'Remain Calm!' Wonkagenda For Friday, August 23, 2019

'Remain Calm!' Wonkagenda For Friday, August 23, 2019

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

The Washington Post has a great story on how Trump World has begun to panic at the thought of a recession ruining "The Chosen One's" chances in 2020. His minions are scrambling to paint rosy pictures of the economy so fear doesn't leak from the West Wing to Wall Street. This morning Trump shitposted that everything is bigly fine (natch), but bean counters are reporting that manufacturing fell to its lowest levels in 10 years thanks to the trade wars breaking Uncle Sam's back. On top of that, Axios gossips that Trump's trade war with China won't be resolved anytime soon, and his idiot advisers are actually digging in due to a combination of general stupidity, and concerns about potential skull cracking in Hong Kong (and maybe even Taiwan). Later today, Fed chair Jerome Powell is expected to signal whether or not there's another interest rate cut in our future, with the hope of snoozing all the economic indicators that say we're fucked. Late this morning CNBC reported China announced it would add another $75 billion in retaliatory tariffs on the US because trade wars are easy to win.

Billionaire fuckwad David Koch has died at the age of 79, according to multiplereports. He retired from (or was forced out of) the family political business last year. And to think, he never got to see the world devastated by the climate denial he helped spread.

France and the rest of the world's leaders are hoping to ignore Trump and minimize the drama at this weekend's G-7 summit, but Trump's is expected to walk in (probably late, again) and tell everyone to "be like us."

The NRA has "You're Fired" its long time lawyers, and the gun fetishists are blaming it on a media conspiracy "wrapped in lies." Delicious!

Architects have begun modeling schools after World War I trenches so that it's harder to kill kids. This comes as parents buy bulletproof backpacks and teachers add tourniquets and sharpies to their list of school supplies. Don't forget the Peppa Pig toe tags!

Samantha Bee and her team at Full Frontal gathered up their best pieces on gun control and edited them into a maddening half-hour video to remind us that gun violence is a problem that can't be buried in a hole (like its victims).

Full Frontal Rewind: Gun Control | Full Frontal on TBSwww.youtube.com

The number of Not Americans arrested by Uncle Sam tripled in 2018, accounting for 64 percent of people nabbed by law enforcement, according to a new report by the Bureau of Justice Statistics. Noncitizens make up only seven percent of the total US population, and the majority of the crimes the long, flabby arm of the law is snatching them up for are immigration offenses. [Summary / Report]

Andrew Meehan, the top aide for Acting Homeland Security Secretary Kevin McAleenan, is being quit-fired after the White House threw another tantrum. Axios gossips that Trump sees McAleenan as a DEEP STATE Obama holdover, and is pissed about all the bad media coverage the administration's horrific immigration policies have been receiving, like an attempt to reverse the Flores Agreement, and the ICE raids last months.

The administration has finalized its rules for Utah's Grand Staircase-Escalante National Monument. The new rules expand the capability for energy companies to frack and fuck the land to their hearts' content, and lets rednecks run amok on ATVs. In a bit of nice time, The Bureau of Land Management decided not to sell off an additional 2.5 square miles (not a typo) of the 1,345 square mile monument. Hurray?

EMAILS obtained by the Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington confirm that three super rich jerkoffs have been mucking about in Veterans Affairs. The emails show how many officials felt the Trump's customers/friends were incompetent, but officials still went out of their way to make them happy. Meanwhile, Politico reports the administration's flagship $16 billion project to overhaul VA medical records has hit yet another snag thanks to the trio's meddling, and a series of catastrophic computer fuck-ups. Thanks anyway, Jared!

House Judiciary chair Jerry Nadler is continuing to move forward with his probe into an impeachment inquiry, asking the House Intelligence, Financial Services, Oversight and Reform, and Foreign Affairs panels to send him whatever evidence they've got that could help him make a final decision. A new Monmouth University poll shows only 35 percent of Americans want to #IMPEACH, and 41 percent support the House Judiciary opening an impeachment inquiry. The poll shows most people think #MoscowMitch would lead the Senate to declare Trump TOTALLY EXONERATED, thereby emboldening Trump to shitpost and scream for another four, eight, or forever years. Meanwhile, 57 percent feel like we should just vote the SOB out.

Republicans are practically begging Mike Pompeo to run for the Senate. There's a real fear flowing from the bowels of #MoscowMitch that he might not be able to appease his super rich friends if Republicans lose control of the Senate in 2020, but Trump has grown increasingly reliant upon Pompeo to mansplain stuff about "shithole countries."

Sen. Bernie Sanders has a $16.3 trillion dollar plan to save the Earth. Sanders is likening his plan to FDR's nationalization of the manufacturing sector during World War II. The plan calls for dumping hundreds of billions of Ameros into the fossil fuel and nuclear energy sector to phase out them out.

ABC has announced the rules for the third Democratic primary debate. So far only 10 candidates have made the cut for the next debate, which is scheduled to be held Thursday, September 12.

One person who won't be in the next debate is Rep. Seth Moulton. He just dropped out!

ICYMI: Hate crimes in the District of Columbia have soared in the past two years, and Trump-appointed US Attorney for DC Jessie K. Liu has done doodly-squat. Petula Dvorak writes the city saw 204 reported hate crimes last year, and only three of the 59 arrests were actually prosecuted. Dvorak says, "That's a year of gay men being beaten, black girls being threatened, transgender women being hurt, synagogues being harassed, Muslims being taunted and a Trump supporter smacked in a restaurant ... The bigots and bullies, in other words, are getting away with it."

An anti-vaxer in Sacramento, California has been arrested for live streaming himself shoving state Sen. Richard Pan. In the video, Kenneth Austin Bennett, a prominent crackpot, admits to the assault and claims he did it because Pan, a pediatrician, was "lying, laughing at us, and for treason." [Dok here: Faulty parallelism!] Bennet adds that Pan "got what he deserved," and "would be hanged for treason for assaulting children, for misrepresenting the truth." [Video]

THIS JUST IN: Yoga is still illegal in Alabama public schools. The State Department of Education calls yoga a "Hindu philosophy and method of religious training" that ALLEGEDLY makes people think too much about life, the universe, and everything. Keep that third eye blindfolded!

Apple is advising people users of its fancy new credit card (for the fabulously well to do) not to put it in leather wallets, denim pockets, or next to loose change. Users of the titanium card should leave it in glass houses, far from stones, to protect its image.If only grifty Rep. Duncan Hunter had had a credit card he couldn't use.

Some science bitches took a look at monthly retail data from pharmacies and grocery stores in 2,000 counties in 48 states between 2006 and 2016 and found states with recreational weed sell a lot of junk food. The Economist reports that Colorado, Oregon, and Washington saw the sales ice cream, cookies, and chips spike following passage, and an inverse trend in alcohol sales.

Graph by The Economist

MEANWHILE, Fox News talking heads are super worried about all the homelesses "shooting up" their marijuanas, because that's a thing that happens.

The Daily Show took a look back at all the shady shit the super rich have been trying to get away with over the last few months.

Crazy Rich Nation | The Daily Showyoutu.be

And here's your morning Nice Time: CHEETAH CUBS!

Cheetah Cub Kris Eating Solid Food and Full of Energy - Cincinnati Zoowww.youtube.com

Follow Dominic on Twitter and Instagram!

We're 100% ad-free and reader supported, so consider buying us coffee, or get a subscription!

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Dominic Gwinn

Dominic is a broke journalist in Chicago. You can find him in a dirty bar talking to weirdos, or in a gutter taking photos.


How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)


©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc