Good Morning, Donald Trump. Welcome To F*cking Around And Finding Out!
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That wailing sound you hear is every Republican between here and the new condominium community between Viktor Orban's buttcheeks just SCREAMING that if they can do this to Donald Trump, they can do it to YOU TOO!



To which we reply that yes, if you have spent the last six years committing 34 crimes before breakfast every single day, many of them in plain fucking sight, and if you in a very public way incited a terrorist attack against America to overturn a free and fair election because you were too much of a scaredy chickenshit to admit you were a fucking loser, then yes, it is possible that at some point the law might start to catch up to you.

The FBI carried out a legal search warrant at Donald Trump's Mar-a-Lago trash palace in Palm Beach yesterday. (And no, Ron DeSantis, and you too, fucking Maggie Haberman, we are not suddenly calling Mar-a-Lago "MAL" like we have been using that as an acronym this whole time, places where Don Jr. and Eric probably still get accident boners in the swimming pool don't get code names like they're fucking military installations.)

We now live in a world where the FBI has raided the home of a former president of the United States. If we were worried Attorney General Merrick Garland didn't have the heavy swinging testicles to do what needed to be done here, that bird has now flown, that Rubicon has been crossed, there's no going back.


What's funny about this is that when the news first came out, we didn't know exactly what investigation or investigations this might have been related to. It could have been anything, really. Trump's incitement of the terrorist attack on January 6? Trump's participation in the fake elector scheme to overturn the election? Something else we might not have been thinking of? Turns out it's reportedly about all those boxes of classified documents Trump shoved under his armpit when he left DC in shame and ran away to Mar-a-Lago to cry. We learned in May that a grand jury had been impaneled in that affair. Something about that investigation has gotten so bad that it was time to carry out an FBI raid while Trump was out of town. (He's in New York right now, unless he's slithered off somewhere else since last night.)

Long block quote to get us all up to speed:

Searching a former president’s property to look for possible evidence of a crime is highly unusual and would require approval at the top levels of the Justice Department. It represents a historic moment in Trump’s tortured relationship with the Justice Department, both in and out of the White House. [...]

Some of the materials Trump took included letters and notes from foreign leaders, such as North Korea’s Kim Jong Un.

The inventory of unclassified items in the boxes that were recovered earlier this year from Mar-a-Lago is roughly 100 pages long, according to a person familiar with that document. Descriptions of items that were improperly taken to Mar-a-Lago include a cocktail napkin, a phone list, charts, slide decks, letters, memos, maps, talking points, a birthday dinner menu, schedules and more, this person said, speaking on the condition of anonymity to discuss details of the ongoing investigation.

There is a separate inventory for just the classified materials that were taken to the former president’s Florida residence, this person said. If the unclassified version of the classified inventory were organized in the same way as the inventory of nonclassified items, it would be about three pages long, according to this person.

“It’s important to note that volume is only one way to quantify the documents that were taken,” the person added. “But just one page — or one portion of highly sensitive information — being improperly released can cause great national security harm.”

As for classification level, they range from confidential to top-secret to special handling categories, the person added.

That seems bad!

His statement is so melodramatic and amazing. Here's the whole thing, we will make fun of specific lines and kick the old piece of shit while he's down below that:



"These are dark times for our nation," he begins somberly, like anyone God loves thinks something inappropriate has happened here. "[M]y beautiful home," he whines, "is currently under siege, raided, and occupied by a large group of FBI agents." They were reportedly there all day. This is what happens when a judge agrees that there is probable cause to believe they'll find evidence of crimes and that they need to go in there and get it now.

Trump whines about the "Radical Left Democrats" in the Justice Department and FBI, which is factcheck run by the guy he appointed to the position. He claims this is only happening because Democrats are terrified of running against him in the midterms and in 2024.

This chunk is pretty funny:



Such an assault could only take place in broken, Third-World Countries. Sadly, America has now become one of those Countries, corrupt at a level not seen before. They even broke into my safe!

Musta been something good in there, if the judge let 'em into the safe!

What is the difference between this and Watergate, where operatives broke into the Democrat National Committee? Here, in reverse, Democrats broke into the home of the 45th President of the United States.

Yes, indeed, what is the difference? Does he think the Watergate burglars had a warrant? Does he think this is really the "reverse" of the illegal burglary that really kicked off the Watergate scandal, which was actually about the targeting of political enemies? Do any of the words this man says even mean anything?

The political persecution of President Donald J. Trump has been going on for years, with the now fully debunked Russia, Russia, Russia Scam, Impeachment Hoax #1, Impeachment Hoax #2, and so much more, it just never ends. It is political targeting at the highest level!

The Russia scandal has been confirmed,confirmed, confirmed. That's how Trump got himself installed in office in 2016. The first impeachment was because Trump tried to extort a foreign country into helping him steal the 2020 election, and when he lost that election anyway, he tried to overturn that election, up to and including inciting a terrorist attack on America for that purpose, which led to the second impeachment.

Funny how literally every one of these stories is about how he wasn't good enough or smart enough or goshdarnit people like him enough to get it done on the strength of his own bootstraps.

Hillary Clinton was allowed to delete and acid wash 33,000 E-mails AFTER they were subpoenaed by Congress. Absolutely nothing has happened to hold her accountable. She even took antique furniture, and other items from the White House.

OK, cool, senile masturbations about Hillary Clinton, is it afternoon wall ketchup time at the adult daycare yet?

So that statement was cool.

The Republican bellyaching and couch-fainting have only just begun in response. This one made us giggle:

House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy (R-Calif.), who is poised to possibly become speaker should Republicans win the majority in November’s midterm elections, vowed to launch oversight investigations into the Justice Department.

“The Department of Justice has reached an intolerable state of weaponized politicization,” he said on Twitter. “Attorney General Garland, preserve your documents and clear your calendar.”

Yeah, Merrick Garland, preserve your documents! Don't, like, take 'em to Mar-a-Lago and hide 'em or anything.

Did we mention yesterday was the anniversary of Nixon's resignation?

This is going to get so fun.

[Washington Post]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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