Go Home, Dumbf*ck Trump Lawyers, You're Drunk. Wait, You Did This Sober?

As Wonkette explained yesterday, the Department of Justice is done fucking around in re: Donald Trump's Stolen Traitor Documents, and it told us all about it in a 36-page filing that is the Labor Day weekend lake house read of the summer. DOJ even included a fun picture of some of the Top Secret documents Trump stole to (allegedly!) hand out as Employee Of The Month certificates for all the foreign spies who currently work at Mar-a-Lago. (Oh you fucking know any foreign intelligence agency worth one half a dick has at least thought about it. Fuck off.)

Trump responded to that filing last night. Remember how his lawyers are all from the law firm of Dumbfuck And Dumbfuck, LLP? As we learned this week, this is the case because all the good lawyers in the world are scared to work for Trump because they don't want to get Dershowitz-ed, which means that as retaliation for repping Trump, their exclusive acoustic unplugged law-talking concert, held each summer in the second conference room on the right at the Martha's Vineyard library, will be canceled until further notice by a vicious librarian named Ebba.

Well. Here's your new Trump filing. It is not a good filing.

This one is 19 pages long, which is pretty impressive for a document that has so few legal arguments! Mostly they are just MAD. And they are really hoping Aileen Cannon, the dingbat Trump-appointed judge they were lucky enough to draw, will continue to be MAD with them and appoint a Special Master to sift through the Top Secret documents Donald Trump stole from the United States government, just to make sure none of those documents — that aren't his — have any attorney/client privilege in them. (This was already done, weeks ago, by the government. And yes, we understand the desire for an independent party to double-check, were we not dealing with TOP SECRET DOCUMENTS DONALD TRUMP STOLE FROM THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT THAT AREN'T HIS.)

Page one:

Three weeks after an unprecedented, unnecessary, and legally unsupported raid

Oh for fucks sake. "Legally unsupported." For good measure, in the same sentence, they note that Trump used to be president and is also "possibly a candidate against the current chief executive in 2024." The tune that dogwhistle is playing is an old classic called "POLITICAL WITCH HUNT!!11!111!!"

At the end of that graf, they bitch that the Department of Justice thinks it should be "entrusted with the responsibility of evaluating its unjustified pursuit of criminalizing a former President’s possession of personal and Presidential records in a secure setting." We are too busy laughing to comment on the characterization of the room at Trump's gaudy beach palace where they keep Eric's extra swimmies and flippers as a "secure setting." However, we will once again note that these are not his documents. Loser can go to whatever landfill they bury him in thinking they arehis documents, but they are not his documents.

On the second page, it whines about DOJ's "convoluted theory" that "the Biden administration will not allow President Trump to assert executive privilege and consequently he has 'no right' to possess Presidential documents." Yes, what a convoluted theory, that people who used to be president can't override the current president's executive privilege. And indeed and forsooth, how convoluted it is to suggest that former presidents aren't allowed to (allegedly!) put the floor plans of American nuclear facilities on the back of their toilets next to their copy of What's Your Poo Telling You?

The phrase "rummage through Mar-a-Lago" is also used on that page, so LOL. Elsewhere in the doc, they refer to "rummaged proceeds." Word of the day calendar must have been "rummage."

The lawyers pretend throughout that DOJ is somehow not being serious when it says “this investigation is not simply about efforts to recover improperly retained Presidential records," but rather also encompasses the literal Espionage Act. Why? Reasons! Besides, all of this is improper anyway, because if the government is saying this all started when Trump turned over those 15 boxes in January — selectively, it appears! — and found "sensitive information," that's on them for freaking out, because obviously former presidents have "sensitive information," stop being so alarmed, you guys:

Simply put, the notion that Presidential records would contain sensitive information should have never been cause for alarm. Rather, as contemplated under the PRA, NARA should have simply followed up with Movant in a good faith effort to secure the recovery of the Presidential records.

And they did, as they have exhaustively laid out. When that didn't work, they had to pursue other means. Did we all read DOJ's filing? Do we remember how it said, "The government also developed evidence that government records were likely concealed and removed from the Storage Room and that efforts were likely taken to obstruct the government’s investigation"?

"Good faith." BRB, filing an amicus brief with the court that just says "Fuck these clowns, love your good pals at Wonkette."

To rebut some of the Trump lawyers' more creative arguments for why it SHOULD TOO be able to have a Special Master to delay and obstruct this process further, we will now go to Wonkette's Liz Dye, who tweeted her way through this document when it came out last night:

The filing just goes on and on like this.

They are furious that the Office of the Director of National Intelligence (ODNI) — which as you might have heard is part of the Biden administration, so again, WITCH HUNT! obviously — is doing an assessment to see how much damage Trump's theft and mishandling of state secrets has already done. They are pissed the government is saying that appointing a Special Master might "interfere" with what ODNI is doing. (Obviously! Isn't interfering the point? Are we misinterpreting Trump's point here?)

Affixing the backs of their hands to their sweaty foreheads, the lawyers simultaneously collapse on their settees and commence to dying of consumption as they type that the government opposes the appointment of a Special Master because that would get in the way of "its accelerated attempt to criminalize the lawful possession of presidential documents." You betcha.

Based on nothing, it would seem, but the huffed paint hallucinations that are apparently a side effect of spending too much time downwind of Donald Trump's nut sack, the filing argues that "Left unchecked, the DOJ will impugn, leak, and publicize selective aspects of their investigation with no recourse for Movant but to somehow trust the self-restraint of currently unchecked investigators." Again, fuck off, you clowns.

At the end, for good measure, they whine that "the Government’s Response gratuitously included a photograph of allegedly classified materials, pulled from a container and spread across the floor for dramatic effect."

ALLEGEDLY classified materials! For their dramatic little play, probably!

Holy fuckin' fuck, y'all.

As Liz Dye summed this whole thing up:

So that's the filing. They go to court this afternoon. Hilarity sure to ensue!

And now, Trump's REAL legal arguments, by which we mean whatever he's currently farting onto Truth Social.

Trump personally responded on his little Mom & Pop & Devin Nunes For Some Reason social media website, admitting that all his people's earlier insinuations about the FBI "planting" the documents were bullshit.

He also suggested for some sad reason that people are really truly confused over whether the FBI arranged his Top Secret stolen treason documents on the ground for the purposes of taking a picture, or if they were trying to frame him for "storing stolen treason documents on floor like a traitor who is also the TOTAL opposite of a neat freak!"

There seems to be confusion as to the “picture” where documents were sloppily thrown on the floor and then released photographically for the world to see, as if that’s what the FBI found when they broke into my home. Wrong! They took them out of cartons and spread them around on the carpet, making it look like a big “find” for them. They dropped them, not me - Very deceiving…And remember, we could have NO representative, including lawyers, present during the Raid. They were told to wait outside.

There is so much brain damage in those few words, we don't even know where to begin. But this is easily the stupidest Trump/Republican talking point we have seen in a year, one that really exposes how stupid they are, and how stupid they know his followers are. It's breathtaking.

But hey, at least he admits he was storing his Top Secret stolen treason documents in "cartons." Which kind of fucks up his lawyers' blarping above about Mar-a-Lago being a "secure setting."

In other words, if Hillary Clinton had done this we'd still be saying BUT HER CARTONS!

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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