Go The F*ck To Jail, Allen Weisselberg. Wait, Which One Is Allen Weisselberg?
Weisselberg is the one in the handcuffs who is old balls.

Did you read Wonkette's roundup yesterday of how all the various investigations surrounding Donald Trump are coming to a head and going KAPOW at the same time?

Just super-fun stuff. Lindsey Graham got dick-kicked by a federal judge and told he better waltz his South Carolina ass over to Atlanta to talk to the grand jury for its investigation there. Rudy Giuliani fucked around and found out he's a criminal target in that investigation. Attorney General Merrick Garland is dropping subpoenas on closer and closer January 6 witnesses. And so much more!

And now here's a new one from an investigation you probably totally forgot about. Remember how the Trump Organization's money man Allen Weisselberg has been under indictment in Manhattan for all kinds of hinky tax shit he allegedly did and benefited from in his role as Trump's CFO? Of course not, that's from a whole year ago, which is like one million years in Trump-related crime time!

Because there is apparently something wrong with Allen Weisselberg and he is incapable of seeing that it will literally never be worth it to go down with Donald Trump's ship — literally, talk about tying your body to a molten anvil made of reeking turds and throwing yourself overboard — Weisselberg has never cooperated with the investigation.

But the New York Timesreports he's about to plead guilty all the same, maybe as soon as Thursday. The Trump Organization, which is also under indictment, will reportedly not be doing the same.

Seriously, what a winner winner chicken dinner loser this Weisselberg dude turns out to be:

If it becomes final, a plea deal for the executive, Allen H. Weisselberg, would bring prosecutors no closer to indicting the former president but would nonetheless brand one of his most trusted lieutenants a felon.

Dude is 75. Seriously, imagine becoming a felon at age 75 for the sake of Donald Trump. Sorry, you probably can't imagine it. It's too far beneath literally every one of us. But it's not beneath Allen Weisselberg.

Of course, the Times does note that this would mean Weisselberg wouldn't go to jail for a long time.

While Mr. Weisselberg, 75, is facing financial penalties as well as up to 15 years in prison if convicted by a jury, a plea deal would avoid a high-profile trial and spare him a lengthy sentence. Two people with knowledge of the matter said that Mr. Weisselberg was expected to receive a five-month jail term. With time credited for good behavior, he is likely to serve about 100 days.

We are not a Manhattan prosecutor (OR ARE WE?) but we are guessing if he cooperated, he might be able to go to jail for no-hundred days.

Seriously, imagine not being willing to flip on literally the most worthless human currently alive in the entire United States. Because you know who we bet has a lot of information about the allegedly hinky Trump Organization real estate valuation schemes being investigated by the Manhattan DA and the New York attorney general, before whom Donald Trump pleaded the Fifth approximately one gabillion times last week? Allen fucking Weisselberg.

What a fucking dick, lock his ass up for 100 days or whatever, then we'll never write about him again.

In other news of all Trump's problems, he is DEMANDING that the Department of Justice release the full affidavit it submitted to get the warrant to come look under the couch cushions at Mar-a-lago. The feds are telling him to fuck off HARD. Here, have some words from their filing:

“If disclosed, the affidavit would serve as a roadmap to the government’s ongoing investigation, providing specific details about its direction and likely course, in a manner that is highly likely to compromise future investigative steps,” U.S. Attorney Juan Gonzalez and Justice Department counterintelligence chief Jay Bratt said in a filing urging the continued secrecy of the affidavit.

“The fact that this investigation implicates highly classified materials further underscores the need to protect the integrity of the investigation and exacerbates the potential for harm if information is disclosed to the public prematurely or improperly,” the DOJ officials wrote. [...]

“Disclosure of the government’s affidavit at this stage would also likely chill future cooperation by witnesses whose assistance may be sought as this investigation progresses, as well as in other high-profile investigations,” Gonzalez and Bratt say, adding “This is not merely a hypothetical concern, given the widely reported threats made against law enforcement personnel in the wake of the August 8 search.”

So that is what is happening with that.

In summary and in conclusion, go the fuck to jail, Allen Weisselberg, and go eat a box of pubes in hell, Donald Trump.

[New York Times / Politico]

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter right here!

Have you heard that Wonkette DOES NOT EXIST without your donations? Please hear it now, and if you have ever enjoyed a Wonkette article, throw us some bucks, or better yet, SUBSCRIBE!

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Do your Amazon shopping through this link, because reasons.

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)


©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc