Giuliani's ON IT. Wonkagenda For Mon., April 22, 2019


Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today!

Yes, we'll be doing Part Million (four?) finishing up our Mueller Report Liveblog! Check back next!

Rudy Giuliani ran around the Sunday shows sweating profusely as he lied his ass off about Trump-Russia stuff. On Meet the Press, Giuliani was (still) screaming about HER EMAILS in an effort to cast doubt on Mueller finding murky connections between Trump's 2016 campaign and Russia, and suggested it wasn't necessarily a bad thing to use stolen "dirt" against political opponents. Mr. 9/11 then accused Mueller of torturing Paul Manafort, and doubled down on CNN, stating, "There's nothing wrong with taking information from the Russians," but added, "I would have advised, just out of an excess of caution, don't do it." Later, Giuliani went on Fox News where he got philosophical with Chris Wallace and whined, "When did Mueller become God?" Giuliani then bitched about HER EMAILS after Chris Wallace flat-out called him a liar, screaming, "Nobody crushed cell phones like Hillary did; nobody deleted 33,000 emails like Hilary's people did, and nobody bleached a server like Hillary did." (Note: According to the Mueller Report, they did.) [Transcripts: MTP / SOTU / Fox ]

White House TV talking head and desperate housewife Kellyanne Conway was also yammering on about EXONERATION, telling ABC's Martha Raddatz that it wasn't "the job" of a prosecutor to #LockThemUp (it actually is). KaC then lied about a bunch of other crap while her husband sat on the couch retweeting people who think we should impeach Trump.

Trump's 2020 campaign has "You're Fired" Don McGahn's super fancy law firm, Jones Day, after the Mueller report revealed McGahn was snitching. Publicly, Trump World says they're simply saving money, but the usual cadre of unnamed assholes tells Politico that it's "payback" for all the times McGahn shat on Javanka, and for trying to quit instead of doing Trump's "crazy shit."

The New York Times has a long, windy yarn about how Michael Cohen flipped on Trump after everyone else fucked off to DC. It's a good piece, and serves as a decent reminder that all these people are self-serving scumbags.

Similarly, WaPo has its own super long tale about how Robert Mueller investigated Russian fuckery in the 2016 campaign, and how Trump World's constant lying kept leading investigators down dead end roads.

US prosecutors want to lock up CONVICTED Russian spy Maria Butina for 18 months as part of a plea deal, but her lawyers argue she shouldn't serve any jail time, and should instead be deported like common Mexican.

Nixon "rat fucking" hatchet man and Trump lackey Roger Stone is (ALLEGEDLY) broke, so he's speaking at titty bars in order to raise cash for his legal defense.

A new Reuters/Ipsos poll shows Trump's approval rating has cratered (again), in the wake of the Mueller Report, leaving him at a new record low of 37 percent. [Data For Nerds]

After being barred from attending a roundtable discussion about "school choice" featuring Education Secretary Betsy DeVos and Kentucky Republican Governor Matt Bevin, student journalists at Paul Laurence Dunbar High School decided to write a brutal editorial wondering why public school students, parents and teachers weren't invited. The student journos did some shoe leather reporting and it was really a forum for a Koch brothers PAC, the local business community, and the state school board to bitch and moan about public schools. The outrage spurred one local member of the Fayette County board of education to mock the meeting on Twitter:

Jared Kushner's prison reform bill has a nasty little caveat for low-level offenders. A provision in the law forces people who've been part of pretrial prison avoidance programs to disclose they're currently floating around in judicial purgatory. Prison reform advocates argue disclosing this kind of personal information negates the entire point of the pretrial programs, and that the bill actually makes it harder for people convicted or accused of crimes to get government jobs.

The notorious RBG made the rest of SCOTUS look like a bunch of boobs during a trademark case about the use of the word "FUCT." Without getting into a law 'splainer, just know that RBG pointed out the hypocrisy in conservatives, and there were many potty words justices did their damndest to avoid saying out loud.

House Democrats are quietly whispering about slavery reparations, but there's some disagreement on just how far we should go. The whippersnappers caucus want to have frank and open discussions about our sordid past, but Democratic leaders are urging caution, instead offering support for an exhaustive study on the impact of reparations. In the meantime, House Democratic leaders want to steer cash to programs that can immediately help minority minority communities, like public health programs, historically black colleges, and food deserts.

INDICTED California Republican Rep. Duncan Hunter released a video that depicted him attempting to cross "THE BORDER" between US and Mexico in Yuma, Arizona. A spox for Hunter says he was only simulating how easy it is for Mexican Muslims to invade the southern border with their taco trucks, and that the indicted rep didn't actually violate his parole -- he was simply pulling a dumbass stunt. [Video]

Massachusetts Democratic Rep. Seth Moulton says #HesRunning. In a campaign video that went live this morning, the 40-year-old Marine combat veteran centers his campaign around national defense and Trump. Moulton will now run around to early primary states and radio shows and try not to make an ass out of himself (again).

Washington state Republican Senator Maureen Walsh might want to avoid hospitals for a while after she accused nurses of playing "cards for a considerable amount of the day." Walsh's comments came in support of an amendment that would exclude small and rural hospitals from a bill requiring "rest breaks" for nurses. Shortly thereafter, nurses started posting grizzly photos of bloody emergency rooms to social media; reminding the world that they regularly work 12 hour shifts without pee breaks.

Axios gossips Secretary of State Mike Pompeo told a group of Iranian-Americans that the Trump administration wasn't planning to bomb-bomb-bomb bomb-bomb Iran, despite what the neocons and the rest of Trump World says. Pompeo said they'd rather win hearts and minds by encouraging non-violent regime change. This morning a number of news outlets reported the administration is expected to end sanctions waivers for US allies and trade partners who buy oil from Iran.

The leader of some redneck militia was arrested by the FBI after the group filmed themselves detaining undocumented immigrants along the Mexican border. Larry Mitchell Hopkins, 69, was arrested for being a felon hoarding tons of guns and ammo.

John Oliver 'splainered bits of Mueller's Trump-Russia report.

Mueller Report: Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (HBO)

BONUS: Happy Earth Day, y'all! Here's rapper Lil' Dickey's new video encouraging you to love the Earth (and pick up some trash)!

Lil Dicky - Earth (Official Music Video)

And here's your morning Nice Time! BABY GOATS IN SWEATERS!

Have a Super Hoppy Day

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Dominic Gwinn

Dominic is a broke journalist in Chicago. You can find him in a dirty bar talking to weirdos, or lying in a gutter taking photos.

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

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'Baby Geniuses' star Jon Voight took to Twitter early this morning to proclaim his undying love for Donald Trump, probably because there is no one left in his life who will listen to him talk about this, or anything else, in person. In this video rant, Voight encouraged members of the Republican Party, whom he apparently thinks are the only real citizens of the United States, to stand by Donald Trump and "acknowledge the truth" that he is the best President since Abraham Lincoln.

Part ONE:

People of the Republican Party, I know you will agree with me when I say our president has our utmost respect and our love. This job is not easy. For he's battling the left and their absurd words of destruction. I've said this once and I'll say this again. That our nation has been built on the solid ground from our forefathers, and there is a moral code of duty that has been passed on from President Lincoln. I'm here today to acknowledge the truth, and I'm here today to tell you my fellow Americans that our country…

Oh no, not our absurd words of destruction!

Part DEUX:

is stronger, safer, and with more jobs because our President has made his every move correct. Don't be fooled by the political left, because we are the people of this nation that is witnessing triumph. So let us stand with our president. Let us stand up for this truth, that President Trump is the greatest president since President Lincoln.

Does Jon Voight not know there have been... other presidents? Can he name them? Because really, it does not sound like it. Does he also not know that a very big chunk of the Republican Party actually does not care very much for Abraham Lincoln? Namely those defenders of Confederate statues that Trump called "very fine people?" Also, did he intentionally diss their beloved Ronald Reagan?

Who can know? Who can even tell what he is trying to say or why he is trying to say it. He doesn't appear to have tweeted much since 2016, so I'm guessing whoever's job it was to keep him from tanking his career quit. Either that... or after filming the seventh season of Ray Donovan, he found out it's going to be canceled or his character is getting killed off or something and he is now free to be a jackass? I don't know, I haven't watched the show, although my parents are very into it and mad that I haven't watched it. Literally all I know about it is that it has something to do with Boston, because they keep mentioning that to me like it's a selling point.

It seems useless at this point to note that the people who scream their faces off about how bad it is for Hollywood celebs to support liberal causes, and how they should keep their politics to themselves, etc. etc. make a way bigger deal than normal people do whenever a Big Time Hollywood Celebrity like Jon Voight or, uh, Scott Baio, supports their cause. Mostly because they're the only ones who have elected a reality TV star and the star of Bedtime for Bonzo (who by the way, also once practically ruined a perfectly good Bette Davis movie with his bad acting. Which is not to say that Dark Victory is not fantastic and probably the best thing to watch if you want to sob your face off, but he was very bad in it.) to run the country.

But we might as well do that anyway, because it actually never stops being funny.

[Jon Voight Twitter]

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