Hi I'm Sarah Palin, And I'm Here To Be Nice At Ya!
Oh hi! Didn’t hear ya come in there. I was busy field-dressing this moose I killed with only my bare teeth and my own cunning.
Okay, my kid shot it for me. One of my kids. I didn’t say so at first because LAMESTREAM MEDIA.
Danged if I know which kid. Pine Tree? Window? Stovetop?
No, I am not just looking at items in my kitchen where I have for some reason chosen to field-dress this moose and guessing the ones I named my kids after. Watch the attitude or I’ll drop you in a glacier, we still got a few of those around.
So look here, Mr. Hater. I know what you want to talk about. You want to talk about how I lost that special election for Alaska’s congressional seat the other day, and how I was real shirty about it and then, literally nine hours later, decided to get un-shirty and actually show some grace towards the winner.
You’re thinkin’, “What happened there, Sarah? One minute you’re rippin’ ranked choice voting a Denali-sized new one, the next you’re makin’ all kissy face noises at Mary Peltola even after implying that she’s a radical socialist something or other. You were actually -- what’s the word -- gracious in defeat. What gives?”
What? No, I didn’t get a call from Peggy Noonan, whatever that is. Some sort of generic diet pill, would be my guess.
But thank you for saying I was gracious. I can be gracious. I know that might seem strange, based on literally my entire previous political career and public life. But it’s true. My dad used to say, “Sarah, don’t you worry about what people say about you, you just keep being the same sweetheart you always been. Now pull this ice axe out of my eye and drive me to the hospital.” I think about that every day.
So sure, maybe I said that ranked choice voting, which we used up here in Alaska for the first time because voters wanted it and approved it, was a “crazy, convoluted confusing system that effectively disenfranchised 60% of Alaska voters.” And maybe I sneered that “Alaskans will learn from this voting system mistake and correct it in the next election,” which maybe sounded like I was talking down to those good, hard-working real Alaskan voters whose votes I need when we hold the next election for this seat in a mere two months.
And yeah, maybe I then also ripped into my Republican opponent, Nick Begich, like a grizzly rippin’ into a salmon run, in a press release titled “Republicans, here’s where you go wrong,” and in which I called Begich “a three-time loser” who has now empowered Nancy Pelosi’s radical agenda, for the next couple months anyway, by getting a Democrat elected, before calling for him to withdraw before November and let me have all the Republican votes. You know, the ones cast by those Republican voters I just insulted by talking to them like they’re a bunch of log-cabin-dwelling, outhouse-using, beaver-fucking ...
Wait, wait, let me back up here. I didn’t mean any of that. I love Alaskans. And Alaska. So much that even though after I quit my governorship halfway through my first term and moved away to Arizona faster than a wolverine gettin’ after a marmot, I did eventually move back.
Anyway, my point here is, one of my daughters — Coffee Pot, I think — said to me, “Mama, wasn’t this election just to fill the congressional seat until November, when you’re going to be in a new election for it? And aren’t the voters you were just ripping a new one wider than the North Slope the same ones you need to vote for you then? Along with the twenty-one percent of Begich’s voters who put down 'exhausted' instead of 'Sarah Palin' as their second choice for this election, which is likely why you lost? Maybe you oughta rethink that?”
What can I say, she’s a smart girl, that Coffee Pot.
Like I said in one of my statements, I’m one who is always gonna reload, not retreat. But I can still be polite to Mary Peltola and maybe buy myself some points with the voters I might have just needlessly pissed off while throwing a Yukon-sized tantrum. I can be gracious. And I can throw in a bunch of gobbledygook about debating in a civil manner and respecting our differences and how we should all always remember the Golden Rule, whatever it is.
But I'm still, given the chance, gonna stuff that Nick Begich in a toilet.