Steve Doocy Seems *Tiny Bit Skeptical* Trump Using Stolen State Secrets To Write His 'Memoirs'

Steve Doocy for the win! Again! He's on a roll, y'all!

Pop quiz, for $500, Alex: Should non-president Florida senior citizen Donald Trump have America's most closely held secrets about special-access programs that not even top current national security officials are allowed to see in his desk drawer at Mar-a-Lago, between the butterscotches and a worn out 1982 issue of Hustler?

Steve Doocy: Um, no?

Yay! Steve Doocy of "Fox & Friends" has won the prize! What are you going to do with your winnings, Steve? Buy a chin for your son Peter? Neat!

In this clip from this morning's discussion on America's most educational morning show, Doocy had to deal with exponential levels of stupid, because he wasn't simply dealing with his co-hosts Brian Kilmeade and Ainsley Earhardt, but also Florida Republican Senator Marco Rubio. And Doocy was like, look, WE GET IT, if Donald Trump wanted to keep the nakey pictures Kim Jong-un took for special and then spritzed with North Korea's finest cologne and mailed to Trump for a keepsake, WE GET IT.

But if the Washington Post is right, Doocy said, and Trump had things that "only a Cabinet-level officer or higher could even look at, that doesn't seem like something you should have in your post-presidential desk drawer."

Ding ding ding ding ding!


But Little Marco Rubio did not agree.

Little Marco Rubio said "we really don't know" what Trump had, because these are just leaks coming from the FBI and Justice Department, and they are "strategically leaking information" just to hurt Trump. And when it becomes official information, like in a court filing, Little Marco Rubio will move the goalposts. But not a second before!

Little Marco Rubio said the idea that there are things that only a Cabinet-level official can see is "not how classification works," but careful listeners will note that he didn't actually rebut the Washington Post's reporting, but just pissed out some words that sounded enough like thoughts that the average "Fox & Friends" viewer wouldn't notice.

Little Marco Rubio explained that he is a Gang Of Eight — he's the (useless) ranking Republican on the Senate Intelligence Committee — therefore he knows everything. Then he lied about the letter the DOJ sent to Trump on June 8, 2022, requesting he better secure the room at Mar-a-Lago that was serving as the chamber of secrets, characterizing it as an innocent security request — he's pretending that the DOJ is coming after poor put-upon not-president Trump for "a storage issue" — rather than what it obviously was if you fucking read it with your brain, which was essentially a demand to preserve the crime scene.

But we understand why Little Marco Rubio feels the need to squeak out words in service of his Dear Leader. He's a very weak little guy, and Donald Trump is tall and big and he is scared of him but also he loves him.

Of course, we do think it's kind of fucking appalling that Rubio, who is again the ranking Republican on the Senate Intelligence Committee, is so blasé about the fact that America's most dangerous domestic enemy, a man who incited a terrorist attack against the country to overthrow the election he lost, who's still trying to overthrow that election this very week, stole America's most closely held secrets.

You'd think the ranking Republican on the Senate Intelligence Committee might care about things like that. But you'd be wrong, because Republicans are no longer a legitimate American political party and should simply be viewed as the loyal footsoldiers of the domestic insurgency led by the enemy. So of course they don't care about Trump stealing secrets and betraying the country.

Anyway, after all that, it was "Fox & Friends" co-host Brian Kilmeade to the rescue, because it's just not fair for Marco Rubio to be the stupidest person talking, not when Kilmeade is available to say this:

"Special Master is named, the FBI loses, the Department of Justice loses control, so let me go try to grab control back, 1-800-WASHINGTON-POST, the same number they used for the Russian conspiracy, we know how that went!"

OK, Brian, good try, you still believe there was a Russian hoax just like Donald Trump says, and you will never relinquish your title as the dimmest bulb Fox News ever hired.

Marco Rubio thanks you for your service.


The end.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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