Blake Masters Here! Can You Tell Me What Abortion Position You Want Me To Adopt And I'll Adopt It?
Hi there! I’m Blake Masters, Republican nominee for the US Senate from Arizona, and I like my position on abortion like I like my underwear: easily changed the minute I get shit in it!
I’m worried that you folks here at Wonkette might have the wrong idea about me. You seem to think I’m so far to the right that Pinochet himself would tell me to take it down a notch. Which is an overstatement! I mean, just because I’ve racistly claimed that gun violence in this country is mostly committed by Black people in Chicago, and called the flow of migrants across our southern border an “invasion,” and because I said I support a “fetal personhood” amendment to the Constitution that would extend to fetuses the same legal rights that people enjoy, a longtime goal of the anti-abortion movement that won’t be satisfied until all our women are permanently soldered in place in birthing barns, where they can just nonstop punch babies out from their vaginas like exploding volcanoes tossing tons of lava at Ecuadoran villages … where was I going with this?
Oh right, abortion. You’re going to hear a lot about how Blake Masters said he was “100% pro-life” and wanted to “strip Planned Parenthood of funding” and “stop funding research using embryonic stem cells from fetal remains.” All of which is true, I have said those things. Or had an intern write them on the Issues page of my website.
Are you still there? Okay, thought I'd lost the signal. It happens when I'm here in the rusted-out trailer in the desert that I call my health spa. I come out here to relax, to think, to trip balls on whatever concoction my backer Peter Thiel has sent me for my Neti pot, and then go outside to shoot super-cool guns at all the lion-sized lizards suddenly crawling around out there.
What's in this particular Neti pot rinse? Oh, it's some serum Peter devised to keep us from aging. He's always messing with that stuff. I think this one is a combination of virgin blood, crushed daffodils, and cells he harvested from his own intestines. Also it's licorice-flavored!
Where was I? Oh right. Then what happened was that the Supreme Court overturned Roe v. Wade, an act that seems to have galvanized Democrats to vote in the midterms. Polls have shown a huge spike in voter registration of Democratic women and increased enthusiasm for voting across the party. Democrats have done pretty well in some special general elections for congressional seats this summer, which would indicate that they might buck tradition for an incumbent party and hold their own in the November midterms.
Well look, we have a saying out here in this godforsaken wasteland of a state: “If the desert wind blows you to your knees, from there you can also blow.” Or something like that. Which is why I have happily flipped on my principles here harder than a Simone Biles dismount.
So now I have scrubbed my website of some of that harsher abortion language. I’ve also suddenly decided I only oppose late third-trimester and “partial birth” abortions, which are too a thing and not a cheap-shit rhetorical trick to rile up the anti-abortion crowd by claiming women are willy-nilly pushing babies halfway out of their bodies and then changing their minds about being moms and asking the doctors if they can just, like, toss the baby in the medical waste container over in the corner of the delivery room and then stroll on out with their hands in their pockets while whistling the “Horst Wessel Song,” if they wouldn’t mind?
Anyone who says that I ever believed anything else about abortion is a stone-cold liar and a fraud and probably just hates ultra-MAGA white men like me just because we love America. Or that person is Mark Kelly. Or both.
Hang on, I just poked my head out of the trailer and there is a giant fucking lizard out there. I think he's eating either Jan Brewer or a human-sized leather handbag. I'm gonna need one of my bigger guns.
Here’s the thing: I’ve been campaigning as if I’m the reincarnation of Francisco Franco, if Franco was much skinnier and looked as if he was drawn by the storyboard artist from “I, Robot.” And can you blame me? This is the state that launched Barry Goldwater’s career. It’s the state that sent bloodthirsty ghoul John McCain to Congress for decades. Though in fairness, that might have been partially to keep him out of Arizona as much as possible.
But here I am, a native son of Arizona and not the dilettante out-of-state husband of a beer heiress, a man once so libertarian that I made Ayn Rand look like Howard Zinn. Then I moved beyond that level of libertarianism into a rightwing nationalism that I was sure would appeal to the sand-eating potato heads that make up this state's feral electorate. And now somehow even Republican pollsters are telling me I'm ten points down to Mark Kelly. How is that even possible?
Mark Kelly! Have you seen that guy? A man whose head I once mistook for the dome over the Cardinals' stadium! I thought for sure by now I'd be whaling on him like he's a 73-year-old protester at a GOP rally. But nope, he's kicking my butt from here to Flagstaff.
So now I have to reset and recalibrate for the general and pretend like I haven't said and written the things that people literally have tape of me saying and screenshots of the stuff I've written. It's wild.
Okay, off to shoot that lizard. Let's see my opponent Major Tom do that.