Louie Gohmert Got To Talk About Whatever He Wanted Yesterday!

Y'all, we feel like Rep. Louie Gohmert, Republican of Texas, is always having a day, but he really had a day yesterday.

Congress was having that time when members are allowed to walk up to any old microphone and say any old words. Even the Republicans! They get to talk and talk and talk and say all the words that come to mind. If they want to work through their feelings, they can do that. If they want to say whatever conspiracy theories they've got on their minds, that's fine. If they want to tell a funny story about a clown they met one time who tickled their funny bone, oh boy, you've never seen a clown like this, they can talk about it!

Nobody does cancel culture to them, and the woke mob cannot find them there.

So Louie Gohmert got up there yesterday and well, darnit, he wanted to talk about his good friends Diamond and Silk, because they were all chatting one day recently, like they do, Louie and Diamond and Silk, and they said, oh golly, Louie, we paid the internet extra money to make our names show up more often, but their names didn't show up more often, and not only that, there was an algorithm that sent names to the bottom of the search results, and "THAT'S CALLED FRAUD."

Louie Gohmert is an important law-talkin' man, who knows of what he speaks when he says "THAT'S CALLED FRAUD" about the algorithms Diamond and also Silk witnessed with their own eyes.

What's called fraud, Louie?


After that, well, Louie's brain continued to meander around and around and around, and for some reason it landed on the God's Honest Truth that Louie knows, which is that Donald Trump did not collude with Russia to steal the 2016 election from Hillary Clinton, HILLARY CLINTON colluded with Russia to steal the election from Hillary Clinton.

Everybody knows that, it's not just a thing that happened, it's also a thing that makes sense.

And lest you forget why Louie knows that, you should remember that Louie Made A Chart based on Louie Did His Own Research, look at his chart, it is a good chart, they let him use all different colors in the activity room and the nice people at the home said his was the best of all the charts:

Two helpings of macaroni and cheese were given to Louie at dinner that night.

So then Louie's brain meandered around and around and around some more, and 'fore you know it, he was talkin' about what all the other white conservative talkers have been talkin' about with the heat wave and the elites at the cocktail parties tryin' to say there's global warmin' NO IT AIN'T and Al Gore doesn't even believe in global warmin' because he rides on a private jet you think he'd ride a private jet if he believed global warmin' was real NO IT AIN'T and in the old days the rich people were on the horses and they were on the carriages and HERE'S YOUR INCONVENIENT TRUTH, AL, now they're on the private jets sayin' nobody can use a wood-barnin' stove YES WE TYPED WOOD-BARNIN' and you think Louie's not gonna use his wood-barnin' stove just because of a little heatwave NO IT AIN'T!

None of these are actual quotes, unless they got quote marks around them, because Louie Gohmert is too dumb and we like to spice it up because we're fuckin' dicks.

But our funny versions capture the spirit of Louie's talkin' A HUNNERD PERCENT.

The end.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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