Oh No, All Michigan GOP Gov. Candidates Arrested Capitol Rioters, Frauders, Or Just Morons
Pour one out for the Michigan GOP, y'all, because it is just having a hard time getting to the finish line with an actual eligible living human breathing nominee for the position of governor.
Today, Ryan D. Kelley, the leading frontrunner favorite guy for the nod, was arrested and had his house raided on charges related to how he allegedly did a wee spot of terrorist-ing at the US Capitol on January 6. Just misdemeanor stuff, no big, just four itsy bitsy charges. If he's convicted, he might have to go to jail for a year.
He expressed regret as he pulled out of the race for haha just kidding no he didn't pull out, Jesus shit, we bet he gets a bump in the polls from this.
But look, it's fine. He started his campaign saying the Capitol attack where he, per the Washington Post, "waved on mob" and "tore inauguration scaffolding," was an "energizing event." According to the indictment, he was kind of one of the guys telling the other rioters where to go. “As far as going through any barricades, or doing anything like that, I never took part in any forceful anything,” he told MLive back in March of 2021. "Once things started getting crazy, I left."
All of this would just be, again, a wee spot of bother, if it weren't for how everything has been such a shitshow in the GOP primary for Michigan governor. Last month, half of the candidates the primary — FIVE! — got kicked out of the primary because their nominating petitions were full of bullshit signatures. Two of them — James Craig, the former Detroit chief of police, and Perry Johnson, who is a man of business — were leading the race. Just thousands and thousands of fuckin' fraud signatures, because these goddamn fools can't even play fair when they're running against each other.
The Post reports that kicked-off candidates have been in court begging to be reinstated, but it hasn't worked so far.
So the Michigan GOP is left with old Arresty McGillicuddy, plus these four who haven't been arrested or allegedly committed fraud, although the campaign isn't over yet:
In addition to Kelley, the remaining GOP gubernatorial candidates are business executive Tudor Dixon, pastor Ralph Rebandt, former auto dealer Kevin Rinke and chiropractor Garrett Soldano.
Anything you want to tell us about, Tudor or Ralph or Kevin or Garrett, if that is any of your real names?
But again, it's fine. the Michigan GOP is rallying around its boy Ryan Kelley, who got arrested for "Capitol." He has the endorsement of the Michigan Three Percenters militia. He is a Big Lie-believing asshole, he is very mad at the voting machines for saying Joe Biden won, and back in January, he had this one idea for (white Republican) Michigan voters, if they think they see any funny business going on at the polls:
“If you see something you don’t like happening with the machines, and you see something going on, unplug it from the wall,” Kelley said.
So that goes great with all the GOP's other plans for stealing the midterms, many of which are coming directly out of Michigan.
This is what the head the Michigan GOP had to say about it:
\u201cDo people really get their homes raided and arrested in front of their children over a misdemeanor? Democrats are out in force weaponizing our justice system and targeting their political opponents.\u201d— meshawn maddock (@meshawn maddock) 1654792802
And here is what a couple of his opponents had to say about it:
"We extend our prayers to the Kelley family," Soldano tweeted Thursday afternoon. "It’s a sad day in America when the FBI has become an arm of the Democrat Party. Biden’s FBI is busy targeting parents and intimidating Republicans while crime runs rampant across America."
Rinke also tweeted that he's praying for Kelley and his family. [...] "I respect Ryan Kelley and have met him out on the trail. My hope is that the FBI is acting appropriately, because the timing here raises serious questions," Rinke tweeted.
Right, because you know how the FBI is always colluding with the goddamnit these people are fucking morons.
In summary and in conclusion, either this is the day Kelley cinched the nomination, or his opponents are competing to see who can slobber all over him the best, in case he has to pull out for some reason.
Mazel tov, Michigan.
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