Who's A Craven, Soulless, Hypocritical GOP Senate Sh*theel? ALL OF THEM, KATIE

Well, we hope you weren't wasting prayers on maybe there being enough Republican senators out there to keep Mitch McConnell from confirming a 12-year-old anti-abortion protester to the Supreme Court. Have you met Republicans?

Lisa Murkowski is against it, and Susan Collins is supposedly against it, but St. Mittens Of Romney came out with a bullshit statement this morning, explaining that for bullshit reasons, he would be just fine with putting whatever little garbage shithole Donald Trump nominates on the floor for a vote. He didn't say he would definitely vote for that person, but let's not hold out hope for stupid things.

Mittens might think Trump deserves to be removed from office for extorting Ukraine to help him steal the 2020 election, but that doesn't mean he thinks a conservative Republican president doesn't have the right to fuck the Court for generations. This is about judges, AKA the unholy grail of the GOP's plans to destroy America for your grandchildren's grandchildren.

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Robert Mueller Might Have Found A Trump-Russia Conspiracy, But He Was Scared

The Atlantic has a report this week on Where Law Ends: Inside the Mueller Investigation, the new book from top Mueller investigation prosecutor Andrew Weissmann, now an MSNBC contributor, and it sounds like that investigation and the report it produced could have done a hell of a lot more good if it hadn't been for everybody always being so scared of making Donald Trump mad.

To be fair, Weissmann isn't talking shit about his former boss, and he also expresses that the great fear throughout was that Trump would be triggered and shut the investigation down entirely. So there's that.

But still.

Weissmann offers a damning indictment of a "lawless" president and his knowing accomplices—Attorney General William Barr (portrayed as a cynical liar), congressional Republicans, criminal flunkies, Fox News. Donald Trump, he writes, is "like an animal, clawing at the world with no concept of right and wrong." But in telling the story of the investigation and its fallout, Weissmann reserves his most painful words for the Special Counsel's Office itself. Where Law Ends portrays a group of talented, dedicated professionals beset with internal divisions and led by a man whose code of integrity allowed their target to defy them and escape accountability.

That's disheartening. Weissmann writes, "We could have done more." He writes that parts of the Mueller Report were "mealymouthed." He says Mueller, ultimately, let the American people down.

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Come And Get Your Poll Porn

Bow chicka bow bow! You come get your poll porn this morning, and you take it right back to your bunk. The presidential race appears to be holding steady at a molar-grinding Florida-Pennsylvania-Wisconsin impasse. Not sexy! But let's grind up on these Senate and Senate-adjacent polls and see if we can't count our way to 51 and beyond.

First up ...

South Carolina

Whaaaa??? Lindsey Graham in trouble? Put that shit right in our veins. When Quinnipiac and Morning Consult showed this race tied in August, we figured it was a blip. But six weeks later, we're still looking at a dead heat among "likely voters," with Morning Consult putting Graham up one on Jaime Harrison (46-45), and Quinnipiac showing the race tied (48-48).

Keep in mind that "likely voter" is basically synonymous with "person who voted before and says she's planning to do it again." If we can get new, young voters engaged, we win. And Harrison has raised upwards of $30 million, so he's got the money to do it. For comparison, Tim Scott spent $9 million in 2016, and Graham spent $11.4 million in 2014.

And Trump hasn't helped the GOP in the Palmetto State. He won it by 14 points just four years ago, but he's down to a seven point lead now. So much winning!

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Is Amy Coney Barrett's Catholic Jesus Batsh*t Cult Literally 'The Handmaid's Tale'?

We don't know if Donald Trump is going to nominate Amy Coney Barrett, who is literally batshit, to stinky up the seat of Ruth Bader Ginsburg, one of the greatest justices to ever sit on the Supreme Court. But if he does, all the Handmaid's Tale jokes will officially be too real.

When Coney Barrett sat for her confirmation hearing to the federal judiciary's Seventh Circuit seat she is currently stinky-ing up, California Democratic Sen. Dianne Feinstein memorably said to her, "the dogma lives loudly within you." Coney Barrett is the insane kind of Catholic. She has stated publicly that "life begins at conception," which is funny if you know anything about science and how well that fertilized egg survives in the wild if it fails to implant. She doesn't necessarily believe in observing precedent, if she thinks the case was decided incorrectly. (Hi, Roe v. Wade. How you hangin' on?)

She believes her (batshit) religious beliefs are more important than the law, when it comes to deciding cases. She doesn't even think the Miranda decision (no not Lin Manuel, the "Law & Order" thing where you get read your rights) was very good.

She's real bad at this. And batshit.

Before Trump nominated Coney Barrett to the Seventh Circuit, she had never been a judge before. Sure, why not put that fucking idiot on the Supreme Court? (Because she's only 48 and could potentially skullfuck America for 50 years if confirmed.)

Oh yeah, and this dumbass is also a longstanding member of the same type of Catholic Jesus club that was literally the inspiration for The Handmaid's Tale.

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News

America's Millionaires Are Fleeing — Should You? Tabs, Thurs., Sept. 24, 2020

So, nu?

Fuck him to hell.

No acknowledgement of the 200,000 dead, because "reasons." — Buzzfeed

"Death panels" vs. 200,000 dead. At Fox News, it's no contest. (MediaMatters)

Remember last week when we learned the USPS was ready to send five masks to every US household last April? Dan Froomkin would like to know where the goddamn followup is please. (Salon)

Don't be pussies, Dems, here's shit you can throw in the works, and nobody is rewarding you for "restraint." But they said it boringer. — The New Republic

Here's how Nancy Pelosi could be DASTARDLY if the election got thrown to the House. Not holding my breath about it! But what do I know! (Washington Post)

Apropos: Our sorta Dem-ish friend who married a Trumper is PISSED about coronavirus and the people who won't FUCKING take it seriously ... and both sides, for "politicizing" it. So just fucking do it already, if you sneeze they'll say it's "partisan" anyway.

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Media/Entertainment

Atlanta Exotic Dancers Shamelessly Objectify Voting In 'Get Your Booty To The Poll' PSA

Also, it's pissing off some wingnuts. BONUS!

Well here's a change from the usual Get Out The Vote ad. No fifes, tricorn hats, or patriotic mush here, just several Atlanta-based exotic dancers who want people to think about voting, because "it's more than just the president on the ballot, right?" Exactly.

One of the women asks, "So … you're really not gonna vote?" She does not approve of your indifference, because there are a lot of other offices whose occupants can make a serious difference in your life, so for godssake "Get your booty to the poll."

Twerking at the poll is optional. (Video contains no nudity but may not be safe for all workplaces, because strippers.)

Get it? They are POLL DANCING.

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coronavirus

Who Wants To Watch Dr. Fauci Sh*t On Rand Paul And Call Him A Bad Doctor?

Ophthalmologist? More like ophthaLOLogist!

Wanna watch a SUREFIRE HIT VIDEO? We have you one! Rolling Stone is gonna be pretty mad it already released its new 500 bestest albums of all time list, because Dr. Anthony Fauci just dropped a new hit record on Kinda Sorta Dr. Rand Paul's face!

It is called "I Am Too Polite To Say This, But I Don't Think This Dipshit Is A Real Doctor."

Rand Paul, a doctor, was very mad that Dr. Fauci kept saying New York's response to the coronavirus was so great. "New York had the highest death rate in the world," exclaimed Paul, who says he is good at ophthalmologizing, which is too a real word, but we would never trust Rand Paul with our eyes.

(Even the one that we are blind in.)

(Especially that one, because we couldn't see the very good doctor coming at us with his instruments to bite him if he tried anything funny.)

SUREFIRE HIT VIDEO RIGHT HERE:

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