If You’re Into Cousin-Screwing, The Unabomber, These Republican Senate Nominees Are For You!
We thought for a brief moment that Dr. Mehmet Oz had gotten a handle on his campaign for the US Senate. He’d progressed from comically out-of-touch crudite fancier to Trump-style stroke humor. He’d even attacked his Democratic opponent, Pennsylvania Lt. Gov. John Fetterman, because he’d employed two Black men who were falsely imprisoned for murder. That’s classic Republican race-baiting.
But Dr. Oz can’t go a full week without reminding us that he’s very odd. Back in 2014, Dr. Oz was a guest on "The Breakfast Club” radio show, which is kinda cool but he made it all weird. Host Angela Yee asked Dr. Oz to offer his insight regarding a listener who couldn’t stop fucking his cousin. Even if the guy’s cousin was Elizabeth Olsen, it’s still his cousin damnit. What the cousin fucker needed was someone to talk him off the ledge, not push him over.
“I’m going to ask you this and you tell me if this is safe for this person, okay?” Yee prompted Oz. “Well, he said, ‘Yee, I can’t stop smashing my cousin.’ That means sleeping with.” (Thank you, Yee.)
She continued to read out the question: “‘We hooked up at a young age and now in our 20s, she still wants it. No matter how much I want to stop, I always give it to her. Help me.’ What advice would you give that person?”
Dr. Oz could’ve politely told Yee that he’s not actually a licensed therapist. He’s not even a common Ann Landers, which reminds me of my ALL-TIME-FAVORITE column when a man wrote to her boasting about his regular sexcapades with his sister. She responded simply, "Sick, sick, sick. If I had your address, I would send you a get-well card.”
In fairness, fucking your sibling is straight-up Flowers in the Attic while cousin-fucking is more Searching for Caleb. (I’m a very boring man.) Dr. Oz reassured The Breakfast Club audience that “if you’re more than a first cousin away, it’s not a big problem.” He then explained incest genetics.
DR. OZ: The reason we naturally crave people who are not so like us is because you just mix the gene pool up a little bit so that if I had one gene for, let’s say, hemophilia, which is a classic example where you bleed a lot if you cut yourself, I don’t want to marry a cousin who has the same hemophilia gene, because the chance of our child having both those genes is much higher.
Genetic diversity is important. We get it. However, Dr. Oz went further.
WEIRDO: You know, that’s why children, girls don’t like their fathers’ smell. Their pheromones will actually repel their daughters because they’re not supposed to be together ... My daughters hate my smell.
I think we’re done here.
Let’s briefly chat about Arizona Republican Senate nominee Blake Masters, another loser candidate. His position on cousin fucking is unknown, but some 2006 emails from his college days reveal that he was an obnoxious libertarian freakshow who claimed "there is absolutely nothing wrong with being a ‘conspiracy theorist’ or a ‘revisionist historian.’”
Given how many state-run conspiracies and official revisionist projects have taken place in recent history ... it would be crazy to pretend that such things are no longer possible, or that "it couldn't happen here…"
The story we’ve been told about 9/11 may indeed be correct, but blindly accepting it would be an error (as would accepting "conspiracy theories" without reasonable possibilities/evidence presented) ... When something like 9/11 happens, you’ve gotta ask, “Who benefits?” There are a couple of different answers to the question, and we ought to evaluate them all, including our alleged protectors. Especially when the US government has shown in the past that sacrificing citizens for political goals is something that it's willing to do.
In January 2006, Masters sent an email with the subject line “Fascism + America = right now.” He didn’t even consider the George W. Bust administration “semi-fascist” but rather full-fat fascism.
He also discouraged his classmates from voting, like your typical over-privileged white dude who misinterpreted George Carlin.
Masters was just 20 in 2006 (yes, he’s aged horribly), but if a public school teacher had decried the US as fascist while in college, rightwingers would freak the fuck out. Besides, Masters was a fully grown man in his 30s this year when he described the Unabomber as an “underrated thinker.”
It seems as if our democracy might yet endure because Republicans selected some of the worst candidates imaginable.
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Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He writes make believe for Cafe Nordo, an immersive theatre space in Seattle. Once, he wrote a novel called “Mahogany Slade,” which you should read or at least buy. He's also on the board of the Portland Playhouse theatre. His son describes him as a “play typer guy."