Lindsey Graham Under Mistaken Impression Merrick Garland Gives F*ck What He Thinks

Fresh off having his entire set of nuts handed to him by a judge who ruled he absolutely for sure DOES TOO have to testify in Fulton County District Attorney Fani Willis's criminal investigation into Donald Trump's attempted coup in Georgia, Lindsey Graham decided to go on the TV and see if somebody else could hand him his entire nuts.

At least that's sure what it seems like.

Graham seems to be confused who the fuck he is and who the fuck Attorney General Merrick Garland is. Graham is a skin tag that lives on Donald Trump's grundle, and he is a minority member of the Senate Judiciary Committee. He is not even the ranking member on the Republican side. Chuck Grassley is the ranking member. (Chuck Grassley has been at the Iowa State Fair this week. One of his most recent tweets is "time 2see butter cow biggest boar super bull biggest ram etc." Aw yay! Butter cow biggest boar super bull biggest ram etc!)

Merrick Garland is the attorney general of the United States, the guy who had to sign off on the search of Trump's Mar-a-Lago, because it sure does sound like the disgraced former loser president made off with nuclear secrets. Can't imagine why, he probably had totally innocent reasons, you betcha, rhymes with "Howdy," allegedly.

And yes, the Senate Judiciary Committee technically has oversight over the Department of Justice, but if we're going to be extremely extremely technical about it, Lindsey Graham is an absolute fucking nobody as far as Merrick Garland is concerned right now. And if Graham hasn't noticed, Merrick Garland busy.

Which is why it's weird that Graham is going on Fox News asking to speak to Garland's manager like he's some-fucking-body, demanding to see the affidavit the Department of Justice used to explain why it needed that warrant.

“When it comes to Trump there are no rules, every Republican should be suspicious of what’s happened in the past, happening again.

Fuck off.

“We need the affidavit.

You need nothing.

"Show your cards, Merrick Garland.

Not how investigations work, you troll, and you damn well know it. Garland will "show your cards" when he "indicts the motherfucker."

"He can’t have it both ways, he can’t give us the inventory of the warrant without telling us why it was necessary.

Spoken like a true person who is still literally not the boss of Merrick Garland but thinks he's some kind of big man because of whose asshole he lives inside. He thinks he's powerful when he pokes his head out from behind Donald Trump's grundle and starts yapping like a chihuahua. It impresses no one.

“Without the affidavit, we’re flying blind in the dark.

Only place Lindsey Graham needs to be flying is to Atlanta to sit his fuckin' ass down for the grand jury.

"The American people are going through too much pain, too much heartache on this endless effort to destroy Donald Trump.”

The American people are sitting back with popcorn right now and dreaming of a Christmas spent in handcuffs for Donald Trump. Nobody who matters is experiencing "heartache" or "pain" because the FBI visited Trump's gold-plated roach motel hootenanny wedding hall in south Florida and removed documents that do not belong to him. Anybody experiencing "heartache" or "pain" over whatever is making Donald Trump upset today is, let's just say, not America's best.

What we mean by all this is fuck Lindsey Graham. We shoulda just typed that in the first place.


[transcript via JoeMyGod]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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