They 'Even Took The Chairs.' Wonkagenda For Thurs., Oct. 24, 2019

They 'Even Took The Chairs.' Wonkagenda For Thurs., Oct. 24, 2019

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

Laura Cooper, a Pentagon official who fought to secure the release of $400 million in military aide to Ukraine -- money that was withheld by Trump as part of a blackmail campaign against Joe Biden -- testified about her efforts to get the aid released, and the Trump administration's efforts to stop her from testifying despite a congressional subpoena. Democrats were rather mum on Cooper's testimony, but House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy did his usual Tea Party song and dance after emerging from the hearing.

Last night Samantha Bee 'splained how this Ukrainium One thing is a bunch of hooey that comes from a disgraced crank.

Origin Story: Peter Schweizer and the Biden/Ukraine Conspiracy | Full Frontal on

A bunch of Trump-loving Tea Party jackoffs stormed the secure facility where Cooper was giving her testimony shortly after she began speaking. Cooper's testimony was delayed five hours as the committee and witnesses fled. Republican Rep. Jim Jordan bitched that House Democrats were so "petty" they "even took the chairs," forcing Republicans to sit on the floor as the gaggle of dimwits demanded pizza. The House Sergeant at Arms declined to arrest them for breaking and entering into a Sensitive Compartmentalized Information Facility (SCIF), and simply waited for them to get bored of their little stunt. Later, self-described "Florida Man" Republican Rep. Matt Gaetz spent the evening running his mouth to tabloids and talking heads, lobbing red meat for all the geriatrics in his Flordi-bama base.

While Republicans spent five hours playing with themselves, Mark Zuckerberg was getting roasted by Democrats in the House Financial Services Committee. Zuckerberg's appearance was meant to reassure skeptical legislators about Facebook's failing proposal to create some internet funny money it calls "Libra," but instead he was grilled about Facebook's litany of scandals, like users' (lack of) privacy, Russian fuckery, and giving a platform to anti-vaxers. Zuckerberg tried to defend Libra with hollow gaslighting, saying it wasn't a way for Facebook to make money (it is), but nobody was buying it. Some of the best moments came when Zuckerberg declined to help Rep. Katie Porter keep Facebook from turning political campaigns into a nightmare, and when Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez took Zuckerberg to task for Facebook's policy of letting politicians lie.

Zuckerberg later went on Fox News to try and bullshit his way into the hearts of conservatives, but in a twist, Dana Perino didn't just let him off the hook. Zuck also did an interview with NBC's Lester Holt where he tried to defend Facebook's Trumpian policy on lies. [Perino / Holt]

The House passed a bill to force political campaigns to report fuckery from foreign governments and restrict campaign-related communication between candidates and foreign governments. The bill isn't likely to go anywhere as #MoscowMitch has called it an assault on the First Amendment, and the White House immediately threatened to veto the bill.

The House just passed a bill to make animal cruelty a felony. It now moves on to the Senate where Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell will probably just put it to sleep.

Freshman Democratic California Rep. Katie Hill is facing an investigation from the House Ethics Committee for sexing up a staffer. Hill has admitted to having an affair with a campaign staffer in 2017 as she and her husband navigate a complicated and contentious divorce, but is denying allegations she was sexing up her legislative director. Vox 'splains that a pro-Trump blog that broke the story may have been tipped off by Hill's former partner, and notes he may have violated strict revenge porn laws in California and DC if he's found to have leaked text messages and nude photos of the rep.

The Trump-appointed US Attorney for the District of Columbia, Jessie Liu, declined to show up for a DC City Council hearing on the rise of hate crimes throughout the city, and her failure to prosecute them. In a statement released just before the hearing began, Liu said the committee had already concluded she sucked at her job "before a full and fair consideration of the facts." (Ironic, ain't it?) The hearing came in response to a Washington Post report showing the city had experienced a dramatic rise in bias-related incidents that Liu's office declined to prosecute as hate crimes.

Maryland Attorney General Brian Frosh is suing a company owned by slumlord-prince Jared Kushner for running 17 "rodent and vermin" infested shitholes that are "plagued with water leaks", and lack "basic utilities." [Lawsuit]

Spread the word: BBC News has created a mirror version of itself for the "dark web" for people living in Russia, China and other authoritarian regimes that restrict internet access and censor news. The site will include Arabic, Persian, and Russian translations.

Rep. Ilhan Omar has a good critique of the US's long history of using sanctions as a tool to pressure rivals and dictatorial regimes, but it's a bit half-baked since Uncle Sam's foreign policy "toolbox" is pretty much just a rusty hammer and a broken screwdriver.

Foxconn's "innovation centers" that Scott Walker sold out Wisconsinites for are officially on hold. Back in April, The Verge reported a number of building sites sat unfinished, while others were virtually empty. Wisconsin Public Radio reports local officials in multiple cities throughout the state say they have no idea what the hell happened to all the jobs promised by Walker and Foxconn.

A sportsball official is being investigated for since-deleted shitposts where he clung desperately to his semi-automatic guns and MAGA religion, and railed about "CIVIL WAR!!!"

A Florida Man was arrested and charged with criminal mischief after he allegedly placed a large stuffed animal snowman on the floor of a department store and dry humped it until he admittedly "nutted." The man then placed the ruined toy back on a shelf and proceeded to try again in a different toy aisle. The man admitted to police that he did "stupid stuff."

Seth Meyers took A Closer Look at SCIF-gate, and points out Trump's freaking out now that his Teflon is wearing off.

Republicans Storm Impeachment Hearing After Bombshell Testimony: A Closer

And here's your morning Nice Time:IT'S OWL KITTY in Lord of the Rings!

Lord of the Rings + My

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Dominic Gwinn

Dominic is a broke journalist in Chicago. You can find him in a dirty bar talking to weirdos, or in a gutter taking photos.


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