Lindsey Graham Has Flawless Plan To Step On Rake With National Abortion Ban!

If there's anything Republicans should have figured out ever since Justice Samuel Alito stuck his hand in Americans' underpants and removed their bodily autonomy, it's that abortion bans are POPULAR.

Wait, no, sorry, it is not that, it is the opposite of that, our bad.

It turns out people's right to decide whether or not they'd like to be pregnant ranks pretty high on their list of priorities. Republicans are losing special elections all over the place. Republican candidates are having contests to walk backhide theirformer current extremist anti-abortion stances. Americans are coming out to vote for abortion every chance they get. Likewise, Republicans are now desperately trying to keep abortion out of the hands of mere voters, because oh shit, they like it a lot!

All this year's Hallmark movies have titles like "It's A Wonderful Abortion" and "Abortion For The Holidays" and "Frosty the Snow-bortion."

OK maybe not that last part, but that's only because Hallmark isn't ready to be that cool.

The point is that Forced-Birth-Americans laboring (haha) under the belief that Americans secretly hate abortion and women and sex as much as they do have really had their delusions handed to them lately.

So today is a cool day for extremely cool and popular Republican Senator Lindsey Graham — you know, the one all the kids have posters of on their walls! — to introduce a national abortion ban. Yeah?

According to Axios, Graham will introduce the Protecting Pain-Capable Unborn Children from Late-Term Abortions Act. Does that sound awkward? Only until you realize it spells "PPCUCLTAA!" which may or may not be a sound Lindsey makes on the toilet, we are not sure.

It's unsurprising they're saying this is about "late-term abortions." That's how Republicans lie about abortion, by trying to convince Americans that tons of women just casually stroll into the abortion clinic at 38 weeks and say "Oh hi, I'd like a venti pumpkin spice cold brew LATE TERMER! And I want it ON DEMAND!"

Because that's how much they hate women. And if they ever told the truth about abortions in the third trimester — how rare they are, how they sometimes happen because of severe medical issues, lack of access, child abuse, or other completely understandable reasons — they know they'd lose this argument forever.

So they scream bullshit about "PAIN-CAPABLE!" and "LATE-TERM!" and all other kinds of shit that makes the uneducated goats who make up their base bleat.

But wait, what's this?

The Washington Post is reporting that Lindsey's Big Bortion Ban is most likely to be a 15-week ban? Which is different from Lindsey's past failed efforts, which were 20-week bans?

Fifteen weeks is not "late." Fifteen weeks is squarely in the "Because the Supreme Court overturned Roe, they closed all the abortion clinics in Tennessee, so now I have to take the train to Illinois to get an abortion, but first I have to figure out childcare and see when I can get time off from my job and when I can afford to make the trip" trimester of pregnancy.

That's literally what was at issue in the extremely unpopular and shameful Dobbs decision. It was Mississippi's 15-week ban. That's what the illegitimate partisan hack Supreme Court did there.

Is there any part of this that doesn't conjure images of Lindsey Graham somehow managing to step on a rake with one foot while stomping on his own dick with the other foot?

Anyway, it should be entirely clear here that Republican white men are cumming on themselves to ban abortion nationwide the second they're able to steal power and do so. They just can't do it yet. (Graham himself lied just four months ago and said abortion should be up to the states.) And obviously this will not pass the Senate, which is still controlled by Democrats.

But if Lindsey Graham thinks Republicans can retake the narrative with this crap, good luck, you fucking losers. If they think this will, as Axios suggests, make them look reasonable, because it's not like they want to ban all abortions, then please, we goddamn dare you. (Lindsey's ban even has exceptions for rape and incest! See? They're not monsters.)

For real, that is what they say:

Graham's bill is designed to present Republicans as being more mainstream on abortion by pushing a partial ban over either a full ban or what they characterize as Democrats' "abortion on-demand" position.

You dumb assholes.

NBC News quotes a Republican strategist who doesn't give their name, who says Lindsey's ban is exactly the medicine the GOP needs right now, so they can make Democrats look like the real extremists:

“We got to do something,” this person said. “Because if we don’t, then we just are sacrificed at the altar of the Democrats’ saying that we’re with the most radical elements of our base, which are no abortions ever, shoot the abortion doctors and set up patrol guards at the borders for people trying to leave the state to go to a pro-abortion state.

“Our electorate doesn’t align with that, and the general election electorate certainly doesn’t,” this person added. “And that’s where they put us. And that’s why this election cycle has gotten squirrelly. It’s because Republicans are trying to talk about inflation and gas prices while Democrats are making us extreme and unelectable.”

Hate it how Democrats made the Republicans extreme and unelectable. If those were the words we said with our mouth we wouldn't let NBC News print our name either.

Fuck around and find out in November, guys.

[Axios / NBC News]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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