Jack A Dull Boy. Wonkagenda For Wed., April 24, 2019


Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

In order to save avoid creating more political, ethical, or legal scandals for Congress to investigate, Trump's White House intends to erect a WALL built on white executive privilege whenever Congress subpoenas either documents or current/former White House officials. Last night Trump told WaPo he doesn't "want people testifying to a party, because that is what they're doing if they do this," adding that he already "allowed" his "people" to testify to Robert Mueller's justice league of extraordinary investigators. Law nerds point out that tantrums are not an effective legal strategy, and that Trump's efforts to hide his tax returns, disregard subpoenas, and hide documents are setting up a constitutional crisis. For their part, unnamed (natch) officials gossip that Trump is trying to "run out the clock" believing it's better to just drag shit on and on. Another Trump advisor tells Politico, "No one should be surprised that this White House is following a time-honored tradition of ignoring partisan subpoenas."

After ignoring yet another deadline to submit Trump's tax returns to the House Ways and Means Committee, Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin bitches in a 10-page letter that the request violates both the Constitution and privacy (it doesn't). Mnuchin now says he'll make a "decision" on releasing Trump's tax returns by May 6, but we're not holding our breath.

Axios gossips American prince Jared Kushner has been telling Republicans on the Hill that he has a "neutral" immigration plan to counter whatever horribly racist crap Stephen Miller is cooking up in the bowels of the White House. Nobody knows what's in the plan, but rumormongers whisper Kushner's magical cure-all has been crafted with the aid of senior Senate Republicans, the Koch network, and a bunch of other rich SOBs who look after corporate America.

ACTING DHS Secretary Kevin McAleenan tells NBC's Lester Holt that Trump's family separation policy is "not on the table" and that it was "not worth it." McAleenan says the policy "does deter behavior" from all the spooky brown people invading the southern border with their taco truck driving anchor babies, but admits Trump's baby jails "do not work if you lose the public trust." McAleenan goes on to say that the administration never meant to create a generation of orphaned immigrant children raised in concentration camps, and that it now intends to keep families together.

Caving to pressure from the Trump administration, Mexico is now detaining migrant caravans headed to the US-Mexico border. The Wall Street Journal reports many of the migrants are women and children from Central America, but there is an increasing number of asylum seekers from Asia and Africa. Similarly, the New York Times reports ICE officials are scrambling to find places to stash immigrants, including renting jails and dumping immigrants at GitMo. Once again, Trump woke up and started shitposting about spooky brown people this morning, and threatened to close the southern border.

Border patrol agents found a 3-year-old immigrant boy crying in a cornfield near the Texas border on Tuesday morning. According to officials, he has his name and a phone number written on his shoes. It's believed the boy was traveling with a larger group who ran when they spotted border patrol agents.

STOP! It's emergency baby goat time!

Everybody Jump Jump

AG Bill Barr is attempting to kick down the doors of an investigation into money laundering in Trump's re-election fund. The Eastern District of New York is digging into funny money raised by shady people and foreign nationals, including a Malaysian fugitive who donated $100,000 of stolen money to the Trump Victory committee.

Former DHS Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen tried to get a bunch of Trump's Cabinet officials together to create a plan for countering Russian fuckery in the 2020 election, but ACTING Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney scuttled the idea because he was worried it would hurt our God-Emperor's delicate feelings.

The investigation into Navy Special Operations Chief Edward "Eddie" Gallagher ALLEGEDLY murdering civilians in Afghanistan has a "frag radius" that threatens to fuck up a big chunk of military culture. The New York Times got its hands on documents that show members of Gallagher's platoon were told to shut the hell up or risk losing SEAL status (or worse) if they tried to report Gallagher and the (ALLEGED) cover up. Chief Gallagher faces more than a dozen charges, including posing with the lifeless body of a teenage Islamic State prisoner during the Battle of Mosul for his re-enlistment ceremony.

Trump's last surviving Fed pick, TV economist Stephen Moore, is crying that all the feminazis are "pulling a Kavanaugh against [him]" after people dug up all the sexist bullshit published a little more than 10 years ago. Moore is also blubbering that he's "taking a 60 percent pay cut to do this job," and we should respect his dedication to public service.

Maryland Republican Gov. Larry Hogan went to New Hampshire to say he too is considering a 2020 challenge to Trump. Hogan said a "growing" number of Republicans are begging him, and that he owes it to them to "give it serious consideration." Hogan added that there was "some very disturbing stuff" found in the Mueller Report, later telling the Baltimore Sun that Trump "tried" to obstruct justice "over and over again."

Here's a long profile on former Massachusetts governor and 2020 Republican candidate Bill Weld. It's a nice story if you're into Republican masochism.

Iowa Republican Rep. Steve King is now comparing himself to Jesus after he was roasted and ratioed for making (more) white supremacist comments. "I have a better insight into what He went through for us, partly because of that experience," King proselytized to a gaggle of God-fearing geriatrics at a town hall. King then used an analogy about running over a dog as a way to prove that #Murica is a "Christian nation."

Iowa state Rep. Andy McKean, the longest serving Republican in the Iowa state legislature, has become a Democrat. Mckean says that Trump, as the leader of the party, is a YUGE reckless asshole and sets a bad example for the children. McKean ultimately concludes, "If this is the new normal, I want no part of it."

Trump woke up praising the guy who pushed the Michelle Obama "whitey" tape conspiracy in yet another bid to accuse the Obama administration of spying. Media Matters's Matt Gertz notes that back in 2017, Sean Spicer sparked an international incident by quoting the same lying asshat.

Fox News's Martha MacCallum -- lauded by Fox as being a "straight news" anchor -- let Rush Limbaugh bloviate racist diatribes and conspiracy theories on her show yesterday. Shortly thereafter, Trump shitposted a video of the segment, so Hannity kept up the circlejerk.

On Sunday Twitter nuked about 5,000 pro-Trump bot accounts spewing "the phrase "RussiaGate hoax" on Mueller Day last week. According to nerds and security officials, the accounts seem connected to Saudi Arabia and Egypt, and whoever was operating the accounts was trying get the phrase into Twitter's trending topics. As usual, Trump was pissed about losing "followers" and summoned Twitter's fuckwit douchebag CEO, @Jack Dorsey, to nerdsplain bots and cyber fuckery. The two of them then tweeted a bad photo and some horseshit about creating an open dialogue.

Trump might hate the White House press corps, but he sure loves the photographers. BRB, gotta vomit and find a telephoto lens that shows Trump's makeup caked pores and skin lesions.

And here's your morning Nice Time: OKAPI ZOOMIES!

Okapi Calf Debuts at the San Diego Zoo

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Dominic Gwinn

Dominic is a broke journalist in Chicago. You can find him in a dirty bar talking to weirdos, or lying in a gutter taking photos.

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

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'Baby Geniuses' star Jon Voight took to Twitter early this morning to proclaim his undying love for Donald Trump, probably because there is no one left in his life who will listen to him talk about this, or anything else, in person. In this video rant, Voight encouraged members of the Republican Party, whom he apparently thinks are the only real citizens of the United States, to stand by Donald Trump and "acknowledge the truth" that he is the best President since Abraham Lincoln.

Part ONE:

People of the Republican Party, I know you will agree with me when I say our president has our utmost respect and our love. This job is not easy. For he's battling the left and their absurd words of destruction. I've said this once and I'll say this again. That our nation has been built on the solid ground from our forefathers, and there is a moral code of duty that has been passed on from President Lincoln. I'm here today to acknowledge the truth, and I'm here today to tell you my fellow Americans that our country…

Oh no, not our absurd words of destruction!

Part DEUX:

is stronger, safer, and with more jobs because our President has made his every move correct. Don't be fooled by the political left, because we are the people of this nation that is witnessing triumph. So let us stand with our president. Let us stand up for this truth, that President Trump is the greatest president since President Lincoln.

Does Jon Voight not know there have been... other presidents? Can he name them? Because really, it does not sound like it. Does he also not know that a very big chunk of the Republican Party actually does not care very much for Abraham Lincoln? Namely those defenders of Confederate statues that Trump called "very fine people?" Also, did he intentionally diss their beloved Ronald Reagan?

Who can know? Who can even tell what he is trying to say or why he is trying to say it. He doesn't appear to have tweeted much since 2016, so I'm guessing whoever's job it was to keep him from tanking his career quit. Either that... or after filming the seventh season of Ray Donovan, he found out it's going to be canceled or his character is getting killed off or something and he is now free to be a jackass? I don't know, I haven't watched the show, although my parents are very into it and mad that I haven't watched it. Literally all I know about it is that it has something to do with Boston, because they keep mentioning that to me like it's a selling point.

It seems useless at this point to note that the people who scream their faces off about how bad it is for Hollywood celebs to support liberal causes, and how they should keep their politics to themselves, etc. etc. make a way bigger deal than normal people do whenever a Big Time Hollywood Celebrity like Jon Voight or, uh, Scott Baio, supports their cause. Mostly because they're the only ones who have elected a reality TV star and the star of Bedtime for Bonzo (who by the way, also once practically ruined a perfectly good Bette Davis movie with his bad acting. Which is not to say that Dark Victory is not fantastic and probably the best thing to watch if you want to sob your face off, but he was very bad in it.) to run the country.

But we might as well do that anyway, because it actually never stops being funny.

[Jon Voight Twitter]

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