I'm Sam Alito And I Will F*ck Up Kansas For Voting In Favor Of Abortion Rights

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I'm Sam Alito And I Will F*ck Up Kansas For Voting In Favor Of Abortion Rights

Hi, I’m Supreme Court Justice Sam Alito, and I would like to know what the fuck you people think you are doing.

Especially you people in Kansas. Yo! Kansas! I’m talking to you, you barbecue-gobbling honkies!

What the hell? I showed you people the way! I said you could get rid of abortion! And did you? Noooooooo. First time it comes to a vote, and vast majorities of you (curls lips into sneer) Methodists say no, we’d like to keep the option, thank you.

I don’t get it. You were the first state out of the gate in this abortion-free world that I, in my mighty beneficence, have granted unto you. And you weirdos said, meh. And not by a little. By a lot!

What’s that? No, I would not like to turn down the volume, everyone else waiting in line at this DMV will just have to deal.


I said, there is no right in the federal Constitution to an abortion. Did you not hear me? I was really snarly about it! I went over to Rome and bragged to the fucking VATICAN about how awesome my decision was, and how all the world leaders criticizing me were dopey little pissheads who were losing elections because they disagreed with me! I mocked both the Canadian and the French prime ministers! Americans love mocking the Canadians and the French! They should be renaming the Washington Cathedral after me!

Then you corn-sucking mayonnaise swillers turn around and stab me in the back! Me, Samuel J. Alito!

Okay, fine, it wasn’t the Vatican, it was just a Notre Dame-sponsored event near the Vatican. Whatever, the pope knew who I was talking to.

Whew. Breathe, Sam, breathe. We do still let people vote for stuff in this country, you can’t just turn the place into a theocracy with a snap of your fingers. Yet.

No, I do not care that some of you have your children here with you today because another COVID outbreak shut down daycare. You should have thought of that before I needed to renew my driver’s license.

Do you have any idea how bad this is? It’s so bad that Peggy fucking Noonan, whose toes have not touched solid earth since the first time she mixed vodka and Quaaludes, is saying reasonable things about our pro-life movement overstepping and trying to do too much and needing to compromise with the pro-abortion crowd. Peggy Noonan! A woman who sometimes hallucinates that ancient Jewish metaphors are hanging out in her apartment! This is the person calling for actual democracy around this issue!

Bah, democracy. Here I’ve been working so darn hard to get rid of it, and you rock-chalk-Jayhawk jerks give it a victory.

What the hell does “rock chalk Jayhawk” even mean. Sounds like something Shel Silverstein scribbled on a cocktail napkin while he was shrooming.

Hey, don’t yell at me. Go yell at that DMV worker who’s ignoring this insanely long line. Yo, lady! What gives! I know you’re not back there exercising your right to make a private decision about reproductive care, so what else you got going on?

Goddamn tomahawk-choppingcabbage eaters. How could you let all those women express their anger by registering to vote in record numbers, and then turning out on Tuesday to make me look bad? Do I need to take a look at the 19th Amendment next? Because I will do that. You can all wear white after Labor Day from now until the heat death of the universe, I’ll still declare that puppy unconstitutional before you can say “Alice Paul’s knickers, what the hell was that!”

Ma’am, you stop your little snot-fingered brat’s crying or I’ll go after child labor laws next.

You damned sunflower-humping ingrates have put a crimp in my plan to roll America back to the 1850s. Okay sure, that wasn’t a great decade for Kansas, I’ll grant you that. But thanks to me and my fellow gun jockeys on the Supreme Court, you’ll be able to own much more powerful guns this time around.

You people have no idea the plans I have for you. Shoot, you want to be done with DMVs so we can all get out of here right now? Someone file a lawsuit, there’s nothing in the Constitution about states having the right to regulate vehicle operation.

Goddamn Kansas.

[NPR / Slate]

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