his team will be there, which tells you something about how they feel about this whole process. If they felt like this was on the up-and-up, you'd imagine they might show up to present a united front. As that is not happening, assume the entire thing is a bullshit act meant to help Donald Trump set the narrative for what will otherwise be a very bad day for him.

The New York Times reported last night that the White House has already been briefed on significant portions of the report, because Bill Barr is a rightwing scam artist piece of shit who gives the Trump White House reacharounds. The briefings have reportedly been very helpful for the White House in coming up with how to rebut today's report, which is funny because we thought Trump said this report was a full exoneration, NO COLLUSION, NO OBSTRUCTION. (Actually nope on both counts, since Mueller didn't decide the obstruction question, and even according to Barr's mash notes, he took a very limited view of the conspiracy question, focusing on the Russian government's hack and dump WikiLeaks operation.)

Anyway, assuming Trump is right about full exoneration, we guess Rudy Giuliani's rebuttal will state that Trump is guilty, full stop. Because that's what "rebuttal" means, correct?

Committee chairs in the House including Jerry Nadler, Adam Schiff and Maxine Waters have called upon Bill Barr to cancel today's briefing, as it is useless horseshit. Because Barr literally gives zero fucks about his reputation and apparently is OK with going down in history as a fecal stain on our institutions and the rule of law, the show will go on.

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Education

President Elizabeth Warren Just Canceled Your Student Loan Debt

OH WAIT you have to VOTE FOR HER first!

Guys, Elizabeth Warren is at it again, unveiling a proposal to cancel outstanding student debt and provide free higher education at public colleges and universities to anyone who wants it. Good lord, higher education for everyone? Fox News is going to have a fit. That will surely only leave the tiny vast majority of Americans who think higher education is a good investment susceptible to Warren's sneaky call for opportunity for everyone.

This latest policy proposal -- Warren is so addicted to these -- starts off on a delightful and hilarious personal note.

I managed to get a college scholarship, but then things turned upside down. The first boy I ever dated swooped back into my life and said he wanted to marry me. So I did what any sensible, mature 19-year-old would do: I said yes and dropped out of college.

Fortunately, once she got her head back on, she could afford the tuition -- just $50 a semester -- at University of Houston. She could even afford it on a waitressing salary, so she went back to school, got her degree, and became a teacher of special needs kids in elementary school.

Higher education opened a million doors for me. It's how the daughter of a janitor in a small town in Oklahoma got to become a teacher, a law school professor, a U.S. Senator, and eventually, a candidate for President of the United States.

Unfortunately, she says, that kind of opportunity seems a lot less common today, since states have cut back on funding higher education and costs have risen. (The annual cost for U of Houston -- including room, board, and books -- is $24,000 for in-state students today. In-state tuition alone is $8,724 a year). And now, most students who aren't already rich end up taking out tons of student loans. Warren notes all that student debt isn't just a bummer for students -- it's a drag on the economy.

It's reducing home ownership rates. It's leading fewer people to start businesses. It's forcing students to drop out of school before getting a degree. It's a problem for all of us.
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lawsplainer

Trump Sues Congress For NO TAXES NO TAXES YOU ARE THE TAXES

A LOL-splainer!

OYEZ! Another day, another bullshit lawsuit from the great legal minds in Trumpland. Last week, the House Oversight Committee dropped subpoenas on Trump's longtime accountants at Mazars, USA, instructing the company to hand over all Trump's financials ASAP. Mazars had refused to comply with a voluntary request, insisting on a "friendly" subpoena for CYA purposes. And even though ranking member Jim Jordan wrote a memo telling the pencil pushers to just ignore that mean black dude with the gavel, and then Trump's esteemed counsel lobbed a nastygram putting Mazars "on notice" that the president was going to sue them if they complied, Mazars seems inclined to cough it up. So now Trump's lawyers Stefan Passantino and William Consovoy are suing the Oversight Committee and Mazars, which is exactly how shit goes down when you have nothing at all to hide!

Not to get hypertechnical, but this lawsuit is horse puckey.

1. The Democrat Party, with its newfound control of the U.S. House of Representatives, has declared all-out political war against President Donald J. Trump. Subpoenas are their weapon of choice.

2. Democrats are using their new control of congressional committees to investigate every aspect of President Trump's personal finances, businesses, and even his family. Instead of working with the President to pass bipartisan legislation that would actually benefit Americans, House Democrats are singularly obsessed with finding something they can use to damage the President politically. They have issued more than 100 subpoenas and requests to anyone with even the most tangential connection to the President.

Yeah, yeah. Save it for Hannity, assholes.

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Journamalism

Daily Caller Company In Ur Facebook Checkin Ur Facts

It's Facebook, so you can probably expect a disaster.

In yet another sign that we are in fact now all dead and inhabiting Stupid Hell, Facebook has contracted with a fact-checking company owned by the Daily Caller. How will this affect the reliability of the news you see on Facebook? Fuck if we know, because despite its efforts to convince people it cares about fighting fake news, Facebook remains a cesspit. Just about the best thing we can say about this development is that "Check Your Fact," the fact-checking subsidiary of Tucker Carlson's Home for Scared Whitefolk, has a completely separate staff from the mothership, so there's that very, very small favor.

The fact-checking partnership was originally reported by Axios, which actually manages to provide a somewhat amusing read for a change, and yay Axios, some of the amusement appears intentional!

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Elections

Rudy Giuliani Talking In Stupid Circles Till You Get So Dizzy You Have To Hold On To The Kitchen Floor

It's your Sunday Show Rundown!

After Attorney General Bill "The Worst" Barr (beating Roseanne for the title) released a five-page memo and gave Trump almost a month to positively spin the Mueller Report, the real Mueller Report (with redactions) was finally released on Thursday. And despite Barr giving a pre-release preamble of bullshit, it was not good for Trump. So it was time to load Trump's attorney Rudy Giuliani into a trebuchet of bullshit and launch him into the Sunday shows to say stupid things!

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Culture

Franklin Graham Just Wants Mayor Pete To Know God Hates Him, Wants Him To Die

God still down with DJT.

Presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg is gay, which everyone already knows. However, an anti-gay protestor interrupted his rally in Des Moines, Iowa, last week to remind everyone that Buttigieg is a "sodomite," which isn't a shocking revelation. Also, go look up the definition of "sodomy." If it doesn't include some of your own sexual practices, regardless of orientation, then we're sorry.

The protestor also shouted, "Remember Sodom and Gomorrah!" That's probably good advice for a Democratic campaign rally. See, according to the Bible this doofus is supposed to have read, the sins of Sodom were "pride, gluttony, and laziness, while the poor and needy suffered outside her door." Even Pat Robertson understands this. If anyone's turning into a pillar of salt, it's Donald Trump.

Evangelical hack and Trump BFF Franklin Graham graciously defended Buttigieg in a Facebook post on Thursday. He disapproved of the protestor heckling Buttigieg like he was performing observational comedy at the Chuckles Hut off Highway 5. However, he had some quibbles with Buttigieg's response that "the condition of [his] soul is in the hands of God." Graham isn't so sure God wants to touch Buttigieg's soul because it's all queer and sticky.

GRAHAM: Mayor Buttigieg is absolutely right—His soul is in the hands of God, so is everyone's. He also says that he's a Christian and wants to become the first openly gay president in America's history. What's wrong with that picture?

Yeah, what exactly is wrong with this picture?

PeteforAmerica.com

Can't figure it out? Don't worry. Graham knows, and more importantly, so does JESUS.

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Crime

Deep State Gets Nice Militia Felon Man Exercising His Right To Wave Gun At Refugee Children

THAT'S HOW THEY GET YA.

The FBI has arrested the leader of an armed militia that recorded itself last week "detaining" (kidnapping) a large group of people who had crossed the border into New Mexico -- for patriotism. Larry Mitchell Hopkins, head of the "United Constitutional Patriots" (UCP) gunhumping and pretend border-cop group, was picked up Saturday for being a felon in possession of firearms and ammunition. As of yet, no charges for Hopkins or his group for holding the immigrants, many of them children, against their will while the group called the Border Patrol. As of this morning Donald Trump has not yet issued a pardon to Hopkins or appointed him to a Cabinet position.

Hopkins, who is 69 but not nice, pleaded guilty in 2006 to impersonating a police officer and illegal firearms possession, but he probably had a very patriotic reason for it -- he claimed to be a bounty hunter, after all. Hopkins goes by the name "Johnny Horton Jr." in tribute to the country musician who died in 1960, and says he's a close personal friend of Donald Trump. In fact, Hopkins says Trump is a regular listener of his conspiracy-filled webcasts, and that Trump has personally asked him for intelligence on scary Muslims sneaking into the US -- not from Mexico, but from Canada, since the northern border is where "all of the Muslims are coming in."

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Russia

And On The Fourth Day, The Mueller Report Liveblog Rose Again

That's right, we're not done yet.

HEY-O! Donald Trump thought we were gonna go do our Easter and Passover festivities and forget how Robert Mueller's report is still out there, and that it's really fuckin' bad for him. NOPE. We spent Thursday and Friday deep diving into the report, and as it turns out, if that's a one man job, then it's a three day job. So today, we're going to finish our deep dive into the report, and we're going to keep covering stories from the report and stories that develop from the report, because it's probably the most important political document of most of our lifetimes and it deserves this kind of look. Once we are done, it will be time to start impeachment proceedings.

Also because if you think you've heard all the stories from the report, you haven't, because there's just that much there. We'll be starting on page 90 of Volume Two and slamming through to the end today, and we hope you'll join us.

For the rest of our Mueller report liveblogs, click HERE and HERE and HERE.

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News

Giuliani's ON IT. Wonkagenda For Mon., April 22, 2019

Giuliani still obsessed with HER EMAILS, Trump World implodes, and student journos school Betsy DeVos. Your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today!

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popular

Behold! It Is Your Easter Open Thread, Starring A Very Scary Marie Osmond Rabbit Person.

Enjoy?

Hello! Here a beautiful open thread for you to not comment all over, so that you don't not comment all over Dok's book club post.

I was gonna drop my Nonnie's recipe for Easter bread in here, but apparently it has to proof overnight and is also for approximately 87,000 people, so not much of a point to that! (Though here it is if you really want it. She doesn't do the egg thing, but if you want, you can put some dyed raw eggs in the braided dough before you bake. And you can add sprinkles, and anise if you're gross and like gross things) I was gonna try and make it myself last night, but have instead opted to just make waffles. Waffles are FINE.

So instead, I shall just leave you with this absolutely terrifying version of The Velveteen Rabbit starring Marie Osmond as said velveteen rabbit. Coincidentally, Marie Osmond is also Nonnie's 2nd arch-nemesis, after Rachel Ray (Rachel Ray because she doesn't pull her hair back when she cooks, and Marie for reasons I'm not entirely clear on but which I believe are related to a Weight Watchers commercial).

THE VELVETEEN RABBIT starring Marie Osmond - full length feature youtu.be


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Culture

The Great Depression Coulda Been Worse: What If Herbert Hoover Had Twitter?

Wonkette Book Club: Winter War, by Eric Rauchway

Happy Day Before Half-Priced Easter Chocolate Day, Wonkers! Time to wrap up our Wonkette Book Club discussion of Winter War: Hoover, Roosevelt, and the First Clash Over the New Deal, by Erich Rauchway, a historian at UC-Davis. We're increasingly convinced the book might have just as well been titled Herbert Hoover: Christ, What An Asshole! As ever, even if you haven't finished the reading, jump in anyway -- there won't be a test!

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popular

Church Of Holy Bleach Drinking Offering $450 Seminars. We Say NO THANK YOU!

Yeah, don't drink bleach. It is a bad idea.

In this increasingly polarized society we live in, it's hard to find any kind of consensus on anything -- but one would think that there would still be a few things here and there that we could all agree upon. One also might assume that one of those things would be "drinking bleach is a bad idea."

But if one were to do that, they would be wrong. Because the Genesis II Church is holding a seminar today in Washington State in order to promote the use of a substance they call "Miracle Mineral Solution," which they consider a miracle cure for every disease on earth, and which the FDA and anyone who can read ingredients would consider "industrial bleach."

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Culture

Laura Loomer Filed A Lawsuit Against Twitter Based On A Prank Someone Played On Her

Oh no, this is too funny.

This past November, far right dingbat Laura Loomer was finally kicked off of Twitter after tweeting a bunch of crazy ass hateful shit about Minnesota Congresswoman Ilhan Omar. To put it mildly, she was not happy about it. In fact, she kind of lost her fucking mind (what was left of it anyway) and ended up handcuffing herself to Twitter headquarters in order to protest the ban. She's been yelling about it ever since -- though since she's not on Twitter, few have even noticed.

Filled with desperation and with nowhere else left to turn, she is bringing her case to court and suing Twitter in hopes that a judge and jury will force the social media company to give her back her account so that she can continue to use it to scream horrible things about Muslim people all day long. This is what she is currently doing on Instagram, where she just recently went on a charming rant all about how much she hates Reps. Rashida Tlaib and Ilhan Omar (yes, again), stating that Islam is a "cancer" and that "Muslims should not be allowed to seek positions of political office in this country. It should be illegal."

With statements like that, it is hard to believe that Twitter, or anyone, for that matter, would not be thrilled to have a normal human person like Laura Loomer on their site.

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Russia

Mike Huckabee Literally Thought April Ryan Was Speaking Literally About Beheading His Daughter

He's still the third worst person in his family.

White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders is a congenital liar, and her condition is terminal. We appreciate how difficult that probably is for her loved ones, but they should just hold a telethon or something. Sanders's father, Mike Huckabee, chose instead to make some drunk dad jokes on Twitter yesterday.

Huckabee accused journalist April Ryan of literally threatening his daughter's life. Although this is funnier than most of his usual tweets, he was actually serious. He shared a Red State article with the headline "CNN's April Ryan Says Sarah Sanders' Head Should Be 'Lopped Off.'" This is not actually what Ryan said or meant because she's not a homicidal maniac with a bone saw collection.

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Russia

Your Weekly Top Ten Has A Delicious Easter Cookie And You Do Not!

YOU COME READ YOUR TOP TEN STORIES RIGHT NOW!

Hello! It's the weekend! Which means I am in charge and also you get to see our TOP TEN stories of the week, which for some reason I am doing this week also! Probably because Evan has been hardcore Muellering all week and needs a BREAK. Which is fair!

I, for one, have my fingers crossed that no important RUSSIA stories break today because I am of absolutely no help in that area whatsoever. Unless you want to talk about the False Dmitrys, because I am always here to talk about the False Dmitrys. But that probably will not be a news item for any reason, ever. Unfortunately for us all.

And now, for your viewing pleasure, our top ten articles of the week!

10. It's Time For 'TALKIN' GAY,' With Rachel Maddow And Mayor Pete!

9. Welsh Schools Tackle Period Poverty By Doling Out Tampons And Pads At Schools

8. Lou Dobbs Sorry Lou Dobbs Made Trump Lie About Approval Ratings

7. Donald Trump Tweets While Notre Dame Burns

6. We're Not Crying, You're Crying At Pete Buttigieg Kickoff Speech

5. A Roundup Of Wingnuts Insisting Donald "I'm Fucked" Trump Is Innocent

4. Trump Telling Border Patrol To Break Law For Full Pardon

3. So It Was Black Metal That Made That Guy Burn All Those Black Churches

2. Hey, Aaron Schock What'd You Find In That Guy's Pants At Coachella?

1. Bill Barr Drew Dicks All Over Mueller Report, But Let's Liveblog It Anyway!

Wow, those sure are some good stories!

What else? Here are some pics of Wonkette toddler doing MODEL MOVES! STYLE FILE!



Our editrix reports that her new thing is where "she does a model move then goes "STYLE FILE!" It is some dumb fucking barbie cartoon or some shit"

Probably!

Anyway, time to get on with our day here and find a thing to write about next. See you all in a few!

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