Charlie Kirk's Group Announces Sexiest Man Alive, It Is Obviously Kyle Rittenhouse

Move over, haters, there's a new Aryan Adonis in town. He's barely legal, he's barely acquitted, and he's coming to a campus near you in the fall. Which campus? Errrrr, we'll get to that in a minute.

They had reached the point of the Charlie Kirk Turning Point USA conference where they start announcing which guys are the best to bang, or maybe that's not precisely what they were doing, but the effect was the same, because the announcer said, hey, if you're into dudes, this is the dude to be into. His name? Kyle Rittenhouse.

“I just wanna introduce Kyle by saying this, we talk a lot about [...] I wanted to talk about what kind of man you should be attracted to [...]. Men, your number one goal is to protect your family and to stand strong in the face of opposition from culture and evil. And Kyle Rittenhouse is a man who does that. God bless Kyle Rittenhouse.”

So throw your panties on the stage for a guy who crossed state lines so he could play shooty-shooty in a town that had nothing to do with him, using a penis substitute that's almost taller than he is!

Yes, there is video:

If you'll notice, the entire time, the announcer was petting Kyle Rittenhouse's dog, and that's not a euphemism. And Kyle Rittenhouse, sounding like COVID warmed over, thanked the Turning Point USA people in the audience for being "strong women." And, um, they cheered like they were at a Harry Styles concert, because that's how sad these people are.

Later in the event, JoeMyGod reports that Rittenhouse said he was "inspired by Johnny Depp to sue his online detractors and journalists for defamation." Dunno why he had to wait for Johnny Depp, as Devin Nunes has been suing imaginary cows what hurt his feelings this whole time, should young Kyle be looking for manly role models with thick skin. (Wonkette will have a relevant update for you on that subject later this morning!)

Anyway, point is, the sexiest man alive is Kyle Rittenhouse, and you are probably pregnant now.

But if you're not, take heart, because you'll get your chance this fall when the young buck starts his higher education at one of America's finest institutions of higher learning. Which one? Errrrrrrrrrr.

OK, so back in December, Kyle Rittenhouse said that this spring he would be going to Arizona State University. He said it on the "Louder With Crowder" podcast. To which Arizona State responded, "Mr. Rittenhouse withdrew from the two online courses for which he had signed up; he is welcome to apply for admissions and will be treated as any other applicant would be if and when he does.” (He had taken a "compassionate withdrawal" from two non-degree-seeking online classes he was taking, because reasons.) But Rittenhouse insisted on the podcast, "They came out with a statement saying oh, no no no no, he’s not enrolled at ASU anymore. I’m like, I’m enrolled, I’m just not in any classes. I’m admitted, I have a student portfolio.”

So he won't be at Arizona State, we guess.

But then last week he went on the Charlie Kirk show and he was like WOOOOO-EEEEEEE I'M GONNA BE AN AGGIE! as he announced he was going to Texas A&M in the fall.

He said, "I'm gonna be going there, it's gonna be awesome, beautiful campus, amazing people, amazing food." And Charlie Kirk was so excited for him! And Texas A&M rolled out the welcome mat for him by saying:

But a university official said on Sunday that Rittenhouse isn’t attending. “He has not been admitted as a student this summer or fall,” Texas A&M spokeswoman Kelly Brown said in an email.

Womp womp.

So Kyle had to explain himself. What he MEANT to say was that he is going to another school, a place called Blinn college, which is a "feeder school" for A&M.

Yeah, sure, maybe next year!

And Blinn said that yes, Kyle has applied, but he hasn't been admitted yet. But don't worry! According to the internet, Blinn's acceptance rate is 100 percent!

So perhaps that is where Kyle Rittenhouse will be attending some classes, and where he will be Charlie Kirk's sexiest Aryan man alive. If he is unable to fulfill his duties for some reason, we are sure Kirk will find some white incel in their mom's basement to assume the role.


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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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