Anti-Abortion Utah Councilman Knows Placenta Facts. You Think You Know Placenta Facts? Wrong.

Right Wing Extremism
Anti-Abortion Utah Councilman Knows Placenta Facts. You Think You Know Placenta Facts? Wrong.

Dave Alvord, certified placenta educator (pic via his dumb Facebook)

It is about time we had some goddamned science around here and Salt Lake County, Utah, Councilman Dave Alvord is here to provide it.

Vice President Kamala Harris made a statement a few days ago about women and their "own bodies" and Mr. Alvord cleared his throat, cracked his knuckles, and mansplained:

"The baby is not part of the body of a woman," said Dave.

He could have stopped there and perhaps have had some kind of tenuous but vaguely arguable point about a fetus not being technically part of its host. Of course he would lose that argument, because we'd just say "Fine, let the little motherfucker get a job and get its own apartment, we'll see how much of a so-called person that fetus really is. Stupid fetus, disrespectful little shit." Yep, that's what we'd say.

But Dave Alvord was not deterred. "The umbilical chord and placenta do not directly connect to the woman." WHAT? "The baby floats inside the woman." WHAT WHAT WHAT? Does fetus float in uterus like spaceman doing 360s reaching for baloney rolls and pieces of Jell-O in a rocket ship? IS FETUS CONNECTED TO HOST LIKE BLUETOOTH?

Because if it's not directly connected to the host body, how in the actual fuck does it get nutrients and oxygen and other things that keep it "alive"?

We'll ignore the thing about Black babies, because that's one of those things white Republicans say to try to trick people into thinking they're on the side of Black people. It's kinda like when they incessantly repeat the only Martin Luther King, Jr., quote they know. ("Content of character," etc.)

On Tuesday, somebody was like "Um, Dave?" And Dave was like UM WHAT and just kept saying science:

Technically the pregnant person doesn't own the placenta because technically it is a new organ and that means technically it is the property of GOD and JESUS and JOSEPH SMITH and THE ANGEL MORONI and who the fuck knows, we are trying to figure it out along with everybody else. Is there title insurance for these goddamned things?

Because that does seem to be the entire crux of this redneck's argument, that the pregnant person could not possibly hold the deed on a developing fetus if it has its own DNA, therefore white men need to rush into people's underpants on white horses and defend said fetuses in the name of, dunno, God, we guess. (As always there's no mention of the gabillions of abortions God does every year. Fertilized eggs that never implant, for example.)

The Salt Lake Tribune tried to find out what kind of backwards upside down Mormon science textbook this idiot is getting his information about How Is Babby Made from, and he gave the most Utah-polite answer in the entire world:

Asked Wednesday about where Alvord got his information, whether he stands by the comments, the backlash he’s faced online — and what he thinks about one abortion-access advocate calling his tweet “seriously uninformed,” the Republican council member declined to respond.

“It appears this is a story about social media, so it seems more appropriate we leave it there,” Alvord said in a text message. “I’ll tweet a response on Twitter. Thanks for your consideration and allowing me the chance to respond.”

Thank you for your consideration. Now I will go forth and idiot some more!

And he did.

A real doctor tried to help. Oh, she tried.

But nevertheless Dave persisted:

Oh lordy, he persisted:

Dave is really under the impression he's explained "placenta" to a whole new generation, isn't he? Fucking placenta genius over here, bet his attic is just fucking full of tri-fold science fair projects about "placenta."

Just FYI, so you know a little more about BabyEinstein McPlacentaKnower up here, this is a thing he posted and then deleted on Facebook last year. (You can read more about that whole local controversy here.)

"The left won't be happy until we each have light brown skin, are exactly alike, (or else there will remain someone whiter than another).

"They won't be happy until there are no males, no females, and we each have the same muscle mass, brains, talent, and energy.

"They won't be happy until we each live in the same sized residential pod, and will still get angry if somebody paints their pod better than another, or adds a wing to their pod.

"They won't be happy until we are all bi-sexual and in non-committed relationships. If they see you pair off, in any arrangement, they will say you're being too exclusive and elitist.

"They won't be happy until we have no children, and simply have new humans arrive in labs and immediately put into a school for collectivism and indoctrination.

"They won't be happy until we see our population decline to the equity with the spotted owl or the exotic salamander.

"They won't be happy until no one smiles more than another, no one laughs more than another. They won't be happy until there are no jokes, since most humor derives from human foibles in one way or another.

"They won't be happy until we are as miserable as they are.

"The truth is, they won't ever be happy. At some point, we have to live our lives and tune them out. Not to say they haven't done some good in the past, but this equity movement if taken to its logical conclusion will ruin life for everyone."

Hmmmm, needs more Placenta Facts.

He seems nice, the end.

[Salt Lake Tribune /]

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