Sean Hannity Does Good Deed, Lists Out Trump Investigations For Forgetful Patriots

When this Sean Hannity segment happened last night, the internet was awash with mouthy liberals making jokes about how completely Hannity had owned Donald Trump and didn't even know it.

Look here's one.

Look, here's two more:

Like we said, mouthy liberals.

And look, we are pretty sure that if we turned up the sound on those videos, we would hear Sean Hannity trying to make some kind of dumbfuck argument that this is DEEP STATE and WITCH HUNT and we don't know what else. Oh, the chyron says "Dems obsessed with Russia investigations." So this is definitely a story about Democrats. Cool.

But we were just thinking recently how helpful it would be if there was a list somewhere of all the different ways Donald Trump has been investigated for criminal/unethical/slimy/treasonous conduct since he decided to walk down his ugly cheap-looking escalator in Trump Tower and ruin America's entire life. And you know what? There are lists out there, but they require hard work we are not willing to do, like for example Googling for five seconds.

Those lists don't just scroll by all easy-like on the Hannity show, where we can see them and Fox News viewers who are only halfway paying attention to the TV while they make trans fat ground beef sundaes for their kids can see them.

And that work isn't being helpfully done by the "Hannity" producers and writers and graphics department, none of whom seem to realize this isn't merely Hannity owning Trump, it is Hannity kicking Trump's ball into Trump's own goal where Hillary Clinton is standing wearing an evening gown that says "EMAILS" and cackling.


Russia collusion investigation
Crossfire Hurricane investigation
DC investigates inaugural funds
New York investigates inaugural funds
New Jersey investigates inaugural funds
Emoluments Clause investigations
Ways and Means tax investigation
Trump Hotel lease investigation
Foreign gifts investigation
Fulton County DA 2020 election investigation
NAACP Michigan Voting Rights Act investigation
Mar-a-Lago raid
House Oversight classified materials investigation
January 6th Committee investigation
DC AG investigation into January 6th
January 6th impeachment investigation
Ukraine phone call impeachment investigation
Hush money payments investigation
Michael Cohen pardon investigation
Save America PAC investigation
White House security clearance investigation
Trump's net worth investigated in House
Use of private email by Jared and Ivanka
Investigation into communications with Putin
Possible money laundering investigation
Saudi Arabia nuclear venture investigation
New York AG Trump property values
Manhattan DA Trump property values
Westchester DA Trump property values
Trump SPAC / Truth Social investigated
Inflated insurance claims investigation

Yes, that definitely suggests the DEMOCRATS have gone crazy. Occam's Razor would very no lie you betcha suggest that the DEMOCRATS were just out of control, investigating this very innocent and witch hunted man.

How on earth did DEMOCRATS come up with things as discrete and creative as "inflated insurance claims investigation" and "possible money laundering investigation" and literally everybody thought the 2016 inaugural was hinky and he tried to steal the 2020 election and he incited a domestic terrorist attack and oh boy don't his property values look weird and hey what's this about "Ukraine phone call" oh that was when he tried to extort one of our allies, Ukraine, to help him steal the 2020 election in exchange for defending it from Russia, the nation that has now attacked Ukraine, speaking of "communications with Putin" and "Russia collusion."

Did we forget stolen classified documents? How did we forget that? And again, how did the Democrats come up with all this?

Adam Schiff's writers' room must be more creative than "Succession!" Last night's Emmys RIGGED, should have gone to Liddle Adam Schiff!

Just kidding, unless you are a person who is so dumb you'd willingly snort whatever you find underneath the underpants in Donald Trump Jr.'s underpants drawer — allegedly! — it's pretty obvious who a giant fucking criminal who should spend the rest of his life under the shittiest, most poorly maintained jail in America is.

The true facts of life are that we don't know what Trump will be indicted for first. Stealing America's darkest secrets to do god knows what treasonous deeds with them? Inciting a literal actual terrorist attack on the country in furtherance of a coup to overturn the election he lost? Federal charges for the coup? Georgia charges for the coup?

And that's on top of all the civil shit and the lawsuits and the debts coming due and probably other shit we don't even know about yet.

We are sure Hannity will update his scroll-y list as new information becomes available, since he is clearly the "Look for the Helpers" Mr. Rogers was telling us about.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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