John Roberts Begged Brett Kavanaugh Not To Hurt America, But He Did It Anyway

CNN has a story this week that brings a little bit of closure, or at least more of an explanation, to the machinations happening behind the scenes in the Supreme Court leading up to the leak of Samuel Alito's late night Penthouse letters to the Virgin Mary about how he thinks abortion is very stinky.

Not a surprise: It does not appear the leak came from the liberal side, but rather specifically from the conservative side, so we'll look forward to floor speeches from Republican senators saying that on second thought, maybe the leaker should not be executed for treason. Because fuck off, first of all, and also because there actually isn't any law against leaking what Sam Alito writes with his right hand while his left hand is doing other activities, allegedly, even if the letterhead says "Supreme Court Of The United States of America" at the top.

Of course, everybody with a brain settled pretty quickly on the theory that the leak came from somewhere on the conservatives' side. Why? Because of the small matter of the Wall Street Journal editorial that showed up mere days before the opinion was leaked. The OG leak appears to have been to them. As Wonkette wrote in May:

[T]he first leak here appears to have been to the Wall Street Journal at least a week before Alito's dirty talk showed up in Politico. That, or the Journal was just a very good guesser when it started writing all kinds of editorial page nonsense about how it was their "guess" that Alito would write the opinion, and the Court was probably going to overturn Roe, except for how Roberts was trying to make justices do more moderate abortion bans with him, which the Journal was just insinuating would be VERY BAD just like it was when he changed his mind and voted with the libs on Obamacare in 2012.

And then the leakin' just went on and on and on!

And on and on and on! And now we're hearing confirmations of the stories of the leaks about the leaks about the leaks.

Now, let's square that with what CNN's report this week says:


  • John Roberts tried very hard to get somebody on his side to do a baby-splitting (HAHAHA) King Solomon kinda thing, where Mississippi's 15-week ban on abortion was upheld, but narrowly, and Roe was not actually overturned, just gutted to death. Which squares with the Wall Street Journal, which just casually suggested maybe Roberts was trying to turn a justice to his middle way. (Honest to God, go back and read that editorial again based on everything that's happened, and marvel at the sheer fucking audacity of these goddamned people, as they leak back and forth into each other's arsheholes then express outrage when somebody suggests any of them might not be entirely on the up-and-up.)
  • The new-ish tidbit here is that it was Brett Kavanaugh that Roberts was trying to sway, or at least trying the hardest with. We saw quite a lot of speculation to that effect the last couple of months. So that speculation was also correct.
  • Conservatives knew what Roberts was doing, because of his past behavior. See again: that WSJ editorial.
  • Uh-oh, the draft leak stopped that campaign in its tracks! And CNN says it doesn't seem likely Kavanaugh was ever really poised to make the switch anyway so fuck it.

And the rest is history. John Roberts didn't get the middle way ruling he wanted, he wrote his opinion alone, and Samuel Alito, Clarence Thomas, Neil Gorsuch, Brett Kavanaugh and Amy Coney Barrett have declared themselves the Five True Owners of all the genitals in America capable of expelling babies. Maybe they will divvy them up by region or something, the way they do with federal judicial districts.

"My uterus needs to talk to somebody about the ectopic pregnancy that's threatening to kill us all."

"You're in Tennessee? OK, well, you'll have to see Neil about that."

And why'd they do this? Because they could. Because they adhere to primitive piggish religious beliefs, and they think those beliefs should control everyone. Because most of them were jammed onto the Supreme Court by presidents who didn't win the popular vote. Because two of them sit in seats that were outright stolen, appointed by an illegitimate president. Because one of them is a credibly accused sexual harasser and another one is a credibly accused sexual predator. Because a couple of them outright lied to the Senate and to the American people to get their jobs.

It's just all so fucking on brand.

[CNN]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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