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Jack A Dull Boy. Wonkagenda For Wed., April 24, 2019

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Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.


In order to save avoid creating more political, ethical, or legal scandals for Congress to investigate, Trump's White House intends to erect a WALL built on white executive privilege whenever Congress subpoenas either documents or current/former White House officials. Last night Trump told WaPo he doesn't "want people testifying to a party, because that is what they're doing if they do this," adding that he already "allowed" his "people" to testify to Robert Mueller's justice league of extraordinary investigators. Law nerds point out that tantrums are not an effective legal strategy, and that Trump's efforts to hide his tax returns, disregard subpoenas, and hide documents are setting up a constitutional crisis. For their part, unnamed (natch) officials gossip that Trump is trying to "run out the clock" believing it's better to just drag shit on and on. Another Trump advisor tells Politico, "No one should be surprised that this White House is following a time-honored tradition of ignoring partisan subpoenas."

After ignoring yet another deadline to submit Trump's tax returns to the House Ways and Means Committee, Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin bitches in a 10-page letter that the request violates both the Constitution and privacy (it doesn't). Mnuchin now says he'll make a "decision" on releasing Trump's tax returns by May 6, but we're not holding our breath.

Axios gossips American prince Jared Kushner has been telling Republicans on the Hill that he has a "neutral" immigration plan to counter whatever horribly racist crap Stephen Miller is cooking up in the bowels of the White House. Nobody knows what's in the plan, but rumormongers whisper Kushner's magical cure-all has been crafted with the aid of senior Senate Republicans, the Koch network, and a bunch of other rich SOBs who look after corporate America.

ACTING DHS Secretary Kevin McAleenan tells NBC's Lester Holt that Trump's family separation policy is "not on the table" and that it was "not worth it." McAleenan says the policy "does deter behavior" from all the spooky brown people invading the southern border with their taco truck driving anchor babies, but admits Trump's baby jails "do not work if you lose the public trust." McAleenan goes on to say that the administration never meant to create a generation of orphaned immigrant children raised in concentration camps, and that it now intends to keep families together.

Caving to pressure from the Trump administration, Mexico is now detaining migrant caravans headed to the US-Mexico border. The Wall Street Journal reports many of the migrants are women and children from Central America, but there is an increasing number of asylum seekers from Asia and Africa. Similarly, the New York Times reports ICE officials are scrambling to find places to stash immigrants, including renting jails and dumping immigrants at GitMo. Once again, Trump woke up and started shitposting about spooky brown people this morning, and threatened to close the southern border.

Border patrol agents found a 3-year-old immigrant boy crying in a cornfield near the Texas border on Tuesday morning. According to officials, he has his name and a phone number written on his shoes. It's believed the boy was traveling with a larger group who ran when they spotted border patrol agents.

STOP! It's emergency baby goat time!

Everybody Jump Jump www.youtube.com

AG Bill Barr is attempting to kick down the doors of an investigation into money laundering in Trump's re-election fund. The Eastern District of New York is digging into funny money raised by shady people and foreign nationals, including a Malaysian fugitive who donated $100,000 of stolen money to the Trump Victory committee.

Former DHS Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen tried to get a bunch of Trump's Cabinet officials together to create a plan for countering Russian fuckery in the 2020 election, but ACTING Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney scuttled the idea because he was worried it would hurt our God-Emperor's delicate feelings.

The investigation into Navy Special Operations Chief Edward "Eddie" Gallagher ALLEGEDLY murdering civilians in Afghanistan has a "frag radius" that threatens to fuck up a big chunk of military culture. The New York Times got its hands on documents that show members of Gallagher's platoon were told to shut the hell up or risk losing SEAL status (or worse) if they tried to report Gallagher and the (ALLEGED) cover up. Chief Gallagher faces more than a dozen charges, including posing with the lifeless body of a teenage Islamic State prisoner during the Battle of Mosul for his re-enlistment ceremony.

Trump's last surviving Fed pick, TV economist Stephen Moore, is crying that all the feminazis are "pulling a Kavanaugh against [him]" after people dug up all the sexist bullshit published a little more than 10 years ago. Moore is also blubbering that he's "taking a 60 percent pay cut to do this job," and we should respect his dedication to public service.

Maryland Republican Gov. Larry Hogan went to New Hampshire to say he too is considering a 2020 challenge to Trump. Hogan said a "growing" number of Republicans are begging him, and that he owes it to them to "give it serious consideration." Hogan added that there was "some very disturbing stuff" found in the Mueller Report, later telling the Baltimore Sun that Trump "tried" to obstruct justice "over and over again."

Here's a long profile on former Massachusetts governor and 2020 Republican candidate Bill Weld. It's a nice story if you're into Republican masochism.

Iowa Republican Rep. Steve King is now comparing himself to Jesus after he was roasted and ratioed for making (more) white supremacist comments. "I have a better insight into what He went through for us, partly because of that experience," King proselytized to a gaggle of God-fearing geriatrics at a town hall. King then used an analogy about running over a dog as a way to prove that #Murica is a "Christian nation."

Iowa state Rep. Andy McKean, the longest serving Republican in the Iowa state legislature, has become a Democrat. Mckean says that Trump, as the leader of the party, is a YUGE reckless asshole and sets a bad example for the children. McKean ultimately concludes, "If this is the new normal, I want no part of it."

Trump woke up praising the guy who pushed the Michelle Obama "whitey" tape conspiracy in yet another bid to accuse the Obama administration of spying. Media Matters's Matt Gertz notes that back in 2017, Sean Spicer sparked an international incident by quoting the same lying asshat.

Fox News's Martha MacCallum -- lauded by Fox as being a "straight news" anchor -- let Rush Limbaugh bloviate racist diatribes and conspiracy theories on her show yesterday. Shortly thereafter, Trump shitposted a video of the segment, so Hannity kept up the circlejerk.

On Sunday Twitter nuked about 5,000 pro-Trump bot accounts spewing "the phrase "RussiaGate hoax" on Mueller Day last week. According to nerds and security officials, the accounts seem connected to Saudi Arabia and Egypt, and whoever was operating the accounts was trying get the phrase into Twitter's trending topics. As usual, Trump was pissed about losing "followers" and summoned Twitter's fuckwit douchebag CEO, @Jack Dorsey, to nerdsplain bots and cyber fuckery. The two of them then tweeted a bad photo and some horseshit about creating an open dialogue.

Trump might hate the White House press corps, but he sure loves the photographers. BRB, gotta vomit and find a telephoto lens that shows Trump's makeup caked pores and skin lesions.

And here's your morning Nice Time: OKAPI ZOOMIES!

Okapi Calf Debuts at the San Diego Zoo www.youtube.com

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Dominic Gwinn

Dominic is a broke journalist in Chicago. You can find him in a dirty bar talking to weirdos, or in a gutter taking photos.

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