That $8 Billion Kansas Abortionplex From The Onion, But Instead It's A Fake Texas Clinic For Jesus

Do you know what "crisis pregnancy centers" are? More accurately called "fake clinics," they're religious flea market stands that set up, usually in close proximity to abortion clinics, for the sole purposes of tricking patients into going to the wrong clinic so they can lie to patients and/or scare them and/or otherwise convince them not to get abortions. They goose Google search results so that they'll appear at the top of the results when people search out abortion services, instead of real abortion clinics.

They tell patients lies about abortion causing breast cancer, or that they will be infertile, or that they will die, or they try to convince them that most people who have abortions regret them.

They offer free ultrasounds and pregnancy tests. But it's kind of one of the only "medical" things most of them can do, since they're usually not staffed with a bunch of real medical professionals, if any are present at all.

This is a good resource that explains what fake clinics do and where they are. There are more of them in America than there are real abortion clinics, and that was true before the fall of Roe. They're so bad, and we've only just scratched the surface. "Evil" is an appropriate word.

And as you can imagine, they are doing cartwheels right now, because they're set to become one of the only games in town in America's most fascist states, where clinics must now shut down or move because Sam Alito, Clarence Thomas, Brett Kavanaugh and the others gleefully took their turn abusing women and pregnant people in a state-sanctioned way with their Dobbs ruling.

How Evil?

This evil (gift link!):

If they can get an “abortion-minded” woman to have a conversation, [Jana Pinson, executive director of the Pregnancy Center of the Coastal Bend in Corpus Christi, Texas] feels confident that the center’s staff can change her mind. In their counseling sessions, Pinson says, they “pour into girls,” persuading them that, no matter the obstacles in their lives, they can become successful mothers.

Pinson welcomes even the most devastating cases.

“I’ve seen a lot of 13-year-olds do phenomenal, absolutely phenomenal,” she said. “It doesn’t have to be a negative thing.”

Note that it's the Washington Post there that used the word "devastating." The vile piece of garbage who runs the fake clinic used the words "phenomenal, absolutely phenomenal," about 13-year-olds being forced to carry pregnancies to term. Pinson said she followed the story of the 10-year-old girl in Ohio, a victim of rape who was denied care and whose doctor in Indiana has become a rightwing punching bag, because she provided medical care. Pinson said she would have pushed that child toward adoption.

Because fundamentalist Christians love children like pedophiles love children. Ooh, don't like it when we say things like that? Fuckin' prove us wrong.

The whole Washington Post report about Pinson and her clinic is disgusting. While tens of millions of people spent June panicking as they watched a bunch of illegitimate partisan hacks in robes announce that they were closing escrow on every child-bearing uterus in the country, Pinson was meeting with architects and picking tiles for the big clinic expansion they were going to do now that the Supreme Court was giving them a free pass to hurt people with their primitive religious beliefs and their guttural hatred of everyone who doesn't conform with what they believe their angry, thin-skinned God requires.

Right next tothe local Texas A&M campus, looking out over the Oso Bay, Pinson’s $10 million crisis pregnancy center will be built to attract female undergraduates, with a coffee shop and a thrift store visible from the road, and a patio where students can sip their caffè lattes.

Chuck Anastos, the architect, gestured to the blueprint for the 20,000-square-foot facility. When it opens in February 2024, he said, the pregnancy center would be the “hip place for people to come.”

Yeah, you betcha, the fake abortion clinic is the hottest fuckin' place in town. Don't you want to go hang out with whatever Christian youth group dorks sit on the patio at the fake abortion clinic and drink coffee and talk about their unspoken prayer requests to stop masturbating? (If you understand that joke, you understand it.)

Meanwhile, people who actually need abortions will be doing everything in their power to flee to states where that's still legal, or they'll try to get abortion pills through the mail. If finances are an issue, hopefully they'll find an abortion fund that can help. And yes, some will attempt to induce abortions in very unsafe ways, and people will die.

As the Post explains, these garbage people and their garbage clinics get taxpayer money to spread their lies. In Texas, it's $100 million, which the legislature passed in 2021 at the same time it was banning almost all abortions and putting a legal bounty on the heads of patients and providers and anyone else deemed to have "aided and abetted" an abortion. This particular fake clinic got $776,000 in public money last year, per the Post.

Don't Hide Your Six Flags Over NoBortions Theme Park Under A Bushel, Y'all!

Weirdly, though, the story says Pinson and her group aren't exactly broadcasting to the local Corpus Christi community what this NoBortions Coffee Shop, Bar & Grille and Imitation Putt Putt really is. Indeed, it's suggested that the coffee shops and the cornhole courts and all the rest are part of the deception, to hide that it's a fake clinic:

“They want to camouflage what their mission really is with iced coffee and a thrift shop,” said Molly Davis, a sophomore at Texas A&M in Corpus Christi, who leads Islander Feminists, an abortion rights group that plans to protest Pinson’s new building.

That is definitely how real medical clinics work.

But for serious, y'all, look at all the amenities!

The facility will have nine counseling rooms, six sonogram rooms and a “man cave” with a pool table, where men will be approached by a certified marriage counselor as they wait for the women they impregnated.

Just a place where guys who impregnated ladies and then brought them to the fake clinic, maybe under false pretenses, can be guys who impregnated ladies and then brought them to the fake clinic, maybe under false pretenses. Boys just love a "man cave." Ooh, maybe they can have a place with some video games and a big TV to show rasslin' matches!

A few years from now, Pinson thought they might add a kayak launch and a few chairs beneath the palm trees, so women could spend an afternoon of reflection looking out at the bay.

And then maybe some fuckin' white water rapids and a tire swing, to remind us of our lord and savior Jesus Christ, who probably would like to put on his swimmy trunks for a little outdoor playtime after a hard day of forcing pregnant people to stay that way with lies and deception. How about a roller coaster with twists and turns and sudden drops, which mimic the emotional roller coaster of fear, distress and physical illness pregnant people go through when they find out they're going to be forced to birth their rapists' babies?

And as we saw above, at THIS fake abortion clinic theme park, there won't be any of those pesky "you must be this tall to ride" signs!


That'll Be Enough Helpful Suggestions From Wonkette, THANKYEW.

The story says Pinson's clinic is about to really amp up its "abortion reversal" program, so that's cool. You will be shocked to learn that "abortion reversal" is just another lie told by fundamentalist Christians in fake clinics and you can't actually un-abortion yourself.

Also, at Pinson's fake clinic, they push them into Bible study classes, and in exchange they get "points" for diapers and for baby clothes for the forced births they're going to have to endure. Praise Jesus!

Read the whole thing, as they say on the internet. It does a good job of explaining what shameless fucking liars these people are, just by telling the story of this Pinson asshole. It just reads like "hey this is me and these are my lies and this is how I deceive people in crisis and this is my forked tongue and here is a spreadsheet of how many people my clinic hurts in a typical year now, but when we put in the fuckin' water slide, HOO BOY."

These are the worst people in God's entire creation.

[Washington Post]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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