Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

In a new rambling tantrum with Fox News's Chris Wallace, Trump stood around swaying like a dejected elephant with a spray tan and bitched about not wanting to answer Robert Mueller's questions. They weren't even multiple choice, how the hell do they expect him to keep presidenting? He was elected to lead, not to read!

Over the weekend the CIA concluded that MbS DEFINITELY called Dr. Bonesaw for a house call with journalist Jamal Khashoggi, so it was only natural Trump told Wallace that he wasn't going to listen to that tape of the Saudis murdering Khashoggi. Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman personally told him it wasn't his fault, and besides, they give us lots of money (and oil).

Barely a week after Trump pissed on the graves of veterans on Veterans Day/Remembrance Day(/Armistice Day), Trump told Wallace that he was "too busy" shitposting and making phone calls to even visit Arlington National Cemetery. Trump then got all butthurt about former JSOC commander Adm. William McRaven calling Trump a disgrace, and said McRaven should have killed Osama bin Laden sooner. [Full Interview]

Trump's trip to California to survey the deadly Camp Fire ended with him stepping on a rake and telling everyone that we should prevent fires ... with rakes. Nobody is sure what the hell he was talking about.

Since the US military can't technically kill people on US soil, the soldiers deployed to Mexican border are building Trump's goddamn wall to save us all from the little brown babies threatening to drown us with their tears. About 300 Mexicans in Tijuana began protesting against the caravan of "bad hombres" in fear that they'll strain the border town's scant resources even more. Naturally, Trump started shitposting on Twitter, making the humanitarian crisis all about himself.

Trump's White House plans to take Jim Acosta's press pass back (again) once the court order to give it back expires in two weeks. Earlier this morning CNN filed an "emergency briefing" with the court in an attempt to break the middle fingers from Trump's chickenshit comms team.

Trump called Rep. Adam Schiff "Little Adam Schitt" in a tweet, and people are honestly wondering if it was a typo, or yet another childish attempt at an insult from a man with an IQ smaller than his shoe size. [Dom, it was not a typo. --Editrix.]

The WSJ reports White House staffers have taken to calling Trump's national security mustache "President Bolton" after Trump's agenda began mirroring Bolton's lifelong goal of nuking treaties (because they're "not worth the trouble"), and getting chummy with Putin. Just don't call him "President Bolton" around Trump, he'll get fired like President Bannon.

Let's all take one last moment to point and laugh at Mira Ricardel, whom one anonymous Trump official called "one of the meanest people" they'd ever dealt with. Now that she's been "You're Fired" by Melon, Ricardel may fuck off to Estonia, K street, or she could be thrown out with the rest of the trash.

Remember when Trump announced a $12 billion bailout for farmers after he started his trade war with China? The New York Times reports that only $838 million in farm bailouts have been paid, and it's unlikely that any of the farmers being hit hardest by Trump's trade war will ever get help. #MAGA

The Des Moines Register has found that the Trump administration had a big problem with 4-H clubs letting in LGBT people to tug off cows and choke chickens, so Trump officials tried to pray away the gays -- which eventually led to the head of Iowa's 4-H being "You're Fired."

Trump's trade war with China just got worse after the 21-member Asia-Pacific Economic Cooperation (APEC) conference failed to issue a joint communique for the first time in three decades. Much of the problem stems from the Chinese being assholes (per usual), but there's no question Mike Pence made things worse Saturday when he railed against China (again) and played show-and-tell with a musty old Bible (of course). This morning China's state-owned Global Times has an op-ed saying it's no biggie, and blaming the US for all of the things.

The Trump administration is actively negotiating with Afghan Taliban leaders in Qatar. And not only is Trump negotiating with terrorists, his administration is believed to have orchestrated the release of high-level Taliban leaders imprisoned in Pakistan, abandoned equal rights for Afghan men and women, and is considering a suspension of Afghan elections so the Taliban can field political candidates.

The Israeli government is on the verge of collapse after Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu appointed himself defense minister. Early this morning opposition forces retracted a call for snap elections. Netanyahu previously called calls for elections "irresponsible," and stated, "At at a time like this, we do not topple a government and hold an election."

Recently elected Republican baby Dan Crenshaw began whining on Face the Nation about being "attacked" after the panel started talking about Trump encouraging people to assault and murder reporters. It's wasn't immediately clear if Crenshaw was talking about being a disabled veteran, so he then went on CNN to clutch his pearls and clarify that he's still bitching about SNL making fun of him two weeks ago.

John Oliver took a quick look at the world's lean into authoritarian rule and wondered if such a thing could ever happen here. Maybe? Probably not, but, you know, it could...

SNL poked fun at Laura Ingraham's white pride, and the shameless businesses that still give her money.

Mark Zuckerberg is going shithouse in Silicon Valley according to a new report in the WSJ that says Zuckerberg is blaming Facebook's problem on COO Sheryl Sandberg and lamestream media. They don't want him to make the world a better place (by selling obnoxious ads and digitally stalking users)!

And here's your morning Nice Time! WILD YEARLING PUPPERS!

Yearling Wild Dogs take their Siblings Hostage

Follow Dominic on Twitter and Instagram!

We're 100% ad-free and reader-supported, so consider buying us coffee, or get a subscription!

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Dominic Gwinn

Dominic is a broke journalist in Chicago. You can find him in a dirty bar talking to weirdos, or in a gutter taking photos.


How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)


©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc