Laura Ingraham DEMANDS Viewers Get Excited About Total Garbage GOP Senate Candidates, Dammit!
Laura Ingraham is really tired of everybody acting like Republican candidates for Senate are fucking bugfuck stupid crazy losers from stupid bugfuck loser crazy town. Just because they are literally Herschel Walker and that sentient mound of human butthair JD Vance and crudité-munching New Jersey hero Dr. Oz doesn't mean they are not AMAZING and you should not SUPPORT THEM and stop JOINING THE PILE-ON.
\u201cIngraham: Instead of complaining about our candidates, we should recognize that this group is actually great!\u201d— Acyn (@Acyn) 1661220786
INGRAHAM: Instead of complaining about our candidates, or kinda being wishy-washy on them, we should recognize that this group is actually great! Our nominees, with a few exceptions, like Colorado, are political newcomers, they haven't had a lot of experience, but that's OK! They're out there fighting for the average person! They should be respected for getting in the ring!
Rah-rah-ree! Kick 'em in the knee! Rah-rah-rass! Kick 'em in the other knee!
So that is some cheerleading, some very thinly veiled begging to please get in line for the love of God and try to excited about this shit-stable of candidates that, for the most part, Donald Trump has forced onto us with his garbage judgment and his loser instincts about what appeals to the American people.
Please pay no attention to the real polls that show all our fuckers losing by a country mile, and look at these polls I found, here in my butt:
\u201cyou could replace this monologue with 8 minutes of ingraham firing a cattle prod at the camera\u201d— Brendan Karet (@Brendan Karet) 1661220567
Note that Ingraham is citing polls from Trafalgar. You've read about Trafalgar before at Wonkette. That guy is coo coo bonkers. He thought Kanye West was going to win 3.3 percent of the vote in Minnesota, and that were it not for Kanye, Trump might win there. Joe Biden won that state by seven points, and Kanye West got fewer than 8,000 votes.
Wonder why Ingraham isn't citing polls from Fox News, like the one that shows Mandela Barnes up four points over Ron Johnson in Wisconsin.
Or the latest Suffolk poll, which shows Catherine Cortez Masto up seven points in Nevada over Adam Laxalt, who, to be clear, is another fuck clown of a candidate, despite how he's not getting as much national attention for that.
Cook Political Report still has Senate control listed as a toss-up, but is specifically writing about how Republicans' shitty 2020 candidates are giving everybody deja vu of 2010 and 2012, with "[n]ightmares of Sharron Angle, Christine O'Donnell, Todd Akin and Richard Mourdock ... taunting Republican lawmakers and Senate strategists." Over at FiveThirtyEight, Democrats are favored to hold the Senate, but "slightly." States like Pennsylvania and Arizona are looking particularly bad for Republicans, Georgia is still 50/50 for Raphael Warnock, and despite everything, JD Vance is still forecasted to easily beat Tim Ryan.
But the election is more than two months away, and there's a whole lot of time left for Republicans to make this worse for themselves. Plus, we're only just now starting to feel the effects of all the Democrats' winning and Donald Trump's legal troubles sucking all the air out of the room in a new and breathtaking way. (Also that's a lot of time for more news stories like this one out of Pennsylvania, about how ever since the Supreme Court confiscated women and pregnancy-capable people's bodily autonomy, voter registration by women is wildly outpacing men.)
Over at the Fox News website, they are trumpeting Ingraham's monologue, saying she's discussing how "Republicans are winning majorly in the Senate battles." And you can read the whole thing if you want, about how Dr. Oz is really great and John Fetterman is a "younger, balder, Joe Biden, but in gym rat clothing." But if that's too pathetic for you on an otherwise delightful Tuesday morning in August, we can see why you'd say fuck that.
In related news, Georgia Republican Senate candidate Herschel Walker has just been caught on tape getting confused about why the Democrats' climate bill has so much money in it for trees, because aren't there enough trees?
“They continue to try to fool you that they are helping you out. But they’re not,” Walker said. “Because a lot of money, it’s going to trees. Don’t we have enough trees around here?”
Can't imagine why Laura Ingraham is worried.
Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter right here!
Have you heard that Wonkette DOES NOT EXIST without your donations? Please hear it now, and if you have ever enjoyed a Wonkette article, throw us some bucks, or better yet, SUBSCRIBE!
Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.
Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.