Michigan QAnon Candidate Saw Goody Beyoncé Consorting With The Devil In The Woodshed

Michigan QAnon Candidate Saw Goody Beyoncé Consorting With The Devil In The Woodshed

There are few things stranger than the fact that we are living in the year 2022 and motherfuckers are still going around crying "Witch!" like it's the 17th century and we're all wearing bonnets and worrying about our wandering wombs.

But there are, indeed, people doing that and some of them are running for office. Like Kristina Karamo, the Republican candidate for Michigan secretary of state.

In addition to hanging around with people like QAnon John, believing that evolution should not be taught in schools, claiming that premarital sex and homosexuality have normalized pedophilia and bestiality (which should come as a big surprise to those of us who are quite sure those things are still both abnormal and verboten), and that leftwing Antifa activists did January 6, Karamo thinks that Beyoncé, Ariana Grande, Billie Eilish, Cardi B., yoga, and Korean dramas are all in league with the Satan, whom she describes as being "super crafty."

Media Matters has helpfully put up a nice collection of her greatest hits, which we're gonna take a look at.

Here's what she had to say about Ariana Grande:

One of the things [unintelligible] most perpetuators of this rise in paganism and witchcraft are celebrities. They are some of the worst offenders of it all. You know, Ariana Grande, she had a song called God is a Woman. She has a song called God is — this is what I'm talking about. Christians got to quit being squeamish. Got to quit being squeamish, folks. Let’s deal with the world we live in and let's fight back and if we want to hide from like, “Ohhh no, that’s too gross, ahhh!” You know, then you're not preparing, you’re not preparing your kids.

Ariana Grande does indeed have a song called "God Is A Woman." It's a bop. It is entirely unclear why anyone's response to that information would be "Ohhh no, that’s too gross, ahhh!" or why they would feel the need to "fight back" against it. I have no idea what it is that Ariana Grande personally believes in, nor do I care, because it is not my business. Personally, if I were to "ew gross" anything, I would "ew, gross" people believing in a deity who was that weirdly obsessed with everyone's sex life. That's kind of pervy, if you ask me.

Karamo also had some thoughts about Billie Eilish.

And then we still have, “Why are young people walking away from the faith?” Because they're under a satanic delusion. You think — or, or Billie Eilish. She has a song called Good Girls Go to Hell. That’s the name of a song. This is what kids are listening to.

Yes, that is probably what is causing young people to walk away from "the faith" and not people going "Ohhh no, that’s too gross, ahhh!" over someone saying God is a woman.

Or people who worry that Jay-Z is a Satanist and it's Beyoncé's fault that one of her students is polytheistic.

I don't talk about my religious beliefs at work because I teach in a secular environment. But if a student asked me my personal opinion, I'm going to be very honest. And I had a student who once said, “Well, you know, I believe there's a bunch of gods.” And that’s what people are gravitating to because, again, witchcraft gives them a sense and paganism gives them a sense of power without conformity to something. It's just follow self.

And we see Beyoncé pushing that more and more. And she's really targeting, trying to target Black people into embracing paganism. And one of the really interesting things is that her husband, Jay-Z, is, many people have said, is a satanist. I believe it to be true. I don’t have any hard proof.

Oh, well she should go looking for that proof, or at least report him to the police on suspicion of practicing a religion other than Christianity.

And then in her, one of her songs, Black Parade, you know, it’s all this talk about, “I’m Oshun and I charge my crystals in the moonlight” and all this, and so I notice a lot of people, a lot of people I know are getting involved into straight up witchcraft because they, “I want to connect with my ancestors and our people weren’t Christian before.” And it’s just — this is what I always say. Satan ain't smart, he is crafty. That joker is super crafty. So how he’s — and paganism. I don't care where you going to [unintelligible]. They all use some kind of rocks and crystals to gain some kind of wisdom and knowledge and power. They all do it. It's not even novel. It's not even new. Come on. Satan, do it, try, do better. But he don't have to do better than most humans are so ignorant. Why? Why? Why should he have to create a new strategy? I mean, it works, so why — if it ain't broke, don't fix it, right? And that's what's going on. So Beyoncé is working overtime to pull more and more Black Americans into paganism and calling it African spirituality. It's hilarious. Actually, it’s not hilarious. It’s sad. It's really sad.

So Satan is crafty and loves crystals? So what? Does he just haunt the aisles of Michael's all day? Hang out in the beading section? Is he the reason I spent $35 in there on flowers and shit to embellish fishnets I will almost definitely tear up the first time I wear them?

Oh my god, he's the one who is responsible for why I can never truly fully deglitter myself, isn't he? And the bags of yarn that I am definitely going to do something with some day? Crafty, crafty Satan.

And Kristina Karamo knows just what he is up to, and also what Satanists are.

The point of the matter is is that entertainers are now marketing satanism and paganism to people. Satanism is on the rise. And you talk to people about satanism, they're like, “Oh, those people are just playing. They're just poking fun at organized religion.” Really? So why do they always try to mock Christianity and mock Jesus? Why don’t they [mock] Islam and Allah? Not going to do that. Why don't they mock Shiva or Brahman? They don't do that. They only mock the one true God. It’s because of Satan.

Or is it because people of those religions are not getting in our faces? People used to mock Hari Krishnas all of the time, and that is because they annoyed them at airports and were always trying to recruit. They don't anymore, because when was the last time anyone even saw one? People mock Scientology on the regular – does that mean we all really do need to be concerned about our body thetans? Is Satan making us demand to know the whereabouts of Shelly Miscavige?

Even if Satanism were on the rise, that is not a problem for those of us who believe in freedom of religion. They're not bothering anyone, certainly nowhere near as much as Good Christians are.

Karamo is also concerned about how people on Korean dramadies are communicating with their ancestors, who she believes are actually demons.

It is so important to know that you're not communicating with no ancestors. Sweetheart, you’re communicating with demons. And this is what we're turning to to cope with life because people don't want God. And the only true way you can cope with life, you can cope with this existence is with Jesus Christ. You can only get through life with the maker of life. And that is God.

So if a fictional person communicates with their fictional ancestor, is that a real demon or a fictional demon?

Yoga is also for demons.

If you start studying other cultures, art, what we consider to be art oftentimes, [unintelligible], “Oh, they're doing this ritual, this dance.” These are all satanic rituals. This is not just dance to dance. It is to summon a demon. Even yoga. The word yoga really means yoke to Brahman. So people are thinking they're doing exercises, no, you're doing actual, a satanic ritual and don't even know it. And that's becomes from our very materialistic worldview that's crept into every corner of our life that someone could be practicing an open, demonic ritual in front of our faces and we’ll be like, “Oh wow, this must be just some kind of cultural dance.” Like, it's not a cultural dance, it's a demonic ceremony. What's wrong with you? But people don't understand that. It’s because our worldview is so skewed.

I would say someone's worldview is skewed, and that it is the lady who thinks everyone else's religion is a Satanic ritual meant to attack her religion. Because that's weird.

Keramo will be running against Democratic incumbent Jocelyn Benson, who won her last election by about nine percentage points. Fingers crossed she can do it again. Besides, it seems as though Kristina Karamo has a far brighter future as a Witchfinder General.

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Robyn Pennacchia

Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse


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