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10 Reasons Why George W. Bush Was Such A Very Successful President

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When George W. Bush Junior started that goddamnedwhining during his Last Press Conference, we wanted to crawl through the television screen and throttle him, right there, while he was still technically president. Tragically, current television technology doesn't allow this type of full-immersion interactive Wii hate -- hurry up, digital teevee! -- so we're still pretty annoyed 12 hours later. Hmm, target for late-night rage, where are you? Ah, Fred Barnes! A comical human dildo, wearing eyeglasses! What kind of ludicrous horseshit could the Weekly Standard executive editor deliver for America, in our Hour of Darkness? George W. Bush was actually a great president, that's what!


Now, in reader-friendly comedy bullet-point style, we bring you Fred Barnes' 10 Reasons why this stupid preppy bully, this vulgar power-mad imbecile who even failed at drinking, George Bush Junior, was so awesome:

  • Bravely insisted that random Arabs be tortured everywhere.
  • Boldly blocked any attempts to get a handle on Climate Change eight whole years ago, because what's the rush?
  • Completely fucked over the U.S. Constitution and stacks of federal law, because why not, Nixon was probably a good dude!
  • Always 100% behind Israel, because Israel has never, ever been wrong about anything in History. It's where Jesus lives!
  • No Child Left Behind: This stupid program of busy-work madrassa-style rote learning, this doofus Big Government federal intrusion into the lives of your five-year-old children as American literacy and math scores have dramatically plunged, is Bush's "fifth success," according to this alleged Conservative editor.
  • Bush "promotes democracy" by literally destroying the people and infrastructure of various countries with oil reserves. This is bold!
  • The Medicare prescription drug benefit program, which is a Socialized Medicine congressional program, is also a great victory of the conservative George W. Bush who wanted to take old people's social security and put it in the stock market.
  • Bush installed two middle-aged wingnuts on the Supreme Court, which is a great victory against those stupid enough to be born poor or black or female. But just imagine if Bush's real choice, Harriet Miers, had become his favorite fancy judge ever!
  • Barnes: "He strengthened relations with east Asian democracies (Japan, South Korea, Australia) without causing a rift with China. On top of that, he forged strong ties with India." OMFG, so the Bush Administration managed to not fuck up some of the basic, standard, major relationships with American allies in Asia. GENIUS!
  • THE SURGE. Thanks to George Junior W. Bush bravely ignoring EVERYONE from his own father to every living American diplomat and general, Iraq is now a peaceful, free and prosperous nation and American Troops returned home as Victors during the Victor/Victory Parade of July 4, 2007. Good-bye, Terrorisms! Even Afghanistan is free today!

Bush's Achievements: Ten things the president got right [Weekly Standard]

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If there is one thing that decrepit "rocker" Ted Nugent hates, it is gun-free zones. Over the years, he has insisted that they are very dangerous and pretty much the number one cause of mass shootings. They caused Columbine and mean "more body bags" and "more crime" and even "workplace violence"! They are "killing fields"! THEY ARE ALL THE BAD THINGS!

You see where we're going with this right?

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Oh hey, Maria Butina the Russian spy lady, you are still in jail!

Butina, who was arrested Sunday for being a Russian spy who infiltrated the NRA in order to infiltrate the GOP for her motherland, is supposed to appear in court this afternoon, and in advance of that, prosecutors have filed a really fun motion listing all the reasons Butina should be required to STAY IN JAIL until her trial, at which point she will be found guilty as a common Paul Manafort and have to go to so much more jail. In short, it is because she is a major flight risk, but the document is a much better read than that, and it has boning. Shall we give it a look?

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