Trump So Glad He Declassified Docs FBI Threw On Floor To Make Him Look Like Messy Little Stinker!

Yesterday morning, the internet assembled to watch with horror and bemusement as Donald Trump tweeted out Q drops and retweeted morons on his little Imaginary Twitter who had posted memes saying he was pretty. Oh sorry, we meant to say he "truthed" and "retruthed" those things. That's literally what they call it on Imaginary Twitter. There were about 60 posts in the space of an hour, we think.

So obviously we are thinking he's pretty chill this morning, right? Surely he's not saying anything to incriminate himself even more after that barnburner of a filing from the Justice Department last night, right?

Haha, just kidding, he is losing it.

Trump of course has spent some time this morning babbling about the Right's latest Peter Strzok-style obsession. (There is a guy who is retiring from the FBI and they think he buried Hunter Biden's laptop in Ukraine's backyard next to that DNC server that proves Russia is innocent. Need to know more? Here's a nutty collection of squirrel turds from shitty CBS News "reporter" Catherine Herridge!) He's also claiming that "crowds" are "already forming" for the rally he's going to do in Pennsylvania this weekend, so that's pathetic.

But you don't care about that. You want the good shit. You want the stuff where he incriminates himself even more, the stuff where you can just tell his stupid broken brain is leaking out of his ears and the walls are closing in and he's Just. Fucking. Losing. It.


You want this:



Terrible the way the FBI, during the Raid of Mar-a-Lago, threw documents haphazardly all over the floor (perhaps pretending it was me that did it!), and then started taking pictures of them for the public to see. Thought they wanted them kept Secret? Lucky I Declassified!

Wow. One of those moments where you really can tell all the instructions in God's IKEA factory had gone missing the day Donald Trump's mind was put together.

Obviously, he is lying about declassifying things, obviously. Trump's claims of declassification are patently clownish and literally everyone agrees they can go fuck themselves. It's certainly not anything Trump's actual lawyers have argued.

But Jesus Louise-us, all credit to Acyn Torabi for making this jokelast fucking night.



Well done!

Also making this incredibly stupid argument this morning with a straight face, hours after Torabi made the joke, is this incredibly limited legal mind:



Amazing amazing amazing.

Of course, it's pretty dumb to think the FBI was trying to frame Trump for keeping stolen docs on the floor, when last night's filing clearly says he keeping them in random desk drawers and storage rooms at Mar-a-Lago, where any old VIP hotel guest who happens to be a spy could find them.

Trump also seems super-confused about what it means that the FBI took pictures of the documents, with their appropriate cover sheets affixed — which is how they found them — as if the FBI was somehow revealing secrets by showing us that the documents exist in the first place. We know the documents exist, you fucking moron. That's what this entire investigation is about, you fucking moron.

Of course, there are a couple other things lurking in that imitation tweet, things a jury will have fun with. Noted law talking expert Steve Vladeck explains:



So that's funny.

We still don't know what kind of treasonous shit Trump was hiding under those cover sheets, and we don't know if he was planning on sharing/selling that information (or already has), or which of America's avowed enemies he was going to share it with/sell it to (or already has).

Which brings us to:



We. Still. Don't. Know. What. Kind. Of. Treasonous. Shit. Trump. Was. Hiding. Under. Those. Cover. Sheets. Or. What. He. Planned. To. Do. With. It.

There's been a lot of speculation about American nuclear secrets. There's been reporting about intelligence from human sources. He stole so many Top Secret documents, there's probably quite an assortment in there!

In due time we will all find out what Trump stole, what sorts of crimes were committed in that process, what else the FBI uncovers about motives and intent, and what kind of punishments the law requires.

The anticipation is fun, for good patriotic Americans!

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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