This Florida Atheist's Bible Banning Petition Is Goddamn Delightful

This Florida Atheist's Bible Banning Petition Is Goddamn Delightful
Bible Fire Burning - Free photo on Pixabay

Florida, as we all know, has gotten real book-ban happy lately. They've banned piles of math books, they've banned a children's book called "Everywhere Babies" for reasons even the books authors are not sure about, tons of Young Adult Fiction and pretty much anything they've decided mentions racism, sexuality, gender or teaches kids social skills and empathy ("Social Emotional Learning" is the new thing they are upset about). The goal, it seems, is to just ban everyone under 18 from reading any book but the Bible and the collected works of Michael and Debi Pearl.

However, a wrench has just been thrown in that plan. Atheist activist Chaz Stevens has sent a delightful letter to Miami-Dade County asking that the Bible and any book mentioning the Bible be banned on the exact same grounds people want to ban all of the other books.

His complaints include:

1.Age Appropriateness.

As the Bible casually references such topics as adultery and fornication –or as I like to think, Date Night Friday Night –do we really want to teach our youth about drunken orgies?

- For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false witness, slander. -Matthew 15:19

- Let us walk properly as in the daytime, not in orgies and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and sensuality, not in quarreling and jealousy Romans 13:13

2.Bestiality and Rape.

Taking a cue from Florida Statute Ch. 847.001 6(a,b,c), one should consider such discussions to be harmful to minors and obscene.

- Do not have sexual relations with an animal and defile yourself with it. A woman must not present herself to an animal to have sexual relations with it; that is a perversion. - Leviticus 18:23

3. Wokenness.

With the constant babbling concerns about teaching Critical Race Theory, should we not take stock of the Bible’s position on slavery?I am concerned our young white students will read such passages and wake up to civilization’s sordid past.

- Servants, be obedient to them that are your masters according to the flesh, with fear and trembling, in singleness of your heart, as unto Christ; not with eye-service, as men-pleasers; but as the servants of Christ, doing the will of God from the heart; with good will doing service, as to the Lord, and not to men: knowing that whatsoever good thing any man doeth, the same shall he receive of the Lord, whether he be bond or free. - Paul’s Epistle to the Ephesians, VI, 5-7

4.Social-Emotional Learning.

The most troubling of issues for many, as it’s obvious once we teach little Jimmy and Susie to show empathy for their classmates, they’re one giant step closer to getting their LGBTQ+ freak on.

- It is not good enough for man to be alone, therefore, encourage one another and build each other up! - Genesis 2:18

From what I know about the Bible, there is a lot more where all of those came from, especially insofar as it concerns fornication and rape and conception, both immaculate and non. Not to mention all of the questions it could invite about consent and magically impregnating women with ... yourself.

They should also make sure they don't have any books about any saints, cause that could get pretty dicey as well.

St. Agatha holding her breasts on a serving plate Fun fact, there's actually Sicilian pastry thing that is meant to look like St. Agatha's tits, and it is not good.

Also — "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" is the exact sort of woke, Social Emotional Learning that good, decent Republicans are fighting against all over America. The kind of nonsense that destroys our beautiful American tradition of bullying children who are different badly enough so that they move far, far away as soon as they graduate, leaving small towns blissfully free of adult nonconformists. Children don't need to learn "empathy" or "how to navigate social situations" from school. They can learn it from their parents and those that don't will just shoot the school up anyway before they graduate and no one will have to deal with them after that. Just the way God intended.

This is now your open thread!

[Miami New Times]

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Robyn Pennacchia

Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse


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