Donate

New York Times Just Handed Trump Rod Rosenstein's Head On A Stick, So It Can Fuck Right Out Of Here

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!

If it's a day, the New York Times is fucking shit up, but today, it fucked up BIGLY.

Fresh-faced access journalists Adam Goldman and Michael Schmidt have just published what we can only describe as a drive-by shooting against Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein, which reads as some bullshit planted by the White House to give Donald Trump the pretext for his Saturday Night Massacre, if he wants it. (He does.)

Maybe the White House is tired of talking about the flailing nomination of Judge Maybe Rapey and how Paul Manafort and Michael Cohen are cooperating with special counsel Robert Mueller, and the New York Times was more than happy to help!

Or maybe it was planted by former deputy director of the FBI Andrew McCabe, who was fired by Attorney General Jeff Sessions just hours before his pension was set to kick in, and may have a serious axe to grind with DoJ officials and leaked a copy of his own memos. (His lawyer says that's not true, but he would say that, wouldn't he?)

Or maybe it's both, somehow! Or one of many other things!

Keep reading... Show less

Wrongly Convicted Man Set Free After 27 Years By Super Sleuths At ... Golf Digest!

FUCKING GOLF CLAP, GENTS!

It's not every day Golf Digest gets noticed as a source of hard-hitting investigative journalism, at least outside of reviews of titanium carbon fiber nanotech infinite improbability drivers or some such. But Wednesday, some journamalisming that started with a Golf Digest story about a guy who drew fantastic imaginary golf courses concluded with that guy, Valentino Dixon, walking out of Attica prison, 27 years after he'd been sentenced for 39 years to life. Not bad, Golf Digest. We give you a GOLF CLAP. And a Pulitzer if we had one, which, sadly, we don't.

As Golf Digest says, the twists and turns of the case are a bit complex (they're unraveled in more detail in this New York Times story), but it basically comes down to a local prosecutor who was determined to railroad Dixon for the 1991 murder of a 17-year-old, Torriano Jackson, in Buffalo, New York. The conviction involved

shoddy police work, zero physical evidence linking Dixon, conflicting testimony of unreliable witnesses, the videotaped confession to the crime by another man, a public defender who didn't call a witness at trial, and perjury charges against those who said Dixon didn't do it.

Dixon had a prior conviction for selling cocaine, and he made a convenient target for Erie County prosecutor Chris Belling, who was weirdly determined to ignore even statements from the actual killer, LaMarr Scott, who pleaded guilty to the killing shortly before Dixon's release this week.

Keep reading... Show less

Franklin Graham Pretty Sure There's Nothing Wrong With A Little Rape Between High School Kids

The Reverend Franklin Graham is an evangelical leader, inheritor of Billy Graham's spiritual legacy, and like his daddy, an adviser to an increasingly unhinged president. Graham has some very deep thoughts on the accusations against Brett Kavanaugh by Christine Blasey Ford, and those thoughts are so Christian and kind! As Jesus taught, we are to forgive the sinner whether or not he repents himself, and then lies about the sin, especially if it will get a Republican on the Supreme Court to overturn Roe v. Wade.

Keep reading... Show less

Trump: Why Didn't The FBI Tell Me The Thing It Told Me, IMPEACH!

Look, we know it's not actually NEWS when Ol' Yeti Pubes tells a lie. It's kind of his thing, like bankruptcy and barebacking pornstars. But since we look to be headed into a Category 5 Mueller Storm, let's flag this weakass piece of driftwood Trump's getting ready to hang onto for dear life.

Last week Trump told The Hill's Jonathan Solomon (speaking of weakass driftwood!) and wingnut talkshow host Buck Sexton:

President Trump: I've always said that the Russia hoax was an excuse for them losing the election. Even though actually, amazingly that started seven months before. That started when it looked like I may have a chance to win, OK? But see that didn't do anything to me because I didn't know about it.

One thing on that again, also, if they thought there was something with Russia, and I'm one of two people that are gonna be the president of the United States, they should have come to me and said, "Sir, you're dealing with people that may have something to do with Russia. We want to let you know." And I'd say, "I'm sorry whoever it may be, you gotta go, sorry."

John Solomon: They never did that, did they?

President Trump: They never did it, no, they never did it. No, but wouldn't you think they'd say hey, you know there's two people that have a chance.

(There was a brief interruption in the interview.)

Yes, it's tempting to speculate about that "brief interruption." Just which part of Trump's anatomy did these two very serious journalists fondle off the record? But don't get distracted, because, ewwwwwwwwww! And also, HE IS LYING OUT HIS ORANGE ASS!

Keep reading... Show less

Idiot Lawyer Ed Whelan Used SCIENCE (And Zillow) To Prove It *Really Was* Brett Kavanaugh's Evil Twin

Thursday night was one of those nights when Twitter LOST ITS EVERLOVING SHIT. Such fun!

Ed Whelan, who is the president of the adorably named "Ethics and Public Policy Center," and also a blogger at National Review Online, which means he's a #VrySrsPerson, debuted his integrated theory of how Brett Kavanaugh couldn't have tried to rape Dr. Christine Blasey Ford, because of the scientific method he created out of his butt.

As evidence, he used facts, reason, science, Zillow, Brett Kavanaugh's high school yearbook, and Google Maps, which solved ALL OF IT. First of all, Whelan says Brett Kavanaugh is not the real rapist because he just lived too far away. (They did not have cars when Brett Kavanaugh was in high school, apparently.) Ed Whelan found another guy who went to high school with Brett Kavanaugh, guy whom he named by name, and we're not gonna, guy who's a middle school teacher now and who looked kiiiiiiiinda like Brett Kavanaugh in high school -- not really hardly at all, but we guess they share a certain entitled white boy joie de douche -- and his house was right near the Columbia Country Club. UH OH! Christine Blasey Ford said the incident happened near Columbia Country Club! Therefore QED MUH-FUCKERS, Not Brett did the raping, not that Ed Whelan is accusing Not Brett of being a rapist, perish the thought and bless his heart!

Keep reading... Show less
Trump

Guess How Much Jail Time Man Got For Strangling A Woman And Masturbating On Her?

Spoiler alert: He lost his job and that's punishment enough.

In August of 2017, 34-year-old Alaska man Justin Schneider offered a stranded woman a ride. Rather than taking her where he said he would, he went off in another direction, saying he needed to get something from another car. When they reached that destination, he asked her to get out while he loaded things into his truck. It was at that point he told her he was going to kill her and then strangled her until she was unconscious. He then proceeded to masturbate on her, and when she woke up, he offered her a tissue.

Based on overwhelming evidence, a grand jury indicted him on four felony counts, including kidnapping and assault, as well as a misdemeanor charge for "offensive contact with fluids."

And yet. And yet. He will serve zero days in jail.

Keep reading... Show less
Religion

Franklin Graham Pretty Sure There's Nothing Wrong With A Little Rape Between High School Kids

Your American 'Christianity' at work.

The Reverend Franklin Graham is an evangelical leader, inheritor of Billy Graham's spiritual legacy, and like his daddy, an adviser to an increasingly unhinged president. Graham has some very deep thoughts on the accusations against Brett Kavanaugh by Christine Blasey Ford, and those thoughts are so Christian and kind! As Jesus taught, we are to forgive the sinner whether or not he repents himself, and then lies about the sin, especially if it will get a Republican on the Supreme Court to overturn Roe v. Wade.

Keep reading... Show less
Russia

Michael Cohen Reportedly Being Robert Mueller's VERY GOOD BOY!

GIVE THIS MAN A SNAUSAGE.

WHO'S A GOOD BOY? WHO'S A GOOD BOY?

It's Michael Cohen!

We regret to inform you that Donald Trump's very shitty week continues to get shittier, as late Thursday news broke that a certain guy who used to say he would take a bullet for Trump, and who used to call Trump MISTURRRRR TWUMP, has a new best friend, and it is special counsel Robert Mueller! (No word on whether or not Cohen calls him MISTURRRRR MULLAH, but we're going to guess the answer is obviously.)

Cohen, you will remember, already pleaded guilty in the Southern District of New York to EIGHT COUNTS of tax evasion, bank fraud and campaign finance violations, and in those latter charges, which pertain to illegal payoffs to Stormy Daniels and Karen McDougal to cover up affairs with Trump, Cohen stood in the courtroom and implicated the president of the United States as the person who directed him to commit the crimes, which is where Trump got his new nickname, which is President Yeti Pubes. No wait, dangit, we are mixing things up. He became Yeti Pubes because of his big forest of Yeti Pubes and Cohen's plea made him PRESIDENT UNINDICTED CO-CONSPIRATOR.

Mueller had punted that investigation over to SDNY, but we always suspected he was still investigating quite a bit of NO COLLUSION related to Cohen's involvement in the Russia conspiracy, and it turns out that is precisely what Cohen has been talking to Mueller about over what's reported to be days of questioning:

Keep reading... Show less
Culture

The Brett Kavanaugh Modeling Agency ... Errr, HR DEPARTMENT

ENOUGH OF THIS BULLSHIT!

Gather 'round, kids! Let's talk about how institutions like Yale Law School spin a protective cocoon around powerful men like Judge Kavanaugh, forming mutually beneficial relationships to reinforce everyone's power and prestige.

Meet Amy Chua, professor at Yale Law School and author of the bestseller Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, in which she repurposes her own childhood trauma and sells it to Americans as this ONE WEIRD TRICK to ensure that your kids play at Carnegie Hall and go to an Ivy League college.

Keep reading... Show less
Cops Behaving Badly

ICE Arresting Sponsors Of Migrant Kids, Because Deport Everyone Is Why

#AbolishICE.

Immigration and Customs Enforcement has advanced to a new stage of Donald Trump's Deport Everyone agenda: arresting undocumented members of families that apply to sponsor children who crossed the border by themselves. It's all part of the Trump administration's mission to somehow find and deport all 12 million undocumented migrants in the USA, because deporting people is the one thing this crowd is good at.

Keep reading... Show less
Post-Racial America

Ben Carson's HUD Full Of Unqualified Suck-Ups Like Ben Carson

Don't wake them up. They might decide to do something.

Gosh, who ever would have guessed that the Department of Housing and Urban Development under Ben Carson has been transformed into a dumping ground for Carson and Trump campaign workers who aren't qualified for their very well-paid jobs? As the Washington Post reported yesterday, at least 24 of HUD's highest-paid political appointees have no experience in housing policy at all -- and 16 of those 24 worked on the Carson or Trump presidential campaigns. And here's a shocker: Their lack of qualifications has led to the rollout of some terrible policies, plus general confusion about routine matters. But at least Trump can say he's created some very well-paying jobs somewhere.

Keep reading... Show less
2018 State and Local Elections

Why Did Dianne Feinstein Force Republicans To Make Fun Of Rape Victims?

She has a lot to answer for, we guess.

It's serious business when a Supreme Court justice nominee is accused of attempted rape, and serious business should be treated seriously. Or not. You could just make light of Dr. Christine Blasey Ford's accusations like a common sociopath. Lot of folks are choosing this option, as if taking Donald Trump Jr.'s lead has ever resulted in anything but pain and misery. And in South Carolina, the motto is "go big or go home." Actually, it's "we'll never forgive Nikki Haley for taking down our flag," but if the country can have two Carolinas, my home state can have two mottos.

Republican House Rep. Ralph Norman kicked off a debate Thursday against Democratic challenger Archie Parnell with some well-considered rape humor.

"I thought I was going to be late. Did y'all hear this latest, late-breaking news from the Kavanaugh hearings?" said Norman. "Ruth Bader Ginsburg came out that she was groped by Abraham Lincoln. I thought I was going to have to get back there but we don't."

Hiyo! The debate was held at a Kiwanis club. Kiwanis is a children's charity, so it was a little surprised at Norman's decision to work blue. When he was booked, they expected more of his folksy observations about how biscuits from a can aren't as good as homemade.

Keep reading... Show less
Russia

Trump: Why Didn't The FBI Tell Me The Thing It Told Me, IMPEACH!

Yeah, nah.

Look, we know it's not actually NEWS when Ol' Yeti Pubes tells a lie. It's kind of his thing, like bankruptcy and barebacking pornstars. But since we look to be headed into a Category 5 Mueller Storm, let's flag this weakass piece of driftwood Trump's getting ready to hang onto for dear life.

Last week Trump told The Hill's Jonathan Solomon (speaking of weakass driftwood!) and wingnut talkshow host Buck Sexton:

President Trump: I've always said that the Russia hoax was an excuse for them losing the election. Even though actually, amazingly that started seven months before. That started when it looked like I may have a chance to win, OK? But see that didn't do anything to me because I didn't know about it.

One thing on that again, also, if they thought there was something with Russia, and I'm one of two people that are gonna be the president of the United States, they should have come to me and said, "Sir, you're dealing with people that may have something to do with Russia. We want to let you know." And I'd say, "I'm sorry whoever it may be, you gotta go, sorry."

John Solomon: They never did that, did they?

President Trump: They never did it, no, they never did it. No, but wouldn't you think they'd say hey, you know there's two people that have a chance.

(There was a brief interruption in the interview.)

Yes, it's tempting to speculate about that "brief interruption." Just which part of Trump's anatomy did these two very serious journalists fondle off the record? But don't get distracted, because, ewwwwwwwwww! And also, HE IS LYING OUT HIS ORANGE ASS!

Keep reading... Show less
News

Idiot Lawyer Ed Whelan Used SCIENCE (And Zillow) To Prove It *Really Was* Brett Kavanaugh's Evil Twin

This is not going well for them.

Thursday night was one of those nights when Twitter LOST ITS EVERLOVING SHIT. Such fun!

Ed Whelan, who is the president of the adorably named "Ethics and Public Policy Center," and also a blogger at National Review Online, which means he's a #VrySrsPerson, debuted his integrated theory of how Brett Kavanaugh couldn't have tried to rape Dr. Christine Blasey Ford, because of the scientific method he created out of his butt.

As evidence, he used facts, reason, science, Zillow, Brett Kavanaugh's high school yearbook, and Google Maps, which solved ALL OF IT. First of all, Whelan says Brett Kavanaugh is not the real rapist because he just lived too far away. (They did not have cars when Brett Kavanaugh was in high school, apparently.) Ed Whelan found another guy who went to high school with Brett Kavanaugh, guy whom he named by name, and we're not gonna, guy who's a middle school teacher now and who looked kiiiiiiiinda like Brett Kavanaugh in high school -- not really hardly at all, but we guess they share a certain entitled white boy joie de douche -- and his house was right near the Columbia Country Club. UH OH! Christine Blasey Ford said the incident happened near Columbia Country Club! Therefore QED MUH-FUCKERS, Not Brett did the raping, not that Ed Whelan is accusing Not Brett of being a rapist, perish the thought and bless his heart!

Keep reading... Show less
Elections

Trump Derangement Syndrome. Wonkagenda For Fri., Sept. 21, 2018

Dr. Ford lays down the rules, Trump whines in Las Vegas, and Republicans are giving up. Your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

Keep reading... Show less
News

Mazie Hirono All Up Chuck Grassley's Butt Like ALOHA, MOTHERFUCKER!

Mazie Hirono will take the Senate's tradition of decorum and congeniality and shove it up YOUR ASS.

MAZIE! MAZIE MAZIE MAZIE!

Have you all been noticing that Senator Mazie Hirono of Hawaii has been breaking her foot off in some asses lately? We have been noticing it!

This woman, who is battling cancer, is OVER IT. She is OVER THESE DUMB ASSHOLE GOP MEN in the Senate and wherever else these men are currently bothering her, and she is probably done with YOUR FACE, if your face is one of the things that pisses Mazie Hirono off. Here she is addressing ridiculous allegations that Senate Judiciary Committee chair Chuck Grassley is somehow doing his job and working real hard to get in touch with Dr. Christine Blasey Ford, the woman Brett Kavanaugh allegedly tried to rape 36 years ago, so they can work out a time for Dr. Blasey to testify for the committee in a way that makes her comfortable:

Keep reading... Show less
Post-Racial America

Facebook: White Nationalism Is Thumbs-Up Like Emoticon!

Hire some black folks, guys.

Donald Trump's presidency has made white nationalism fashionable again. It doesn't help matters that social networking giant Facebook has offered white nationalists a global platform for their hate. Back in May, Motherboard obtained internal documents that revealed how Facebook planned to handle white supremacist content on its site after Charlottesville. It was incredibly stupid.

See, Facebook wouldn't let you post praise of white supremacy as an ideology or identify yourself as a "proud" white supremacist. It would allow you to post praise of white nationalism as an ideology or identify yourself as a "proud" white nationalist. All those tech bros and all those hoodies in the same place and they still couldn't muster the collective brain power to understand that white supremacy and white nationalism are synonymous, by which I mean the exact same thing but with a slightly different arrangement of letters.

Keep reading... Show less
popular

Is Brett Kavanaugh's Evil Twin The Real Attempted Rapist? Maaaaaybe!

Another Pulitzer for Kathleen Parker pls!

Over this past week, we have heard some fascinating excuses for Brett Kavanaugh having allegedly attempted to rape Dr. Christine Blasey Ford when he was in high school. Hey, he didn't rape us, said some ladies who knew him. It could have just been horseplay, said his spokesperson Carrie Severino! He wasn't even there, said Orrin Hatch! It totally doesn't matter anyway because he has done enough good in his lifetime that he should get to sexually assault like, one lady, said Dennis Prager! Maybe it was a false memory and she hallucinated the whole thing, said the Dilbert guy!

So many possible options. But something was missing. We didn't know it, but we felt it in our bones. And then, today, Pulitzer Prize-winning writer Kathleen Parker dropped it in the Washington Post. What if it wasn't Brett Kavanaugh, she tells us all, very seriously, but rather his evil twin. Or someone who just looked a whole lot like him. Perhaps even this "Bart O'Kavanaugh" we have been hearing so much about.

Let's hear her out!

Keep reading... Show less
SCOTUS

Brett Kavanaugh Don't Need No FBI Investigation Since GOP Staff Is ON IT

What does the Federal Bureau know about Investigations, anyway?

Senate Judiciary Committee chair Chuck Grassley has decided no FBI investigation is needed into Christine Blasey Ford's claim that Brett Kavanaugh tried to rape her, because investigating Supreme Court nominees is none of the FBI's business, and besides, there's a confirmation vote that needs to be rushed through. In a letter to committee Democrats, Grassley explained his guys are ON IT and dragging in a bunch of amateur detectives from the nation's top law enforcement agency would just be incredibly unfair to Kavanaugh, you monsters.

Keep reading... Show less
Russia

New York Times Just Published A HOLY SHIT WOW Story On The Trump-Russia Conspiracy, So That's Unlike Them!

IS OUR NEW YORK TIMES LEARNING?

Guys, the New York Times has published an incredible long read analyzing the Trump-Russia situation in its entirety, based on everything we know now ... and everybody has died of shock, because the NYT really sucks at that stuff usually!

Haha, we jest (sort of).

All jokes aside, it's a long read worth your time, so since it's Thursday and you ain't got nothin' better to do, open a tab and get readin', as this is a far cry from "Slate and Mother Jones scooped us and now we're pissed so NO RUSSIA, NO RUSSIA, YOU ARE THE RUSSIA: A Story by the New York Times," published just days before the election. It's also a far cry from "Sure, Trump is a balls-out criminal, we hate Hillary more, so let's talk about her emails and how the Clinton Foundation is raping puppies: Also a story by the New York Times," published every single day of the 2016 campaign.

Keep reading... Show less
Russia

Trump Idiot Lawyer Has PROOF That NBC Framed Trump ... But It's A SECRET!

He left it with his girlfriend in Canada for safekeeping. PROBABLY.

If the facts are against you, argue the law. If the law is against you, argue the facts. If the law and the facts are against you, pound the table and yell like hell. And if that doesn't work, just make shit up.

Talking hairpiece Jay Sekulow went on Chris Cuomo's CNN show Wednesday night to barf out the latest Trumpland nonsense on the Russian WITCH HUNT. Remember way back in May, 2017 when Donald Trump told Lester Holt about that hilarious time he fired James Comey to murder the Russia investigation?

"I was going to fire Comey knowing there's no good time to do it. And in fact when I decided to just do it, I said to myself, I said, 'you know, this Russia thing with Trump and Russia is a made up story, it's an excuse by the Democrats for having lost an election that they should have won.'"

Did you think that meant he actually fired Comey TO MURDER THE RUSSIA INVESTIGATION? Watch and learn, kids!

Keep reading... Show less
Donate

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)