'Total Bulls**t.' Wonkagenda For Fri., April 19, 2019


Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

In case you've been living under a rock, Robert Mueller (finally) released the long awaited Trump-Russia report yesterday. In two volumes, the 400+ page report details Russian fuckery in the 2016 elections, and almost a dozen different instances where Trump attempted to stymie the investigation but was thwarted when staffers and aides refused to follow his orders. The report paints Trump World as a gaggle of idiots who may have been too stupid to realize they were criming, and details a pattern of lying and scheming from numerous White House officials, including the president. Mueller's report explicitly states the president is not immune from obstruction of justice charges, ultimately kicking the can down Pennsylvania Avenue over to Congress.

Congressional Democrats and 2020 candidates remain divided on calls for impeachment. Leadership is concerned any effort to impeach Trump would simply galvanize his base of white power rangers, insisting that the best chance to dump Trump is through the 2020 elections. Meanwhile, big name progressives are joining calls for impeachment, including George Conway, who calls Trump a "cancer" in a damning new op-ed.

After slinking off to Mar-a-Lago, Trump spent last night shitposting on Twitter (natch) that he "had the right to end the whole Witch Hunt if I wanted," adding he "could have fired everyone, including Mueller." He then spent around four or five hours praising all the Fox News talking heads who got on their knees and sucked up his tremendous ego (except Shep Smith). For their part, many Republicans have all joined in on a gigantic circle jerk, gleefully declaring game over and screaming "EXONERATION" to hide all the people shouting "conspiracy and "cover up." This morning Trump is shitposting about people who take "so-called notes" and calling the statements about him "total bullshit." Meanwhile, the gang at Fox and Friends is bitching about Obama.

The Australian government is confirming that a drunk George Papadopoulos blabbed about Russian "dirt" on Hillary Clinton back in May of 2016. With the Mueller Report now complete, the Aussies have released a classified cable that shows Alexander Downer, an Aussie diplomat, sat down with Papadopoulos to talk about Trump's foreign policy (or lack thereof) and the dumb bastard spilled his guts like a boozed up frat bro. The meeting freaked out downer so much that he immediately sent a memo to his superiors.

Kremlin spokesman and D-list porn impersonator Dmitry Peskov issued a statement saying there was NO COLLUSION in the 2016 election, "because there was none."

Now that HUD Secretary Ben Carson is no longer hibernating, he wants to make sure undocumented immigrants don't have access to public housing assistance. Under a new proposal sent to Congress Wednesday night, HUD outlines a plan to screen all HUD-assisted people under 62 through a process called "SAVE" in order to cut down on public housing wait lists. Advocates are quick to note that HUD is already legally obligated not to provide financial assistance to undocumented people, so nobody knows what the hell Carson is doing.

Rightwing militia groups are stopping asylum-seeking immigrants at the southern border, often identifying themselves as police while pointing long guns. One group maintains they're making "a verbal citizens arrest" and "support the Border Patrol." Yesterday human rights groups joined New Mexico Gov. Michelle Lujan Grisham and condemned the militia groups, saying, "It should go without saying that regular citizens have no authority to arrest or detain anyone."

The National Enquirer is being sold for $100 million to James Cohen, the CEO of airport travel retailer Hudson News. According to the lofty agreement, staffers will stay in place and Cohen plans to use the tabloid's archives for documentaries and podcasts.

Joe Biden went to Boston to give a speech to striking supermarket workers, not to announce #HesRunning (yet). Biden stated he was "so sick and tired of the way everybody's being treated," and talked about a "fair wage" and "decent health care," adding "We will take back this country ... I mean it." This morning The Atlantic's Edward-Isaac Doveres write that #HesRunning, and will announce next week, but first he needs to get this shit together.

Facebook's secure messaging platform WhatsApp has a big Nazi problem in Germany. Buzzfeed reports users have been creating and sharing Nazi imagery and racist and anti-Semitic chain letters despite explicit bans. The company has struggled in recent years to control the spread of Nazi bullshit due to concerns over user privacy. And this is why we can't have nice things!

SURPRISE! Facebook waited until Mueller Day to announce it stored hundreds of millions of passwords in plain text files as far back as 2012. In an update to a blog post from March 21, Facebook says it wasn't thousands of users who were potentially compromised, it was millions, but it's cool because an internal investigation found nothing was fucked. In related news, federal regulators investigating Facebook's constant privacy breaches and coverups are said to be weighing options that could range from greater transparency and oversight, to removing its shithead CEO Mark Zuckerberg.

At first the dog urinating on her leg was comforting. Its warmth trickled down her body and enveloped her like the American flag blanket Ronnie had given her during one of their secret trysts to the White House gift shop, but Dame Peggington suddenly felt a chill as the piss puddle began to cool. She shuddered and swung a half empty gin bottle at the pooch as it scampered away. Chasing after the bottle she thought about the blanket and of the other relics we leave behind as we forge ahead. Perhaps Ramon stashed the blanket in a dusty box of forgotten memories before he was deported, or perhaps he stole it. Oh Ramon, she mused, what adventures he must be living with his new life in Puerto-Mexico, or wherever it is brown people go.

A dumb ass got loose and started running around a major Chicago highway yesterday. Body camera footage shows a flummoxed officer attempting to corral the stubborn ass. After securing the animal, the local sheriff's department tweeted, "Shrek was nowhere to be found."

And here's your morning Nice Time: BABY GOATS IN SWEATERS! Happy Zombie Jesus Weekend!

Protective New Mama Goat

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Dominic Gwinn

Dominic is a broke journalist in Chicago. You can find him in a dirty bar talking to weirdos, or lying in a gutter taking photos.

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

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'Baby Geniuses' star Jon Voight took to Twitter early this morning to proclaim his undying love for Donald Trump, probably because there is no one left in his life who will listen to him talk about this, or anything else, in person. In this video rant, Voight encouraged members of the Republican Party, whom he apparently thinks are the only real citizens of the United States, to stand by Donald Trump and "acknowledge the truth" that he is the best President since Abraham Lincoln.

Part ONE:

People of the Republican Party, I know you will agree with me when I say our president has our utmost respect and our love. This job is not easy. For he's battling the left and their absurd words of destruction. I've said this once and I'll say this again. That our nation has been built on the solid ground from our forefathers, and there is a moral code of duty that has been passed on from President Lincoln. I'm here today to acknowledge the truth, and I'm here today to tell you my fellow Americans that our country…

Oh no, not our absurd words of destruction!

Part DEUX:

is stronger, safer, and with more jobs because our President has made his every move correct. Don't be fooled by the political left, because we are the people of this nation that is witnessing triumph. So let us stand with our president. Let us stand up for this truth, that President Trump is the greatest president since President Lincoln.

Does Jon Voight not know there have been... other presidents? Can he name them? Because really, it does not sound like it. Does he also not know that a very big chunk of the Republican Party actually does not care very much for Abraham Lincoln? Namely those defenders of Confederate statues that Trump called "very fine people?" Also, did he intentionally diss their beloved Ronald Reagan?

Who can know? Who can even tell what he is trying to say or why he is trying to say it. He doesn't appear to have tweeted much since 2016, so I'm guessing whoever's job it was to keep him from tanking his career quit. Either that... or after filming the seventh season of Ray Donovan, he found out it's going to be canceled or his character is getting killed off or something and he is now free to be a jackass? I don't know, I haven't watched the show, although my parents are very into it and mad that I haven't watched it. Literally all I know about it is that it has something to do with Boston, because they keep mentioning that to me like it's a selling point.

It seems useless at this point to note that the people who scream their faces off about how bad it is for Hollywood celebs to support liberal causes, and how they should keep their politics to themselves, etc. etc. make a way bigger deal than normal people do whenever a Big Time Hollywood Celebrity like Jon Voight or, uh, Scott Baio, supports their cause. Mostly because they're the only ones who have elected a reality TV star and the star of Bedtime for Bonzo (who by the way, also once practically ruined a perfectly good Bette Davis movie with his bad acting. Which is not to say that Dark Victory is not fantastic and probably the best thing to watch if you want to sob your face off, but he was very bad in it.) to run the country.

But we might as well do that anyway, because it actually never stops being funny.

[Jon Voight Twitter]

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