Trump Knows Real Reason FBI Raided Mar-a-Lago, They Were Looking For Hillary's Emails

Who's that? NO ONE KNOWS.

Today, Donald Trump appears to be on a tour of public access TV shows filmed in your mom's basement while your mom is upstairs making Bagel Bites for you and your friends, GODDAMMIT, SHUT UP, MOM! STOP ASKING US IF WE WANT BAGEL BITES! WE'RE ON THE AIR RIGHT NOW, INTERVIEWING DONALD TRUMP, AND YOU'RE RUINING OUR TV SHOW!

We guess literally everybody else in the world told him to go pound sand in hell.

And so it was that Trump was on the (??????) show hosted by well known TV journalist (????WHOTHEFUCKKKKK?????) and explained that those FBI agents who came to Mar-a-Lago were actually there looking for Hillary's emails.

And the entire time, well known TV journalist (????ISTHISAJOKE????) made that face above and nodded her head. Yes, with that ad in the bottom right of the screen for "Body by AIM360," which appears to be a "functional medicine practitioner" in Pittsburgh.

I think they were looking for Hillary Clinton emails, I really think, I think they thought, and who knows? You know, boxes full of stuff! I think they thought that Hillary Clinton, they were something to do with the Russia, Russia, Russia hoax, they were afraid that things were in there, part of their scam material, because that's what they are, they're scammers, and they were thinking things were in there having to do with, can you imagine, Hillary ...

Oh God bless Jesus, it is so, so good to hear his voice. His terrified, babbling, stupid traitor piece of shit voice.

The entire time, the host — let's call her Betsy Bohonkus because that's more fun than looking it up — was like "right on!" and "you've got the goods!" like it isn't absolutely DSM-V-level deranged to think the FBI is frightened that Donald Trump, the stupidest leader in world history, who believes any conspiracy theory that gets blown up his bunghole, has boxes full of evidence on them.

Of course, if Trump wants to plead insanity, going on make-believe talk shows and babbling about Hillary's emails probably helps that case.

During the same interview, Betsy Bohonkus asked Trump about the January 6 defendants — you know, all the people indicted or already going to prison for participating in the terrorist attack against America that Trump incited — and he strung together a bunch of words about how he's going to pardon them all. He said he's "financially supporting" them and that "they were in my office two days ago." (Any Top Secret stolen docs left in there that the FBI missed?) The entire time Betsy Bohonkus looked like she was holding back SEVERE tears about the plight of these domestic terrorists.

After the interview we assume Betsy Bohonkus finally ate the Bagel Bites her mom left at the top of the stairs.

We should mention Trump's slurring. At first we thought maybe it was the shitty sound quality of these people doing "shows" through the walkie talkies their grandma bought them for Christmas, but it's every video we've seen of him today.

On that note, Trump also went on "Real America's Voice," slurring and sounding like his teeth got stuck in his breakfast Big Macs and he hasn't noticed they're gone yet. And he is just extremely fixated on this notion that the FBI framed him for "stinky."

The leprous chipmunks who live inside Trump's brain skull are simply obsessed with worry that Americans think the FBI threw all his precious stolen Top Secret American documents on the floor to make him look like a real Cluttery Cletus.

He was obsessed with it on Truth Social yesterday. And here he is obsessed with it now. This time we included the slurring in the transcript, for the kind of accuracy you're simply not going to get from websites that are just no fun.

A lot of people think that when you walk into my office I have confidential documentsh or whatever it may be, all declasshified, but I have confidential documents shpread out all over my floor, uh, like a shlob, like I'm sitting there reading these documentsh all day long or somebody elsh would be. It's sho dishonesht when you look at it. And sho people were concerned because they shaid gee, you know, that's a shtrange shcene, you look at the floor and you shee these documentsh, right, they have cover sheetsh of documentsh, no, THEY PUT 'EM THERE, JOHN, and they put 'em there in a messhy fashion and then they took a picture and then they releashed it to the public and thish is what we're dealing with with thesesh people.


We wrote earlier that this is the absolute stupidest talking point imaginable. As if he is not confessing each time he insists that his stolen treason documents were organized much more nicely. As if nobody in America has ever seen evidence photos taken by cops.

But look, this is coordinated. His legal moron Alina Habba was on Fox News last night, insisting they staged this so "you would assume" this is what his office looks like. She assured viewers this is "NOT the way his office looks," and she knows, because "I am somebody who has been [...] in his office, I've seen it." We know, Ms. Habba. We know you've been in there and you've touched everything and personally gone through every drawer in Mar-a-Lago. That's what you told the New York attorney general, and it's why a lot of people are just gently suggesting you miiiiiiight need to get a lawyer right now.

Habba also admitted in this video that Trump has "guests frequently" in his office, with the Top Secret docs he stole, we guess, since the FBI said it found Top Secret docs in "45 Office" AKA the bridal suite at Mar-a-Lago.

Toward the end of that interview, Habba tried a new line about how just because something SAYS "classified" doesn't mean Trump hasn't declassified it, because it's not like they change the markings EVERY TIME. (She shoots, she misses!) But Sean Hannity brought her back from that ledge, to clarify that it was the FBI that made that messy display and not Donald Trump who made that messy display.

Because this is how stupid Donald Trump is and this is how stupid Alina Habba is and this is how stupid Sean Hannity is and this is how stupid literally every Fox News viewer in America is.

Stupid enough to believe the FBI might actually have been searching Mar-a-Lago for Donald Trump's secret ninja spaceman evidence of Hillary's emails and the Russia, Russia, Russia hoax?

Yes, are you new here?


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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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