Pick Your Fighter: Cool Tattoo Guy John Fetterman Or These Republican Talking Colostomy Bags!

Dr. Mehmet Oz has decided, with just over a month left until Election Day, to lean in to his campaign message that John Fetterman is far cooler than he is, and therefore does not deserve your vote.

When he dresses like that, it's not an accident, he's kicking authority in the balls. He's saying, "Hey I'm the man. I'll show those guys who's boss! I'll not allow any traditional path to succeed ... "

Oh no, Dr. Oz! Is John Fetterman being insufficiently respectful to authority figures? Is he KICKING AUTHORITY IN THE BALLS? You gonna call the school security guard and have him escorted to the principal's office? What if they find reefer on him AND MAYBE THEY WILL? You think he'll even say he's very sorry?

Fuck you, nerd.

As for Fetterman, we are not sure if he's selling T-shirts and bumper stickers that say "kicking authority in the balls" yet, but keep checking his website, because people's opponents don't usually just hand them awesome campaign slogans like that.

We do not know what it is right now, but rightwing losers seem desperate to make themselves look like old irrelevant scabbed-over past-their-sell-by-date geezers right now. But it's not like they're making themselves look like geezers to Kids These Days. They're making themselves look dumb to everyone under 60.

For example, Newt Gingrich, who surprises us every time we find out he's still alive, took his turn the other day:

When The Downward Spiral by Nine Inch Nails came out in 1994, today's 60-year-olds were 32. The song "Hurt" is not obscure. And then Johnny Cash went and covered it on his last record before he died and it became legendary. That was 20 years ago.

But talking colostomy bag Newt Gingrich just doesn't know know why the tattoo man whippersnapper would have a tattoo that says "I will make you hurt." Is it about telling your latest wife you're divorcing her?

After the entire internet smacked Newt in the face, he couldn't just shut his mouth and admit defeat. Oh no. He continued.

Is Fetterman's tattoo a gang symbol, which Newt is pretty sure has something to do with the Blacks, or is it about the drug song about the heroin written by the so-called "Nine Inch Nails" — haw haw, insert 149-year-old white grandpa joke about what a funny band name that is! — which was then made famous by some country singer, which is weird to Newt for a country song because you can't even Texas Two-Step to it?

Obviously the internet is smacking Newt in the face again for that one.


Here's stupid fucking Kellyanne Conway complaining that Fetterman "put the marijuana flag up" because he thought it was "funny." Then she started talking about overdose deaths and fentanyl, saying there's been a "doubling of overdose deaths, in Pennsylvania." Wait, is that overdoses on MARIJUANA? Or is Kellyanne Conway just another loser intent on having absolutely nothing relevant to say to anybody born from the Kennedy administration onward?

For the record: How many marijuana overdose deaths were there? NONE. Are Kellyanne Conway's alternative facts about "doubling" of overdose deaths even true? FUCK OFF.

This weekend, Fetterman responded directly to attacks from Tucker Carlson about his tattoos. Because Tucker might look like a fresh-faced fish stick heiress, but inside his shriveled heart he is just as damaged old balls as Newticles up there. Tucker had apparently done one of his high-pitched rants about Fetterman's "stupid little fake tattoos." He also said they were a "costume." So Fetterman decided to write an op-ed about what the tattoos on his forearms — not the Gangsta's Paradise Boot Scootin' Boogie one about making you hurt that Newt doesn't like — actually mean.

They're the death dates of people who were victims of violent crime in Braddock, Pennsylvania, where Fetterman was the mayor. Big joke, Tucker.

It's worth reading in its entirety, but here's the end of it:

I was a hands-on mayor and showed up at almost every crime scene because I felt a sense of duty to our community. I wanted to do everything I could to keep my town safe.

That’s one of the core differences between my opponent for the U.S. Senate, Mehmet Oz, and me. While he was making millions of dollars peddling miracle cures from a TV studio in Manhattan and living in a mansion on a hill in New Jersey, I was rolling up my sleeves and putting in the work to make my community safer. I’m the only candidate in this race who has fought violent crime and won.

The stories of the people whose lives we tragically lost still are with me every single day — not just on my arm but in every decision I make as an elected official. They remind me of why I am here and why I’m doing this.

But sure, tell us more about how John Fetterman wears silly costumes and is disrespectful to parents and is potted up on weed.

You disgusting old trash bags full of decomposing used Depends.

[NBC News]

Follow Evan on Twitter right here!

Have you heard that Wonkette DOES NOT EXIST without your donations? Please hear it now, and if you have ever enjoyed a Wonkette article, throw us some bucks, or better yet, SUBSCRIBE!

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Do your Amazon shopping through this link, because reasons.

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)


©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc