BUY GOLD (Pebbles From Conspiracy Theory Sock Company)

Conspiracy theories
BUY GOLD (Pebbles From Conspiracy Theory Sock Company)

Since the dawn of conservative media, rightwing pundits and conspiracy theorists have been shilling for silver and gold coins. These coins, they assure listeners, are going to save them in the event of a massive economic collapse or apocalypse — when suddenly all other money will become totally worthless.

It's never been entirely clear how this would play out, but clearly it is something people are more than willing to fall for. Glenn Beck, Bill O'Reilly, Ben Shapiro, Steve Bannon and others have all been or are still sponsored by these companies, which have loomed large on Fox News for decades. You would think after years and years of this, after several economic downturns, that people would have figured out that we're probably not headed for a major apocalyptic event in which gold and silver become the only acceptable currency. Alas, no.

Stew Peters, the white nationalist internet talk show host responsible for pushing the latest COVID conspiracy — the one about how it's actually caused by Satanic snake venom in the water — is following in their footsteps and also shilling for a number of gold and silver companies on his Telegram channel.

And one of them also sells poorly made QAnon novelty socks (and Stew Peters merchandise), which just screams "reputable company."

Yes, for just $17.76 (GET IT?), you can get socks that say "STEP ON Pedophiles Adrenochrome Traffickers Pedowood."

Probably anyone that would buy these socks would be a great mark for this kind of con.

Now, while most of these gold companies merely sell gold and silver coins, this one sells "Patriot Pearls" — tiny gold pebbles they claim one can use to buy bread, instead of having to use a whole ass gold coin at the grocery store.

When the market crashes, only pure gold and silver will carry you through. Why spend your valuable gold coins that will be worth thousands on buying daily commodities such as bread when you can have more convenient pieces of gold to trade? Our pure gold patriot pearls are made so that you have something to spend with a fair value.

Stock up on these fast, you'll never know when the crash will happen.

Probably never! At least not in a way that results in anyone buying a loaf of rye with a golden "Patriot Pearls." Can you just imagine these people showing up at Wegman's trying to use their wee pebbles in the self-checkout? Like "No, this is real gold, for sure. I bought it off of a novelty sock website!" How would anyone even authenticate that? Do they imagine there will be a dedicated person standing by with a scale and a loupe? That seems pretty inconvenient in comparison to debit cards.

The gold pebbles will set you back $650 a quarter ounce, which is in fact $150 more than a quarter ounce of gold currently costs on the US Market. This price also seems to be much higher than the cost of 24 karat gold seed beads, which I think cost me about $25 the last time I bought any.

It's honestly some impressive vertical integration. Make people scared of an evil Satanic snake venom apocalypse and then convince them to spend all of their money on gold and silver pebbles to use in the event of an evil Satanic snake venom apocalypse that are never going to do them any good.

Do your Amazon shopping through this link, because reasons.

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Robyn Pennacchia

Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse


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