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'Total Bulls**t.' Wonkagenda For Fri., April 19, 2019

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Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.


In case you've been living under a rock, Robert Mueller (finally) released the long awaited Trump-Russia report yesterday. In two volumes, the 400+ page report details Russian fuckery in the 2016 elections, and almost a dozen different instances where Trump attempted to stymie the investigation but was thwarted when staffers and aides refused to follow his orders. The report paints Trump World as a gaggle of idiots who may have been too stupid to realize they were criming, and details a pattern of lying and scheming from numerous White House officials, including the president. Mueller's report explicitly states the president is not immune from obstruction of justice charges, ultimately kicking the can down Pennsylvania Avenue over to Congress.

Congressional Democrats and 2020 candidates remain divided on calls for impeachment. Leadership is concerned any effort to impeach Trump would simply galvanize his base of white power rangers, insisting that the best chance to dump Trump is through the 2020 elections. Meanwhile, big name progressives are joining calls for impeachment, including George Conway, who calls Trump a "cancer" in a damning new op-ed.

After slinking off to Mar-a-Lago, Trump spent last night shitposting on Twitter (natch) that he "had the right to end the whole Witch Hunt if I wanted," adding he "could have fired everyone, including Mueller." He then spent around four or five hours praising all the Fox News talking heads who got on their knees and sucked up his tremendous ego (except Shep Smith). For their part, many Republicans have all joined in on a gigantic circle jerk, gleefully declaring game over and screaming "EXONERATION" to hide all the people shouting "conspiracy and "cover up." This morning Trump is shitposting about people who take "so-called notes" and calling the statements about him "total bullshit." Meanwhile, the gang at Fox and Friends is bitching about Obama.

The Australian government is confirming that a drunk George Papadopoulos blabbed about Russian "dirt" on Hillary Clinton back in May of 2016. With the Mueller Report now complete, the Aussies have released a classified cable that shows Alexander Downer, an Aussie diplomat, sat down with Papadopoulos to talk about Trump's foreign policy (or lack thereof) and the dumb bastard spilled his guts like a boozed up frat bro. The meeting freaked out downer so much that he immediately sent a memo to his superiors.

Kremlin spokesman and D-list porn impersonator Dmitry Peskov issued a statement saying there was NO COLLUSION in the 2016 election, "because there was none."

Now that HUD Secretary Ben Carson is no longer hibernating, he wants to make sure undocumented immigrants don't have access to public housing assistance. Under a new proposal sent to Congress Wednesday night, HUD outlines a plan to screen all HUD-assisted people under 62 through a process called "SAVE" in order to cut down on public housing wait lists. Advocates are quick to note that HUD is already legally obligated not to provide financial assistance to undocumented people, so nobody knows what the hell Carson is doing.

Rightwing militia groups are stopping asylum-seeking immigrants at the southern border, often identifying themselves as police while pointing long guns. One group maintains they're making "a verbal citizens arrest" and "support the Border Patrol." Yesterday human rights groups joined New Mexico Gov. Michelle Lujan Grisham and condemned the militia groups, saying, "It should go without saying that regular citizens have no authority to arrest or detain anyone."

The National Enquirer is being sold for $100 million to James Cohen, the CEO of airport travel retailer Hudson News. According to the lofty agreement, staffers will stay in place and Cohen plans to use the tabloid's archives for documentaries and podcasts.

Joe Biden went to Boston to give a speech to striking supermarket workers, not to announce #HesRunning (yet). Biden stated he was "so sick and tired of the way everybody's being treated," and talked about a "fair wage" and "decent health care," adding "We will take back this country ... I mean it." This morning The Atlantic's Edward-Isaac Doveres write that #HesRunning, and will announce next week, but first he needs to get this shit together.

Facebook's secure messaging platform WhatsApp has a big Nazi problem in Germany. Buzzfeed reports users have been creating and sharing Nazi imagery and racist and anti-Semitic chain letters despite explicit bans. The company has struggled in recent years to control the spread of Nazi bullshit due to concerns over user privacy. And this is why we can't have nice things!

SURPRISE! Facebook waited until Mueller Day to announce it stored hundreds of millions of passwords in plain text files as far back as 2012. In an update to a blog post from March 21, Facebook says it wasn't thousands of users who were potentially compromised, it was millions, but it's cool because an internal investigation found nothing was fucked. In related news, federal regulators investigating Facebook's constant privacy breaches and coverups are said to be weighing options that could range from greater transparency and oversight, to removing its shithead CEO Mark Zuckerberg.

At first the dog urinating on her leg was comforting. Its warmth trickled down her body and enveloped her like the American flag blanket Ronnie had given her during one of their secret trysts to the White House gift shop, but Dame Peggington suddenly felt a chill as the piss puddle began to cool. She shuddered and swung a half empty gin bottle at the pooch as it scampered away. Chasing after the bottle she thought about the blanket and of the other relics we leave behind as we forge ahead. Perhaps Ramon stashed the blanket in a dusty box of forgotten memories before he was deported, or perhaps he stole it. Oh Ramon, she mused, what adventures he must be living with his new life in Puerto-Mexico, or wherever it is brown people go.

A dumb ass got loose and started running around a major Chicago highway yesterday. Body camera footage shows a flummoxed officer attempting to corral the stubborn ass. After securing the animal, the local sheriff's department tweeted, "Shrek was nowhere to be found."

And here's your morning Nice Time: BABY GOATS IN SWEATERS! Happy Zombie Jesus Weekend!

Protective New Mama Goat www.youtube.com

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Dominic Gwinn

Dominic is a broke journalist in Chicago. You can find him in a dirty bar talking to weirdos, or in a gutter taking photos.

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