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Dear Diary. Wonkagenda For Thurs., April 4, 2019

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Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.


Anonymous officials from Robert Mueller's team are telling WaPo and the New York Times that they're pissed AG Bill Barr is trying to cover up all their work on the Trump-Russia investigation. According to officials, they wrote their own summaries of the various sections of the reports, and things were not as rosy as Barr says. One official complained to WaPo that evidence Trump obstructed justice was "much more acute than Barr suggested," and that Barr was trying to create a narrative of NO COLLUSION by releasing his little book report, and declaring a bunch of stuff classified. The Times reports that Barr was also concerned about coming across as a common Comey, so he decided not to release any mean things about Trump. [Morning Maddow]

House Democrats have told the IRS they want six years of Trump's personal and business tax returns. In a statement, House Ways and Means chair Richard Neal said Congress "has responsibility to conduct oversight of our voluntary federal tax system and determine how Americans — including those elected to our highest office — are complying with those laws." Trump immediately told Congress to fuck off (again), and babbled some bullshit about (still) being under audit "for many years because the numbers are big." The request would span almost the entirety of Trump's shady business empire, and unnamed officials tell WaPo that Trump will likely take the issue to SCOTUS where he'll get a crash course in tax law and the Teapot Dome scandal that brought down the administration of Warren G. Harding. [Morning Maddow]

Funky shit's going down at Mar-a-Lago! But don't worry, they arrested the obvious Chinese spy (??) at the President's home and now someone's started investigating!

Jared Kushner has been ID'd as "SENIOR WHITE HOUSE OFFICIAL 1" who was repeatedly denied a security clearance. We still don't know specifically why Kushner was denied a security clearance, or why John Kelly downgraded Kushner's clearance last year, but it probably has something to do with all his debt and shady Not American friends. On Monday, the little prince sat down with Laura Ingraham to whitewash his extended family's ALLEGED criming.

Emily Jane Fox gossips that Melon Trump's former minion Stephanie Winston Wolkoff is on the list of potential witnesses to the Trump administration's shenanigans with Not America. According to EJF, Wolkoff has been asked to turn over everything related to the inaugural: planning charts, employee information, donor lists, guest lists, budgets, invoices, and more. I wonder if she kept any receipts?

A number of Democrats and even some Republicans are thinking about raising taxes on gasoline to fund infrastructure projects. Naturally they're being greeted by the same anti-tax neo-con blowhards who always seem to bubble up from the swamp whenever anyone tries to build new bridges and schools.

Mitch McConnell dropped his nuclear nomination bomb on the Senate yesterday. McConnell's already well on his way to shoving every conservative swamp creature into the government, confirming Jeffrey Kessler as assistant secretary of Commerce by voice vote following a two hour post-cloture debate.

Colorado Democratic Sen. Mike Bennet tells the Colorado Independent that #HesRunning ... if his doctor says he doesn't have prostate cancer. Bennet is set to go under the knife on April 11, and tells the Independent that his cancer diagnosis is "a brief healthcare speedbump." He adds that it's important to have good healthcare and checkups before stating, "The idea that the richest county in the world hasn't figured out how to have universal health care is beyond embarrassing. It's devastating."

After Nancy Pelosi roasted his ass for trying to come for the Speaker's gavel with a half-baked scheme and some mean tweets, Ohio Democratic Rep. Tim Ryan is rumored to announce #HesRunning. Buzzfeed notes that Ryan has been trying to move on up to a different side of the Hill for years, incensed that he's STILL sitting at the kids table in the House. Poor baby!

Fox News says it will host a town hall with Bernie Sanders on April 15 since he's the closest thing to a Democrat that will go on their network. Later tonight Fox will host a town hall with Howard Schultz where he's expected to rationalize poor-fucking (again).

Joe Biden released a video saying he's going to stop touching people when he does grip'n grins on the campaign trail (IF #HesRunning). "Social norms have begun to change," Biden says staring into a camera like a bad after school special, "And the boundaries of protecting personal space have been reset. And I get it. I get it. I hear what they're saying. I understand it. And I'll be much more mindful. That's my responsibility."

A Bay Area redneck has been shitcanned after berating a woman for speaking Spanish to her infant in a gas station, and demanding her birth certificate. The employee is now rumored to be in the running for a Cabinet position in Trump's White House.

A West Virginia woman who pulled a gun on an Egyptian immigrant and accused him of trying to kidnap her daughter now says she made up the story. Local police say the incident was a "cultural misunderstanding" after the woman couldn't keep her story straight upon the release of video footage that showed the man patting the woman's daughter on the head. The incident has been touted by the NRA's Dana Loesch as "Another reason why mamas like me support #2A."

A new book by Politico's Jake Sherman and Anna Palmer recounts how Trump has spent the last three years being a media obsessed crybaby, offering all the gossipy anecdotes and stories you've come to expect. Palmer and Sherman reveal how Trump grumps about "Sloppy" Steve Bannon during policy meetings, and forced Steve Scalise to vet Mike Pence. There's also bits about Martha McSally's "testosterone," Shadow Secretary Sean Hannity, and how Jared Kushner thinks we spend so much on anchor babies locked up in Trump's baby jails that he once joked, "They might as well put them up at the Four Seasons Hotel in Georgetown." Ha. Haha. Ha ha.

Samantha Bee takes a look at the some of the new rightwing abortion bans, and how Justice Rapey McPrivilege has emboldened Jesus freaks to put their hands on lady parts across America.

Roe V. Wade V. Everyone | April 3, 2019 Act 1 | Full Frontal on TBS www.youtube.com

And here's your morning Nice Time! ENGLISH WATER DOGGOS!

Orange Seals on British Shores | BBC Earth www.youtube.com

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Dominic Gwinn

Dominic is a broke journalist in Chicago. You can find him in a dirty bar talking to weirdos, or lying in a gutter taking photos.

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

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'Baby Geniuses' star Jon Voight took to Twitter early this morning to proclaim his undying love for Donald Trump, probably because there is no one left in his life who will listen to him talk about this, or anything else, in person. In this video rant, Voight encouraged members of the Republican Party, whom he apparently thinks are the only real citizens of the United States, to stand by Donald Trump and "acknowledge the truth" that he is the best President since Abraham Lincoln.


Part ONE:

People of the Republican Party, I know you will agree with me when I say our president has our utmost respect and our love. This job is not easy. For he's battling the left and their absurd words of destruction. I've said this once and I'll say this again. That our nation has been built on the solid ground from our forefathers, and there is a moral code of duty that has been passed on from President Lincoln. I'm here today to acknowledge the truth, and I'm here today to tell you my fellow Americans that our country…

Oh no, not our absurd words of destruction!

Part DEUX:

is stronger, safer, and with more jobs because our President has made his every move correct. Don't be fooled by the political left, because we are the people of this nation that is witnessing triumph. So let us stand with our president. Let us stand up for this truth, that President Trump is the greatest president since President Lincoln.

Does Jon Voight not know there have been... other presidents? Can he name them? Because really, it does not sound like it. Does he also not know that a very big chunk of the Republican Party actually does not care very much for Abraham Lincoln? Namely those defenders of Confederate statues that Trump called "very fine people?" Also, did he intentionally diss their beloved Ronald Reagan?

Who can know? Who can even tell what he is trying to say or why he is trying to say it. He doesn't appear to have tweeted much since 2016, so I'm guessing whoever's job it was to keep him from tanking his career quit. Either that... or after filming the seventh season of Ray Donovan, he found out it's going to be canceled or his character is getting killed off or something and he is now free to be a jackass? I don't know, I haven't watched the show, although my parents are very into it and mad that I haven't watched it. Literally all I know about it is that it has something to do with Boston, because they keep mentioning that to me like it's a selling point.

It seems useless at this point to note that the people who scream their faces off about how bad it is for Hollywood celebs to support liberal causes, and how they should keep their politics to themselves, etc. etc. make a way bigger deal than normal people do whenever a Big Time Hollywood Celebrity like Jon Voight or, uh, Scott Baio, supports their cause. Mostly because they're the only ones who have elected a reality TV star and the star of Bedtime for Bonzo (who by the way, also once practically ruined a perfectly good Bette Davis movie with his bad acting. Which is not to say that Dark Victory is not fantastic and probably the best thing to watch if you want to sob your face off, but he was very bad in it.) to run the country.

But we might as well do that anyway, because it actually never stops being funny.

[Jon Voight Twitter]

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