Hello! I, Vladimir Putin, Am On New Crusade For Global Window Safety

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Hello! I, Vladimir Putin, Am On New Crusade For Global Window Safety

Greetings, soiled diaper-clad fascists of Wonkette! It is I, Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin, here again to make with you the speaking. Is very busy time here in Moscow, with special military operation in Ukraine still going and our oligarchs' yachts being seized and Starbucks closing all its stores. Which is fine with Vladimir, by the way. Glorious Russian coffee much tastier. Did you know we now roast beans in reactor at Zaporizhzhya nuclear power plant? Your weak American lymph nodes could not handle, but Russian lymph nodes are strong like Siberian bear, laugh at radiation poisoning like Siberian hyena.

But despite much busyness, Vladimir always has time to rap at Wonkette! Is Vladimir’s favorite place. Well, second-favorite, behind any room where Ed Sheeran is not. Moye slovo, please tell Vladimir, what is appeal of Ed Sheeran? He has voice like tundra swan with head caught in bear trap. The British! What a people, with their pubs and their accents and their cuisine like boiled boot taken off dead Cossack after Battle of Balaclava.

Now Sharon Van Etten, that is musician! Her new album? So good! Perhaps Vladimir is mellowing in his dotage, but he often cry over her tender songs of love found and lost and found again. Very moving stuff! You think Vladimir is unsentimental imperialist sociopath just because of all the wars he launches and civilians he unnecessarily slaughters. But he is not made only of strong Russian granite! It is more slightly water-softened Russian granite.

But enough with sentimental pish-posh. Vladimir has serious matter to discuss with you debauched Western swineherds. It is issue dear to my heart: worldwide window safety standards.

Yes, yes, you are thinking, Vladimir, what is this? Window safety standards is your dearest interest? What about stealing money from Russian people and taking kickbacks from oligarchs and elevating large sentient sweet potato to American presidency? What about hunting shirtless, and scoring like nine hat tricks in pick-up hockey games and turning so-called country of Ukraine and its peoples into ground beef? Do you not like all of those things more?


To which I say, da, I love all of those things. But death by defenestratsiya has become serious issue that threatens health and well-being of so many! Mostly so many disloyal oligarchs and critics of Vladimir, yes, is true, they should all be more careful.

Like my dear friend Ravil Maganov, chairman of Lukoil, the second-largest oil company in all of Russia. You have seen news? Ravil was in hospital after heart attack when he fell out of window on sixth floor. Why would hospitalized heart attack patient be anywhere near open window? Especially heart attack patient who had criticized special operation in Ukraine and called for its immediate end only days after it started. Those are the sorts of heart attack patients who should know to stay as far from any window, open or otherwise, as possible.

Now, you are saying, why should we Americans put aside our Netflix and our IPA and our pronouns to worry about window safety? Well, you have same problem in America! Specifically you have same problem in Washington DC. Just two weeks before poor Ravil Ulfatovich fell, there was terrible accident with man named Dan Rapoport, who once was big businessman in Russia but moved to your nation’s capital city to be — chert poberi, what is word? — mover and shaker there.

But then police found Mr. Rapaport lying on sidewalk next to luxury high-rise where he lived and from which he had fallen with nothing but his phone and $2620 American dollars in his pocket. Is true what they say, you can’t take it with you! Though you can try, apparently.

Why I bring this up is that by weird coincidence, Rapaport had also said mean things about Vladimir. And about living in Russia. Same thing. He said it had become “unbearable and disgusting.” And Russia had been good to him! He made many rubles! He owned top nightclub in Moscow!

Then suddenly, is not good enough. Vladimir is not good enough. This hurts Vladimir’s feelings, that and all the criticism of Vladimir’s dealings with fake nation of Ukraine.

In other weird coincidence, Rapaport’s partner in nightclub also died after falling out of Moscow building in 2017. You see? Is global problem.

And you have old president in Washington DC! Vladimir would hate to see him fall from White House residence. Is very nice man, Joe Biden. Always sharing ice cream with Vladimir. Not as nice as President Trump always sharing state secrets and highly classified intelligence that would normally take the FSB years and years of delicate spycraft to get hands on, but nice nonetheless.

So please, debased Nazi gay sex goblins of Wonkette, please be aware of the worldwide danger that is enemies of Vladimir Putin falling out of windows. And drinking radioactive tea. And being shot in face. It is unsafe world. Especially if I don't like you.

[Washington Post / Politico]

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