Sounds Like Whatever Trump Stole Was Baaaaaaaaaaaaaad

The strangest thing started happening yesterday.

The very legal and very cool search the FBI carried out at Donald Trump's Mar-a-Lago didn't even happen two full days ago, and already the former president's people have abandoned any pretense that investigators wouldn't find anything incriminating there. Now, we all seem to agree that the FBI is going to find some shit in the boxes it took away Monday. And based on what Trump's people are saying, we are guessing whatever the FBI found is extremely bad, like blow your fucking mind bad, like new level of treason we hadn't even imagined yet bad.

VERY LEGAL Good Morning, Donald Trump. Welcome To F*cking Around And Finding Out!

Why? Because suddenly everybody closest to Trump seems to agree the FBI has planted evidence. It's like they're all trying to prepare us for the type of revelation that will lead people to call for the man to be hanged on live television as Super Bowl halftime show entertainment.

Newt Gingrich and Charlie Kirk accused the FBI of it yesterday. Steve Bannon went on an extended verbal meth binge (allegedly!) about how the FBI was preparing to assassinate Trump (no, silly, that's the 87,000 new IRS mathlete paratroopers), and then suggested the FBI was planting evidence.

So far, so bugfuck.

But then Trump's clown college lawyers started getting in on the action, including the former One America News host lawyer who was present for the FBI raid, Christina Bobb. She acted like she was saying she doesn't think the FBI planted evidence, she just thinks they'll lie about what they found, but she's not saying they didn't plant evidence. She also complained that the FBI wouldn't let her watch everything they did.

“No, there is no security that something wasn’t planted,” the lawyer said. “I’m not saying that’s what they did.”

Ooh, sinister.

That was yesterday afternoon. Then, last night, clown lawyer Alina Habba said it right out loud to Jesse Watters: "Quite honestly, I'm concerned that they may have planted something!" She added, "At this point, who knows? I don’t trust the government, and that’s a very frightening thing as an American.” Oh go fuck yourself, asshole.

Again, these are lawyers for the former president.

Hey, anybody else? Oh hi, Fox News's Jesse Watters! You are on the same page as well?

“What the FBI is probably doing is planting evidence, which is what they did during the Russia hoax,” Watters asserted, pejoratively referring to the investigation into Russian meddling in the 2016 election, a habit among Fox’s primetime hosts. “We also have a hunch they doctored evidence to get the warrant.”

Uh oh, the private eye detectives at Fox News have a hunch! Jesse Watters should look into it, as long as he's not too busy letting the air out of any women's tires and calling it flirtation.

CHIVALRY! Fox News's Jesse Watters Let Air Out Of Woman's Tires, Called It Courtship

Watters was really wilding out when he was interviewing Lindsey Graham:

Again, this is a lot of people, and they are all getting on the same page fast. And would you lookie there who decided to weigh in early this morning?

So, the question remains: what state secrets did Donald Trump steal, and quite frankly, which American enemies was he planning on giving them to or, perhaps more likely, selling for forgiveness of his billion-dollar-plus debts? You know, allegedly.

The feds reportedly seized at least 10 more boxes of papers from Mar-a-Lago on Monday. Trump doesn't understand computers, but we are just noting that if he had an accomplice, he could also have taken any number of state secrets on external hard drives, which fit easily in safes, like the one Trump was bitching that the FBI broke into. Hard drives would also fit in boxes. We are just spitballing here. (The clown lawyer Bobb says the feds "seized paper," for whatever that's worth, and since she works for Trump and worked for OAN, we imagine her word is worth nothing.)

At this point, honestly, our minds are spinning with possibilities. How was he planning to betray America next?

As we all should know by now, there is no low too low, no crime we should ever put past the man, and it would be the height of naivete to expect any loyalty to country from him. We should be ready to be literally blown back up against a wall when we find out what he was harboring. Lotta people in his inner circle seem to be working overtime to soften the blow right now.

What are they trying to get us ready for?

[Daily Beast]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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