Tucker Finds New Reason To Worry About Balls Shrinking, It Is Nicotine Bans

Tucker Carlson has found a new threat to his masculinity, because that's what Tucker does.

The Biden administration has announced that it intends to direct the FDA to develop new rules for maximum nicotine levels in cigarettes and certain cigarette substitutes, to reduce them and thereby make them less addictive. (UPDATE: Uh oh! They just banned Juul.) This would seem like a no-brainer. Anyone familiar with smoking knows it's the nicotine, stupid. It's a drug. People who smoke are addicted to a drug called nicotine. To reduce the levels of nicotine allowed in cigarettes, it would seem, would make the damn things less addictive, and if fewer people are addicted, fewer people develop smoking-related cancers, have heart attacks, and die young.

For Tucker, though, this is all part of the Biden administration's war on his testicles.

Lie down on the couch and cry to us about your balls, Tucker:

Yesterday the FDA announced it's planning to remove virtually all nicotine from cigarettes. Now nicotine is not the thing that gives you cancer. Nicotine is the thing — it's addictive but it also increases mental acuity but they're taking that out. According to the Wall Street Journal, the agency will also ban Juul e-cigarettes. Now what happens when you get off nicotine? Well, your testosterone levels plummet and you gain weight, both of which the administration is for because you become more passive and easier to control.

Jesus Christ, where to begin.

JoeMyGod points out that according to a 2017 profile in the New Yorker, Tucker is a former smoker who eats nicotine gum "constantly." That profile says he gets it "in bulk, from New Zealand, where it is sold in satisfactorily easy-to-open packaging." It says he only stops chewing when he's on TV or filming.

So that's where he's coming from.

Therefore in all fairness, we should provide full disclosure about where we are coming from: This writer personally quit smoking last year after 23 years, and we did it without nicotine substitutes.

So we say this to Tucker, former smoker to former smoker: Grow a dick and fuck off.

Nicotine isn't just addictive, it is insanely addictive, and it is the thing that keeps people sucking on the damn cigarettes for life. But note that what Tucker is really worried about here is testosterone levels, because that is what he is alwaysworried about.

You can Google around to read about whether getting off nicotine really destroys testosterone levels or not — doesn't really seem like it, and certainly not permanently — just as you can read up on what exactly causes weight gain after one quits. Hint: A big part of it is that people substitute snacky snacks for smokes when they quit, so they gain weight. Also, quite simply, nicotine/smoking correlates with a higher resting heart rate, which artificially keeps some people from gaining weight. Of course, such results are reversible for many, and most ex-smokers will tell you that after a while, their bodies get back into the equilibrium they had before they started smoking and nicotine started dictating what their equilibrium should be. (Fun fact: No one ever thought the human body required nicotine to survive before a person started smoking!)

So we guess if the Biden administration is trying to make people gain weight and become passive, as Tucker's scrote is clearly so worried about, they only get a small window with recently quit smokers before everything goes back to normal.

Tucker hosted some wingnut radio host called Vince Coglianese, who whined and spread conspiracy theories about how they were doing this while simultaneously "sending out crackpipes using federal tax dollars." Also something about fentanyl, because America's dumbest whites have a completely braindead conspiracy theory about Joe Biden intentionally sending fentanyl across the southern border to kill the white working class.

Coglianese suggested that those who want to decriminalize pot are also doing so to make people more passive, saying, "So they’ve removed the drugs that make you sharper, and they’re importing the drugs that kill you and make you duller."

Because these guys really think nicotine is making them smart. Bless their hearts.

Tucker whined that “[n]icotine is one of the few remaining pleasures for ordinary people, particularly working class men, and now they’re taking it away."

Tucker, his voice fearfully shrieking into its soprano register, yelped, "Yeah, how about no? You can't take my guns and you can't take my nicotine. That's a hard no on that! Sorry! I don't care what the FDA says! Not gonna happen!"

And he wasn't the only one either. Sean Hannity, in the very next hour, had his own "FUCK IT, WE'LL DO IT LIVE!" moment, where he swore to Jesus that he would vape on air if the FDA bans Juul. (UPDATE: And it did!) Because that's the hill he's gonna die on. Vaping.

Look, quitting smoking and getting off nicotine — or, in our personal experience, getting to the moment where you actually agree to quit — can be insanely hard. And nicotine is the stupidest, dumbest, most garbage drug. All it does is rewire your brain so that you think you need nicotine in order to feel "normal." That's why the cravings come like clockwork as the nicotine levels go down. That's why nicotine is seemingly able to relieve stress and make you relax and make you able to concentrate and get you pumped up and one million other things that strangely seem to always coincide with whatever you need it for. Because all it's doing is giving you the fix your brain thinks you need so you can handle whatever situation you're in.

That's it.

And that's why we say yeah, definitely, regulate the nicotine levels so low you can drown them in a bathtub, then maybe people won't be so hooked on the damn things.

Meanwhile Tucker is over here crying that you'll have to pry the nicotine gum out of his cold dead balls.

Different people handle things differently, we suppose.

[Media Matters]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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