Hope You're Happy: Melania Had To Get New Underpants
Well now the Biden administration has done it and everybody in America will finally start to see the raid on Mar-a-Lago to retrieve the Top Secret documents Donald Trump innocently stole for the witch hunt it is. Why? Because Melania had to get new underpants.
RadarOnline explains that according to sources close to Melania, she doesn't like it when the FBI goes through her underpants drawer and her closet, so she therefore has had to purchase entirely new underpants.
“Melania doesn’t like the idea of strangers going rifling through her things. Who knows who touched her underwear during the raid? She's never going to feel comfortable wearing those ever again,” a pal tells Radar.
Unfair! And just because she married a guy who literally stole America's most closely held secrets and stashed them all over his tacky Florida hotel, right there where all the foreign spies who obviously visit the joint consta-fucking-ntly can find them.
“Most people don’t know that Melania is a bigger germaphobe than her husband. She hates people touching her and certainly doesn’t want to put on lingerie that FBI agents have had their hands all over.”
You thought Donald Trump would be the one buying new underpants right now. And he might be, for a number of reasons, we are guessing. But you didn't even think about how Melania might have to buy new underpants.
"This is her home. It’s her bedroom. Even her husband isn’t allowed in her bedroom,” adds a friend. “Even if they wore gloves, it is still strangers going through your underwear draws. She has already bought new underwear and thrown everything that has been contaminated away," sources tell RadarOnline.com
You weren't under the impression this a person who loves her husband, were you?
This follows on reporting from CNN that says that, according to one of its sources close to Melania, “She would never allow him to keep his stuff in her room, and he would frankly never ask." CNN did not have the part about the Supermarket Sweep Melania had to do for new underpants, though, because we are guessing CNN didn't work hard enough on the story to hear about the new underpants. CNN said she was "annoyed" by the raid, but that she wasn't mad like he was mad. "She cared, but not like he cared," said their source. And she was mad about how her own privacy was invaded:
[The source noted] it was the invasion of her privacy that prompted her to get upset – not the nature of the investigation that sparked the search, or what it meant, or might possibly come to mean, legally, for her husband.
Yeah fuck all that shit.
The rest of the CNN piece is about Melania's scammy-ass NFTs, and we don't care.
In order to find out what an ordeal this was for the former first lady, Wonkette did the kind of journalism others won't do, by which we mean we went to Google Maps and conducted a search for underpants merchants near Mar-a-Lago. See?
(Zoom in if needed.)
And. It. Sent. Us. To. Walmart.
Wow, Google, and wow, Deep State.
Guess this is just the world we live in now, where Melania Trump is (ALLEGEDLY) forced to take a late night Uber to the Walmart Supercenter on the mainland where she'll be forced to put her finger over her upper lip like a fake mustache and disguise her voice and say to the greeter, "Show me your finest eight-pack of fashionable underpants! I just threw all mine way, TOO MANY FEDS AROUND IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN."
And the greeter did not know what she meant because they were only a greeter and they weren't married to anybody who was a traitor to their country and quite frankly they weren't seeing the correlation between feds and new underpants. ALLEGEDLY.
Also they were just a greeter so therefore did not really know exactly where in the Supercenter the underpants were, so they had to get on the loudspeaker and ask if that bouncing yellow smiley face could come to the front of the store and lead Melania to the underpants section. ALLEGEDLY.
The indignity of it all. ALLEGEDLY.
This is what you have done to Melania Trump, are you satisfied?
You are. You monster.
Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter right here!
Have you heard that Wonkette DOES NOT EXIST without your donations? Please hear it now, and if you have ever enjoyed a Wonkette article, throw us some bucks, or better yet, SUBSCRIBE!