FBI Rips John Eastman's Phone Right Out Of His Fanny Pack Phone Holder

Well golly, it sure does seem like certain entities investigating the Trump-incited terrorist coup of January 6 have a spring in their step right now.

The House January 6 Select Committee has announced an emergency hearing for this afternoon, where it reportedly will be hearing from Mark Meadows's top aide Cassidy Hutchinson, who has testified that she had firsthand knowledge of just about everything -- from discussions of Donald Trump declaring martial law and appointing Sidney Powell as a special counsel, to the GOP congressmen who begged Trump for pardons for what they did January 6, to the criminal fake elector scheme, and everything else.

Last week, the FBI executed a predawn search on the home of Jeffrey Clark, the former DOJ clown Trump was calling "acting attorney general" in the early days of 2021, because of how he was so stupid he believed Trump's Big Lie, unlike overrated haters and losers at DOJ who didn't.

Now it turns out the FBI was doing another very hilarious thing last week, namely seizing the iPhone of coup-plotting memo author John Eastman, the notoriously batshit runner-up to World's Stupidest Trump Lawyer Ever, who steps in when Rudy Giuliani is unable to fulfill his duties because maybe somebody tapped him on the back and it sent him hurtling head-first into a coma.


Eastman disclosed the phone seizure in a court filing in the District of New Mexico, where he is demanding please give him back his iPhone. As he tells it, last Wednesday night, he was leaving a restaurant and the feds took his iPhone. He says he got frisked.

Stop for a second and imagine having to frisk this guy, for your job:


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We could go through the rest of Eastman's filing, all his whining reasons why "give me back phone," but on the other hand, we could do Not That. He does whine that he was "forced" to unlock the phone, with his face.

This happened on the same day as the Jeffrey Clark raid, and we are just glad to see some movement happening here. The FBI was dropping subpoenas and visiting the houses of fake Trump electors all over America that day, too.

If you are like most concerned citizens, you probably have questions about how the FBI conducted the Eastman phone seizure. For instance, was Eastman wearing any kind of special hat as he exited the restaurant, perhaps because the restaurant had some sort of medieval wizard theme? Did he have leftovers? Did the feds ruin his leftover chicky nuggies by throwing them on the ground and letting a police dog eat them? These are important details, for our full enjoyment of these shitholes getting whatever is coming to them.

Luckily, there is video. No chicky nuggies appear to have been harmed, but you get to see the FBI make that stupid traitor loser put his arms up on top of his head while he whines "I'd like to see the warrant" over and over again. They show him the warrant. Please note that John Eastman wears his phone, like, in his belt, like, in a fanny pack phone holder.


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Place this man in jail please, for "fanny pack phone holder."

The end.

[CNN]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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